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Vomit 10
ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ
ÛÛÛ Abraxas Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ Û
ÛÛÛ Û Û Û ÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
ÛÛÛ Û Û #10 Û ÛÛ Û Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
ÛÛÛ Û Û Û ÛÛ Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ
ÛÛÛ Û ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ
ÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ÛÛ
(GET OUT LAMER!!!!!111!)
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First, some local news before we get into this issue.Well,the Vomit homepage
is open! Yay!!! Go visit it! It's fun! You run! You slide! You hit the bump,
and take a dive! The address is http://www.gti.net/vomit Another wickedly
cool development is that I got my own e-mail address for you to harass me
at!
All wishing to send me death threats are more than welcome to at
eighties@gti.net Drop me a line! Send me a bomb! Whooo!!! And of course you
can mail my tag-along at biafra@gti.net Yeah. And if you think you've got
what it takes to be a vomit writer, and are willing to donate 6954 hours a
week to vomit service, e-mail me some of your material, and then I shall
decide if you are worthy to serve under me. Yeah! It's the first
double-digit issue! Celebrate good times!
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Hello there Vomit fans, all three of you. I'm gonna use this
installment to tell you how to become the center of attention in chat rooms.
I know a lot of you have problems getting noticed in chat rooms, and barely
ever get talked to. Well, your buddy Abraxas is gonna help you out. See, I
always get noticed and become the center of attention in every chat room
that I go in simply because I'm so cool, witty, and funny. After reading
this, you can become the center of attention in every room you go in, just
like me! Yay!
I normally do these things in AOL chat rooms because these people are
sub-human, and it's so much fun to play with their little minds, but you can
use these methods in any chat room on any service.
Lesson #1: The Introduction
===========================
OK. It's like, you never get a second chance to make a first impression, or
something, so give this your best shot. What I like to do for an
introduction is go into a room and type this "16/M/NJ 4'5" 320 pounds. Lots
of back hair. Ladies IM me." Now, this one is mine. You can't have it. Make
your own up. Be creative. EG "16/F/PR 3'2" 467 pounds. Flat hairy chest. Hot
guys IM me." Keep it short and surly. OK, after typing this, you will
instantly get half of the room talking to you saying such things as "Fat
ass!" "Eww!!" "You're gross!" "I feel sorry for you!" "What the hell do you
eat?!" "You're fat!" "You're short!" "You're fat AND short!"
Lesson #2: General Conversation
===============================
Alrighty. Now you've got half the room's attention. Don't stop now. You're
almost there on your quest to get the entire room to hate you. Never go for
longer than 30 seconds without typing something. If the 30 seconds is almost
up and you can't think of something to type, just type anything that makes
no sense. This is important. If it makes sense you'll appear normal, and we
DO NOT want this. Examples: "I've got magic legs!" "T-U-R-T-L-E Power!" "We
need Megazord power NOW!" "I lost my third testicle testicle in 'Nam." It
helps if you're drunk. These random comments will get others to join the
hate-group against you. They'll respond with things like "Forrest Gump
sucks!" "Turtles are for lamers!" "My stupid brother likes POwer Rangers so
you must be stupid" "That's not funny! My Uncle died in Vietnam!"
OK. Now you've got 75% of the room against you, and the rest are
mildly annoyed. This is when you've got to give it your best shot. You've
got the eye of the tiger. OK, common conversation in these rooms have to do
with music, and sports. There's something very funny and cool that you must
do when someone starts talking about a band, or a sports team.
Example: "Smashing Pumpkins rule!!!!"
Now, you respond with this "Holy shit! I just heard on the news that Billy
Corgan just died!!!" This really pisses people off. Of course it doesn't
have to be Smashing Pumpkins. It can be any group. If you don't know the
lead singer's name simply say "The lead singer of (Insert group here)
just died!" Now the people get even madder. Some will still be calling you
"fat ass" from your orginal comment. OK. Now that you've said Billy Corgan
is dead people are going to say "Bullshit! Uhh. How did he supposedly die?"
At this point you have to respond with something creative, but believable.
What I commonly say is "He was washing his bathroom and he mixed chlorine
and ammonia, which any fool knows makes a poisonous gas." Now some of the
people will actually believe you. They'll start asking more questions about
the "death". "Where'd you hear it from?" "MTV News! Where you hear it
first!" Just respond with believable answers. Then start wailing "Why does
God always take the good musicians?! WHY?!" Also do this little death bit
when talking about sports teams.
Example: "The Bulls rule!" "Oh my god! I just heard on ESPN that the Bulls'
plane just crashed, killing everyone on board!"
This will piss off more people.
From time to time you also re-type your original comment. Every time
a new person comes into the room you must tell them your stats. Also type it
when someone does an age/sex check. 16/M/NJ 4'5" 320 pounds! Ladies IM me!.
This will get the new people to hate you. You must taint this new blood as
soon as they come in. It will also annoy people if you continually do this.
"We know you're a fucking fat ass! Now shut the fuck up, or I'll kick your
ass!" Be sure to talk about how fat you are, and tells stories about your
fattiness. I like to tell the story about the time I was kicked out of
fat-kid camp for eating all the food. (Borrowed from Goonies.) I also tell
about the time that I went swimming in a neighbor's pool and I dispersed
all the water and flooded their yard. Or even the time that I was taking a
bath, and I shattered the tub. "You are a pathetic fat ass!" Tell other
stories too, like the time that you got crabs, or the time you got locked in
the basement for a week. "I had to eat my own leg to say alive!!!" The more
irrelevant the story is the better.
