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Anada 149
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. . . . . . . . . . "Separate"
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. . . . . . . . . . . . . . by AphexTwin23
. . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I discovered something interesting today. I went to the bank to get
some money... mmm... the power of the dollar. Yum. But anyways... I was
standing there in line fascinated by the camera watching me when I looked
over and noticed this older man staring at me. Not exactly in a seductive
way. Just looking at me. Maybe it was the clothes I was wearing... oh
no... I had holey jeans with words all over them. But he had a look on his
face of either fear or admiration... I couldn't tell which one. And the
second I made eye contact with him he quickly looked away. I found him
staring at me again and he looked away once more. And as I noticed him
doing this I realized something.
We see people each and every day and just take it for granted. There
are so many different kinds of people but we just go about our own business
and make our own boundaries. We don't want to let ourselves into their
lives... and we try to keep them out of ours. Seldom do we actually make
conversation with the people we see each and every day. We avoid any
communication... touch, eye contact, conversation, etc. Why is that? Are
we afraid? Are we all antisocial?
It seems as though we all live such seperate lives. We never really
get to know a person. We go to work, we go the grocery store, we go to the
library and yet we keep to ourselves, lead our own lives, and break away
from the rest of the world. We live in such an unhealthy place. We meet
people through others but yet they all seem like such strangers, we're all
so distant from one another. We never really go out to find people on our
own. We are all so shy and afraid. We fear what we do not understand.
But as much as we stay away from each other, it's almost impossible
to do because we don't want to be by ourselves. We want to be loved. We
stay in abusive relationships because we are too blind to notice that this
person doesn't love us. We stick with the friends that use us because we're
afraid we can't find any better ones and we don't want to believe that
they're actually doing this to us. We hold on to our "aquantainces" because
we silently wish we were closer to them.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am so alone. I feel so dirty and
used. I am a frisbee that the people around me enjoy tossing around,
dropping on the ground, and tripping over.
I am a teddy bear that people like to hug when they need me. Dry
their tears on when they're feeling down. And hold through the night when
they need comfort.
I become a monster. A product of society. A piece of plastic that
is recycled over and over again. I am thrown in a pile of worthless used
shit until someone else needs me. And so they pull me out and try to help
but it's not working anymore.
I used to be so happy. I used to love this. I used to not care and
not notice what is going on. But now I see it. And now I'm cold, shaking
myself stupid in a dark corner.
I fall blindly into love and I am never answered back. Only spit on,
slapped, and pushed around. I don't "need" to be loved. No, that's not it.
I just know that it's bound to come around soon enough and make me happier
than I've ever been. I just know that a person will know what I'm saying
and is going to hold me for the rest of my life. I have a strong belief in
this. And it's probably false.
I'm done.
. . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. anada 149 by AphexTwin23 (c)2000 anada e'zine .
. . w w w . a n a d a . n e t . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
