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Weakly Weird News 01
//WWN.1
--0-- ::WEAKLY WEIRD NEWS:: ::ISSUE 1::
AN INTERNET TABLOID.
--0.1-- ::COPYRIGHT INFO:: The following material may
be freely copied, transmitted, printed, broken into
pieces, mixed with other pieces, used for commercial
purposes and plagiarized.
--1-- ::GOVERNMENT ADMITS IT WAS RUN BY A UFO
ALIEN::
Recently released intelligence documents reveal the
following.
In the 1930s code name "New-man" appeared. He claimed
to be from Hungary. Subsequent investigations revealed
that he had never be near the place.
It was noted that he drove his car as though it were a
flying saucer. He could do sums in his head faster
than any existing machine.
He is credited with inventing the computer we use
today. Then he invented another computer that we are
only beginning to figure out. Some scientists say that
"sillier automata" are the key to modeling the
universe. Some even say it explains the game of life.
He ran the government bureaucracy. Thirty years after
his death the Star Wars program was initiated at his
instigation. It was felt that it would be nice if we
could fulfill his very last request and nuke the
Russians.
Was he a good alien or a bad one ? Agent X of an
agency too secret to be identified is quoted as saying
(off the record):"It might have been safer to drop him
on Hiroshima along with the bomb he helped build."
Why have we heard never about this man before ? What
deep dark secrets is our government hiding ? What was
his real name ? Why don't we teach about him in our
public schools ?
--2-- ::PAID ADVERTISEMENT::
TRADITIONAL FOLK REMEDY LETS YOU EAT ALL YOU WANT WHILE
LOSING 4 POUNDS A WEEK.
The answer was known to our grandparents, but we have
forgotten the wisdom of the ages.
Tapeworms make wonderful companions.
You begin to think of as pets who you want to feed
well. Umm would they like that chocolate cake, how
about two cakes ? Maybe a cherry pie. Sound good?
About three hamburgers and a pizza, a double order of
double fries. Let's wash it down with a couple
milkshakes. Gee whiz you're still hungry. Forget the
appetizers, let's get down to the main course. Isn't
this the life style you've always dreamed of ?
Learn about our franchising opportunities. You breed
worms at home and sell them to your neighbors. Get
our MANUAL OF HUMAN PARASITES (tm), the great how-to
book that changes your life in ways you can't believe.
Keep falling asleep at work ? Scabies and lice will
keep you awake and jumping. You'll get a promotion and
you will be real exciting in bed. Your lovers won't
believe that it is you.
And all without the use of harmful drugs.
Did you know that Steven Jobs started a multi billion
dollar computer company with the money he made from a
flea circus. You could too, if you had as many fleas
as he had.
The opportunities are endless. Send us your life
savings and we will generously give you a lot of bugs.
--3-- ::THE DRAGON LADY SPEAKS::
Okay girls its time for some frank, lets get real
stuff. We need "WOMEN'S LIB", not this namby pamby
"feminism" which tells us we're good, pure and sweet
and turns us into victims.
A lot of big bosses are bullies. They've been
practicing since kindergarten. They find the things
that make us quiver up and one of them is sexual
harassment. A lot of "feminists" give into
this blatant power play by acting as prudish and
shocked as a sweet Victorian poet. They faint and have
heart attacks and can't sleep for weeks at the
statement that pubic hairs somehow always find their
way into coke cans.
The proper reaction is to crack up thinking about the
only way that Clarence could have got his short hairs
stuck on a quick pull tab. If you think about it, this
means that either a particular part of him is very
small or very shredded.
Getting upset by perverts only excites them. They
crave attention. Remember how they used to loudly
fart back in fifth grade ? To take them to court is
what they dream of. This way they show the world that
they really did have a sex life, they actually got the
attention of a real live girl. Ordinarily they
have to pay a two bucks a minute to talk to one on the
phone.
Still jerks are jerks and sometimes you have got to
shut them up. Remember men are much more vulnerable
than women when it comes to humiliation. They go limp
at the slightest criticism and then they go into the
woods, beat on drums, dance naked with each
other and drink a lot. God knows what happens after
that. They call this "male bondage" and write books
about iron johns and other porta-potties.
You must be gentle. You can not provide the same level
of crudity as men do. Still, the following sweet
rebukes usually do the trick. Remember speak in a
calm tone. Let the male know that you are making a
friendly observation. You are saying these things
because you care for him and would like to
make him happy. This makes him feel less threatened.
