Anada 258

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Anada

 · 5 years ago

  

                              
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    '   anada             "Jason on Christmas Again"             13 jan  ' 
   '     258                       by Jason                       2001    ' 
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        God, I hate Christmas.  

        No sooner do I go about singing its praises than I get screwed right 
 up the poop chute.  Granted, the events that unfolded were not really the 
 holiday's fault, but because of the temporal coincidence, Christmas gets 
 some of the periphery blame. 

        Christmas itself wasn't so bad, if you discount the 5 hour drive to 
 Pittsburgh from PhilaHELLphia.  My evil mother insisted that I drive with my 
 brother.  That ended up being a bit of a boon, since he kept me company and 
 took care of the tolls.  All in all the holiday went by pretty smoothly.  I 
 did all of the typical things like visiting the grandparents, hanging out 
 with old college friends, and drinking. 

        I also took advantage of the cold to investigate an abandoned mine 
 near my grandparents' house.  I had long wanted to check it out, but had 
 been vexed by the four inches of water on the floor.  Through the miracle of 
 crystallization, that normally liquid dihydrogen-oxide had achieved a solid 
 state.  Naturally, my parents would never have approved of such an endeavor. 
 When they inquired as to what devious machinations required a flashlight, I 
 replied merely that we were up to "something completely wholesome."  When 
 pressed, I muttered something about group anal sex.  Oddly, I got away with 
 that.  The mine was cool, I guess.  No human skeletons, though. 

        So the rest of the holiday went well enough, and on Christmas day we 
 began the journey back. 

        Now some background is in order.  I currently drive a 1993 Ford Tempo 
 with 109,000 miles on it.  It has been pretty reliable, but I had plans to 
 replace it with a new vehicle by April at the latest.  While I had the 
 vehicle, I never had any major malfunctions.  All that changed on Christmas 
 Day. 

        About halfway through the trip, the AMP warning light came on.  I 
 dutifully pulled over and popped the hood, but the AMP light went off by 
 itself.  "Whatever," I thought.  "The car is so old, it probably has 
 ghosts." 

        We were within a half hour of home when it stalled at a traffic 
 light.  It NEVER does that.  Then it made a hideous shrieking noise and 
 smoke that stank of burning rubber filled the interior.  I quickly pulled 
 into a Wawa and popped the hood again, discovering that the fan belt was 
 gone.  What fun. 

        There's no joy that equals being stuck in 18 degree weather (that's 
 -27.8 degrees in that creepy scale known widely as Centigrate), miles from 
 home, on freakin' CHRISTMAS DAY!!  Thank Christ's foreskin for AAA!  Getting 
 home was actually pretty simple, but stressful.  Then my evil brother takes 
 a shit in MY bathroom and stinks up the whole apartment for a half hour. 
 That's the last time I allow him to evacuate his rancid bowels in my 
 habitation. 

        Then today I got another late Christmas present.  I get my car towed 
 to the local mechanic and get a fix-it bill for $500!  Egad!  Did I get 
 ripped off?  Probably.  They claimed that my whole alternator was shot... 
 probably with the help of a few well-placed hammer blows.  I also missed a 
 day of work, and I'm about 2 weeks shy of having any sick days. 

        So it comes down to this: the car I'm getting rid of in just a few 
 months costs me half a grand and a day's pay from a job in which I'm less 
 than a month away from earning sick days.  Of course this all has to happen 
 on Christmas Day.  It could have been worse, sure.  It could have broken 
 down in the middle of the state, an area which is exceedingly rural, and 
 ended up with the "Deliverance Christmas Special."  It could have been 
 worse, but it still sucked as it was. 

        So what's the moral of this story?  Just because it's Christmas 
 doesn't mean the universe won't pass up the opportunity to kick you in the 
 teeth. 
                                                                             
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 `   anada258   by Jason                            (c) 2001 anada e'zine   `