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Vomit 12
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(Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while
you could miss it.)
Hey dudes. It's been awhile since we (I) released anything, so I thought I'd
tide you over with this sordid tale of teenage rebellion. This was originally
a mail addressed to my pal Slick Eddie, so that's why it's written assuming
you know what the places are. Umm. Willowbrook's a mall, just so that you
know. I also wrote the mail while coming down from my cheap high, so pardon
my wicked writing style. Oh yeah. Visit the damned Vomit web page.
(HTTP://www.gti.net/vomit) It's really rad. You're not our friend unless you
visit it. Stay tuned for more incredibly thought-provoking stuff after this
tale. It all took place on September 6th (The day after my birthday! Whoo!!!
In case you care, I turned 17. And I guess it's time I told you bums my real
name.... It's Bryan, you nosy sonuvabitch.)
It went down like this, homey. I was my 'puter last night around ten when
Nekkid Johnny called. So the first thing I says is "Say you're sorry!" (I was
referring to him not showing up at my party, even though he said he would
go.) So he apologizes, and then he says "We're cutting tomorrow." And you
know how us humans are. My left brain immediately said "Nuh-uh! No way! No
how!". But I was intrigued, so I moved to the phone in my room. Well, he
wanted me to wait by Boonton field. "No can do, Johnny," I replied. So I
asked him if he knew about Meadtown, since me and Russ man always stop there
for bagels. He didn't know (of course). So I gave him directions. I had him
repeat them over and over again. I had them write them down in triplicate. I
gave him alternate routes. I did this all as a precaution for his horrible
sense of direction. Well, we ironed out the kinks (as best we could), and the
plan was for him to meet me by the blockbuster in Meadtown around 8. So I
went to bed that night. I awoke, eagerly anticipating the coming day of
decadence. I called Russ man, and Russ said that Ginger might tell on me. God
damned bitch always has to ride with us. I thought she wasn't the
tattle-type. Anyway, Russ, being the good friend that he is, came to pick me
up early, and drove me to Meadtown, and then went back home to get his
fat-ass sister. What a pal. He told Ginger that I was sick today, and that he
brought over some Bruce Lee tapes for me to watch while I was sick. Well, I
had about an hour to kill, 'cause Nekkid couldn't leave his house until 7:30
otherwise his parents would be suspicious. So I went into the oh-so-clean
woods behind Butler Bowl. I sat on a rock, and read my Trigonometry book. (I
had put it in my book bag just in case.) Oh yeah, I had packed some bang
snaps, Gatorade, dextromethorphan, and Dramamines. And money too. Oh yeah,
and some candy. Well I was reading my trig book, and I got bored, so I
explored the little woods they got back there. Then around 7:30 I went to
Blockbuster. I was muy nervioso porque there were lots of people going in an
out of Meadtown, and any of them could've been a member of the enemies'
party. I even saw a cop car! GASP! One dude looked like Mr. Waite, so I was
a-scared. So I waited, and around 8 I got anxious. I never really thought that
Nekkid would find me. Finally he did, and I was elated. He didn't get lost at
all! Whoo! So I got in his car, and popped one Dramamine and 6
dextromethorphans. He commented on my pussyness of doing over-the-counter
drugs, and also claimed his disbelief that they actually 'cause a trip. Well,
we stopped for gas at the getty, and I had to pay 5 dollars! BOO HOO! HE
bought some cigarettes in da Getty. He commented on their low low price. We
decided to go to Willowbrook. WHOO! Of course we got lost on the way there,
and made several U turns, covering the same stretch of Highway about three
times, listening to Metallica the whole time. We didn't care. We're
rebellious kids. We dunno where we goin' and we don't care. Oh yeah, to wash
down the pills, I drank a bottle of Gatorade, and ate a solitary blueberry
bagel. Well, we get to Willowbrook, and we decide to wait in the parking lot
and smoke, as us cool teenagers do. I said I was in no mood to smoke. I felt
nauseous. He said that cigarettes help your tummy feel better. I disagreed.
Well, suddenly I vomited all over the parking lot. Green spew! Green from the
Gatorade! The most bestest color that vomit can be! GREEN! It was so
undigested that it didn't even taste bad. Well, about 30 seconds later, I
hurled again. Johnny is just saying "Feels good, don't it?". Then came a
final hurl, and that brought up the bagel. Well, I immediately felt better,
and made a mental note to have my stomach more filled next time I took some
dextromethorphan. I was pissed that now my high was ruined. Well it wasn't
completely. Some had already gotten into my system. So I was my
uncharacteristic out-going devil-may-care without-a-worry-in-the-world
talk-to-complete-stranger self. So we go into Willowbrook, and it was so
awesome how empty it was. The Food court had NOBODY in it. John took a whiz.
I was high. I don't care! BLARGH! Well, we walked around, and most of the
stores had those little gates on them. So we went to Friendly's. I had a
tough time verbalizing my order to the kindly old lady. I believe I used the
word "Whatever" to substitute words that I couldn't think of. God! GAG ME!
