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Pure Bollocks Online Vol 105
>From an18359@anon.penet.fi Fri Jan 14 16:40:42 EST 1994
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V O L U M E * 1 0 5
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Released 5th January
=================================================================
The opinions expressed by some of the writers are not necessarily those of all
the PURE BOLLOCKS editorial team. The individual writers retain their own
copyrights. This magazine may be freely spread for non-profit purposes only.
We're not to be held responsible for how people use or mis-use the information
in this magazine. Details of how to contact us are at the end of this file.
* NOTE * IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE ODD SWEARWORD, THEN YOU'RE IN A BIT OF
TROUBLE HERE, I GUESS!
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Welcome to the first issue of this year! Since I'll just be getting back to my
mail account today, I don't yet know of the reactions to the last issue of PB
Online. I'll probably get round to them by the next issue.
Anyway, I think I'd better slow down the release rate of PB Online to
fortnightly rather than weekly, as I've got lots of stuff to do, and editing
this is taking a lot more of my time than I expected! Anyway, I think once a
fortnight is still a fairly good release rate!
<Genie!>
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01 - INTERVIEW WITH EGBSS- DBA diskmag gets all the dirt on the editor of PB
Diskmag!
02 - "MR C" RAP!- Just don't show this to any member of The Shamen!
03 - ALBUM REVIEW- "Hipocrosy Is The Greatest Luxury" by The Disposable
Heroes of Hipophrosy.
04 - COMPLETE TRASH FROM NETWORK TRASH CHAPTER 5! - If your head isn't
spinning yet from the last 4 chapters of this amazing story, it soon
will be when you read this one!
END - Where we're at- literally! If you want to contact us, get the ST
version of PB Diskmag and/or the ASCII version, then you could do worse
than read this bit.
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EGB'S SMELLY SOX IN INTERVIEW FOR ANOTHER DISKMAG SHOCK!
Oh dear oh dear, what HAVE you been doing EGBSS? Doing an interview for another
diskmag indeed! Well, I know this is true, because I've got the file to prove
it! Here's the story: EGB's Smelly Sox told me he was wanting to send Pure
Bollocks to one of the DBA contact addresses, along with a text file in answer
to one of their opinion articles. So I get the job of sending out a couple of
disks to this address. But what's on the disk as well as the article? Yes, it's
an interview done with their Interviewer program! Tut, tut! Well here is the
FULL UNALTERED text of this interview. [It would have to be or else I wouldn't
allow it in this magazine! -EGBSS!] All that's been done to it is a little text
formatting. Intrestingly, when I confronted EGBSS with this text file, he said
he was going to put in the magazine anyway! Hmmmmm...... OK then I'll take you
at your word then! [I fuckin' WAS!!! -EGBSS!!] So, just to show we don't hide
anything, here's the interview EGB's Smelly Sox did using the DBA Interviewer
on DBA 6.
<Genie!>
[NOTE- This has been edited down a bit to fit on this issue of PB Online!]
EGB'S SMELLY SOX
Interview with the MEGA interviewer by D.B.A.
Try it out so you can send in your interview !
Pseudo computer name... EGB'S SMELLY SOX
Group you're in (if any)... PURE BOLLOCKS editorial team
Function (like coder, gfx man etc)...
Well, main thing at the moment is editing and putting together PURE
BOLLOCKS. I also write the odd article for it as well. I've also worked
with Rich Tea in coding for the PERPETUAL DAWN DEMO.
Latest project you made (like demo, games, mod etc)...
Woops, already answered that! Look, get the PERPETUAL DAWN demo- it's fuckin'
brilliant! Ok then, it's not that brilliant but it's the only demo from the
Ripped Off coding party so far! And get PURE BOLLOCKS- it's the best
diskmag, with the exception of D.B.A diskmag.
Real name...
Mr EGB SMELLY SOX. (Ha ha!)
Age...
Older than a Take That fan! [<- Well, most female Take That fans - <Genie!>]
Sex (male or female)...
Yes please! (Why do diskmags ask this question now?)
Weight...
Heavy? Er, dunno, I'm not near a weighing machine!
Length...
What.... You saucy bastard! Get out of here!
Hair (like color, style or just plain bold)...
Erm, purple mohican? Naah, just dark greasy short hair!
Looks (like playboy, shit head etc)...
Shit head playboy!
Clothes (like jeans, t-shirt, baseball cap etc)...
At the mo, it's a sad jumper (Cause it's winter!) and jeans. But I DON'T
wear shite baseball caps!
