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Vomit 04
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(Three apples tall)
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Hey there, Vomitrons. I'd like to speak to you about something that
has been bothering me and I need to get off my chest. I'd like to talk about
something from all of our pasts: The Smurfs. Remember them? Those little blue
Nazis? They bug me. They are my worst memory of the 80's. I'll tell you why.
First of all, they were blue. Doesn't blue skin denote poor blood
circulation? Maybe their lack of proper blood flow made them so small. Maybe
they were all nicotine and caffeine junkies, so their arteries all shrunk to
nothing. And why were they always shirtless? Why didn't they have nipples?
Another thing that I always thought was inappropriate about them was
the fact that they wore rubbers on their heads. Now since they were all nazis,
and looked the same, they all had the standard Trojan-issue white condom on
their blue heads. There were two exceptions. Perhaps the producers decided
that plain white condoms could get very monotonous, as many married couples
do, so they decided to spice things up a bit by giving Papa Smurf a
cherry-flavored condom. That's why his was red. The other exception was the
banana flavored yellow condom worn by Grandpa smurf.
Then there was Smurfette; The only girl among them. I wonder what she
she did for a living... She was quite a whore, or would she be called a Smore?
Living in her Smore-house servicing all those Nazis, the little skank.
One thing that disturbed me a little was the name of one of the
Smurfs: Handy...... Gee, I wonder why they called him that. He's probably the
only one who didn't need Smurfette.
Then there's those little blue blobs stuck to all their asses. There
are many popular theories about what these little blobs were. I'll only
discuss the feasible ones. The most popular theory is that they are simply
tails. I think not. That's what THEY want you to think. The Smurfs were far
too evil and devious for those blobs to simply be tails. Another theory is
that those things were pods used for reproduction. When the "tail" got big
enough it would fall off and metamorphosize into another Smurf. Afterall, you
never saw Smurfette pregnant, so how else could they make more Smurfs? Another
theory is that those things were used as anal plugs. Perhaps living in an
almost 100% male village had them all wary of being raped by another male
Smurf. Those little plugs were used to prevent this horrible scenario from
happening. The plugs served a dual purpose in they also constantly gave a
smurf a feeling of sexual anal ecstacy. A more simple theory is that every
smurf was just really bad at whiping their own asses, so they constantly had
big blue dingleberries. They could also have been anal tumors caused by
standing too close to the microwave to cook their smurf-food. They could
also have been a sign of their religion. Hindus have red dots on their heads,
so why shouldn't a smurf have a bulbous blue dot on their ass? Another theory
is that they are backwards oddly-shaped penises, but I don't believe this
theory because Smurfette had one.
And what was with their theme song? A bunch of assorted "La's" and no
real lyrics. Those lazy producers didn't have enough time to write a real
theme song for them because they were too busy spreading the Smurfian war
machine into all of our homes.
Throughout this essay, you have often heard me refer to them as "The
blue Nazis". I'll explain why. Their arch enemy, Gargamel, was a poor old man,
dressed all in black (like a Rabbi), and he had a big Jewish nose. He lived by
himself with a cat as his only companion. He also loved to hoard away his
money. He was definitely a Jew and because the Smurfs hated him so much just
proves that the smurfs were anti-semetic bastards.
Another thing that bother me about those Smurfs were those mushroom
houses that they lived in. They must have gotten pneumonia a lot from
constantly living in such dark, wet, and musty places. Maybe they were all
homos and liked living in houses shaped like penises. They must have suffered
from a multitude of fungal diseases like athlete's foot from living in
mushrooms. I dunno. The only thing that I do know is that the smurfs really
bother me.
VOMIT Index
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Vomit 1..................................................................Intro
Vomit 2....................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
Vomit 3...........................................................Masturbation
Vomit 4.............................................................The Smurfs
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La la la la la la
