Anada 264

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Anada

 · 5 years ago

  

                              
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    '   anada                     "Slowfall?"                    18 jan  ' 
   '     264                      by Michael                      2001    ' 
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        “to build a giant castle, and then he’d sign his name.”  that castle 
 dream from that moby song is nearly perfect.  oh to have a dream like that. 
 wouldn’t sign my name though.  to accomplish something as such and not take 
 credit.  probably perfection.  sick of striving for perfection though 
 anyway.  why?  failure imminent or supposed failure.  never seem to get 
 there though, but also never seem to accomplish set goals.  always so far 
 away.  “so faraway.”  and even when one happens, what then?  “i wouldn’t 
 mind if you took it all away today, i wouldn’t even miss the pain.”  would 
 the failure or accomplishment be apparent?  or would newer failures and 
 accomplishments loom?  and “who knows, who cares and who’ll remember 
 anyway?”  other than me of course.  and i look around at everyone else. 
 what struggles do they choose or not choose?  are they on or off path. 
 quite a few seem to have it together.  but on the outside so do i, i guess. 
 no one knows the secrets and lies.  or what lies beneath.  or any other 
 movie cliches i could steal.  one more: falling down.  really bad when your 
 life can be summed up by a movie title, or a song even.  “i need somebody to 
 shove me.”  or “i’m afraid of the dark without you close to me.”  

        but back to falling down.  “the weight of the world on your 
 shoulders” is tough sometimes.  will never be able to share that weight with 
 anyone.  too alone, self-important, independent to let anyone in.  “i was 
 sad enough last saturday.  i woke you to talk but i didn’t have much to 
 say.”  so much of not much to say.  and yet another interrogative statement. 
 why?  control, i guess.  must be in control at all times.  easy to keep 
 accomplishments and failures impending.  can control that.  probably too 
 scared of the consequences or new circumstances if either actualized.  what 
 then?  world disorder.  oh disorder.  “she thinks she missed the train to 
 mars.”  keep changing majors to keep order.  makes sense, right.  “stay in 
 elementary school as long as you can.”  or “go to the room with a chair and 
 wait for your life.”  wait for it to happen.  outlook on everything.  and 
 why not wait?  forget rushing things.  don’t wanna look back and say: “life 
 goes on even after the thrill of living is gone.”  or “i’m tired of being 
 alive.  spite of the bleeding...”  but then again don’t want to say: “it’s 
 strange how we’re selling our time and we wait.  we’re all lost in a clever 
 game running from our lives.” 

        in dire need of an intervention.  funny how when intervention 
 mentioned, god comes to mind.  guess i’d try a divine intervention.  never 
 devout.  couldn’t be  “the priest in the booth had a photographic memory for 
 all he had heard.  he took all of my sins and wrote a pocket novel called 
 the state that i am in.”  to have or find that extreme faith seems to always 
 gives hope, ambition, and direction, (at least for a little while) but i 
 don’t think my direction would be allowed or allotted.  as if they have a 
 short list of directions you can go and that’s it; they seem to semi-control 
 direction.  “oh god stop tearing down my experimental bathroom; it’s the 
 only thing that’s halfway mine.”  i think i’m perfectly unhappy enough 
 controlling things myself at this time.  so, strike one. 

        in the spring time all the animals thoughts turn to love.  “there are 
 really no words strong enough to describe all my longings for love.”  well 
 animal's thoughts are for more like mating than love, but love sounds so 
 much better doesn’t it.  and more like instincts than thoughts.  and again 
 why?  love; man’s creation.  excuse for so many things.  not just 
 procreation.  well, actually procreation’s not an excuse.  biology. 
 actually too many to go into except the main one.  excuse not to be alone. 
 but as forementioned.  to alone to let anyone in so no hope there.  strike 
 two. 

        and usually three strikes in baseball.  but control is in my corner. 
 and i’m not ready for strike three at this time.  because that would 
 constitute a failure i think.  thoughts on that forementioned.  “and you 
 can’t fight the tears that ain’t coming or the moment of truth in your 
 life.” 

        creditto:mobysocialdmineralpweisoulasylumbuilttospillhouseofpain 
 promiseringhumjetstobrazilsunnydaydanzigsdrebellandsebastianjtbscorpionsggd 
  
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 `   anada264   by Michael                          (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `