Mimeograph Issue 03
Intro
hello friends, welcome to the third edition of the mimicified emag mimeograph. lots has happened since the last issue, like say meatpod quit the scene, sooo he's not exactly going to be running mimeograph too much.
so i bet you're wondering who is doing this crazy shit now that our failthful mimeographer has gone to a better place? well it's me cat-dog your most hated scenester who has been beaten into a submission all crouched position with no pants after i ended hazmat. also on a lighter note, aeternam will be a co-guy he helps me out when my adult diapers are moist and soggy.
without his initiative and help in getting this going again it wouldn't be here. also i would like to thank anyone who for some reason wanted to write in this. the same goes for the people who did art and menus for this issue. it really helps when your not trying to do it all alone when it's a group thing.
so in
concl-
usion.
i wou-
ld li-
ke to
say t-
hanks
to all
those
who c-
ontri-
buted!
LONG LIVE AFRICA
Volastyle
Volatilish - A future for Volatile's horrible english?
Over the past few years that volatile has been with us, some of you may have gotten into a heavy conversation with this Israeli oldschooler. Such phrases as 'One word, Grow up', and 'do they go, houdy yall?' are ones I've been witness to in the past. Well, I've had enough of this unknown brilliance. It's time that volatile is reconignized for this spectacular language modification! Some of you have dubbed it, 'Christ, learn to speak english, volatile.' or, 'Go back to school, eurotrash!'. But it just doesn't have that certain ring to it. Dubbed by El Nino as 'Volatilish', I think the name explains itself. Volatilish is the language in which volatile commutes with (on irc anyways). From this, I have broken the newfound classification of Volatilish into a couple words.
Volastyle \Vall-a-stile\ ex. "Man, stop acting volastyle!" (s) "You've got volastyles!"
Volriffic \Vall-riff-ick\ ex. "Your volatilish is volriffic!"
Voltacular \Vall-tack-u-lare\ ex. "That essay was so voltacular!"
Voldiot \Vall-dee-it\ ex. "Stop being a Voldiot!"
These are just words that can be used to classify Volatilish expressions. Some examples of actually speaking Volatilish would be -
"Two words: Get a life!!"
"Did you explosion fireworks on 4 Julyth?"
"Their was a mistake in you're webpage!"
"Me fail english? That's unpossible!" (Note, this may have been taken from an outside source).
As you can see, the list goes on & on. I would like to post a follow-up to this topic in the next Mimeograph. If interested, please mail me, blk_jack@mimic.ca with suggestions, quotes, and anything else you can find. Until then, practice your volatilish.
Fucktastic
make it stop.
i want to quit drawing. plain and simple. i don't like being in the scene. i don't like many people in the scene. not many people in the scene like me.
will i stop drawing? no. will i stop trying to run a bbs even though i can admit to myself that bbs's are dead? no. will i make rash bold statements that the scene is dead, bbs's are dead and everyone who still participates in drawing for bbs's or calling bbs's are living in a dream world. no.
why not?
because i live in this dream world we call the art scene. by far means it's not the popular thing to do. i mean who would rather spend their time sitting on irc talking to people you don't know and drawing little cute pictures using only dollar signs, underscores, hyphens, periods and the many other characters in the the ascii character set, than going out with friends and playing pool or smoking a fattie, and generally doing something with their life. hell i would. and i know countless amounts of people who would also. just jump on irc and take a peek in #ascii, or #remorse, or #mimic.
what does the scene mean to me? what do i get out of wasting my time with ascii art?
the scene to me is something i have never experienced before. not unlike the real world the scene has corporations, the scene has friends, the scene has family, the scene has foes, corruption, theft, racism, prejudice. many people have become sick of the scene. i don't blame them. but hey! what are you leaving for? i'm not asking for a reason, but for something more. are you leaving for the 'real world'? the real world is a joke in my mind. everything that we have in the 'real world' we have in the scene. what the hell you talk cat-dog????$@?$@?$%%!@ theres no sex, theres no drugs, theres no school.. blah blah blah. fuck you. open your eyes. sex... the guardian. need i say more. drugs... hell the moment i saw my first ansi i was hooked. the art is like a drug. ansi? what the hell are you talking about this is a ascii thing. yea, i know but without having dialled that first bbs and seen that first ansi, i wouldn't have wanted to write a door game, i wouldn't have went on irc looking for art for it. i never would have discovered ascii. so there! school... try taking a deeper look at being in a group. *cough* a group is a school in my eyes. serious. look at it. one leader of the group 'principal', division heads 'teachers' (when i joined remorse it was trial so that they could help me develop my skills, aka "teaching" heh), artists 'students'. as you see i am exactly right and every other opinion is wrong. do i waste my time with ascii art? yes. and i can say that because how is drawing ascii going to make me a better person. honestly. it can't. but you can say your interaction with people, but folks... we all probably know irc just ain't a network so people can interact nicely, and with respect. heh.
bah that sounded lame.
anywho...
what do i hate about the scene?
i hate nothing, the scene wouldn't be what it is without everyone who is in it. yea, it can appear to be a fucking stupid waste of time, and yea it is. and i know some people out there are thinking 'what about racism?' know what? racism makes the scene worth being in. totally. if it wern't for the euro's, the israeli, and the mexicans i don't think i would have been able to stand being in a scene that didn't have racism and prejudice. watching people make fun of others culture's, ethnic backgrounds, and way of life, is really fucking funny. call me a racist i don't care. why should i care. i don't know you. and if i did, would i care? no. why not? because you are most likely a euro, or israeli, see in north america we have generally become accustomed to racial slur, discrimination, and prejudice. we happily don't give a fuck if someone calls us a dumb canuck eh?, a stupid canadian, or a yankee, hick etc.. etc.. the only people who whine are you. (you know who you are, /me points at the european's and israeli)
hmm ok i didn't actually intend to go this long. even though it's not really that long. i started hoping i could get a paragraph maybe. anyways, i don't care what you think. you're nothing but a IP address, and maybe, just maybe a you might have an effect on my life, but it's not likely gonna happen.
one thing i would like to say as i close..
thank you to all the people who have be-friended me during my time in the scene. i appreciate it, and won't forget it. also thanks to anyone who ever drew anything for me.
special mention goes to:
meatpod - only one who didn't question or crack really lame jokes about my nick. 'cat-dog is punk'
skaboy101 - your the best grant. thanks for pointing out some missed credits.
judge dredd - no reason, you've just always been cool to me, and helped me a lot.
Palmore - you're the single coolest guy in remorse.
deviant - fuck you. suck my sweaty, abnormally small stump for a penis.
peace, love, fuck you
- cat-dog
Life on Mars
@(cat-dog ) write about your extreeme hatred of the pudding that stays on the peel off lid in pudding cups
Do you feel comment i feel ?
i mean, i really hais when the pudding colle on the peel of lid in the pudding cups. i hate that since the age of 6, when my mom achete me my first pudding cup. i dÇcolle the lid, and then, êPOUVANTE!! it went everywhere, even on my shirt! i cried, and i cried! i avais plein de chocolat on my shirt, and it was so horrifing! my dog wanted to me manger me to lÇcher tout le pudding qui Çtait dans mon gilet. so i ran away, en exile to south africa, with le cash a mononclequ'hes rich but gratteux. so i stole it, and got into a plane. there, i met le great booboo h`a'00ta and j'ai passÇ un mauvais half-hour. he tried to enculemy thight ass. so i ran away again, and i burst into tears in the middle of la foret. but mowgli sauve ma life, feeding me. i got some money to come back to canada, stronger than ever!
but one week ago, when i was eating supper, an evil pudding attacked me.. im gonna tell you about it...
there i was minding my own affaires manger a Mmm delicieux no-name brand chocolate pudding cup which my moin than adequit mother bad bought even after i specifically requested bill cosby "jello" brand pudding cups. but anyways.. i was just enjoying (as much as i could.. it was no-name brand mind you!) and when i got to the bottom as i was lÇcher the small morceaux from the corners of the plastic cup which held my chocolate dÇlice. the lid of the cup (you knowthat metal-plastic piece of caca that you peel off) well anyways as i was licking le bas comme je le fais toujours pour etre sur que j'ai le maximum de tongue, and apparently (unknown to me) the chocolate got smeared on my nose.
