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Vomit 09
[[[[[ Abraxas ]] [[[]]]] [[[[[ ]]]]] [[[[[]]]]] [[[[[]]]]]
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(This one is for those who dared to dream and wonder "Where did Vomit come
from, and can I send it back?)
Number nine. (Ahhh!!! Chaos!!!) Number nine. (Ahhh!!! Screams!) Number
nine. (Ahhhh!!!) I'm gonna use this issue of Vomit as a review of sorts. I
don't think that I'm gonna use this issue to write down some of my stand-up
material. This will be an unorthodox Vomit. Look! Those two lines are almost
the same! They are bound by the same cosmic forces that possess underwear
manufacturers to make most underwear the most stainable color in the universe:
White. Why? Why did they decide on white for the standard? I tell you one
thing, when I get big, and Vomit Co. acquires Fruit of the Loom, there's gonna
be some changes in the underwear industry. First of all. Standard issue
underwear will not be white. It will be two colors. The back will be a
brownish color, and the front will be yellow. This makes more sense. That way,
your mother will not easily find your nocturnal emission stains. If you have a
neurotic Jewish mother, however, the change in underwear color will not thwart
her intentions to ruin your life. She will send each pair of your skivies to
the FBI forensic labs. Then she will learn that you are capable of ejaculation
and have your penis removed."Oy vey! I should have blinded the Rabbi before he
circumsized you!" Well, despite what I said earlier, this issue is not turning
out to be a review. It's more of my god damned babble. Get back on track, man.
OK, I'm gonna tell you how things are going at Vomit. Anyway, I keep writing
these damned issues in hopes that Biafra, the official Vomit distributor, will
eventually get off his lazy ass and start giving these to people. At this
writing about three people have read Vomit through Biafra's distribution.
Since Biafra is too lazy to mail these things to people, I began giving them
to people at school. Vomit #8 is everybody's darling. Everyone loves that one.
They read it, and look at Mike as they read it, and just laugh and laugh. I
even give out Vomit #8 to people in classes that I have with Mike. Everyone
laughs there asses off saying "What a dork! Ahaha!" while he sits there going
"Who are you talking about?! Is that my autobiography?" Then he looks over
people's shoulders trying to read how I slandered his little self-profile, and
then people smack him in the stomach and he goes and sits in the corner
rolling up characters for D&D. Wait. Scratch that last remark. I made a
mistake. I meant to say "ADVANCED D&D" not just simply "D&D". Anyway, the kids
at school like Vomit, which makes me feel very cool. It shows that Vomit has
enormous potential to gain an occult following if that lazy Biafra kid would
distribute it to net people. I mainly write this 'zine for computer dorks like
myself and Biafra, but it still has appeal among jocks, sluts, nerds, weirdos,
spazzes, and everyone else that doesn't fall into these broad categories. I'm
gonna make a FAQ now.
Q: Why do you write Vomit if Biafra never gives it to anyone? Isn't it just a
big waste of time if just you and the losers at your school read it?
A: I write Vomit because I hope that someday Biafra will come to the
relevation that a distributor's job is to distribute. I think that once
Biafra gives this 'zine to people, it will become enormously popular, just
because I'm so cool, witty, and funny.
Q: Why don't you just get rid of Biafra?
A: I don't get rid of Biafra because he won't put out anymore if I fire him.
I also have very limited net access and no IRC access, so Biafra is the
only one who can distribute it. AND ANOTHER THING! Me and Biafra founded
this magazine together. It's a brotherly bond that's tighter than nipple
clamps. Biafra also knows more about the inner-workings of 'zines than I
do.
Q: You're lying. The only reason you don't fire him is because you fear the
physical abuse that he will dish out to you if you fire him.
A: No way. I could wreck Biafra. I could wreck you. Look at my 3" biceps!
Q: Why did you start writing Vomit?
A: That's a very good question. This is how it went down. Me and Biafra have
one class together in school: Electronics. Anyway, our teacher gives us an
A no matter what, so we usually just sit around doing next to nothing.
(Personally I liked connecting little lights called LEDs to batteries and
watching them fry and pop, and burn, and smoke from the excess of
electricity that I sent into them.) Biafra just hung around blabbing about
his exciting adventures on the IRC. Anyway, one day Biafra brought in this
'zine called "y0lk" because he said that the writer, Creed, reminded him a
lot of myself. I wasn't too impressed with the issue that he brought in.
Anyway, Biafra began bringing in stacks of printer paper filled up with
y0lk issues. I did like some, and I did note a striking similiarity in the
way that the writers of y0lk always bitch about how much life sucks, and the
way that I bitch. (You may not notice the similarity because I don't use my
'zine to bitch about my stupid family, but take my word for it, when I
bitch about my stupid parents and siblings, it sounds a lot like y0lk.)
