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Anada 192
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. . . . . . . . . . "Jason Sees a Terrible Movie"
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . by Jason
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I've seen some really pissy movies in my time. I've seen Showgirls,
Wild Wild West, The Lost World, and the Sound of Music. I've also seen a
lot of ham-handed, desperate attempts to turn a piece of crap into something
that would hopefully make a couple of dollars before it takes its dive.
Usually these are half-decent measures, including nudity, special effects,
and violence. I can appreciate that. Explosions, dinosaurs, splattered
guts, and wall-to-wall lesbian sex can lift even the worst movie from the
gutter of poor suckiness to the sidewalk of amusing mediocrity.
I did not see that kind of movie this evening. I saw the new
straight-to-video release "Militia," starring Dean Cain and Jennifer Beale.
Golly, it must be depressing to know that you've peaked and that the rest of
your career will be beating the dead horse of "B" movies. I'm not sure if
it's better or worse to have a stunningly successful movie like, say,
Flashdance followed by a string of endless cinematic feces as opposed to
climbing to the dizzying height of a moderately successful but short-lived
TV series (Lois and Clark) with only roles such as "Main Dork" in the movie
"Dorkfest 2000" to look forward to. Either way, it sucks.
So I was watching this movie out of the corner of my eye while
engaging in my never-ending quest for hot new Internet porn. Then I see
something that grabs my attention. They show a couple of men walking past a
big sign that says "Cyberdyne." I do a double take. Did the station change
on me? Did they switch movies midstream? Was "Militia" so terrible that
the control room guys say, "Man! This sucks! Quick! Throw in another
tape! Any tape!" resulting in the sudden switch to Terminator 2?
The next scenes showing two terrorists stealing Anthrax form the lab
made me think I was seeing things. Perhaps my mind finally snapped. More
scenes followed, though. The cops converged in a familiar fashion on the
movie and a helicopter shined its light into the building.
I was still in denial at this point. Then I saw one of the
terrorists kick a desk through the window and begin spraying the police cars
with his assault rifle. The resulting carnage, though, was EXACTLY the same
footage they showed in Terminator 2! My disbelief turned into extreme
contempt when I saw the terrorists blow up a floor of the building to cover
their escape. Amazingly, that explosion was identical to the one in T2.
But that's not the icing on the cake. The terrorists slip out the
back door and hijack a-can you guess?-a SWAT van! The van charges through
the police barricade with damage suddenly appearing to the windshield and
doors and with a very muscular guy driving. He looked kinda like an
Austrian dude I saw on this movie once...
As I said, there are a lot of ways to make a crappy movie better, but
to steal from a well-known film or, more accurately, a film that I have seen
is just plain STUPID. Oh Dean and Jennifer, what have you reduced
yourselves to? Who put the sugar in the gas tanks of their careers? Talk
about a complete lack of effort. The rest of the movie may have been pure
Shakespeare for all I know, but that blatant scene-stealing was more than I
can handle.
God only knows how many movies they ripped off that I haven't seen.
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. anada 192 by Jason (c)2000 anada e'zine .
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