Anada 269

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Anada

 · 5 years ago

  

                              
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    '   anada            "Jason in the Twilight Zone"            23 jan  ' 
   '     269                       by Jason                       2001    ' 
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        Submitted for your approval, this is the story of a young man no 
 different than you or me.  In fact, apart from his stunning good looks, 
 incredible intelligence, and somewhat unhealthy fixation on arachnids, he is 
 as normal as anyone.  He comes home from his normal job to check his mail 
 like he normally does.  He takes the bundle of envelopes and heads back his 
 normal apartment little realizing that he has just picked up a credit card 
 application... 

        ...from the Twilight Zone. 

        I'll say one thing for the universe.  For all of its capriciousness 
 and cruelty, it sure has a twisted sense of humor.  Guess what incredible 
 curve ball I got this time.  Go ahead and guess. 

        Jeez, it's not THAT bad.  Get your damn head out of the gutter.  

        Allow me to give you a little bit of background.  I was not always an 
 embittered, cynical person.  Heck, for the first two weeks I was innocent 
 and optimistic.  Dealing with the largely subhuman peers of my hometown 
 quickly disabused me of any delusion that people are basically nice and kind 
 who are just looking for an excuse to do good.  The only good those bastards 
 would ever do is as fertilizer after their dead. 

        But I still had some hope.  After all, I had yet to get a girlfriend. 
 That changed when I was 18, when I got hooked up with some oversexed 
 underage human I refer to as my Psycho-ex.  I successfully protected my 
 virtue from that lunatic.  Then I was slyly seduced by a friend of 7 years 
 who ended up literally being a schizophrenic superbitch.  I call her my 
 schizo-ex. 

        Then came the worst one.  I'll give the quick version for those who 
 know the story: we talked, we screwed, I went to graduate school, and she 
 got knocked up by some druggy, violent, petty criminal high school dropout, 
 and I she never gave me the privilege of ditching me.  The upshot of all 
 this is that that is the only time in my life I've ever seriously considered 
 marrying a chick.  No, I didn't even consider marrying Carmen Electra.  She 
 was just a little too wild for me. 

        I was lucky, I guess.  God help me, I could have ended up like my 
 PARENTS.  Sure, I can be the MVP Monday morning quarterback for winning the 
 Hindsight Bowl today, but back then I could have easily envisioned myself as 
 marrying that chick.  I know in retrospect what a fool for love I was.  She 
 gave more warning signs than Mt. Vesuvius, but I was a total sucker for her 
 sweet-talk.  Heck, I was like one of those authority figures in a monster 
 movie who is in denial about Godzilla tearing toward the city until he can 
 smell the reptile's athlete's foot.  Her name was Alison, although I refer 
 to her as my Ex-girlfriend-turned-evil-backstabbing-'ho. 

        So there I was, going through my mail like I do any other day.  Then 
 I saw it.  It was a credit card application, but that was hardly a surprise. 
 When you have credit as awesome as mine, everybody wants to give you money. 
 It was the name on it.  It was addressed to Alison Hall.  Hall, of course, 
 is MY surname. 

        What the heck?  Did this slip through some alternate dimension?  Did 
 I get too drunk some night and REALLY marry her and neither of us 
 remembered?  Is it some sick joke?  Those of a lesser mind would claim that 
 it is fate insisting that my destiny lies with her, my One True Love.  Ugh. 
 Just the thought of that makes me want to puke. 

        The universe was sending a message alright.  It was reminding that it 
 hates me and that I had better stay on my toes. 

        No, I didn't apply for the card.  Maybe I should...  Hmmm.... 
                                                                             
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 `   anada269   by Jason                            (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `