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Utter Newbie Faggots Issue 06
>>>>>>>>>>>>> EXPLICIT LANGUAGE - PARENTAL GUIDANCE SUGGESTED <<<<<<<<<<<<<<
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ BEGIN uNF #006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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UTTER NEWBIE FAGGOTS
[=========================] [= Editors ====================================]
D If you're reading this D | Johnny^B (JohnnyB@thevortex.com) |
I it is too late. Your I | [w]ulfen (simon@paamand.dk) |
S immortal soul is doomed S | dELTAKAJ (deltakaj@hotmail.com) |
C to eternal damnation C | |
L and your mental health L [= ASCII art ==================================]
A is probably down the A | [w]ulfen |
I drain as well. I | |
M As if anyone cares... M [= Disciples of uNF ===========================]
E it's all for fun. E | ChaOticA, ConDenSeR |
R Oh, and if any of this R | |
| offends you... well... | [= Avatars of our deity =======================]
| WE DON'T CARE! uNF@!~! | | Satanic Garden Gnomes |
[=========================] [==============================================]
===] phile 006 [=] Why Santa must die [=] Johnny^B [===-
Christmas time... Time for joy, happyness and love (and a shitload of
presents from your ever caring family) Don't we all just love this special
time of the year?
Well, growing up as a kid I used to love christmas... But then it all came to
me, crashed down on me, struck me with undescribable force... Christmas SUXXX!
Christmas is fake and hollow, the original traditions have been neglected,
raped and destroyed... Basicly, Christmas ain't nothing but a bad joke!!
Remember when you were growing up? You would put up this sock somewhere and
then Santa would come at night and leave some really k0ol, RaDiCaL stuff for
you... And as if that wasn't enough, Santa would also show up on Christmas Eve
and leave some even ko0ler and more expesive presents for you.. Remeber that?
Well, I sure remeber that - and I also remember getting older... One day when
I was about 7 years old or so, I remeber waking up early one cold December
morning, rushing to the living room, just to find out that there was no sock!
aparently Santa, that slutty male prostitude had been too busy fooling around
with some Garden Gnome Bitch Godess and forgot to stop by my house... Well,
with tears in my eyes I went off to tell my Dad the bad news...
I still remeber standing there next to my dad, hugging his leg as I told him
what had happend, I also still remeber him looking down at me with a smile,
patting my head and telling me, "Son, I'm afraid there is no Santa, he's just
a character made up to add a certain friendlyness and mystery to the christmas
days."
I still remember very well... I will probably never forget. There is no Santa,
Hah! If there is no Santa then why the hell does it then seem that no matter
where I turn to se these days, I see a fat guy wearing a red suit and a huge
white (fake) beard walking around saying "Ho, Ho, Fucking Ho, So, what do you
want for christams? Come sit on my lap and tell me everything you desire...
How would you like a cookie and a bum phuck, my friend?"
Well, that's what I keep asking myself at this time of the year.. If there is
obviously no Santa, then why the hell are all these guys running around out
there acting like total maniacs and claiming to have just flown in from the
North Pole? Well, the way I see it, there's only one answer to that question:
Those are fake Santas!!! and that pisses me off!!! Those fake, hollow
Santas put me in a very strange mood... They put me in a mood to kill!!!
Imagine just walking up to that big fat dude, pull out a knife, slash him open,
pull his guts out, watch him bleed to death, pour gasoline on his corpse,
light a match and watch the bitch burn!!!! Hows that for a wonderful christmas?
Okay, so I guess killing SaNTa CLauS might be a little out of hand, but who
says that you can't just make his life a living hell instead? Here is a list
of fun things that you can try out:
- Everytime you see one of those fake bastards, scream from the top of your
longues: "We salute you, evil master!!".. Believe me, I tried this when our
local SanTa first arrived at the mall. (huge ass ceremonial thing including
a marching band, elfs, worried parents and a 2-300 kids) The poor sucker
got so frightened that he lost his $.75 fake beard and all... HUGE FUN!!!
- Try to see if you can actually get to sit on his lap.. When he asks you
about your wish, tell him that you wish he would die a painful death and
his dead body would be eaten by maggots and other interesting creatures.
- Hire some cheap crack whore and try to get her to sit on his lap.. If she
is successful then make her try to snog him infront of all the kids, giving
him herpes and other kinds of interesting diseases...
- Light his SaNTa suit (TM) on fire. (Note that this might actually end up
killing him)
- Kick him in the nuts... If he drops to the ground and starts screaming in
pain, laugh evily at him. If some kids start crying coz you hurt SanTa CLauS
laugh evily at him too, then glare at him and tell him that he's next, and
he "better not run, he better not hide.." coz you're gonna get his ass...!
- Attack him. Simply knock him out cold and steal his SaNTa suit (TM). Put on
his SaNTa suit (TM). Go out and do all kinds of weird stuff like kicking
small dogs, fondle young teenage girls or masturbate in public. Make sure
that lots of people see you doing this and blame it all on SaNTa.
- Go to the bank. Drain all your accounts. Pay us $ 5,000, we'll hire a hitman
and make sure that SaNTa gets it... Use whatever money may be left to move
to Mexico...
- Uhm... Guess that's it... I'm all out of ideas for now...
Well, my friends... This has been our first official X-MaS phile. Hope some
of this info will be helpful some day...
- Merry X-MaS from Johnny^B
============================================================================
uNF 006 - 16th Dec 99 - {Generated by uNFGen: 12/16/99 08:06 PM CET}
Copyright(c) 1999 by the uNF team
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ END uNF #006 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
