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Anada 005
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A A N N A A D D A A
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A "Jesus H. Cracker, aNAda #5 A
A It's Another Damn Millenium" A
A by Jphish 02/01/00 A
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Welcome, my brethren, to the dawning of the age of hedonism. Many of
ya will suffer perils of horrible anguish due to sinful lifestyles.
Technology is the fault for much of which is tearing apart moral seams of
decency. Everything from light bulbs to birth control spells disaster for
pleasure-seeking Americans. If you do not yield to my warning, than perhaps
you shall listen to your fancy media regurgitating images for the masses to
spoon up in awe. Let us ring in the new year with change in the political
structure of Russia by ridding ourselves of Boris Yeltsin (secretly known as
Ted Kennedy's lost identical twin stolen during the Cold War) and beware
what might follow for strong leadership in this former red nation.
If political corruption isn't enough to make you think: now Chinese
Bishop Liu Yuanren appointed five new bishops on January 6 against the
Pope's wishes. This comes as a reaction after the Pope ordained only 12
bishops. Clearly the Catholic Chinese militia is out on a secret operative
to force Chinese children to manufacture Papal Pants-Suits. The PPSs will
be distributed throughout the world and will be available in the U.S. at
your local K-mart.
What does all this mean? Well, if I have to spell it out for you,
it's because of your own ignorance or lack of faith. Mao Zedong was cloned
earlier last year and, through a special process, was aged at an accelerated
rate to become the new leader of the Catholic Chinese militia. The new Mao
bribed Yeltsin out of power so that his mistress could become the head of
the Russian Government. Being president however, was not enough for this
power hungry she-devil. As it turns out, she also had hoped to deem herself
the first female Pope. Now as it turn out, the unidentified mistress broke
up with Mao2 on New Years Eve. Mao swore his revenge on her and her progeny
for seven generations (he must have forgot that as Pope Female I, she is
under a vow of chastity). His revenge was to produce the Papal-Pants Suits
so that any woman could buy this garment and proclaim herself Pope of the
world, thus reducing his mistress's power.
In other news, this will be a very special Cinco de Mayo as this will
be the date of the planetary alignment. Fortunately this comes after Easter
and our souls are saved for another year. You see, when the planets align,
the crust of the earth is going to slip like skin on a fruit. North America
is going to end up near the equator and will no longer see winters in the
Midwest. We are the few lucky ones and only if our faith remains strong.
While we get closer to the equator, the polar regions will be moving to more
temperate climates and releasing a flood of melted glaciers that will
destroy the coasts of all continents which host seventy percent of all
metropolitan areas.
Most will be killed by weather changes and floods, but for those who
remain, only one year will be left of their salvation on the terrestrial
plane. For your see, as all good Christians know, the Big J was born on the
year 1, not 0. This means that the new millenium begins Jan 2001--not this
year (the Y2K conspiracy was just a test to see how people are going to cope
with their destruction over the next 16 months). On Easter Monday of 2000,
Christ will return to fight Satan to see who will control earth. If Satan
wins, we all perish next year in our collective sin. If the defendant Jesus
wins, we all still perish, but he will give us a 4,000,000,000-year
extension till he blows up the sun and we become crispy critters.
On a lighter side, my predictions for this year include robotic Jerry
Falwells on every street corner, nuclear weapons the size of watches, and
Tudy from the "Facts of Life" will have the most popular website.
God bless all those who switch their credit line to the Jehovah Gold
Card with an introductory rate of 6.7% a.p.r. and eternal salvation, or 16
months, which ever comes first.
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{ (c)2000 aNAda e'zine * * aNAda005 * by Jphish }
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