Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Weakly Weird News 02
// WWN.2
--0-- ::WEAKLY WIERD NEWS:: ::Issue 2::
Dedicated to bringing supermarket quality info to the
Internet.
--0.1-- ::COPYRIGHT INFO:: The following material may
be freely transmitted, stored, printed, broken into
pieces, mixed with other pieces, used for commercial
purposes, plagarized and improved.
--0.2-- ::CONTACT INFO:: Send articles and positive
comments to dbennett@crl.com (Internet). Keep negative
comments to yourself.
--1-- ::CIVILIZATION STARTED BY HAWKS::
New research by the world's greatest anthropologists
and psychics has arrived at a startling conclusion.
The finest of what we call "culture" was inspired by
birds of prey.
Many millenium ago when humans started to practice the
art of falconry, they had the chance to observe and
learn from a variety of noble species. Horus the
falcon God was the earlist known religious force in
agent Egypt. In the middle ages, the rank of an
individual was marked by the kind of bird they were
allowed to fly. American Indians regarded hawks,
falcons and eagles as mediators with the spirit. They
would pray to the birds believing that when the bird
reached the highest point in its flight it would cast
that prayer to the heavens.
"Basically these birds exhibited the kinds of behaviors
that humans learned to aspire to," said an undisputed
world authority. "It is a sign of our decadence and
the collapse of culture that we no longer live among
them. The average American does not even know the
difference between a buzzard and a vulture."
--2-- ::LUSH LIMPBOWEL SAYS::
Here I am folks, the Internet's favorite commentator.
Notice they have moved me from the back of this tabloid
to almost at the front. That's how popular I am.
Let's hear it for me. (Big applause). And remember to
write your local bulletin board and have them put me on
(bigger applause).
Before I get started on whatever I am going to say, I
want to read some letters that I got from good decent
law abiding people like yourself. These are on
America's most popular issue. That's right, folks: the
Bobbitts (big applause).
Before I read these letters, I just want to say
something about the femi-fascists and the way they want
to screw up the American mind. They keep talking about
"temporary insanity". Well I just want to tell you
that when (sung to the tune of Lizzie Borden)
Lorena Bobbitt took a knife
And gave "Iron John" a change of life <<*>>
And when the job was nicely done
She drove around and had some fun
THE LADY WAS NOT TEMPORARILY INSANE. She was insane
when she married the guy. And it was not temporary.
It went on for years. This just shows you how those
liberals twist up reality. (big applause)
Anyway, let me read the letters.
DEAR LUSH:
I am tired and offended of all the jokes about this
Bobbitt thing. It is not funny. It is a sympton of
what is wrong in this nation. No wonder we have the
crime rate we do when cops are crawling around a
parking lot looking for some cock. These people
should not be in the military and they should not be on
our police forces.
signed: LAW AND ORDER IN COLORADO
DEAR MR LIMPBOWEL:
You are the wisest man in America and I think that you
are a gift from God to save our nation. I feel that
this Bobbitt affair shows how far we have strayed from
our traditional family values.
Mrs. Bobbitt was a loving, doting wife. Her husband
used to sit around and say how famous he would be and
how all the women would be jealous of her cause she got
to clean his dirty underwear. Well she made him famous
and boy did she clean his stinking jock strap ! She
also let him live up to his family name. It was "bob
it" and she did. But the lousy ingrate never even
thanked her. It's cads like him who make all the
trouble and cause our high divorce rate.
signed: AN OLD FASHIONED HOUSEWIFE.
DEAR LUSH::
What that lady did was immoral and irresponsible. She
should never have thrown that thing into a parking lot.
She should have microwaved it along with the testicles.
Because of what she and the second surgeon in the case
did, that man may someday succeed in making somebody
pregnant. And boy that kid is going to cost the
government plenty !
signed: DISGRUNTLED TAXPAYER
Now folks, I just want to say something (big applause).
A lot of people criticize our western system of
justice. But this system gave her a chance. An
Islamic or Confucian court would not have done this.
So it's time we talked about responsibility.
Imagine a different situation. A wife, a husband and a
strap on. The husband is upset because of his
sagging, bleeding anus and bites off his wife's
clitoris. We would not let him get away with it !
The man would be impeached and sent to prison. (real
big applause)
To me, equal opportunity means equal responsibility.
We live in a country where most of our men (especially
the so called elites) sit around and say "I learned it
this way in college" or "Nobody told me." or "Thats
just the way it is done." Then they want a raise !
