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Anada 100
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 0 7 - 1 5 - 0 0 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I S S U E # 1 0 0 AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "We're All Dead" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH by the aNAda Staff AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH H H HHHH H AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H H H H H H H H H AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
H HH H H H H H H H H
www.anada.net A H A H AHHH A H www.anada.net
AHHHHHHH Sabazio HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Jason HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sabazio passed away some time in the night of July 13, 2000. He was
found crushed to death by a 50-inch TV. Although his immediate relatives
had no knowledge of him owning such a large television and there were signs
of a struggle, police have ruled out the possibility of foul play. "Our
masters have told us not to comment," Detective John Smith said in his
characteristic monotone. Neighbors reported no suspicious noises, except
that the television seemed to be turned to an exceptionally loud volume.
"He was such a nice young man," said neighbor Mary Smith flatly, before
returning to her daily television watching.
Sabazio's life was one of complete adequacy. He is not known to have
killed anyone famous nor has he won any prestigious prizes. His
intelligence has been described as "perfectly acceptable" although his
fashion sense is widely considered by scholars to be mediocre at best. He
was a devoted practitioner of bipedalism and spoke English. There have been
rumors linking him to the Gay Communist Alien Gun Club, but those turned out
to be false. Almost every morning since he was young, he got out of bed.
He was also known to eat food several times a day. The story of his life,
"The Pamphlet of Sabazio" will be available in your local library in the
same room as the Beta tapes.
Sabazio is survived by a soiled pair of pants and a nice shirt.
Services were yesterday. A smelly homeless man attended.
AHHHHHHH Jphish HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Phairgirl HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A town is in shock.
Jphish, also known as the only male member of the gang known as the
"Radioactive Lesbian Nazi Hookers," was found dead today, apparently the
victim of bludgeoning with a bag of fertilizer.
Sources indicate that Jphish, at the tender age of 20, had resumed
his former job at Wendy's Old-Fashioned Hamburgers, after taking much time
away to continue with his schooling and taking a much better job at Lowe's.
He was well-liked at both places of employment, never posed any problems,
and always greeted his customers with a smile.
"Jphish was one of the funniest, most friendly people I've ever
worked with," noted one of the workers, who requested his name not be given
for fear that the aliens would probe him again.
Cap'n Poopy Pants also felt the pain. "I don't know, I hardly see
the guy anymore," he said as he concentrated on his new Kirby 64 game.
His ex-girlfriends Suzanne and Erica were unavailable for comment, as
they were sucking dick. However, Phairgirl was found at her home, violently
shuffling through a pile of Lucky Charms cereal dumped on the floor of her
kitchen on her hands and knees. "Damn that secret satanic order," she
mumbled. "Now that he's gone, I'll NEVER know how to utilize Lucky Charms'
aphrodesiac power! DAMN HIM!"
Circumstances surrounding the death were bizarre at best.
Apparently, a woman identified only as the Double Stack Lady, had ambled
into Wendy's one Friday morning. She had discovered that Jphish was working
there once again and had some issues with some fertilizer she had purchased
at Lowe's the week before. Nobody witnessed the incident, but Jphish was
last seen alive going outside to talk to the Double Stack Lady about her
fertilizer problems. He was later found dead in Wendy's parking lot,
heavily bruised and bleeding from the ears with fertilizer scattered about.
The Double Stack Lady has yet to be brought to justice, as her home
in Dyersville, Iowa, has not just a wooden fence but ALSO a chain link
fence, and police are still puzzled as to how to penetrate the compound.
Services will be held on Monday at the funeral home that is next door
to the apartment where Phairgirl was conceived.
AHHHHHHH Devon HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Author's Note: The DEATH ISSUE of aNAda is purely ficticious.
However, this segment may be frighteningly
accurate to circumstances in real life. The
reason for this is that this is probably a true
story.
In his short, yet vaguely memorable time as an aNAda staff member,
Devon brought the rest of us staff members to a new level of awareness. He
showed us a new kind of blunt, political persuasion, using harshly cliched
phrases of profanity to nail his points home.
Too bad he is dead, and it was *WE* who killed him.
