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Vomit 02
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(And they said we wouldn't last!)
==============================================================================
Quest of the |<-R4Ds
(No character list 'cause I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do yet.)
(Scene 1 opens upon a dark-skinned Indian fat computer nerd typing away at his
keyboard. He's dressed in a yellow T-shirt that says "Odyssey Computers", and
blue swimming trunks that barely conceal his chubby thighs. His name is Danish
Achmed. His handle is "Spider". He's on a bbs talking to a fellow |<-RaD D00d)
Spider(typing): PhreE Da WaREz!
Warezman (The kid Spider is talking to): How's the scene, Spider?
Spider: It's LAME! Too many lamers are wrecking da scene for us l33t d00dz.
My l33t group (Couriers of Warez, COW for short) hasn't had a decent
warez upload in months. I dunno what I'm gonna do. I need to get some
awesome warez to get my group number one again.
Warezman: Oh, well there's this rumor that...umm..forget it.
Spider: What?! What rumor? Tell me!
Warezman: I shouldn't. I promised.
Spider: Tell me or I'll blacklist your ass, lamer!
Warezman: No! Don't blacklist me! I'll talk! OK, I heard from L33t-man on
Queer-Garden BBS that a top-secret plane carrying pre-release
versions of Windows '98 crashed in the woods near your town, but no
one can find where it crashed! If you could find that plane, you
would get the most recent warez on the planet!
Spider: Quit joshin' me, lamer!
Warezman: No! I swear to the |<-rAd gods! Ask someone in your l33t group. I'm
sure that they heard about it!
Spider: If what you say is true, and I could find that plane, I'd have the
best warez, and my group would rool the scene again!
Warezman: Yeah!
Spider: Do they have any idea where it crashed?
Warezman: They just said somewhere deep in the woods of your town. The news
isn't reporting it 'cause Microsoft threatened to sue if they did.
Spider: I'll call my l33t WaR3z group members right away! We're going on a
hike! We're Phreein' da' best warez!
Warezman: Good Luck
NO CARRIER
(Spider gets out of his well-worn chair. He's so excited his fat rolls are
jiggling in excitement. He goes over to his phone, and calls one of his l33t
group members. (Calls him voice?! What kind of l33t d00d does that?!) The
first number he dials is busy.)
Spider: Probably phreeing some warez! (Spider then dials another group member.
Once again, it is busy.) Holy text files, the scene must be active today! I'll
just have to call his parents' line! (Spider's short pudgy fingers dial
another number)
Woman's voice from phone: Hello?
Spider: I need to talk to Night Hawk! Now!
Woman: Huh?
Spider: Quick, get Night Hawk! He's on his 'puter!
Woman: Oh, you mean Billy.
Spider: Shhhh!!! Don't ever use a l33t d00dz real name!
Woman: Whatever. You have such cute little code names on that computer thing.
Spider: Ma'am, if you were uploading warez, they'd be from a week ago! You're
so slow! Get Night Hawk, or I'll wreck you on da' scene!
Woman: (Chuckling) OK, hold on. Billllllly! Billlllly!
Billy's voice (Distant): What?!
Woman: Danish is on the phone!
Spider: No real names! I'd TOS you if I was talking to you on AOL!
(Billy <Night Hawk> picks up the phone.)
Night Hawk: How's the scene, Spider?!
Spider: No time for warez chatter! I got important info that could make COW
the best |<-RaD group again!
Night Hawk: Really? What?!
Spider: (He tells him the story of the crashed plane carrying warez. I'm just
too lazy to type it again.) So, what do you say all the COWs get
together and find this plane?
Night Hawk: Sounds like a great plan to me! I'll go call the other COWs.
Spider: Ok! Free da warez!
Night Hawk: Free da warez! (They both hang up.)
(Spider can harldy contain his short, round little body. He goes up the stairs
from his computer room.)
END SCENE 1
Scene 2 (Spider's Room)
(Spider's room is a very tidy little room. The bed looks untounched. Spider is
too busy freeing warez to sleep! All over are posters of the latest computer
hardware. <New p6 chip! 64 Bit Sound Cards! etc.> Stacks of computer manuals
are on his desk.)
(Enter Spider)
(Huffing and puffing. Getting up the stairs was hard work. He slams the door
shut.)
Spider: I need to pack for my warez expidition! (He grabs his bookbag, which
has a Microsoft patch on it. He begins piling in tons of clothes. He then
opens a draw and pulls out a humongous white bottle labeled "Rash Medication".
He stuffs it in his book bag. He also throws in tons of twinkies and Ho-Hos.
Then he grabs another bag labeled "Lap Top". He begins to make his way out of
his room. Suddenly he turns back.) Almost forgot to pack my undershirts! I'd
get a rash if I didn't wear them! (He then throws in lots of sweat-stained
undershirts, and leaves the room.)
End Scene 2
Scene 3 (Night Hawk's basement)
(Night Hawk is finishing up a phone call with a Phracker member. Night Hawk is
a 5'3" chubby white kid, pale as a marshmallow. He's dressed in a Mickey Mouse
T-shirt, and those awesome seventies short shorts.)
Night Hawk: Ok, remember Exodus, meet us at the Comp-USA. Pack
whatever you feel is neccesary. Bye. Free da warez! (He hangs up
the phone. He grabs his pre-packed book bag, and begins to head out the door.
Suddenly Billy's mom enters the room.)
Mom: And where are we going today, Billy?
Night Hawk: It's "Night Hawk", and I'm going to free some warez!
Mom: Ok, "Night Hawk", but if you're not going anywhere unless you to take
your little brother. (Calling) Jimmy!
Night Hawk: Oh no, mom! He's a lamer!
Mom: I don't care what he is, you either take him with you, or you don't go.
(Enter Jimmy. A short 9 year old in an X-men shirt.)
Jimmy: What, mom?
Mom: You kids spend all day in the house, and are driving me nuts. You're
going with your brother to "Free some warez". (Night Hawk sighs)
Jimmy: Alright! I'm gonna be l33t like Night Hawk!
Night Hawk: You'll never be as l33t as I am, Jimmy.
Jimmy: My name's Sparky, you lamer!
Night Hawk: Fine, whatever, just let's go. (The two brothers head out the
door.)
Mom: (Calling out to them) Have fun "freeing the warez"!
End scene 3
Scene 4 (CompUSA parking lot)
(7 ugly losers, COW, have gathered. We already know Spider, Night Hawk, and
Sparky. There's also "Acid Burn", a 7 foot skinny as hell computer dork with a
huge afro and glasses so thick that his pupils look like quarters. Then
there's "Exodus", a tiny Japanese kid. Then there's "Ghostrider", a curly
red-headed buck-toothed dork. And last, there's "Abraxas", a kid whose face is
never seen because it's always hidden behind his greasy long black hair.
All are dressed in various dork clothes, like T-shirts saying "Spock Rules",
and have book bags filled with crap.)
==============================================================================
Will COW get the l33test warez? Were they set up? Have any of them gotten to
first base? Tune in next time. Same |<-r4d time! Same l33t 'zine! I'll write
the next part when I'm damned well good n ready. Don't pressure me! I have
enough to worry about. How am I gonna get into college?! I missed my period!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
==============================================================================
VOMIT Index
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Vomit 1..................................................................Intro
Vomit 2....................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
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L33t3r than God