What do you think of demo's in general (good ,bad, more...)...
Most of the good demos have already been done! The current ones with a few
exceptions are as boring as shit! For example, apart from a couple of good
screens by NEXT, Mystic, Legacy and so on, the Phaelon Gigademo was
giga-crap!
What's your opinion about demo crew's in general...
Well, it's a hobby, so I don't know why everyone takes it so bloody
seriously! It's nothing to have a really a big ego about! Anyway, quite a
lot of the demo coders I've met are OK guys who don't try and act superior.
Do you like the games that are out for the Atari (new, playable etc)
Most of them aren't new or playable! They're usually shit jerky
platform games programmed by lamers, given the go-ahead by bosses who
know fuck-all about the ST, and are advised by programmers who are usually
pig-ignorant Amiga coders.
What's your opinion about software piracy on the ST/E
Dead, dead obvious problem here is prices- and FAST can't cover that up! And
shit software as well. If you pay 30 quid for a piece of jerky shit, then
you're MORE likely to go for a pirate copy next time, I'd guess!
What normal magazines about computers do you read, and what do you think of
them ( Contents, up to date, sort of articles)?
BBS online-mags are usually the most up-to-date, then diskmags, then print
magazines. I think diskmags are more in tune with the ST scene, rather than
online mags, which are a bit too comms, and print-mags, which are really
out of touch!
What would you change if you brought out a magazine????
Aha! Read Pure Bollocks #21, and you'll get an idea! Well, news and gossip
are one thing, coding tips, and loads of info and tips and stuff. That's
the best way I can summarise it!
Do you like the idea of a diskmagazine in general...
Well, it's easier to copy than a print magazine, and you don't need a
coverdisk! It's also more likely to be up-to-date, since you don't have
to wait for printers, and it's also done by ST users for ST users.
(Cliched, but it's true.)
Do you like the articles (to serious, to much craptalk etc)...
I usually don't like a diskmag filled with too much craptalk, I think there
should be a bit of a balance between serious and humorous stuff. I also notice
some diskmags shying away from putting opinions on them. Why not, it's
intresting!
How would you describe a 'lamer'
Er right. I usually think of it meaning either 'Someone who takes credit
for other peoples work' or 'Someone who pretends that he is more important
than he actually is, just for an ego-trip'.
What do you think about the subject 'lamer(s)'
It was funny at first, but it's getting boring now. Always 'Lamer' this
and 'lamer' that. Yawn, yawn, yawn.... Anyway most of the good people in
the scene don't usually throw around the word 'lamer' too much.
Hobbies ( Besides your Atari !!)...
Drugs 'n' sex! [<- This is a lie! - <Genie!>]
Normal state...
Pissed [As in British "pissed" ie drunk. - <Genie!>]
Favourite state...
Pissed and coding!
Good Habits ( like always(?) be nice )...
I'm honest!
Bad Habits ( like bitting your nails )...
I'm too honest!
Fave game(s)...
The puzzle ones like Pipedream, Tetris, and NetTrek on the Apple Mac!
Worst game(s)...
Nearly every platform game in existance! Boring on consoles, boring
and jerky on the ST!
Fave computer software house/group
Erm, Thalion or Eclipse.
Worst computer software house/group
Ocean! (That was hard to guess!)
Fave utility...
Fastcopy Pro
Worst utility...
This really useless thing which put a Degas pic on the GEM background!
Fave kind of music...
Noisy stuff- like thrashing guitars and loud techno!
Worst kind of music...
Boring singer/songwriters with acoustic guitars who sing very boring songs!
(And all the music papers think they're the best thing ever, until the
second album comes out!)
Fave book(s)...
Errm, Jolly Roger's Cookbook?
Worst book(s)..
The boring shit you're forced to read in school- like 'Of Mice and Men'-
probably the most pointless book in existance! I mean, you're already know
whats going to happen at the end of the book by the time you've read through
most of the first chapter, so why bother reading the rest of it!!!
Fave movie(s)...
The Blues Brothers
Worst movie(s)...
There was this really boring film I saw late at night called 'Twinky' that
was just 60's film tricks and nothing else. eg crap pop music, and lots of
shots of Susan George going around on a bicycle.
Fave girl...
Hee hee! I might tell you before I die!
Worst girl (are there any ?)...
Oh yes there are, and her name is MARGRET THATCHER! (She was a girl once,
but I expect she forgot it!)
Fave car...
Robin Reliant!
Worst car...