In his self-delusional king of the ranters state, he managed to crank
out one file since aNAda came out of the womb, obviously not realizing his
purpose was to produce, and reproduce. It is probably more fortunate,
however, that we killed him, because the text file scene has enough whining
wet blankets that are difficult enough to torch out of our existence as it
is.
Perhaps you consider it genocide that we killed off one of our own.
You're forgetting something important--the inner, primal drive of real text
file writers. Survival of the fittest. We kill the wussy pussies, and we
grow and get stronger as a result of it. We revel in the ashes of pathetic
one-timers and incompetent ranters. Devon is not a victim. He has played
his part out in aNAda, and will continue to serve his purpose in death.
It is most likely that Devon was suicidal. The following quotes,
hand-picked from his sole aNAda release, "The Happiest Canadian Who Loves
Everyone," demonstrate his classic angst:
--"Fuck that."
--"Go fuck yourselves."
--"You don't have a reason to complain."
--"If you feel differently, FUCK OFF ASSHOLE."
--"It's people like you that help make the world as shitty as it is
by your whining and bitching."
--"Wake the fuck up."
--"You type of people make me sick."
--"It's all bullshit."
Now, if any of the readers out there DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY DEVON
*HAD* TO DIE, you best stop reading now, or we'll be tracking you down and
tacking your obituary up on the next release. Stupidity is not going to get
aNAda anywhere. Nor is simply kicking out the staff that scars us. The
only way to justify *ANY* lame releases is to *KILL OFF* the source of it.
Then aNAda remains clean, polished, and unscathed, and will continue its
march to the top of the text file scene, trampling everyone and everything
in its path.
With all that said, and this being an obituary and all, I suppose
that it's only appropriate to throw in a bit of the conventional element and
explain how Devon met his destined end. The staff of aNAda gang raped him,
dropped him via helicopter into a racing herd of mad cows, then proceeded to
chain him to a tree and poke him incessantly with wooden chopsticks. Thus,
it was not us that he should be bitter to about dying, but the essence and
the tools of the world that he so passionately hated.
AHHHHHHHH Mutter HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHHH by Alek HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"MUTTER was born in St. Paul Minnesota, in 1896, attended Princeton
University, and published his first novel, This Side of Paradise, in 1920.
That same year he married Zelda Sayre and the couple divided their time
between New York, Paris, and the Riviera, becoming part of the American
expatriate circle that included Gertrude Stein, Ernest Hemingway, and John
Dos Passos. Mutter was a major new literary voice, and his masterpieces
include The Beautiful and the Damned, The Great Gatsby, and Tender Is the
Night. He died of a heart attack in 1940 at the age for fourty-four, while
working on The Love of the Last Tycoon. For his sharp social insight and
breathtaking lyricism, Mutter stands out as one of the most important
American writers of the twentieth century."
AHHHHHHH Seaya HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by TanAdept HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Assistant editor, Leah Marcus, of Dragon Magazine was a great
contributor to the publishing industry, with distinguished writing and
proofing efforts both in print and online.
Ms. Marcus, 28, of Brooklyn, passed away April 27 at Our Lady of
Placebo hospital following being brutally stabbed by an unnamed Manhattan
mugger.
Ms. Marcus was known in the electronic community as Seaya, spirit, or
Miss Modular, and contributed to e-zines including HOE, aNAda, 251, and
Alamar.
Her online career was not without its challenges, however. Her
biting wit and unwillingness to back down in the face of argument was
sometimes met with hostility by her colleagues.
Despite this occasional conflict, many members of online fora,
including Obloid Sphere (utrp://obloidsphere.web.neb:427/boar) regular,
Neo-//\/\\age, had glowing things to say about her.
Neo-//\/\\age, writer for SPLOTCH and <> said, "[Leah] was cool and
stuff. She helped me a lot when I was getting started. She taught me
about how I should be nonviolent and that I should burn men because they
have too many corneas. Once, I watched _Sex With Cat People_ with her."
He also added, "I like walking on pillows."
Ms. Marcus' education came from Georgetown University, where she
graduated with a BA. After leaving school, she became involved with the
print publishing industry at Annalog Magazine and Asimov Magazine.
From there, she worked her way up to higher positions, and eventually
accepted a position with TSR/Hasbro/WotC/AOL/Amazon's Dragon Magazine.
