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Pure Bollocks Issue 22_060
PURE BOLLOCKS CLICHED JOKES SECTION presents:
Bip of Hopeless Lamers in...
BIP'S 'HILARIOUS' PROBLEM PAGE:
Q: I'm a demo coder with a problem. I'm not a bad coder really, but
everyone thinks I'm a lamer because I let my cousin write my
scrolltext, and he always writes a load of shit whilst pretending to be
me, and so everybody thinks I'm a sad techno rave-head with the mental
age of 15 who keeps bragging about how brilliant his code is, whether
it's a piece of shit or not! Also, everyone thinks I'm a sadcase
because I put my own demo in my top ten demos of all time!
A: Well, I've got one of your demos here, and yes you're right, it really
is a shit 3D rout which only shows one side of the cube when it's close
up, and the scrolltext keeps going on about how brilliant and fast it
is! Well, firstly I would suggest that you get your cousin to listen to
some decent music like Napalm Death. Funnily enough you can order the
Napalm Death Demo from Bip's PD Library for only 10! Also get him to
start coding on his ST- he'll never brag about it again! As for your
pathological egomania, well you'll need more advanced help than mine..
Q: I am an ex-editor of a well known computer magazine. I was pushed out
in favour of a nice-looking girl. I originally thought it was because
she looked like less of a prat than me on the letters page, but now I
think it might be because I was a crap editor that slagged all demo
coders, kept including articles slagging the ST off, and kept annoying
everybody in PC Format! What can I do to regain my credibility?
A: By an ST, and actually do something useful with it. I find that always
helps. One useful thing you could do is a demo. Funnily enough, you can
get the Demo Construction Kit on 6 disks from Bip's Dodgy Barras Stall
at 3 a disk! Oh, and don't worry about credibility- look at Tony
Wagstaff to see what I mean.
Q: I'm the assembly expert in a well-known computer magazine, and I give
advice to everyone that writes to me. But everyone still doesn't
understand my code, or when they do, say it's complete crap! What am I
doing wrong?
A: There's a really clever technique you can use to help your assembler
programming- it's called supervisor mode. Type in this small listing
and watch it bomb out!
* Really clever technique to get into supervisor mode
* Carefully worked out in 4 days flat by
* Roger Piss-on and Tony Wankstaff.
* Please credit us if you use this code!
* This is the fastest way to do it!
super_i equ 32
super movea.l #stack_usp_ptr,a0
move.b #0,(a0)+ clear 4 bytes- that's a word length!
move.b #0,(a0)+
move.b #0,(a0)+
move.b #0,(a0)+
subi.l #4,a0
movea.l #into_super,a1
move.b #0,(a1)+
move.b #super_i,(a1)+ super command is 20
suba.l #2,a1
label move.l (a0),-(sp)
move.w (a1),-(sp)
trap #13 call GDOS
addq.l #32,sp tidy stack
move_stack_into_d0
move.l d0,stack_usp_ptr save d0 for really technical reasons
bss The bss bit
stack_usp_ptr dc.b 0 one bss part
dc.b 0
dc.b 0
dc.b 0
into_super dc.b 0 another bbs bit
dc.b 0
end the end bit
The amazing effect of this that you don't have to use traps for
everything. I would also refer you to a very good back called ST
Internals. And it's available from Bips Brilliant Bookshop at only 30!
Q: What's the quickest way to get all the latest software titles for
nothing?
A: Join the Trading Standards Office, and bust pirate stalls in your local
market. For more details, there's a new book on the subject called
"How To Join The Trading Standards Office And Bust Pirate Stalls In
Your Local Market So That You Can Get All The Latest Software Titles
For Nothing" by Bip of Hopeless Lamers, for only 20- exclusively from
Bip Publications!
Q: I am a lamer, and your article in PB #21 struck a chord with me. I'm
now no longer ashamed to admit that I am lame, but I would like to meet
other people like myself. Is there any groups for lamers near me?
A: The likelihood is that there will almost certainly be a lamers group
near where you live, as there are much more of them around than many
people would like to admit! Alternatively, you call Bips Lamer Advice
Line on 0898 359 444. (36p cheap rates, 48p peak rates.) Don't worry-
you are not alone, and slowly societies attitude to lamers is changing
anyway. (Fuckin' coders- who needs 'em!)
Q: I own an Amiga.
A: What are you doing reading this then? Piss off.
Q: Ok, I own an ST as well, but I still like the Amiga!
A: Well, there are counselling groups for people with your type of mental
disorder. Might I recommend the Bip Anti Amiga Counselling Course? In
it you learn about the hardware intricacies of the Amiga, and if that's
not enough to put you off the machine, you might as well go and kill
yourself!
Q: Right thanks, I'll try that.
A: OK, no problem...
Q: ......
A: ......
Q: I'm still here.
A: Yes, I know that.
Q: Why?
A: I don't know.
Q: What is your name?
A: I'm not going to tell you my real name, for fucks sake!
Q: Why did you resign?
A: You'll never know.
Q: We want information..... INFORMATION...... I-N-F-O-R-M-A-T-I-O-N-!-!-!
A: You won't get it.
Q: By hook or by crook we will...
A: Who are you?
Q: The new number 2.
A: Who is number 1?
Q: You are number 6.
A: I AM NOT A NUMBER, I AM A FREE MAN!
Q: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
A: Oh, fuck off, this is getting desperate.
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