so there i was with the chocolate pudding on my nez making me look part black. not that thats a bad thing in general but in the montreal ghetto i live in it can get pretty hairy when a noir man walks by. like this one time a vraiment dark skinned fellow came by looking pour some shoe polish, we really said some mean choses. like hey you chicklets! or hey l'negre! or hey you chicklets! or like hey blackie! and he got really choquÇ et away. so now you know how severebeing a homme noir in white state of vancouver. but thats
enough from me, i mean i got better things to do...
like faire du fromage.
Brave little toaster
---DOODLE NOTE: This is the *TOTAL* rough copy of the assignment. A lot of grammar & spelling corrections were made. Please excuse this. :)
---I ended up getting 85% on this little ditty. We basically had to write a story on how innocence is lost & then realizes what it has done & destroys itself. Kapow.
---------------------------------------cut-------------------
The Brave Little Toaster III - The Final SLICE.
Note: The Brave Little Toaster is trademark to whomever. The character is not an original idea by myself, nor do I claim it to be.
"Ready or not, here I come!" yelled out the Brave Little Toaster as he gazed out over his familiar kitchen home. The Brave Little Toaster had been living with the friendly couple who occupied this household for the past 2 years now. Ever since he had been purchased from the Sears department store, on 36th Street.
His mind set on the game of hide and go seek which he was playing, he hopped down off the window sill, where he had counted to 20, letting his electronic appliance friends hide. Out of the corner of his eye, the Brave Little Toaster caught the motion of one of his friends, Terry, the electric can opener peeking around the corner of the cold water tap. "Ah-ha!" thought the toaster, "I've got you now, Terry!". Silently, the Brave Little Toaster crept over from the side of the kitchen table to the kitchen sink area. "AHHHH!" came an ear-splitting screech as Terry leaped from his hiding place. "I've got you now!" called out the little toaster with joy. "*SMACK*", the Brave Little Toaster's electrical cord snapped out to grab onto Terry's handle. The Brave Little Toaster smiled as he reeled Terry in. "Aw, looks like you've found me again, BLT!" sighed Terry. "You know the rules, now you've got to help me find the others, okay?" asked the brave toaster. "Okay, okay.." agreed the can opener. *Thud* *THUD* *Thud*, came the sound of approaching footsteps to the kitchen. "Oh no, Mary's coming!" gasped the BLT in fear. "Quick, into posision!" Suddenly, from various locations in the kitchen, small & large electrical applicances sprang into motion and started jumping, sliding, and rolling back into place. Although they all lived with the family, they had to make sure to keep silent and non-animated at all times or risk being discovered.
"Honey, I'll be up in a minute, I'm just going to clean up a bit." called Mary as she strolled into the kitchen. "Alright, honey!" came back the faint voice of her husband, Henry. Mary reached over at the Brave Little Toaster to grasp his electrical cord, and plug it in. "I wonder how that thing always gets unplugged?" Mary quietly asked herself.
"Hrm, everything looks about right." muttered Mary as she headed out of the kitchen. Just when the Brave Little Toaster was about to unplug himself, and return to his game he heard the quiet noise of Stevo, the family cat, creep into the kitchen. Stevo leaped up on the counter and posisioned himself beside the Brave Little Toaster, squating on the top of his metallic silver casing. "Oh dear! Stevo had better not do what I think he's going to do!" thought the Brave Little Toaster.
*BZZZZZZZZT*, a large yellow electric bolt sprang from the coils within the little toaster as the urine filled its inside. "MEOW!!!" was all the cat managed to let out before his body went stiff and lifeless, tumbling off the table onto the floor. "Sweet Jesus Christ!" bellowed out the toaster, violently unplugging himself from the wall as he leaped down to aid the now-fried cat.
"I'm sorry, Brave Little Toaster." apologized Lisa, the penlight. The Brave Little Toaster glanced around the kitchen floor, as more and more of his appliant friends gathered to convey the damage. "But I didn't mean to! I was just--" the Brave Little Toaster was cut off in mid-sentence. "Man, you killed the cat!" shrieked Stampy, the fridge, as he peered down onto the death scene.