"She was the kind of person who liked petting cats," said Bulbasaur,
writer for Lamprey Days. "She thought nothing of hopping a fence onto
the highway, knocking on car or truck windows and asking how a family or
trucker was enjoying Route 251."
Ms. Marcus is survived by her cat, Annatwo.
A memorial service for friends and admirers is planned for 2:51 pm on
Saturday at the V.F.W. hall, 503 Sheryl Lane, Queens.
AHHHHHHH Uberfizzgig HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Jason HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today the religious leader known as the Most Holy and Blessed
Uberfizzgig "shrugged off his mortal coils to rejoin his Heavenly Family" as
quoted by one of his worshippers, the Grand Fizz. The enigmatic Uberfizzgig
arose to prominence as head of the cult called the "Fizz." Although the
tenets of Fizzian philosophy are unknown to outsiders, the adherents
followed him with blind fanaticism. Estimates of the number of members in
his cult range into the low teens, and his influence reaches as far as
fifteen feet from him. Many have vowed not to eat or sleep until
Uberfizzgig returns to Earth to reign as supreme ruler and burn the
infidels. His worshippers have stated that they will not leave the presence
of his body until he returns to life. They have claimed that his
resurrection is an inevitable certainty, since his life and even death
precisely match prophecy.
He was reported to have died by tripping over a small dog and
consequently choking on his burrito.
AHHHHHHH Phairgirl and Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
"HEADLINE! MURDER! PHAIRGIRL KILLED! DESPERATE SHOOTING! DUBUQUE
HILL!"
It all started when Phairgirl won the lottery! Then she bought
3,579,251,5049 rolls of duct tape and a team of FBI-trained dogs! Then she
hunted down Kevin Moore!!#@@#!
She found him in the shade of a road sign in New Mexico, and duct
taped him to her back, naturally.
"I had no idea what happened at first. I was on a beach twenty yards
from the road side at six AM. I saw my perpetrator coming towards me with
duct tape, and I was more confused than scared. Then I saw the look on her
face, and dialed 911 on my cell phone, but realized the number had been
changed to 3, but by then it was too late and she had hit me over the head
with my Kurzweil 2000," said Kevin Moore.
Then Phairgirl took him back to Dubuque, and made him be her friend!
And what great friends they were!!! They wore matching space dye vests and
ate Doritos together! The whole time though, Kevin Moore remained duct
taped to Phairgirl's back! They slept, breathed, bathed, ate, listened to
music, and chatted on irc together!
Well, Phairgirl's other friend, Effy, didn't like that much! Effy
was jealous, insanely jealous!!@#!@!
This excerpt was found in Effy's journal:
"I am sooooo jealous. "I wanted Kevin Moore for myself, but I was
afraid if I duct taped him to my back, I would develop a hunch! I should
have known that it was worth it! Phairgirl knows it is worth a hunch if she
gets one! I'm so pissed because she is smarter than I am! So I have to
kill her and steal Kevin Moore... I HAVE TO!!! She would do the same to me,
I know it!"
Effy followed Phairgirl and Kevin secretly one day to Dubuque Hill,
where they were having a picnic. She had taken a shotgun out of the trunk
of her car. Phairgirl and Kevin were feeding Doritos to a fucking mouse!
Effy jumped out of the bushes and fired the shotgun insanely. The bullets
missed Phairgirl and hit Kevin, but they bounced off the countless layers of
duct tape covering his body, and he remained unscathed. However, they
loosened the grip of the tape, and he was able to pry himself off
Phairgirl's back. He walked up to Effy and stood before her. Effy froze,
dumbfounded, amazed, and entranced by his presence. He took the shotgun
from her.
He then capped her and Phairgirl.
"Fuckin' stalkers... at least I got home for the late show," Kevin
remarked afterwards.
AHHHHHHH Alek HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Seaya HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nathan J. "Alek" Silva (July 2, 1980 - July 2, 2000)
-----------------------------------------------<---@
Nathan James Silva, known to friends as "Alek," died on his 20th
birthday on the mean streets of New Bedford, MA.
He was chewing gum and walking along when a cat ran between his legs
and tripped him over causing him to fall into a mud puddle and choke on the
piece of gum.