Robin Reliant? (Sorry, I don't drive!)
Fave thought...
I might code a decent demo screen!
Worst thought...
I might not code a decent demo screen!
Any comment\advise\anything you want to say to the D.B.A. team...
Yes! Read Pure Bollocks and see how a diskmag SHOULD be done! (Joke! You're
diskmag is great, really!)
Some more perhaps ???
No, I'll let the magazine speak for itself!
Do you like this why of interviewing...
It's a great idea. At least the questions are not too boring!
Did you like the questions that where asked...
Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!
***
EGB'S SMELLY SOX of the PURE BOLLOCKS editorial team.
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PHOWARD EN=TRANCIFER HYPERGEN PRO=GRESS PHOREVER
(or just simply THE "MR C" RAP)
A little rap ditty to be done in the voice of a jokey little cockney prick,with
occasional nasally- based singing of some Aberdeen twerp. Oh and if you can get
a decent singer along as well, otherwise settling for the ramblings of some old
person that's currently in vogue with New Age Hippies. Music just to be a
standard "DUM... DUM... DUM... DUM... DUM... DUM... etc." with some
unidentifiable notes from crappy fuzzy gated electric guitar strumming.
ANGUS: PHOWARD EN=TRANCIFER HYPERGEN PRO=GRESS PHOREVER, YEA- HEY! etc., etc.
MR C: Wanna know about this guy who really makes me sick?
It's cause he thinks he is a cool one but really is a prick.
His friends call him C-zer, he's a really shit geeza,
He raps like a madman, and he's thick as a brick.
A forwards and a backwards, all around and back down,
Mr C raps and moves like he wantsa put down.
But since he's also a member of the Shamen,
That's why he can move any mountain!
Mr C, Mr C, get out of this house!
Mr C, Mr C, are you a man or a mouse?
Mr C, Mr C, you ain't got no class!
Mr C, Mr C, you're a pain in the arse!
HAS ANYONE GOT A RECORD CONTRACT?.... LAAAAAAVLY!
ANGUS: PHOWARD EN=TRANCIFER HYPERGEN PRO=GRESS PHOREVER, YEA- HEY! etc., etc.
PHILOSPHER:
Relax and drift into the blue cloud until you can see the Green Crystal
of Truth, then pick it up, and then drift into the purple cloud and
deposit it at the turqoise Temple of Thought. For extra bonus points,
you can slay the Dragon of Synergy at the back of the Temple with the
Sword of Energy, but you don't have to do this finish Level 2.
MR C: Mr C looks like he's completely on E's, know what I mean?
(Sid James laugh).
He created a vibe-
Crowd think "Chuck this nutter over the fence".
Ooh, it's comin' on like a seventh sense!
Mysterious goon, this Mr C loon,
His eye's are so black he looks like a racoon!
If he ever see's yah, make sure you scream and
Run into a crowd and they'll shout out loud:
Mr C, Mr C, get out of this house!
Mr C, Mr C, are you a man or a mouse?
Mr C, Mr C, you ain't got no class!
Mr C, Mr C, you're a pain in the arse!
ANGUS: PHOWARD EN=TRANCIFER HYPERGEN PRO=GRESS PHOREVER, YEA- HEY! etc., etc.
CROWD: C's no good, C's no good- we'd rather take E's, we would!
C's no good, C's no good- we'd rather take E's, we would!
C's no good, C's no good- we'd rather take E's, we would!
...
to fade...
** EGBSS! **
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NOTE- This was done for PB #21 at the start of 1993!
ALBUM REVIEW BY <GENIE> OF NETWORK TRASH
'HIPOCROSY IS THE THE GREATEST LUXURY'
by
The Disposable Heroes of Hipophrosy.
(4th & Broadway BRLPX584)
You know, I was unlucky enough to see Cliff Richard plug his umpteenth
Christmas single one day, and in the interview, he said he didn't like rap
because "anyone can talk" !!!!! Well, er yes, -anyone- can talk, but not just -
-anyone- that can talk is a poet! The best rap -is- poetry and will definately
be remembered longer than any of the lyrics of your songs, Cliff! And no rap
acts I've heard of are daft enough to be paid-up Tories, mind you, neither are
that much poets.
Anyway, this album by The Disposable Heroes of Hipophrosy (Michael Franti
and Rono Tse) contains examples of this class of rap, and covers a pretty wide
range of subjects. It's also a pretty good value album, almost half an hour on
each side! So let's look at each track, one by one:
SATANIC REVERSES
In 1992, the European economic community will attempt to reform.
