Anada 212

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Anada

 · 5 years ago

  

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 anada   "Jason on                                                #           
 212         Invisibility"             +###           +###    +####    +###   
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                                by   #     #  # ##  #     #  #    #  #     #  
 12                          Jason   #    .#  ## #  #    .#  #   .#  #    .#  
 nov                                  *###  * #   *  *###  * *###  *  *###  * 
 2000 .+#################################################################.net 

        So this past weekend my parents braved the treacherous journey across 
 the wild Appalachian Mountains to visit me, their firstborn son and the 
 grandest creation of the Universe yet to be conceived.  I did all I could to 
 throw them off my trail, too.  It wasn't too bad, though.  I got to go 
 digging around for family skeletons, trading barbs with my little brother, 
 and trading dick jokes with my high-brow clan.  The height of my perversion 
 was reached when we went to a classy Japanese restaurant and a noticed a 
 quite attractive waitress.  "Hay baby," I said when I was a safe distance 
 and far to quietly for anyone but my family to hear, "I've got a fat man for 
 your Nagasaki!"  I followed this up with, "How'd you like to re-enact Pearl 
 Harbor, except this time I've got the torpedo?"  I tried a few more, but 
 those were the best. 

        I can't believe I don't have a girlfriend.  I guess chicks just don't 
 like a guy with a sense of humor. 

        So anyway, the combination of free-range humor and having recently 
 seen _Hollow Man_ led to the discussion of the silliness and gross 
 impractibility of invisibility.  I first looked at it in practical terms. 
 I figured that as you ate and old cells sloughed off, you would gradually 
 replace all of the invisible atoms with visible ones.  Water would be a 
 particular problem, since it's expelled and replaced at a very fast rate. 
 Sure it's colorless, but also refractive, so you'd show up as a glistening 
 person-shaped glob of water.  That would look cool.  My more artistic and 
 not nearly as cognitively-oriented brother insisted that the food and water 
 would magically stay visible as it passed through, atoms being sucked into 
 the body turning invisible and ones being expelled becoming visible.  Pure 
 bullshit (if you'll pardon the pun), but even if it were possible, you 
 wouldn't be able to do anything until it was completely out of your system, 
 so you'd have to quit eating for two solid days, and that assumes there were 
 no floaters still in your gut!  Not really worth it, especially since all I 
 would do is sneak into the chick's locker room. 

        Other problems: As you walk around in the buff, you'll gradually 
 accumulate a shell of dirt and dust the second you stepped out of the shower 
 and dried off, so you'd never be completely invisible.  You also have the 
 problem with your eyes.  Your cones and rods have to absorb light to 
 interpret it, but if light goes right through, you'd be effectively blind. 
 So you're invisible, AND blind!  What good would that be? 

        Let's assume that complete invisibility as portrayed in _Hollow Man_ 
 is possible, that the body makes all ingested atoms invisible, too.  It 
 raises some interesting lifestyle problems.  Hair would be interesting. 
 Shaving wouldn't be too bad, but it would be kinda hard.  Haircuts would be 
 impossible.  "Why would my haircut matter?" you ask.  Well, I guess it 
 wouldn't.  You would, however, be constantly growing and cutting off 
 INVISIBLE HAIR!  I can see it now, when you plug up the drain with invisible 
 gunk and people can't see any problem. 

        More importantly, though, assuming that your food becomes invisible, 
 how the hell would you wipe your ass??  I don't suppose you'd notice any of 
 the invisible racing stripes in your underwear, but I'd definitely prefer to 
 have a clean ass.  Also, how would I know I did a good job brushing my 
 teeth?  Would the gunk show?  If I had a head cold, it would be refreshing 
 to be able to blow my nose anywhere I wanted and not have anybody tell me to 
 use a tissue.  What about the bacteria in your gut?  Have you just created 
 an invisible strain of bacteria?  What about fingernails?  What about 
 sunburn?  What about tattoos?  What if you need surgery?  What if you knock 
 some chick up? 

        What if you DIE?  People will smell something REALLY nasty, but not 
 have any idea where it's coming from until the flies led them to it.  Would 
 the maggots feeding off of your invisible flesh be invisible?  Would that 
 cause a horde of invisible flies?  Would your bones be sitting there 
 forever, invisible? 

        I think I'd rather just be rich.  

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 anada212 by Jason                                                   (c) 2000 
 ###################################################################anada.net