It is said in the Bible that righteous people die on their birthday.
Unfortunately, logic dictates that just because A->B doesn't mean that B->A.
This means that the Universe dealt Alek a meaningless freak accident that
took his life on his 20th birthday in his home town.
Alek leaves behind a working class New Bedford family, 3 computers, a
jump rope, and a greasy stain.
AHHHHHHH TanAdept HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Anna, as told to Oregano HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Meow.
Hi, I am Anna. Meow.
When I say "meow" that means "hi."
Meow = hi.
Meow.
I am a cat. G0ff's cat. You people called him TanAdept or any of a
thousand different Pokemon or other Japanese names, to me he is G0ff.
Anyway... Phairgirl asked me to talk a little and I will. I should note
first off that I am orange. I am the color of cheese. Good cheese. Yummy
cheese. I am prettier than cheese. mmmmmcheese. I do like cheese. I am
well behaved, I have never bitten Colleen, though she deserves it, no matter
how many times people rub my fur the wrong way.
Pardon me, I need to lick myself. Mmmm *lick* clean, yes, clean fur
*lick* *lick*. Just a little more then I can continue. Yes, hold on,
*lick* *lick*, yes, that is better, I am ready. Oregano, turn on the tape
machine. It is on already? Okay I'll keep talking. Meow.
Where was I? Ahh, yes, Phairgirl asked me to tell you how TanAdept
died. How G0ff died. I'll call him G0ff, call him TanAdept in your head,
you never knew him. No, not you, oregano, I know you knew him, I mean the
reader, silly reader. You could be scratching a post right now instead of
reading, silly. Anyway I am Anna and I am orange and I am a cat.
G0ff was acting a little weird. Which for him means he was acting
normal. Normal for G0ff seems weird to most people and weird to G0ff seems
normal to most people. He was acting weird. He cut his hair. He always
had long hair but he cut his hair. Even weirder is he had his new, shorter
hair styled, like regular people do, only this was G0ff. He even used hair
gel to keep it all in place!
He started to wear business suits. He runs a giant computer, he is
in charge of keeping the giant computer alive, that is his job and no one at
work wears a suit, and they pretty much expect G0ff to wear torn jeans and a
t-shirt and here G0ff started to wear suits!
But not just his appearance changed, no, he started to watch TV. Not
just Pokemon and Iron Chef. He started to watch Everyone Loves Raymond and
Judging Amy and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Something was too wrong! My
G0ff, what happened?
And then I found out, but hold on a second. Let me go use the
sandbox. Hold right there, don't come any closer. Let me go in private.
AHhhhhhh. *scratch* *snuffle* *churrn* all covered up. Yes. Nice and
neat. Ahh, all clean. Okay, where was I?
I heard G0ff on the phone and it was with a female and when he got
off I realized it was not just any girl, it was the rarest of rare
species... a Hot Chick! G0ff was all change-y for a Hot Chick. Now G0ff
always talked about Hot Chicks, but it was all talk and then one day he
brings her home and she is really pretty, like from the cover of Vogue. Not
even Cosmo pretty, no, no, she was Vogue pretty. She was a Hot Chick.
Our first meeting went bad. She did not like cats. She really hated
cats. She double, extra, really, top-of-the-barrel disliked, despised, did
not like cats. G0ff thought it was a phase, that she would grow to love me,
she would learn to like me. I was 14, at the time, I could have been her
mother, in cat years. But she really did not like me. But Hot Chicks are
crafty and instead of saying she did not like me to G0ff, she planned little
things to make him not want me around.
G0ff was allergic to me already, but he still kept me around, but the
Hot Chick got extra dander from other cats, more allergy-producing cats and
put it around the apartment and told G0ff he must be getting allergic-er to
me, Anna, a cat.
Then she chewed up G0ff's Pokemon cards herself. She got on her
knees and chewed and chewed his entire collection of Pokemon cards and then
blamed me. "See what your cat has done?" You were going to sell those
cards for a downpayment on a diamond necklace for me and now Anna has gone
and ruined them all. I don't see why you keep her around."
