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Underground eXperts United File 459
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Erratic Sleep ] [ By Marie Kazalia ]
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red squirrel
dreaming detailed road
driving motorcycle slow
Look away
Lift my hands up/ over my head
Front wheel hits dried mud-rut
--I fall crashing to the ground
JUMP AWAKE startled
don't know if I called out screaming
Doesn't matter
nobody cares in this hotel anyway
That film at Hong Kong film festival
began with motorcycle crashing
onto the sandy beach
where a man stands deciding
to kill himself in the ocean--over a woman
Rushes over to the rider down on the sand
in a helmet--removes--discovers a young woman
who doesn't remember who she is--
ambulance takes her to hospital
where the man gives her name as his x-girlfriend
the one he nearly died over
A scene in his apartment hip musician
Tight-shot on a wall framed antique etching
a woman's enormous French-ass
rough-terrain wide rutted
Someone has found big-buxom-buttocks sexy--
I have yet to find someone like that
of course mine are rounded
2 perfectly globular telescoping cheeks
....and in the end you begin to question
your own ability to ask yourself the right questions
Searching for answers
more doubtful of the validity
to answer the question--
More unsure of who you are
why you are living writing
Who wants to read your work?
lack of total faith in the ability to go on
Marie A. Kazalia 4/6/96
the collective stupidity of people
raises my anxiety
How does any infant make-it through--
TV news
grandmother accidentally drove over
her baby grandchild with her car
guy who purchased 300 lottery tickets
the first day of the California lottery
Certain his "system" would beat the odds
scratched all 300 in front of his drinking
buddies at their hangout bar--
ALL 300 hundred--without winning even
five dollars--scratched the last loser
then broke-down crying --
My mother used to over-boil corn on the cob
fresh corn--overcooked--she poked the
COB with a fork to see if it was done--
My sisters & brother and I used to call
each other: PAIN! YOU'RE A PAIN
The idea that I could do as I pleased
---follow my own way--
tell people that's what I'm doing
Thinking my sisters, mother, and other
defunct/insignificant people
would be glad for me...
People attached to each other
exchanging significant eye contact
each thinking: OH he/she has A THING
for me--
That fallacy more exciting than reality--
Marie A. Kazalia 4/6/96
Burning Down the House
my mother came back to get her things
while my father at work---
entire set of Melmac,
bowls, cups, plates
She left behind with her Bauer bowls
in otherwise empty cupboards--
when she moved out
She took the refrigerator
all the furniture--some big guys
put everything into a truck
Except the Melmac & Bauer bowls
and the family photos in an old winter coat
box-- All my childhood toys in the basement
My father came home to a nearly empty house
no bed, barely a chair to sit down on
My mother in her new apartment gloating
He changed the front and back door locks
afterward, then said: WONDER WHY I DIDN'T
THINK OF CHANGING THEM BEFORE--
Sheepish that Lois had won another round
When I told her that Melmac & Bauer
had become collectors items--she actually
tried to slip back to the house alone
but couldn't get in--
He worked nights,
used to my sisters in the house
now I was alone--eventually
I found life in a new town with the old lady
much more interesting--
When I came back to see my father
he had all new furniture--nothing fancy
all the old Melmac and old toys gone--
He'd made a fire, took all that stuff
out and burned it--
I told him those toys sell for ten times
their original price at collector fairs--
He seemed surprised--but said
OH WELL, I FELT BETTER AFTERWARD
Marie A. Kazalia 2/26/95
catching-up on half-a-lifetime of lost sleep
if I get into a relationship with a man
a lover
for anything other than sincere reasons
Find in the end I've lost so much more
than I've gained, but then--
When I get into a relationship for the reasons
most people say I should--
physical attraction
romance
Just liking someone first--
having that turn into something more
I don't lose the same things
but eventually something is gone
my freedom or my love
or worse perhaps money from my purse
or my travel journals from a year spent in a 3rd world country
Get upset
Spend all my time suffering instead of
accomplishing anything beneficial
So lose myself
Now staying out of relationships like that
--lack of desire--
with encouragement from my therapist
The medication she prescribes helps me
I sleep inordinate amounts of time
When before--my sleep routinely erratic for years
I'd forgotten that wasn't right
to me, not sleeping at night normal
Sleep during daylight
If I have to get/go out
wear dark glasses
talking about how my eyes sensitive to bright light
Now my head clear,
feel rested
I'm working through some painful memories
With the help of my therapist, I talk with
once a week,
One hour usually--
Marie A. Kazalia 1/23/96
Flash-forward illusion
Never had the guts to tell anyone officially--
that I suspect my LSD trip several years prior
suddenly returned for a few moments
just as I drove into a time warp
Shifting-down, in my orange VW bus--
Gliding into the left turn lane
Great arrow green just kept on
turning through the intersection
Crossing in front of a new Fiat
smashing into my front
windshield popping out
metal crumpling faster than I can
pull my feet away
catching my big toe in Birkenstock
Some guy with a crow-bar prys me out
gave my statement to the cop
He came to the hospital later
tactfully telling me
THERE IS NO LEFT TURN LANE
OR GREEN ARROW AT THAT INTERSECTION
Shocked silent on top of my smash-up
stitches in knee and foot
MY OWN BRAIN TRYING TO KILL ME--
I thought
--A COUPLE YEARS LATER--
the same kind of flash-back
tries to get me
in a different intersection
in another city
But I just drove my Opel
straight-on-through bravely
dissolving
the power of that brain quirk
Marie A. Kazalia 2/26/96
movement in sync with universal time
crossing the busy street--4 lanes
don't bother waiting for pedestrian cross-walk
universal figure to light the way---Cut across
at any angle----time the flow
with my steps-- liquid motions
Cars speeding fast---not caught like some dork
standing on a street corner waiting for the light
to change/Mistaken as a prostitute
Walking between two white lines--
guy pulls over---asks how much?
