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Pure Bollocks Issue 22_023
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* O P I N I O N *
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ST FORMAT'S PROBLEM PAGE!
Don't you just hate those thick idiots who write into ST Format with really,
*REALLY* sad questions which are common sense to most normal people (EVEN
Amoeba owners). I hope these letters don't give an overall view of the ST
population ? (WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT!?!)
These letters take up space in ST Format which means that YOU have to pay extra
for it (that is, if you are daft enough to buy ST Format).
TO ST FORMAT- we say.. SCRAP THAT SECTION!! There is not enough sad cunts in
the universe for you to be able to justify such a waste of space! Why not get
some decent programmer (Demo/Professional(GAMES)) to do a section which might
actually make somebody buy your FUCKING SAD magazine! [Well, to be fair, at
least they've got Wheee The Fibble now! -EGBSS]
OK, here are a few sad letters from various issues of ST Format.. (Thanks to
SNOOPY for the loan of the magazines!) The letters have been placed in their
original categories...
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1. THE DISK DRIVE
Q: I only have one disk drive and when I try to copy a program from one disk
to the other on the screen it never works. What is wrong?
David Barret, St Peter Port, Guernsay
A: YA FUCKING DUNCE GEEK, IF YOU DO THAT, THE ROMS IN YOUR COMPUTER WILL SEND
OUT AN ENCODED RADIO MESSAGE TO F.A.S.T. THIS MESSAGE INFORMS THEM THAT
YOU'RE A PIRATE, AND WHERE YOU STAY!!! .... WHY DON'T YOU WRITE INTO ST
FORMAT AND ASK THEM WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?
Q: I have a 520 STE and I was thinking of buying a 1MByte external drive. If I
got this would I be able to play 1MByte games.
S. Nisbet, Bellshill, Lanarkshire
A: WEEELLL, RABSIE BABY, I THINK THAT YOU'VE GOT IT WRONG LADDIE. I'M NOT SURE
ABOUT THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION.. TO FIND THE ANSWER TO YOUR QUESTION,
YOU HAVE TO READ THE BOOK 'ENGINEERING MATHEMATICS' (BY K.A. STROUD,SECOND
EDN., ISBN 0-333-33337-3. THE BOOK IS PUBLISHED BY MACMILLAN) TO FIND THE
ANSWER!
IF YOU CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF THE ANSWER, LOOK IT UP IN THE BIBLE.. I
THINK IT'S IN PSALMS 999 :- 'LAMENT FOR A LAMER'.
Q: I'm going to upgrade my ST to 1Mbyte. Do I need a 1Mbyte disk drive? If
not what are the advantages?
Bernard Blackham, Cheshire
A: SEE THE PREVIOUS ANSWER YA FUCKING CLOT.
2. THE PRINTER
Q: How do I get my Epson MX80 9-pin printer to work on my 1040STFM?
Paul McCool, Glasgow
A: SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO PLUG THE CABLE WITH THE MAINSPLUG INTO THE MAINS AND
THE OTHER WIRE INTO YOUR COMPUTER! IF THIS DOESN'T WORK, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
THROW YOUR COMPUTER OUT OF THE WINDOW.
Q: On a colour printer, do you have a ribbon with lot's of different colours
on it or do you have a different ribbon for each colour? T. Moxham, Hants
A: RIGHT FIRST TIME.. IT'S LIKE FUCKING SPAGHETTI INSIDE A COLOUR PRINTER.
WHEN THE PRINT QUALITY GETS FAINT, POUR DOLMIO AND MINCE INTO IT FROM THE
TOP. I HAVE DONE THIS FOR YEARS WITH MY PRINTER, ALTHOUGH I'VE NEVER USED
IT. I KNOW THAT IT WORKS! ..TRUST ME.
3. SOFTWARE
Q: Can I play games on a 1040 ST?
Michael Jones, Herts
A: NO *YOU* CAN'T ARSEHOLE. ST'S ARE JUST A FUCKING THING YOU HAVE ON YOUR
DESK AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT.. SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THAT YOU *CAN*
PLAY GAMES ON IT, AND THEY WILL TELL YOU SO.. TO JOIN THEM IN THEIR GAME,
GO INTO THE BARRAS AND ASK FOR DISKS WITH NAMES ON THEM.. SWAP THESE WITH
YOUR FRIENDS (JUST LIKE PANINNI FOOTBALL STICKERS!. YOU CAN GLUE THE DISKS
INTO AN ALBUM IF YOU LIKE, IF YOU DO, YOU CAN SHOW THEM TO YOUR
GRANDCHILDREN WHEN YOU GET REALLY OLD. (THEY MIGHT ALSO BE WORTH SOMETHING
BY THEN!!!)
TO CUT A LONG ANSWER SHORT..
OF COURSE YE CAN YA FUCKING STUPID CUNT.
Q: Can you play ST games on an STE?
P. Horn, Cumbria
A: NO, ST GAMES WERE MADE FOR THE HARDWARE OF THE STFM. THE STE CAN'T HANDLE
THE DEMANDS PLACED ON THE COMPUTER, AND THEREFORE OFTEN CRASHES! SELL YOUR
STE AND BUY AN STFM.
(NO OFFENCE MENT TO ANYONE WITH FM'S. HEY! I'VE GOT AN STFM YA BAS.)
Q: How on earth do I get a file out of a folder?
Daryl Lay, Suffolk
A: THIS ONE IS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS THAT I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ASKED THIS...
WALK TO THE FILING CABINET, UNLOCK DRAWER, OPEN DRAWER, SEARCH FOR FOLDER
REQUIRED, TAKE OUT FOLDER, OPEN FOLDER, TAKE OUT REQUIRED FILE AND HEY
PRESTO..YOU HAVE NOW REMOVED A FILE FROM A FOLDER YA DOZY CUNT.
ALTERNATIVELY YOU CAN BREAK THE LOCK AND.... ETC.
Q: Is it possible to run my old 8-bit games on my STE?
A. Gofford, Peterborough
A: IF YOUR GAMES ARE IN 8 BITS, WE SUGGEST THAT YOU DON'T TRY IT.. GLUE THEM
TOGETHER FIRST, OR ALTERNATIVELY, JUST PUT THE BITS INTO THE FUCKING BIN.
Q: Can a mono emulator do any damage to an ST's internals?
Martin White, Southampton
A: YES!! IF YOU HAVE RUN SUCH A PROGRAM ON YOUR COMPUTER, ALL YOUR DISKS
BECOME INFESTED WITH VIRUSES, A PERMANENT VIRUS ALSO INSTALLS ITSELF IN
ROM.. TO SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE, SEND YOUR COMPUTER AND DISKS TO OUR P.O. BOX
[Hey! We haven't got that ready yet! -EGBSS!] AND WE WILL GET RID OF IT FOR
YOU BEFORE IT TAKES OVER THE WORLD!!!!!
WE WON'T EVEN CHARGE YOU FOR IT!!!!
<THE END>
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Some of these questions are quite funny others are just plain stupid.
If there's anyone out there who have got any questions about your ST, please
send them to the editorial address [By which we mean "email editorial address"
-EGBSS], we are thinking about having a Help section in PURE BOLLOCKS... Be
warned, though, stupid questions will end up in articles similar to this one!
-ESP-, -GLT- & ^BAT^.