Another fun things to do is to say "80's kick ass!" This gets all
those cool teenagers to say "80's suck! 90's rule!" Or the truly stupid say
"60's rule!" Those little bastards were born 15 years after the sixties.
Little poseurs. Anyway, after you've said that the 80's rule, type the
lyrics to any popular 80's songs that you know. Example: "We've got to hold
on to what we've got. It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not!
We've got each other and that's a lot for love! We'll give it a shot! Whoa!
We're halfway there. Whoa! Livin' on a prayer! Take my hand, we'll make I
swear. Whoa! Livin' on a prayer!" or "Ooo Baby do you know what that's
worth? Ooo heaven is a place on Earth! They say in heaven love comes first.
Let's make heaven a place on Earth!" or "When the working day is done oh
girls just wanna have fun! Oh girls! They wanna have fun!" or "We got the
beat. We got the beat we got the beat! Yeah! We've got it!" Of course they
don't have to be 80's songs. Just make sure that it's a song from a CD that
any sane person would be embarassed to say that they own. Example: "The
things. You say. Your purple prose just gives you away. The things you say.
You're unbelievable!" or "I don't want anybody else. When I think about you
I touch myself." Of course everyone hates EMF and the Divinyls. All the
better for you. You can even make up your own songs. "I'm too sexy for my
pentium. Too sexy for my pentium." If you really REALLY want everyone to
hate you, type New Kids On The Block lyrics. "Whoaaaaaaa. Hangin' Tough."
Lesson #3 Escuchas las senales. Dealing with insults.
=====================================================
During your little typing spree you will be hit with a barage of instults
from the humor-impaired. Here is how you deal with this. Simply say shit
like "I'll sit on you!" "I'll crush you between my ass-cheeks!" If someone
gets really annoying with their insults, like "You have no dick, loser!",
then you say "If you're so tough I dare you to call me. I'll even pay for
it. My number is 201-984-2820." Put in the number of anyone that you hate.
(The number I gave is the number of this faggot-ass kid that I know who
lives in Morristown NJ. If this number is local to anyone I urge you to call
it day and night. The kid's name is Billy Barclay.) Another thing to do when
someone insults you is to simply insult yourself in reponse, or respond with
something that completely messes up their theory. Example: "YOu have no
dick!" "As a matter of fact, I have eighteen of them. I once fucked every
member of my school's National Honor Society simultaneously." or "You're
right. I lost it in 'Nam!" When lots of people start insulting you, and they
will, say shit like "Please stop. You're hurting my feelings." Then say "I'm
going to shoot myself!! I swear!" Then stop typing for three minutes. See
how happy everyone becomes now that you're dead. After three minutes, come
back on saying "Holy shit! I just woke up! I'm still alive! The fat blocked
the bullets!" or "I'm still alive! The bullet holes just closed up! I'm Eric
Draven!! Yeah!!! It's not a good day to be a bad guy, huh Skank?"
Lesson #4 Must learn balance, Daniel-san! Leaving the room.
===========================================================
When you finally decide that you've pissed off everyone, and it's losing its
fun it's time to leave. In leaving, you can either do the killing yourself
thing, but just never "wake up". Or you can simply say. "I gotta go
masturbate and eat corn chips now! Leave me fan or hate mail!" You just
wait. You will actually get hate mail. Hey, it's better than no mail.
Lesson #5 Miscellaneous Information
===================================
Scrolling is bad, and a very uncreative way to annoy people. It annoys even
the coolest people, so don't do it. It's much more fun to annoy people with
song lyrics, stories, your fat-ass, and killing yourself. Another thing that
annoys people is when you put a Vomit issue in their mailbox. When I do this
I get responses like "you suck man" "What the fuck is this?" Another fun
thing to do in AOL chat rooms is to get rid of people who like rap, or other
groups of people that you automatically hate. To get rid of people who I
don't think deserve to live, I go into rooms and say "Press Control and L
at the same time if you like rap!!!" Pressing CTRL-L sends these schmucks
into the lobby. Other things like "If you think Clinton deserves re-election
press ctrl L for my survey!" are also cool.
Epilogue
========
Do these things and others to annoy people. If you find other cool ways to
annoy people, e-mail me eighties@gti.net This text has just been a
guideline. Feel free to play around with the guideline. Add shit. Take shit
away. Whatever. It's your own little world. Have fun annoying everyone.
VOMIT Index
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Vomit 1...............................................................Intro
Vomit 2.................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
Vomit 3........................................................Masturbation
Vomit 4..........................................................The Smurfs
Vomit 5...........................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
Vomit 6........................................................John Is Dead
Vomit 7...........................................................My Sheets
Vomit 8........................Michael Jerome Vioreanu: A Study in Loserdom
Vomit 9.........................Tighty-whities & Useless trivia about Vomit
Vomit 10...........................A Guide To Annoying People In Chat Rooms
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No one likes you! Get out!!! Go on a diet!