I'm totally Generation X-er now! Ok, so we eats our breakfast, and go to the
stores, which were now open. While eating breakfast, I talked loudly about
how he was gonna steal me a birthday present. "Shut the fuck up, stupid!" "Oh
yeah. huhuhuhuhuh. I'm high." So we eat our breakfast, and walk around the
mall. I'm singing and my head is held high. I'm on drugs! I'm happy! So we
went to this shitty music store the size of a closet and with the music
selection of a five year old girl's tape rack. I had a black bookbag on. So I
guess I looked like a Billy Badass. So the fucker working there takes a CD,
and runs it through the entrance. And a beeping went off. "See that, guys? It
works" Asshole. Prick. PRICK! Just 'cause 99% of my generation are a bunch
of fuck-up petty thieves gives you no right to demean us! YEAH! I was high,
so I didn't know what was going on.
============================================================================
*****Note: If I wasn't intoxicated, I would've responded to this chap in a
very cool manner. After he said "See that, guys? It works!" I would've pulled
out my gun and said "This works too. Up against the wall, motherfucker!"****
==========================================================================
The escalators were fun to ride while high. Well, we went to KayBee, and John
was playing Play Station for five seconds, and this guy comes up to us, and
says "You have to be 18 to be here." I was high. I wasn't paying attention. I
was just grinning stupidly.
So John had to talk. "Excuse me?" "You have to be 18 to be here on a school
day." "We're 19." "Uh-huh." Well, the fucker moved five feet away, and just
stared at us, so John quit playing Playstation, walked past and said "School
starts next week." Damn. I was high and I realized he'd fucked up.
19-year-olds don't go to public school, stupid. Unless they're hoodlums.
===========================================================================
*****Another note: If I had been my witty self after the all-powerful
stock-boy said "You have to be 18 to be here" I would've said "Why? Are there
strippers?"*****
===========================================================================
Well, we walked to the midsection of the store, and then we both decided to
get the fuck out. We had had enough of the mall and it's oh-so-mean
anti-teenage laws. It was still cool how empty it was. So we went to Fun &
Games. We were the only ones in there. This is around 10 AM. So John blows
like 3 bucks playing Marvel Comic superheros or something. He sucked. I
didn't play any games. I don't think 50 cents a game is very fair,
knowwhatImean? 'Sides, I need to save my quarters for whores. And the guys
there didn't bother us. They even gave John change. No questions about what
us youngins were doing there when we should be in school. So we go outside,
and smoke. John taught me how to inhale. Start out by inhaling just a teeny
amount of smoke, and build up. I was so proud of my self for finally being
able to inhale a cigarette. I just smoke socially. Her her her. We went to
his car, smoked some more. I looked at my puke that was still festering on
the pavement. I through some bang snaps in it, hoping my puke would be
flammable and explode when the bang snaps hit. It did not. I was so gone. The
first time I had really introduced nicotine into my system, and some
dextromethorphan. I was a regular wacky-ass. Then we drove. John just wanted
to drive. So we drove a lot. Made it almost all the way to hackettstown. Then
we drove back to Montville. We stopped at this awesome CD store. The guy
there must be stealing boxes of CD's. They're so goddamned cheap. No CD
higher than $9.99. Even brand new releases. His selection wasn't all that
good. Wasn't all that good for the average punk-wannabe poseur hip-hop teen,
that is.
Perfect for me. Tons of 80's metal and rock. YEAH! I ended up buying 5 cd's
for $26. And the guy also gave us free tapes of some local band. We listened
to that in the car. WHOOO! Then we drove some more. I didn't care. I'm high.
I don't care what we do. BLAH! John showed me his old neighborhood in
Boonton, and his old house. Then he says he has to bring me back home early
'cause he can't drive past his school to get to his house when football
practice is going on. The whole reason he cut today was because for some
reason that I didn't understand, he couldn't go to football practice today,
and the only way out is if you don't go to school. So He dropped me off in
some woods near my house. I sat around for a while. Contemplating my course
of action. If it started to rain, I was fucked, 'cause then my mommy would go
down the street in the car to pick me up from the bus stop. Well, I went to
some woods real close to my yard, and hid behind some of my dad's shit in the
yard to scope the place out. See if I could hear my mom sobbing and my dad
yelling "Just wait 'till that lil' bastard gets home!" But I didn't hear
that. Oh good. So I had about an hour to kill before I could go in. Well, my
mom is home, obviously. Suddenly my dad pulls into the driveway. This is not
a good sign. I'm figuring my mom called him saying "Bryan's not at school!
WAAAAAH!!!!". But ya know, sometimes he just comes home from work when he
feels like it. So it started drizzling. And then stopping. then starting. I'm
praying that there's not a downpour, otherwise my mom will go pick me up.