"If I were you, I'd get a castration. It did wonders
for my dog."
"Couldn't get it up again last night ?"
"You really want something hard, big and hot up your
bottom, don't you. I can always tell by the way you
wiggle it."
"Oh go back to the toilet and finish masturbating. You
know it's the most important thing in your life. Don't
let that big meeting stop you."
"Oh I don't mind your big mouth at all. I understand
its compensation for a small something else. Go ahead
and be an insecure jerk. It's not your fault that you
were born inadequate and still have a thing about your
mom."
"You should be happy that your wife found someone to
satisfy her. Women need that, you know."
Get the drift girls ? How bout you boys ? If another
guy is being a jerk, then you can be a jerk. It hurts
their ego even more when it comes from another male.
And this kind of action will make you real popular with
the girls.
Sometimes a few words are not enough. You have to have
a "hen party". Everyone pecks a little and before you
know it there's just a little pile of fluff and a
lingering odor that will live in your memory forever.
At one company, the hot shot vice president asked every
female for a date. Nobody agreed and suddenly work was
a lot more of a hassle. Something had to be done.
Here and there a mildly curious female worker asked a
male "do you think he is gay." The male shook his
head. After all the vice president was giving a real
big score. He had even penciled it up in the mens
bathroom. He would bring in girlie magazines
and all the guys would stand around and get erections.
Then they would unzip their pants to see whose was
biggest. If that wasn't normal, redblooded American
heterosexual behavior, then nothing was.
But then the sly, little shy thing would continue.
"But when he took Jenny out he insisted that they go
see some male bikini dancers, you know one of those
places where they don't let men in without a female
escort. She thought he was doing it to get her
aroused, but he seemed to enjoy the show more than she
did. And he wanted to stay and see the next show.
Barbara said when she went out with him, he spent all
his time talking with a hairy, smelly biker they met
in the bar. Then he dropped her off home
and went some place real quick. Sherry says he can't
get it up unless she wears a strap on and a fake
moustache. And have you seen the way he
stares at your rear. I think he really likes you."
While male lust for females is accepted within
corporate culture, male sexual interest in other males
provokes immediate response.
The vice president was soon unemployed. His wife
divorced him and got all the property because the judge
thought it criminal the way he had exposed her to the
risk of AIDs. You can see him in a brown stained coat,
mumbling to himself. Every once in a while he starts
shouting "I am not gay ! I am not gay !" Passersby
mutter "Sure buddy" and hurry on.
Since his departure, corporate productivity has shown
immense improvement.
Sexual harassment is an equal opportunity pursuit.
Women should practice it more often. It would do men
good.
--4-- ::YOU MAY BE TOO SMART::
Researchers have come up with a startling conclusion
which most people have suspected for years. American
organizations want their employees dumb.
According to brilliant scientists at a major university
"Brains, creativity and the ability to figure out the
bookkeeping pose a threat to our national leadership.
These are insecure people who desperately want to be
secure."
The solution "Start your own business or go work for a
Japanese company. If you can't do either of these,
then watch a lot of television. Or else get a Phd."
--5-- ::MONSTERS FOUND IN PEOPLES BRAINS::
According Carl Jung, a dead Swiss psychic, our heads
contain the seeds of dragons, gargoyles, drolls and
other monsters stored in nerve tissue known as
"archetypes". These little reptile eggs are passed
down from generation to generation without anybody
knowing it, but sometimes they emerge and make crop
circles or kidnap people and perform genetic
experiments on them.
--6-- ::LUSH LIMPBOWEL SAYS::
Lighten up America ! I'm just a chubby, not too bright
guy who wanted to be a major entertainer and guess
what? I am !
I'm happy about everything. I don't want to shoot
anybody. I even love those I disagree with because
some of them are always saying or doing really dumb,
asinine things that I can use on my show. Furthermore
I even have a vague idea of what is written in the
Constitution.
But you should see some of my audiences. Spittle and
spite don't begin to describe it. Some of these people
are Germans waiting for a Hitler. Be thankful I'm not
a George Wallace or a Spiro Agnew and all I want out of
ranting is better ratings.
Lighten up America ! Cause if you think I'm bad, you
need a reality check.
--7-- ::HELP WANTED::
::WRITERS:: Individuals capable of maintaining our
level of journalism are wanted. Hacks and liars only.
Artists need not apply. Send submissions (under 1,000
words) to:
dbennett @ crl.com.
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--7.6-- We are an equal opportunity employer.