The opportunity is out there. Anybody with gumption,
integrity and brains is needed. And if that person is
a woman then to me she is "real man". But to get there
she has to start doing what supposedly real men are not
doing. She has to take responsibility.
So lighten up women ! Its time to stop bitching and
complaining and take over the system. Boy does it need
it !
(HUGE APPLAUSE)
::*:: Editors Note: Some jump ropers sing the second
line as "And made Iron John into a wife."
--3-- ::BILL GATES PROVEN TO BE A UFO::
An top secret informer so secret that we don't even
know if she/he/it exists has presented this magazine
with some top secret information.
America's richest computer maggot is actually from
outer space. His mission is to retard the development
of earthling technology so that we do not threaten his
alien species.
According to our expert, any dumb cluck could figure
this out. His race is very long lived and does not
even pass puberty until they reach fifty earth years.
"If you look closely at the guy, you will realize that
he is not from the same planet as the rest of us."
According to our possibly nonexistent source, it has
long been known that Mr. Gates has worked long and hard
to sabatoge the development of the personal computer.
However this was usually attributed to his relationship
with IBM. "People thought he was doing it so that the
new machines would not threaten the mainframe business.
However after a while, even IBM could not put up with
his incredibly bad software. This is why they parted
company."
In fact Bill Gates was trying to destroy the PC
movement even before he met up with Big Blue. "In the
seventies, there were two choices of 'computer
language'. One was the TRAC (text reckoning and
connecting) language which was easy enough for a
secretary to use. It automatically supported the
structures necessary for such things as
multidimensional spreadsheets, which could deal with
names and text as well as 'cells' and numbers. It was
the inspiration of the term 'hypertext'.
"The other possible language was BASIC a 'Fortran
derivative' which was of interest only to those who
wanted to use the computer to do pseduo algebra, the
kind of stuff that boring junior high school teachers
get off on.
"Bill Gates convinced the early PC builders (who were
ignorant of software) that Basic was a 'real computer
language' because it resembled stuff developed in the
fifties rather than the sixties and because it was
impossible for intelligent people to use. In fact
researchers have discovered that, like television,
prolonged exposure to this 'language' causes the
neurons in the brain to cease functioning. Bill Gates
has continued this process of dumbing down America ever
since.
"The result has been hundreds of billions perhaps
trillions in unneccesary expenses, absolutely no growth
in American white collar productivity and a personal
computer which in many ways is more limited and more
difficult to use than machines built nearly thirty
years ago.
"It's a little technical, but if Bill Gates had not
acted, then ordinary writers would be doing 'artificial
intelligence' and 'multidimensional links' with a set
of extended punctuation not much more difficult to
understand than ordinary punctuation. Professional
programmers would be less necessary. We would be less
dependent on 'gooeys' (graphical user interfaces) to
help people do things that were needlessly made
complicated.
"Of course Bill Gates had co-conspirators in this. A
lot of people hypothesize that they had alien brain
controllers stuffed up their noses. The result was
computer development very similar to that which drives
the stock market and which made the Savings And Loans
bankrupt."
Our top secret government source went on to say. "If I
was a taxpayer, I would write the president and tell
him to put Gates and all his buddies into prison and
take every penny they made and use it to try and
rectify the mistakes and catch up with where we should
have been ten years ago. These people are traitors,
make no mistake about it."
--4-- ::PAID ADVERTISEMENTS::
--4.1-- ::I WILL THROW THE TARO FOR YOU !::
By reading the splatters of this magical island food, I
can determine what you will have for lunch a year for
now, what your first grade teacher really thought of
you and whether you actually exist. Past, future,
present, alternative universes .. NOTHING IS BEYOND MY
IMAGINATION.
For a limited time: Special good luck spell for dialing
this number. Guaranteed to win the lottery or second
good luck spell cast for free.
1-900-BE-A-DOLT
--4.2-- ::LEARN NUCLEAR PHYSICS AT HOME::
Tired of pumping gas ?
Why bother to go to a boring class when you can study
at home while watching TV and drinking beer. In just a
few months, you can design the Star Wars project or
make big bucks working in Iraq.
We send you all the equipment you need including rubber
bands and atomic waste. Be the envy of your friends
and neighbors. Lighten up every party by glowing in
the dark. Give your enemies cancer. Or give it to
yourself and live comfortably on government disability
payments.
Try some of our other easy courses!
NOBEL PRIZE WINNING ECONOMIST
VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
CEO OF IBM
UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR
CAPTAIN OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE
RODENT IN A MEDICAL EXPERIMENT
Just check the courses you want to take and we will
help you apply for a government loan.