In 1997, the city of Hong Kong will become a part of the People's Republic
of China.
In 1999, and this is no coincidence, the nation of Panama will control
it's own canal.
While in the United States, civil rights have collapsed at the hands of
fundamentalists And national insecurity's at an all time high.
This one's about the right-wing and religious clawback of various civil
liberties in the land that is ironically supposed to be the bastion of freedom,
and contrasting it with the change taking place in the rest of the world. The
lyric connects the attempted persecution of the arts (eg that 'Piss Christ'
picture.), the phoney cleanup of the Valdez oil slick, and the crackdown on
illegal immigrants- the message being that if the first of the three is
continued then there will be little to oppose the other two. The backing is
deliberately chaotic- loads of avant guarde jazz samples floating around as
well as funny electronic squeaks. There's also a sample of Gregorian chants.
Remember when Enigma got in the top ten with similar chants set to a dance
beat? Well, when it was played over in the US, fundamentalists slammed it as
'blasphemous'!
FAMOUS AND DANDY (LIKE AMOS 'N' ANDY)
Uneducated, undisciplined,
Undisciplined, but mostly unaware,
We join the 'Flavor of the Month' club,
We swallow the Flavor of the Month.
Holding our crotch was the flavor of the month,
Bitch this Bitch that was the flavor of the month,
Being a thug was the flavor of the month,
No to drugs was the flavor of the month,
Kangol was the flavor of the month,
Rope gold was the flavor of the month,
Adidas shoes was the flavor of the month,
Bashing Jews was the flavor of the month,
Gentrification was the flavor of the month,
Isolation was the flavor of the month
My pockets so empty I can feel my testicles,
'Cause I spent my money on some plastic African necklaces.
And I still don't know what the colours mean:
RED, BLACK and GREEN.
I just happened to catch them playing this one live on BBC2's 'Late Show', and
the version there had the same words but sounded completely different to the
album version. Don't worry if you don't know who Amos 'n' Andy are- there's a
small clip of the show in question at the start of the track, so you'll get the
idea- it's basically a crappy sitcom with two black guys that bears absolutely
no relation whatsoever to real life! And while Amos 'n' Andy act out scenes in
cosy sitcom-land, blacks in real life are being pressurised into the usual
media stereotypes. The backings good on this one and there's some great guitar
near the end of this track!
TELEVISION, THE DRUG OF THE NATION
Back again, 'New and improved', we return to our irregularly programmed
schedule, hidden cleverly between heavily breasted beer and car
commercials. CNNESPNABCTNT but mostly B.S.
Where oxymoronic language such as 'virtually spotless', 'fresh frozen',
'light yet filling', and 'military intelligence' have become standard.
Quite a lot of you might have heard this track in some form or another, as this
is quite an old track and dates back to the time when Hipophrosy were still The
Beatnigs- in fact The Beatnigs performed a version of this piece live on that
old C4 music programme The Tube in it's final series. So if you think that
Bruce Springsteen was terribly original when he did a song with the line "150
channels, and there's still nothing on", then think again! I also notice U2
pinched a couple of samples of the start of this track for their ZOO TV tour.
This one's pretty unusual in not being done in any rhymes whatsoever, but done
in an almost narrative form. Modern poetry on a rap record?!
LANGUAGE OF VIOLENCE
The first day of prison was always the hardest,
The first day of prison the hallways the darkest,
Like a guantlet, the voices haunted:
Faggot, Sissy, Punk, Queen, Queer.
Words he used before had a new meaning in here
As a group of men in front of him laughing came near.
For this first time in his life, the young bully felt fear.
He never been on this side of the name-calling,
Five against one, they had his back up against the wall and
He'd never questioned his own sexuality
But this group of men didn't hesitate their reality.
Anyone who thinks rap is all 'gangsters' and glorying in violence might get a
bit of a shock here! This is detailing a violent story in a pretty brutal
terms, but also showing the power of words in such situations: 'Words can
reduce a person to an object/something more easy to hate'. The backing has a
strange women wailing noise played backwards for some reason.
It might as well be noted here that when Hipophrosy appeared on "The Word"
to do "California Uber Alles", Michael Franti originally wanted to do a short
poem on homophobia, but it had to be cut since "The Word" had overran on an
item about breast enlargement through hypnosis! Franti camly announced this in
front of the audience and millions of viewers, then, to great applause took off
his T-shirt to reveal the words "FUCK HOMOPHOBIA" freshly inked across his
chest! Now, how many other raps groups can you name that do this sort of thing?