Well, I finally went through the woods to my bus stop, and hid, waiting for
my bus to come and drop off a girl who lives on my street. I spent the time
picking off burs from the woods, and hiding my drugs and cig in my undies in
case I went home and my parents looked through my bag. They would never
search the undies, man! And I ate some juicefuls to make my breath fruity.
Then the bus came, and the girl gets off. So I go up behind her and walk. She
must've been having the strangest thoughts. "Wait a minute! He wasn't at
school! He wasn't on the bus! I didn't see him get off! How the fuck did he
get there?" Well, I walked to my house and was a bit nervous. This was the
moment of truth. To see if I had gotten away with it. Well, I got to the door
and momma was there to greet me with a smile. YAY! I DID IT! WHOOO!!! So
that's how my cut went. THE END.
And that's the end of the story folks. I forgot to include this really cool
part when I originally wrote it, so I'll let you know now. At one point in
Me and Nekkid Johnny's quest, Johnny started hitting light blue garbage cans
on the side of the road with his volvo. He did this because "I don't like
that color." And if you're really one nosy sonuvabitch, I'll tell you what
five CD's I bought:
1. Aerosmith's Greatest Hits (Dream on! Dream on! DREAM ON!)
2. Use Your Illusion I & II (Well, he gets it.)
3. Ugly Kid Joe: As Ugly As They Wanna Be (I hate everything about you.)
5. Motley Crue: Dr. Feelgood (He makes me feel alright.)
There you go. As you can see I have awesome music tastes. I still dunno how
he sells them so cheap, but Use Your Illusion I's little booklet was wrinkly
and crusty. I think it was jizzed on.
Up next in this issue of crap is one rather interesting fan letter that I got
here at the Vomit offices. (That's eighties@gti.net)
Subject: Great page Guys
Dear Vomit Head Writer,
I have read your magazine and I LOVE IT! Your Web page is great
too...Make sure to update it often. Let me introduce myself. My name
is Kate and I live in Buffalo New York. I am 5'9, Brown Hair, and Blue
eyes. I am really dying to meet you. I am no beauty but I can assure
you that I am not anyway ugly. I have gone out with plenty of guys. I
am the type of girl who weights personality much greater than looks. I
am pretty slim at 120 and I consider my self pretty full at top. (36 C
to be exact) ;) I am not afraid to experiment and would really love to
meet you sometime. I don't know where you live but make sure to write
back and tell me.
Anyway, to explain myself further, I consider myself very free. I am
the type of girl who hardly ever wears Bra's and I would rather would
walk around naked than with clothes. The clothes I do wear are skimpy
and very revealing, not because I am a slut, but because I enjoy having
nothing on. I feel if you have the goods why not show them off. Wow. I
am getting really horny writing this message. I don't know how to
explain it but something about your writing really intrigues me. I,
myself, enjoying reading and writing short stories; however your writing
is something special. Your witty and dry sense of humor is very
entertaining.
God, I am actually getting wet writing this. My heart is starting to
beat rapidly. As I write this I am naked. My computer is up in my room
and no one is home so I often sit at my computer naked. I love the feel
of the cool seat pressed against my cunt. Do you masturbate? I do.
Often times I sit at my computer and gingerly caress my outer vaginal
region just to get some slight pleasure. And sometimes I venture inside
and jam my fingers straight up my cunt. I usually get really into the
whole thing--I can be seen bucking up and down on the chair. My tight
ass lands hard on the chair in rapid succession. My whole upper body,
including my hard and large breasts, arch forward like a Olympic Diver
making a entrance into the water. My breasts press hard against my
chin and I love sucking on them while masturbating.
Wow I am really getting into this. Anyway please write back! As you can
see I am a very entertaing, smart, and free person...Just like you!
Kate
Well, Kate, thanks for this lovely letter. It really gave me a rise. Well,
now to answer your questions:
****I live in Kinnelon, NJ.
****"Do you masturbate?" Only on Sundays, just to piss God off.
That wraps up this issue, dudes. One plea to our male readers: Please do not
masturbate while reading Kate's letter. It would make me feel really dirty,
and make writing future issues very difficult for me.
VOMIT Index
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vomit 1...............................................................Intro
Vomit 2.................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
Vomit 3........................................................Masturbation
Vomit 4..........................................................The Smurfs
Vomit 5...........................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
Vomit 6........................................................John Is Dead
Vomit 7...........................................................My Sheets
Vomit 8........................Michael Jerome Vioreanu: A Study in Loserdom
Vomit 9.........................Tighty-whities & Useless trivia about Vomit
Vomit 10...........................A Guide To Annoying People In Chat Rooms
Vomit 11...........................................More of Biafra's Dribble
Vomit 12....................................................Bryan's Day Off
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shotgun blues. Shotgun blues.
VOMIT Information
HTTP://www.gti.net/vomit
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Warning: Abraxas is a trained Dextromethorphan and Dramamine abuser. Do not
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