--4.3-- ::YOUR NAME HERE::
Yes, we are now accepting advertising from NOBODIES
LIKE YOU. Just email us your credit card number and we
will give you world wide coverage. Rates are extremely
reasonable (they never exceed your credit limit).
Remember this fantastic opportunity is available for
only a limited period (the Internet cops could show up
any day now).
--5-- ::BARNEY UNCOVERED AS DANGEROUS SUBVERSIVE::
A recent report by the UnAmerican committee has
discovered that Barney the dinosaur is a dastardly plot
by the socialists in Public Television to destroy the
minds of American Youth and foment nervous breakdowns
among responsible citizens.
"It all started in the sixties" said the ghost of
Jedgar Hoover (speaking through our special psychic
hotline). "Back then the kids of America discovered
that they could drive their parents crazy by playing
rock and roll. But it took its toll on the minds of
youth as well. Most of these 'sixties people' were
closed minded and senile by the time they got to their
thirties.
"Basically the brain damage was so bad that we were
able to make their children totally sterile comformists
at a much younger age than was possible for their
parents."
According to this indisputable authority, the movement
continued with punk rock, rap and numerous other
fiendish variations. But now the overall strategy of
this evil, godless conspiracy has changed.
"It used to be sort of top down. The older kids would
play the junk and the younger crowd would take it up.
But now the preschool crowd is starting revolution on
their own. Its been proven that 15 minutes of this
Barney stuff can turn a middle aged 'dult' into a
dribbling idiot who will give into any and every demand
that the kid makes. Now the preteens are taking it up
and there are rumors of sexually mature people forming
Barney cults. This is only the beginning. If we don't
do something those Abbie Hoffman <<*>> prophecies that
the '90s are the '60s turned upside down may come true.
The establishment may not be able to coopt this
movement."
Our source went on to say that any peanut brain can
immediately see the danger. "Barney does not sing the
RIGHT WORDS. He and his friends invent them. This is
like back in the bad old days when American musicians
sang what they wanted. Do you know there are hundreds
of known stanzas to 'Yankee Doodle' and hundreds more
that nobody ever bothered to write down? This was a
revolutionary song. We have worked long and hard to
stamp this kind of thing out. Every song should have
the 'right words' and these words should be
copyrighted. Middle aged parents know this. But their
kids are too young to understand."
Barney also has a very bad attitude. "Look at this 'I
love you, you love me'. If this kind of thing spread
people might be out playing with each other instead of
watching television behind locked doors and burglar
alarms. This could destroy the economy and our
American way of life. Something has to be done or next
thing you know, second graders will be running away
from home and joining hippie communes."
Fortunatly there are patriots. "The Internet has a
group 'alt.barney.die.die.die' which is battling to
save this country. Some of these people have dared to
go out (undercover) with Barney and Baby Bop and
believe me, these walking, talking stuffed animals are
not what they pretend to be.
"Unfortunately, the Barney cultists are trying to
subvert this bastion of TRUE AMERICANISM. Many commie
system administrators won't put this news group on
their machine. If you are on the Internet, send (and
keep sending) mail to your administrator demanding that
they not only put these unsung American heroes on, but
that nobody be allowed to do anything else until they
have read every message ever posted to the group and
answered (with no mistakes) a 1,000 question quiz.
Also we need to pull the accounts of all Barney
supporters. This is the only way to save the country.
"And remember that when you drive or walk, never, never
make a left turn. It's too dangerous. Just turn right
three times. It works just as well. And you feel
proud doing it."
::*:: Mr. Hoffman, along with numerous other historical
figures, can also be contacted through our PSYCHIC
HOTLINE.
--6-- ::HELP WANTED. News Girls::
Network News Groups don't keep info long and a lot of
people don't read them. Plus because we are the only
force on the Internet that dares expose the grey alien,
boring commie conspiracy which is ruining this country,
a lot of people secretly plot to remove us. We need
your help.
Mail our tabloid to your friends (have them mail it to
their friends), send copies to bulletin boards. Print
up copies and leave them in doctors offices and other
places with reading material lying around. Take our
work and mix it with your own. Use your imagination.
Remember information propagation on the nets is a
matter of individual actions. If these actions are
not taken, then we will not be able to challenge the
powerful combines which control the conventional media.
We would like to use boys, but we are afraid this work
may be too complicated and technical and strenuous for
you. But go ahead and try if you like. It's said that
some males do eventually figure out how to use
computers. With a couple years of practice, you may
even learn to log on. Some people think this might be
a hormone thing, so you might consider asking your
doctor for an estrogen prescription.