WINTER OF THE LONG HOT SUMMER
On January 2nd the Bush administration
Announced a recession had striken the nation. The highest quarterly
earnings in ten years were posted by Chevron.
Meanwhile a budget was placed in our hands
As the deadline in the sand came to an end.
So much for the peace dividend-
A billion a day was what we spent,
And our grandchildren will pay for it to the end.
When schools are unfunded, and kids don't get their diplomas,
They get used for gunboat diplomacy-
Disproportionately black or brown we see:
Bullet catchers for the Slave Masters.
If you haven't guessed already, this is the Gulf War Franti's talking about,
and he keeps a low voice during this epic (nearly 8 minutes) and densely
detailed rap lyric. The backing's excellent on this one- some great percussion,
and a simple sequence of samples.
HIPOCRISY IS THE GREATEST LUXURY
The bass, the treble, don't make a rebel.
Having your life together does.
America has the image of a young one
Fast livin', not giving an expletive,
No respect for his or the lives or of those around him.
Suicidal, homicidal, or at least extremely unbridled
How convenient for those who would like to destroy him.
In comparsion to the other tracks, this one is strangely upbeat! And as hinted
from the bit above, Michael Franti appears to be slightly patriotic! (As
Leonard Cohen said: "I love the country, but can't stand the scene". OK, I know
that sounds like a typcial student talking there, but I thought "Democracy Is
Coming To The USA" had one of the funniest lyrics in years!) The backing is
also the most standard of all the tracks (eg a lot of "YO! YO! YO! YO! ...."
stuff, though that might be deliberate, given the nature of the song), though
there is a nice sample of some funny organ music halfway through the song!
EVERYDAY LIFE HAS BECOME A HEALTH RISK
Meanwhile back in the backyard, father lights up a barbecue fire
And he sizzles hormone injected meat on top of a toxic source of heat.
He becomes light-headed as the toxins easily meet with the Lite beer in
his head, And he glaces to his portable television set
From his eyes, he wipes the double-vision sweat- visions of white
supremicists posing as right conservationists
Holding an Aryan agrarain Woodstock lead the stray sheep into the flock,
Hookin' 'em in with the music of flower power
Change their energy to fire power.
Again this draws a couple of apparently disparate subjects into one rap lyric.
I have to be honest here, I know very little about what all the racist
organisations are doing in America, so I couldn't relate to some of the lyrics,
though they are pretty well written, but the rest of them I could recognise as
being spot-on! The backing is the usual high standard.
INS GREENCARD A-19 191 500
This is a minute and a half long sample montage, with a phone call to a
"Greencard" advice line overlayed onto it. A Greencard is needed by every US
citizen to prove that they are living in the US, and are not illegal
immigrants! The voice in the advice line sets the whole tone by sounding
friendly at the start, and sounding more aggressive as it gets nearer to
telling how to report illegal immigrants! Also is the constant repeition of the
phrase "For English, press 1 now"- you get the picture....
SOCIO-GENETIC EXPERIMENT
You see, I'm African Native American Irish and German, I was adopted by
parents who loved me. They were the same colour as the kids who called me
"nigger" on the way home from school.
I cried until I found out what I meant. Then I got some equipement- my
fists, man. I was a hitman with no friends.
But who the hell am I cursing those whose skin is half my DNA? Why am I,
and why shouldn't I be ashamed of this fact?
So much for big ego-trippers! The words pretty much speak for themselves, and
the backing is done in a great reggae-dub style, which apparently how quite a
lot of the next album will sound.
MUSIC AND POLITICS
If ever I would stop thinking about music and politics, I would tell you
that sometimes it's easier to desire and pursue the attention of 100
strangers than it is to accept the love and loyalty of those closest to
me.
Phew! Talk about humble pie! The rest of the lyric is full of this sort of
stuff and is accompanyied by just a simple rhythm guitar, played by Charlie
Hunter.
FINANCIAL LEPROSY
Theives generating revenue, lottery poverty tax,
Landlords and Druglords and "Praise The Loords", they prey upon us.
How did they ever manufacture consent, a meal in every trashcan, myth of
the "Happy Hobo", COINTELPRO (Counter INTELligence PROgram), The Cosby
Show.
Why did they cut the Pell Grant, so they can build cells-
Ten years in prison but no tenure at university.
Is this ethnic diversity, or is it public policy?