"Why god? Why?!" cried out the BLT, with great remorse. "Wait little toaster!" yelled out Lisa as he jumped up onto the counter, hopping towards the garbage disposel. "Don't do it, dude!" echoed Terry. But alas, it was too late. With one final hop, the Brave Little Toaster flung himself into the garbage disposel. *BBBbzzzzzZZZZZZZrrrTTTTtt* sounded a haunting screech, as the machine chewed the toasters flimsy metal case apart.
The scene sucks
THE SCENE IS HORRIBLE!! KILL ME!!,by Black Jack
"Man, the scene is shit today. Remember back in '94? Those were the days."
Heard this before? You probably have. A lot of 'oldschool' scenesters often complain about the current situation of the scene. After some thought on the subject, I've come up with some ideas.. Let's go into detail, shall we?
For starters, the scene is not 'shit'. The (ascii, anyways) scene is currently very active, as it always has been. There are many competitative groups, a ton of artists, and new talent starting to draw ascii each & every month. The scene is not dying either, nor has it started to die. People come & go, but that's about it. The love for the medium is still strong, and will remain strong for awhile. Here are my thoughts on why people say such stupid things like that: Remember when you first joined the scene? Like all things, it was new & exciting. After time, that excitement fades (again, much like other things). It is only normal to expect your attitude to change with the loss of this newfound joy.
When most people entered the art scene, they were between the ages of 15 & 18. Some of these people have been in the scene for up to 5 years. People mature over time, they don't get as 'excited' by immature bullshit as they used to, and thus, think the scene itself is to blame. ..and, once again..
After a long period of drawing, you get bored of drawing, the vanity fades, the self esteem dries up, and you do it for 'the group'. Don't get me wrong, drawing for 'the group' is the best thing you can do. ..but you also have to have self respect. You have to love your own art, or you won't see the flaws, and you won't improve.
Leave me feedback, I'm curious as to what anyone else thinks.. blk_jack@hotmail.com (heh)
Eye Rant
ok, in light of there not being many people who contributed to this, here i am writing another article/story. /me doesn't like doing extra cause some people cant seem to find the time in their busy quake and irc shedules to write one measly article or hell even draw a menu or something. (excluding prothesis who drew a kick ass header you see now --^) but honestly, i find writing stuff like this really easy, just talk about whatever you want and whatever is bothering you about the scene or pretty much anything (see the story i wrote with aeternam), i personally like to ramble on about stupid shit that no one really cares about, but atleast i'm writing something.
now something i want to discuss with you is hmm i'm confused.. hold up a sec... is it prelude studio's or prelude army corp? anyways.. those prelude guys. they are all talking shit like FAITH + LOYALY + DEVOTION = PRELUDE!ASCII ok, now.. if your in prelude i can see why you want to support your group and everything, but having the above faith + loya... shit is just wrong. lets speak on the topic of group loyaly. i'll go through the places were prelude got it's current members.
Cleaner - mimic ok i'm sure they have all this faith, but where
Deviant - mimic does the loyalty come from? like look at that.
Mcee'kaes - mimic how can you trust your members to be loyal when
Dorm - hazmat you so easily lead them astray from their groups.
Emok - remorse personally, i'd be scared that they would jump
Polygon - mimic ship when something new comes along and just jump
Psylock - mimic on the bandwagon. just my opinion but i think it's
Zerostar - remorse a pretty good point.