G0ff was really mad at me and he even raised his voice and I could
tell he was too far into the spell of the Hot Chick. She did other things
too, like scratch the furniture and bring in cat poop to put under G0ff's
pillow. And finally G0ff had had enough and he declared, "Maybe it is time
i did something about Anna." And the Hot Chick agreed and they decided that
I would be sent to kitty heaven. I could see G0ff did not care for me
anymore. And he was too angry; so I did only what I had to do. I have nine
lives, and G0ff only has one, so I did what any kittie would do when
threatened with death.
Let me pause here since I need some water. Let me saunter off
towards the bowl while you stay there, I'll just go at my leisure, just wait
for me, as I know you'll have to do. *slurp* mm, tasty water. *slurp*
*slurp* ahh. Okay, let me saunter back. Slowly, slowly. Now here is how
I killed G0ff to save my own life.
The actual death was not so spectacular as what lead up to it, but
since I am pretty much afraid of water, at least to swim in, it shows my
bravery and how I got away wth it.
G0ff was talking a bubble bath, he loved to play with the bubbles in
the tub after a long week of keeping a giant computer running and ship-
shape. And it was simple, I jumped up on the side of the tub and I looked
G0ff in the eyes, and gave him my evil cat stare -- all cats know how to do
that -- then I jumped on his shoulders and held him underwater till he could
breathe no more and then I jumped back up, I was all wet and uncomfy, but I
dried and licked myself clean.
Just try to prove it, see what court would convict a cute little
kitten like me. I was sent away to Iowa to live with Ami, Taylor, Matilda
and Mia in Phairgirl's home, it was all set in the will. And poor G0ff,
I'll remember him well, except for those last few months when the Hot Chick
stole his heart.
Never try to outwit a cat.
AHHHHHHH Big Daddy Bill HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Big Daddy Bill HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
sorry, I refuse to participate in any cliche, half-assed idea that some
lame, half-assed person can come up with. when something intelligent is
thought of, gimmie a ring. :0)
AHHHHHHH Jason HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Phairgirl HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
One of the newer, yet more prolific aNAda writers, Jason, was killed
early Saturday by a giant stack of hate mail.
Jason, brought to the aNAda scene via a vicious dig through the
Geocities SoHo neighborhood by Phairgirl, had only recently begun to unleash
his endless ranting upon the world when the backlash he had been ignoring
finally came to crush him in one final blow.
It was monstrocities such as these that did him in:
From: Bob [bobl@giantsfan.com]
Sent: Sunday, July 09, 2000 10:52 PM
To: anada@anada.net
Subject: issue #095
ahem... Issue 95 has a passage reading as follows. It is fatally flawed. I
will demonstrate why.
"the average kilowatt hour (kWh) consumed creates 1.4 lbs. of carbon dioxide
in burned fossil fuels. According to http://drivingthefuture.com/97pct.html
the writer's car uses about 4 miles per kWh. What's that add up to? Over
one and a half pounds of carbon dioxide per mile!"
First of all, the link given is incorrect, it's .htm not .html. Using .html
just routs one to the main site.
Secondly, at http://drvingthefuture.com/97pct.htm, the following is stated
"My EV 'mileage' of 4 miles/kW-hr, referenced to the AC socket, is for the
EV1, and may be optimistic for larger EVs"
It seems that a car gets 4 miles per kWh. Jason's analysis is dependant on a
car using 4 kWh per mile. A 16-fold difference. This utterly destroys his
analysis, as it means that an EV would produce roughly 1/10 lb of CO2 per
mile, not 15/10 as he states.
But it really doesn't matter because like it or not we're not going to have
power plants using gas in 50 years as gas will be as costly as gold. Natural
gas, perhaps, which is quite clean, but not liquid petroleum (with the
exception, perhaps, of liquefied natural gas).
respectfully,
Bob
From: jamie prewitt [j.a.prewitt@worldnet.att.net]
Sent: Sunday, June 04, 2000 1:26 AM
To: anada@anada.net
Subject: to jasonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
to jason , so you are a genius ...
it dont matter to jesus ,,,,,,,,,,, if it
came down to life and death ,would your genius
save you ??????????? what if i was physically
stronger and belted you in the melon 10 times
and then fucked you in the ass???? what would
you do????
read a book and translate the meaning to a
real genius , you see son ,you have never seen
one...............