Again, I don't quite understand all of the lyrics, but I can appreciate some of
the great play on words in some of the parts. The backing is again dischordant
in places, with a great backward bassline. It also contains samples of a female
speaker making important points, either at a conference or on a TV show. (It
appears to be some sort of debate anyway.)
CALIFORNIA UBER ALLES
Now it's 1992, Knock knock at your front door, hey guess who?
It's the suede denim secret police, they've come to your house for your
long haired niece.
Gonna take her off to a camp, 'cuase she's been accused of growing hemp.
Don't you worry, it's only a shower, and now for your clothes, here's a
pretty flower.
As said before, they peformed a cut down version of this one on "The Word".
Some of you might recognise the song title as being originally done by The Dead
Kennedys. Well, you're right, this is an updated rap version of the song, which
presents quite a different image at the New Age/"sunshine state", and in
particular governer Pete Wilson, from the one shown on TV! It might be a bit
out of date now since the last US elections, but it's still an important
chronicle of the times, and considering it was recorded well in advance of the
Rodney King case and the riots in LA, it gives a lot of the political
background to these events.
WATER PISTOL MAN
Must everything in life have political ramifications,
Even taking kids on vacation or having a simple operation.
But my friend Billy told me that sometimes it sometimes takes a grown man
a long time to learn what it takes a child a night to learn- my son proved
his words:
"Water pistol man, full of ammuntion, squirtin' at fires on a world-wide
mission. But did you ever think to stop and squirt the flowers in your own
backyard."
It's back to the humble pie bit again for the last track. There's a couple of
really nice samples in the this one, and a great long guitar solo, that goes on
right until the tape machine gets switched off! However, the biggest difference
is that Michael Franti chooses to SING the words- no mean feat really,
considering that they make a pretty dense block of lyrics to say, never mind
sing. And apart from a couple of slightly awkward bits, he manages to carry
this off pretty well.
VERDICT: This is one of the best rap LPs of 1992! There's a lot of political
records around, but this one stands out because it has great music to back it
up, and there's not even any ego-tripping, unlike a certain Hammer bloke. So-
buy it! That's all we can say!
<Genie!>
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* This file originally appeared in PURE BOLLOCKS #21, by permission of the *
* authors. This may be spread, but not published for profit. *
****************************************************************************
NOTE - Apart from the members of Network Trash, all the other names (including
"real" names) are so-called "made-uppies" ie fictional stuff. Also,
though some of the events may be inspired by real-life incidents,
they're still fictional made-uppy events here, so there.
== Complete Trash from Network Trash ==
== Chapter 5 ==
THE STORY SO FAR:
By idly hacking around the Computing Science servers, the members of
Network Trash have suddenly stumbled onto a space/time device that the
Computing Science have mysteriously neglected to tell them about.
However, just as they try to put it to good use, and re-write history
to get rid of a few computing lecturers, everyone suddenly goes into a
mysterious distortion loop. Is the Niei of the Comptuing Science
department getting his revenge?
And suddenly the world turned to Stuttgart (if you've got that font in your
System file) and everything was quiet.
Except for Satan, who began to mutter a serious (?) of words: "........Roy
Willow.......yes,yes....Roy Willow ...no,no,yes,yes.AAAHH"
As soon as he had finished, Genie's ears began to glow bright green and
puffs of a foul smelling blue gas ejected themselves fro his ears.
" Get on with the flipping story" the audience cried out, "or you'll
never get anywhere"
Genie said "Who said that ..........and how come we're in a city in south-
west Germany this time round. Some temporal distortion this is."
"Well isn't it obvious?" enquired Private S. Baldrick. "Niei has reached
into the space-time continuum and highlighted those few moments in the Boyd Orr
with his five-dimensional mouse (moving of course on a four-dimensional
surface) and simply selected 'Stuttgart' from his hypercubic menu bar."
"Oh yes, that's right," said Neuromancer unconvincingly. "Now I
remember."
"Remember what?" wondered Pioufgh. "You don't even exist."
"Yes I bloody well do," shouted Neuromancer from the Electronic
Engineering Department. "And if you try and say otherwise I'll... I'll...
I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll...
I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll...
I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll..."
Someone hit the side of the CD player Neuromancer was being played on
and a capacitor discharged somewhere as the laser beam jumped a few microns.
Puffs of a foul smelling blue gas ejected themselves fro his ears.
"What the fukc does fro mean?" Lumberjack mumbled expediently.
"The same as fukc, I expect," pedanticised Warlock.
That was when the fire alarm went off.