sudiphed - mimic
another thing that pisses me off is deviant. i asked him about the confus- ing studio/army corp thing on irc and he started talking shit about me being a ripper. ok i know i ripped, i released a fucking pack of the stuff i ripped, it has no bearing as to what i do today, and how i got there. he could make a big deal about it, but honestly i don't care. it's done and over with. i didn't hide anything, like anyone else usually would. i didn't quit the scene because i made a mistake early on when i started drawing. why? because it's only irc and ascii art. it has no real life affect on me, in fact i would recommend that newbies rip art. get yourself into a good group by ripping, and then learn how to develop your skills more by learning from others, you don't get anywhere in the scene without making mistakes. prelude comes to mind when i hear mistake for some reason... hmm.. odd! take discofunk for example, i'm sure you all think that he is the biggest asshole in the scene and causing shit and all sorts of mean, nasty things. but look at what he's done in the scene. he's been in numerous prestegious (i know it's spelt wrong) groups and contributed a lot to the scene. and he has made mistakes, we all know it. but it benefitted him by now having every scenester know who he is and what he did. i may be known as the coming out of the closet ripper, but at least i'm known to people, and they know i havn't done that since i joined any groups. but oh well.. if calling me a ripper blows your hair back deviant, then go ahead, because as zero- hour would put it "HEHEHEH WHY DNOT YU GOE PISS ON YER MOMUHZPASTE CLITNUGGSAQ FUXBUDGET" and "BITCHPUNX, IF J00 ASSLICKED MY NUGGEX FROM THAT NIGGEROX CLITJUICER, J00 N33D TO TRADEGIFSPONYXS MY MOMUHZ KEYWORD BITCHSLAPHOEATER".
moving on.
i know i said a lot of not nice things about prelude and all that shit, but i'm glad i did, this whole "we own mimic" attitude is getting old and really sad after seeing prelude #3, i honestly didn't see any signs of owning anything really.. one thing that keeps coming back is the number of members prelude has, and all the talent. yet the pack was relatively small, look at hazmat #5 46k and we didn't have like half the amount of members that pld has, yet the prelude pack was 47k. ouch. scary. you have members but they don't draw enough or what? great devotion there.
anyways, i'm out. be sure to check mimeograph #4 out when it comes.
Haji's corner
Hello! My name is Pat Hajduch - you may know me better under my electronic and artistic, pseudonym. Regardless, I've taken it upon myself to write a little somethin'-somethin' for this, the most recent issue of the Mimeograph e-zine.
Introductions aside, welcome to:
HAJI'S CORNER OF FUN AND BENEVOLENT SPANKING
In the inaugural edition of Haji's Corner, I'll be exploring a wide variety of abstract and obtuse concepts you've never heard of, such as "communication" and "mammal".
Enjoy.
Pt. 1. Girls, Stress and Children's Literature.
I've got girl problems, people. Mad girl problems. I shall give a brief, consise summary:
GIRL #1. CLAIRE. Claire is the ex-girlfriend of the last 13 months of my life. She and I shared a lot of great experiences, but it's over... or is it? After a brief moment of regression, she wanted a new lease on a releationship, which I did not. This situation is not resolving itself tidily, and I feel rather trapped.
GIRL #2. KRISAN. Krisan is the token art weirdo at school, a girl my friend Brett explained as "a nervous breakdown waiting to happen." After we wound up in the same group for Creative Writing, I found myself driving her to a few meetings with the other group members. On one such drive, Krisan referred to me as a "really cool guy" who she'd "like to hang out with sometime." Since then, she's been calling, hanging out at my locker, etc. etc. I don't want to hang out with her.
GIRL #3. MEGHAN. Current crush and former badminton partner in gym class, Meghan is cute, personable, intelligent and big-breasted. The problem here lies in that she USED to like me, but gave up when she realized I was unattainable (HEY!@ I HAD A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND!!!@). Hence, she doesn't neccesarily feel it worthwhile to give me any time to argue my case, seeing as I apparently already lost my chance.
GIRL #4. MARGARET. Sort of a second tier girl problem, Margie was a former crush who liked me too, but lost her Haji to former girlfriend Claire (see #1). We pretty much lead separate lives. However, these worlds collided recently at school when I found myself kissing her. Hmm. None of these situations are resolved. Not a one. This has led to lots of lost sleep and a near-panic attack in school on Friday, March 12th. However, these problems have led to a variety of interesting lifestyle "perks" as of late:
1) Blowjob from Claire.
2) Kiss from Margie.
3) This one takes the cake: the most off-the-wall excuse EVER used to get out of a date.
Verbatim:
Krisan: Hello?
Haji: Hey, it's Pat.