In fact, one of the last things heard from Jason was after he heard
about the aNAda voicemail message left in his honor:
"OMIGOD!! POSITIVE FEEDBACK! I need to get something to drink to calm
my nerves."
Jason may be dead, but he still has approximately 2,515,049 files in
queue, and memories of him will live on.
AHHHHHHH Oregano HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
AHHHHHHH by Effy HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friday, July 7th, 2000--The tragic death of a local Anada 'zine
writer has left us shocked, greatly disturbed, and scrounging for answers.
Oregano was found dead and rotting early this morning outside a local
delicatessen. It appears that he had allegedly choked to death on a
bread-like substance. Investigators are making the current assumption that
he had choked on an egg bagel, due to the freshly opened bakery bag lying in
his cold, limp hand. There were no apparent signs of foul play, but police
have not yet ruled that out as an option.
"It is possible that somebody, quite possibly a baker, had slipped
extra eggs into the batter, thus creating a much stickier bagel; the
intention of the baker being to cause somebody (Oregano quite possibly the
prime target) to choke on the bagel," said an investigator currently on the
case. "Everyone knows how much Oregano loved egg bagels. He could eat one
faster than anyone anybody knew. It is quite likely that if foul play was
involved in this tragedy, Oregano was the sole target. I only wish we knew
why."
"Oregano would NEVER choke on a bagel," said a close, anonymous
friend. "We have been having bagel eating contests for YEARS. He could
down a baker's dozen in half a minute without anything to wash it down
with!"
This comment furthers the police department's suspicion that someone
was out to "get" Oregano. Authorities will be questioning other local 'zine
writers as well. Oregano had no known enemies, but it is possible that a
jealous 'zine writer had planted the excess egg product in the bagels in a
fit of envious rage due to Oregano's uniquely delightful writing style.
Oregano is survived by the following text files:
"Jessie and the Bunny"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0567.txt
"The Night I Killed Eilien"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0594.txt
"The Picnic Channel"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0616.txt
"The Death Of Mogel"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0662.txt
"The Final Class Project"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0720.txt
"Switching Gears"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0830.txt
"Maining Trip"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0880.txt
"Champaign Revisited"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-0910.txt
"Oldschool Christmas Anarchy"-http://www.hoe.nu/text/hoe-1012.txt
"Calling God"-http://www.anada.net/text/anada018.txt
"Brainstorming"-http://www.anada.net/text/anada076.txt
"blah blah Math blah blah blah"
-http://www.anada.net/text/anada086.txt
Funeral services are currently postponed due to the shock and
confusion of family and friends. However, here are some kind words about
Oregano from friends:
"He was good to talk with, and always greeting people. Now we must
say goodbye." --Kaia
"Oregano always managed to be a pleasant presence, though I hope in
death he discovers that Jupiter indeed does have more than four moons and
that Kansas City is a public transportation void." --Soybean
"I hope he can get Satan's name right when he burning in hell."
--Bosplaya
"Oregano was a simple man. I will miss him. Fart." --Mogel
"Ohhh... How deliciously shocking! How gently disturbing!"
--SnuffyXI
"I always liked Oregano, but I like cheeseburgers and cherry coke
much better." --Alek
"So much for the garlic bread cookbook." --Lach
"I'll never forget how passionate he was about food." --Basehead
"Oregano was a good friend. A good, big friend. He protected me
against mean men with phones coming out of their asses." --Jamesy
"Well, at least he died. But hey, check it; we got IRC logs. He'll
live on forever in the logs of a half dead channel." --Kaotik
"I never shipped his aNAda CD before he was gone... this package will
haunt me forever. DAMN ME AND MY LAZINESS, DAMN ME TO HELL." --Phairgirl
"This fatal tragedy will be talked about for years." --James LaBrie
"That is very sad. I ate at McDonalds with him during Bagfest '97."
--SwissPope
"I am very sad. I better go to McDonalds and get a milkshake."
--Aster
"And with him, dies the last person to have attended every Bagfest."
--TanAdept
"Who is Oregano?" --Laja
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
A (c)2000 aNAda e'zine HHHHH aNAda100 HHHHH by the aNAda Staff H
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