A surprisingly large number of people seemed to be running down the fire escape
considering it was 1938 and (1) the Boyd Orr hadn't been built yet and (2) most
of the people running down the stairs hadn't been born yet and (3)...I can't
think of anything else.
They got to the bottom and a few fell out onto the fast-disappearing
streets of Stuttgart while the remaining 450 noticed that the city was by now a
hundred metres below them. Admittedly, they would probably have broken AZT's
record in the 100m in the QM if they had jumped, but these people were all in
the GUU so they didn't know that.
Satan popped downstairs to relieve himself of the excessive weight of his
Brylcreem and found 450 people blocking the way. Pushing them out to make
room, he almost toppled over the brink under the weight of his hair, but
stopped himself by holding onto a convenient pole which happened to fly by at
0.9999c just then. He realised too late that relativity dictates that a pole
will be 1.4141782% of its rest length when travelling that fast, and fell
through the revolving doors after the 450 chemistry students who had gone
before. Oops.
Revlis looked out of the window and mispelt another word or four. Pioufgh
followed up with a quick interchange of two crucial letters of some word, then
threw in a quick 'intresting' and jumped back with his (her?) guard up. Roy
Willow jumped briefly into the arena with a gramatically nonsensical sentence
and then disappeared again. Pioufgh quickly took this opportunity to switch
round the double letters to make 'dissapeared' and revlis was sent reeling.
But he bounced off the ropes extremely fast and copied a corrupted version of
the MS Word British Dictionary from the Reading Room into the Network Trash
Folder. Pioufgh was blinded by this flash of inspiration and stood there
dumbfounded for a while. Then revlis spell-checked the entire Active Messages
file with the corrupted dictionary, utterly confusing everybody who was trying
to edit it at the same time. Pioufgh fell backwards into the back of a Mac in
the row behind, pulling the AppleTalk connector out and crashing every computer
on the network.
This was just the perfect time for everyone to discover that their
INTERRUPT button was missing from the side of their Mac. The Jynx walked into
BO 507 at just that moment, looking strangely grey and plastic, shouting 'Heil
Duffin! Heil Benson! Heil me a taxi please, I need to get back to the
psychology lecture I was in five seconds ago!' But it was too late. He had
espied a Mmire pattern forming on the screen of an SE/30 and was entrapped. He
stared, hypnotised by its twisting, turning, misting, forming, listing,
mourning parallel pixelated lines. A colour Sun disappeared, unnoticed, behind
him and the resulting air pressure drop swung the door shut on his left. A
click signified it automatically locking itself as he knelt on the floor in
front of the god Mmire.
Someone had restored a back-up copy of Active Messages to the NTF just as
Niei walked into the room.
"But I thought you were in Lilybank Gardens!" Warlock expounded, turning
paler by the second.
"I came over to fiddle somebody's laser quota," said Niei. "Why are you
looking so worried exactly?"
"Oh...er, no reason, I just remembered I hadn't eaten anything for several
months."
Niei began to move closer to Warlock's Macintosh.
"Oh, you don't want to see this really," said Warlock hurriedly. "It's
just a DigSim unit's implementation section...I mean a Pascal logic circuit...I
mean...er...it's extremely unmodular, it would offend your sensibilities just
to look at it."
Niei drifted silently closer.
"Shit." Warlock reached for his RESET button, but it was not there. He
pressed clover-Q and Return, but the Return key activated the Yes button of the
"Save changes...?" dialog. And coincidentially, everyone else in the room had
just desperately quitted out of Microsoft Word when they had seen Niei come in,
so the amount of traffic on the network was enormous. Warlock's computer hung.
He decided to take the last desperate measure of self-preservation open to him,
and switched off.
Suddenly all hell broke loose.
The Network Trash Folder was corrupted beyond repair by the sudden
termination of Warlock's Save command. By chance, the randomised bits happened
to arrange themselves into the machine code necessary to create an incredibly
robust and effective worm. It left the Network Trash Folder and found its way
into the Staff Minutes folders. All minutes of all the staff meetings were
deleted and the reverse temporal effects of the Boyd Orr's negative digital
control field caused the meetings they referred to never to have taken place.
This meant that the first year Macs had never had the extra 1 Mb of memory
installed in them, and therefore the users of the NTF had never gone in there
to work, so The Jynx had never learned of the NTF and abruptly ceased to exist.