Nothing discreet about it--where are the cops
My manner/clothes/style unusual
SO people make-up little stories
Roles they think I fit into-----but they
could never recognize who or what I am-----
So different than most people--so unusual
I'm at a loss for words---poet Koon Woon
only understands-----male version of myself--
only he's bi-polar----and I'm a border-line
schizoid personality
Knew a younger more-adventurous version of myself;
Stephanie Pugh--will become a famous writer
in her old-age, according to a Japanese fortune
teller who read her palm in a Tokyo club--
ONE NIGHT--
When I ran into Alton my clothes all new
my job non-existent--
He made-up some story about me
saying:
IT'S OBVIOUS YOU'RE BEING KEPT--
Not the case--
But somehow I'm able to do only as I choose--
What's the point of living, otherwise?
Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
Those McPeople
call all non-MacIntosh/Apple computers
P C's
isn't that sort of like
calling all homosexual men: gay
but homosexual women: lesbian
They're both gay aren't they?
But not both lesbian--
can she understand my body
bruised swollen bounced around
off metal in that auto accident--
That I couldn't hug her
it hurt too much
so we suffered individually together
too painful
to say the words
make the excuse
Only the real thing
caring mattered
I couldn't give it
or I would have-----------------------
Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
how I like to dress, so I won't fit in anywhere I go
like doing certain things
wearing designer shoes
walking through the nearby Hispanic ghetto
Hoping I won't be mistaken
for a prostitute---(which I'm not)
most beautiful things
should be worn in the dirtiest
most disgusting places--
My black Italian flats
stepping over human dung
mostly small piles from children
who swarm around me
laughing at my predicament
mistakenly walking down
a dead-end toilet-street in Madras, India
filthy children's hands beg for rupees
Mock and ridicule whatever I say--
Get out of that filthy dung street
hoping I didn't catch anything
flies children
I'm looking for a bakery
Pass a bakery
I refuse to enter
those Shit flies probably get in there
sit on the sweet breads leaving yuck
who knows--
Designer evening shoes clothes
in any poverty hell-hole
In Beverly Hills old worn-out jeans
& shoes--
feel myself in the sun
happy inside for a couple moments
Always at odds with prevailing ethic
Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
SHOWER WRITING
I'm going-to design a workable version of my
vinyl shower & bath note-pad and waxy pencils
that won't melt at normal bath temperatures
So would probably need to extent the
temperature above that for sauna/Jacuzzi/
hot-tub users--for people who get all their
best ideas bathing--But forgotten by the
time they've dried off--This blank page
note pad will also come with other
optional versions contemporary poet series
for people who hate wasting time must do
several things simultaneously---and the
masturbatory version of bi-eroticism
exaggeration, here-say put into action,
condescension condensation, expansion altering
embellishment, falsehoods, fantasy---
Marie A. Kazalia 4/7/96
drinking water
----I still remember easily
summer
my dad taught me to drink from a rubber garden hose
attached to an outside faucet--
Too dirty from gardening to go inside for a drink---
long green hose in the sun
first water came out warm--
after a few moments cold water flowing
bend my face way-over
to keep water from my chest and feet--
The day upstairs in my pollack friend's house--
she too afraid of her drunken father to go down and get a glass--
Showed me how to get a drink
from bathroom sink faucet---
Me realizing how cared & pampered I'd been,
up until then--Not out of great love,
but out-of great fear---my mother's
That something might happen to me--
Not that she cares so much about my loss--
But how SHE would suffer from it--
emotionally mentally
unable to handle
tragedy
would take all her thoughts and energy for too long--
she didn't want to deal with all of that
already had enough trouble getting out of bed
making dinner--
how I rebelled against her
hitchhiking
but all that was long ago
Today I drink water from sink faucet in my crummy hotel room--
Too afraid I'll be seen--afraid to go out in the hall
Use the toilet
I Piss in the sink---
Marie A. Kazalia 7/8/96
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uXu #459 Underground eXperts United 1998 uXu #459
ftp://ftp.lysator.liu.se/pub/texts/uxu/
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