Anyway I said "Hey hey hey! I'm funny! I hate life! I'm nocturnal like
other 'zine writers! Why don't we make a 'zine Biafra?" Biafra then mumbled
something that I assumed was an "ok". Well, nothing really happened, so I
said "I know, I'll write for y0lk!" So I wrote Vomit #2 for y0lk. Then
noting happened, and I didn't really feel like giving up my literary
masterpiece to another 'zine, so I decided to make my own 'zine. Of course
Biafra was in on it. So we tossed around some names. Came up with "Vomit".
Then Biafra, just to prove his dedication, changed his answering machine
message to a recording of a guy vomiting. (Biafra's Number is (XXX)YOU-ARE-
NOT-L33T-ENUFF-TO-CALL) That's how Vomit came into this sorry world.
Q: Wow. You really bored me with that response. I barely skimmed your answer.
A: Hey, you asked, dipshit! Any more questions?
Q: I'm afraid after that last load of shit you dumped on me.
A: Bite my hairy pale white ass!
Q: How come you have no E-mail address?
A: Because I'm too cheap to pay for internet access. I just enter fake credit
card numbers on AOL for shitty limited internet access. Then I go to some
schmucks in the new-member lounge and say "Hey, what's your password?"
"AOL r00lz!" "Thank you. See you online!" Then I use that schmuck's account
for a month. I'm evil. EVIL!!! So you see, if I gave you an E-mail address
it would be gone before you had time to mail me a death threat. "You ripped
off y0lk man! I'm gonna toilet-paper your trees, dump on your lawn, and
kill your pets!"
Q: AOL is for l4m3rz!
A: Sure it sucks, but you can't beat the price of $0.00 a month.
Q: Why do you think you're so funny? I never laugh when I read Vomit.
A: I know that I'm funny because people giggle whenever I walk by.
Q: How come you know so much about the world of the 3l33t?
A: I used to call lots of private bbs's filled with those oh-so-cool Elitos.
And I don't make fun of them just 'cause y0lk does. I've been making fun
of them for a long long time. Long before you even got your first ware,
l4m3r.
Q: Do you like asking yourself questions, and then replying?
A: What do you mean by that?
Q: What the hell does your handle mean?
A: Well, back in seventh grade I was in a "heavy metal" band with some friends
of mine. (I played keyboard! We rocked!) Anyway, I needed a tough Heavy
Metal name that would make people say "Wow. What a tough name. I won't mess
with that 12-year-old!" So I was looking in the dictionary. I came across
"Abracadabra". I saw that it came from the Latin word "Abraxas". I fell in
love with "Abraxas" and instantly ejaculated all over the page. (To this
day no one can unstick those pages.) Then I found out that Abraxas was the
name of some universal god. Wowie zowie! Then, my name seemed even cooler
when I found out that there was a virus called "Abraxas".
Q: Where the hell is Vomit 6?
A: I buried it in a time capsule that will be opened in the year 2079
Q: Why don't you make your issues shorter? They never hold my interest for the
whole length.
A: Hey! If you don't like it, then don't read it!
Q: OK, I won't!
A: I didn't mean that! I'm sorry! Come back!
Q: How come you never talk much about yourself, with the exception being this
issue?
A: 'Cause I barely give a damn about my life, so I know that you won't. I will
make a "Just who is the little boy called Abraxas?" FAQ if I get some
positive feedback. So far we've gotten no feedback because NO ONE HAS READ
ANY ISSUES.
Q: What can we expect to see in Vomit for the future?
A: As of this writing we have a web page set up, but it's not |<-r4d enough
for the public yet. When Biafra gets off his ass and fixes up the page
you'll all get to visit "Vomit: The Homepage". I also might get my own
e-mail address so instead of mailing Biafra and saying "Tell Abraxas that I
think he sucks" you can just mail me directly saying how much I suck. I
also think we'll get some more writers. Right now we have one: ME. Oh sure,
Biafra says he's a writer, but he's written one. WildFire was just a guest
writer, but if he really trains hard, says his prayers, and eats his
Hulkamania vitamins he might become a full-time Vomit writer. Maybe we'll
get Mike's rebuttal to Vomit #8 for a Vomit issue. I'm sure you'd all enjoy
that. I also hope to get READERS in the future.
VOMIT Index
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Vomit 1..................................................................Intro
Vomit 2....................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
Vomit 3...........................................................Masturbation
Vomit 4.............................................................The Smurfs
Vomit 5..............................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
Vomit 6...........................................................John Is Dead
Vomit 7..............................................................My Sheets
Vomit 8...........................Michael Jerome Vioreanu: A Study in Loserdom
Vomit 9............................Tighty-whities & Useless trivia about Vomit
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