The department had never switched from Turbo Pascal to THINK, and so
Redirect.io had never been possible. Therefore the first assignment in second
year had been to create (or rather put the finishing touches to) a small text
editor. Genie had developed this into a full-blown word processor and sold it
to Computer Associates for several hundred thousand pounds. He had bought a
Mac Quadra 900 and made a few hundred megabytes of its hard disk into a public
drop-box server. Niei had found this and changed its access privileges so that
no-one could use it. Genie had brought a civil suit under the Computer Misuse
Act and Niei had been forced to pay out 45,000 and gone bankrupt. He had had
to quit his job at the university and the reverse temporal effect of this had
caused Maclib never to be set up. Without Maclib there was no reason to have a
network, so the university had never installed one. Therefore the Network
Trash Folder had never existed and so the events in this story had not taken
place. Thus in particular Warlock had not saved that file to the NTF and
corrupted the data, so the worm had never been created and the Network Trash
Folder had never been corrupted, and the committee minutes had not been
destroyed, and the staff meetings did take place after all, and the word
processor had never existed, and neither had Genie's IIfx, and Niei had never
quit his job, and so Maclib had existed after all, and therefore there was a
network, and there was a Network Trash Folder, and it did get corrupted, and
the word processor did exist, and the network didn't exist, and the Network
Trash Folder wasn't corrupted, and the word processor never existed, and there
was a Network Trash Folder, and it did get corrupted, and the word processor
did exist, and the network didn't exist, and it didn't get corrupted, and the
word processor didn't exist, and the network did get corrupted, and the word
processor did exist, and the network didn't exist, and therefore the word
processor didn't exist, and thus the network did exist, and therefore the word
processor did exist, and therefore the network didn't exist, and thus the word
processor didn't exist, and........
Oh dear.
Zog quickly called up ResEdit and changed Niei's LOCKED bit to zero, and
Torg made a temporary copy of him in the Clipboard and then dragged him to the
Wastebasket. That put an end to it soon enough.
Having suddenly quit out of Network Trash, someone took the opportunity to
log onto Kev's IIcx server.
"But," noted Genie, "that's in Lilybank Gardens and the link to there is
wired in underground. So it would have been pulled out when the Boyd Orr took
off. So how can you link up to it?"
"A combination of fellowship and superstring theory," explained
Stringfellow.
"Yes, sure."
The Jynx kneeled in front of SE/30 no. 394 and stared. He still did not
exist in the current continuum, but was merely a figment of the imagination of
the Mmire program.
Nun Fucker looked out the window. He recognised instantly the thatched,
resonant rooftops of old Cupertino. And for once they seemed to be relatively
still. At least, they were still passing by picturesquely, but they were going
more slowly now. Captain Salamander popped in to remind everyone that he still
wasn't here, and Pioufgh thought some more.
Then everybody hopped downstairs in the lifts to floor 4, and hopped (on
the other foot) into the Snack Bar for...well, a snack. The actual bar was
closed, so they ate the hundred or so philosophy students who had wandered in
from the Bute Hall in the last quarter of an hour instead.
An Amiga crept silently into BO 501 and attempted to have it off with a
large colour Mac II. But the Mac II's fianc, a network switching box by the
name of "Brigitte" decided to do something about it. He (Brigitte) crept
silently into the Amiga and converted all of its Chip RAM into Fast RAM, which
is of course actually slower than Chip RAM, which knocked the Amiga entirely
out of sync and dropped the connection. The Amiga tried to re-establish
contact, but British Telecom cut it off halfway through to inform it that there
was a call coming through for it from an 0898 number. Brigitte and the Mac II
(whose name was Krista) lived happily ever after - or at least until
incompatibility problems with System 7 brought an end to their bliss.
Remember that worm we heard about before? Well a paradox like that doesn't go
away easily.
The Network Trash Folder suddenly got corrupted again. Judicious application
of Niei (from the Clipboard) ensured that no paradox arose this time, but it
was kind of difficult to see what was going on. The entire environment and
surroundings of everyone in the story had been malformed, and those of us who
have played Moria a lot will recognise the scene as that created when you
inadvertently eat a Mushroom of Hallucination. Except that this was no
hallucination...
Satan landed, still grasping at the relativistic rod that wasn't there, cursing
Albert Q. Einstein for every cent he had, on the roof of the Boyd Orr Building.
He entered to seek his revenge...but couldn't decipher the scene before his
eyes.
He had twenty-four hours to find either a recent backup of the Network
Trash Folder or a copy of Symantec Utilities For The Macintosh, or at least the
data rescue section of it...
by
TORG
** STAY TUNED NEXT ISSUE FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT IN THE SAGA! **
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