Krisan: Oh, hi!!
Haji: Hey. Anyhow, I won't be able to go out tonight.
Krisan: Why's that?
Haji: Well, it's like this...(dramatic pause)...I'm illustrating a children's book.
I know what you're thinking: oh my god. What the fuck sort of excuse is that? I'll tell you: it's an accurate one. I have recently been hired to illustrate a children's book about bunnies. Granted, this has absolutely nothing to do with hanging out with a girl on a Friday night, but what the hell? It worked, didn't it? (Yes, it did). That's about all I want to say on that topic.
Pt. 2. The Haji Corner Public Relations Division.
The mall is a den of hilarity. On any given weekend day, you'll find hundreds upon hundreds of irate, annyoying assholes shoulder to shoulder, presumably on their way to buy picture frames, lava lamps and Baskin-Robbins ice cream. I love it. The mall demographic can be roughly broken into four (4) areas:
1) "Family" types - the nuclear family goes to the mall for all its shopping needs. Mom and dad, with 10 yr. old kid and whiny, obnoxious toddler are all tailor-made for harassment. Examples:
a. (works in all situations) "Nice kid, asshole!"
b. (to child with broken arm/leg/etc.) "How about the other arm/leg/ etc., next?"
c. Kidnapping.
2) "Mall Trash" - wow. This is sheer, unadulterated entertainment value at its cheapest, yet most distilled. Expect the recently pubescent, Hilfiger-toting mongoloids to be deeply offended at words they don't even know the meaning of. They're generally the easiest to fuck with:
a. Elbow them.
b. Trip them.
c. Glare menacingly. When they look, drag forefinger across neck in "cutthroat" gesture. Other threatening gestures may be substituted, at the discretion of the bully in question.
d. Kidnapping.
3) "Style Kids" - an older group than Type 2, the style kids are all about Aeropostale, Contempo Casuals, and the salad bar. They're all girls, and they're all attractive - and they're all touchy as hell. Want to see something funny? Find a group of them, and nonchalantly tell the one who's talking to shut up.
Other fun tricks:
a. Stand outside of any of the aforementioned Style Kid stores. When patrons enter and exit, wish them "hello" and "goodbye". Be seductive. If you're as slick as me, you can collect sneers and condescending glares like fucking postage stamps with Fat Elvis on them. Smiles for miles.
b. The "Token Fat Girl" game: every group of girls has the token "fat girl". Get your friends together, and make sure a pen is handy. The object is simple: spot the most token "fat girls" hanging out with thin, stylish, far aesthetically superior friends. Individuals keep score by way of tickmarks on hands. But beware - your competitors are also your judges. Don't try to fudge, because the truly discerning competitor can tell a true token fat girl from a run-of-the-mill obese American. Play nice.
c. Kidnapping.
4) "Mexican" types - blending quite well with Type 2, Mexicans love commerce. Be sure to point and stare, but please; don't let them get too close.
Fun:
a. Yell "MEXICAN!!!" and run out the building, as though it were a fire.
b. Do what I did: make unveiled, threatening gestures to several Latino youths who clearly resemble gang members. Be chased out of the mall. Get too scared to come back for several months.
c. Kidnapping.
Well, have fun. And remember: don't spend anything.
Pt. 3. Goodbye.
Sorry this edition of my Corner wasn't longer - but hey, maybe I'm not. In fact, I'm not sorry at all. I might give a damn, provided your well-being, feelings, etc etc actually mattered to me, which they don't. Anyhow, if you actually read through all of this, I can only hope you had as much fun reading it as I did, typing it one day before deadline, still having to do my homework and film a fucking movie (I play clones; there's three of me!) AND await Meghan's call while dreading the thought of Krisan's.
And, if there were any doubt, I do love you. Every one of you beautiful human beings on this glorious, off-green planet. Otherwise, I'd never share my personal problems like they were everybody's business. Everyone who reads this is special, because I love them. Humanity is special, and I love all of THEM!
Except for Jesus. Jesus is a cunt.
Pat Hajduch (Haji)
haji@mimic.ca
All Rights Forsaken in the Name of Evil
