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Underground eXperts United File 316
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Alien Invasion ] [ By Joseph ]
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[Alien Invasion]
I was out walking the other day. It was rather cold and it was getting
dark. I was freezing, and started to regret that I went out for a walk.
Anyway, I suddenly saw this strange light two-three hundred meters in front
of me. It was kind of bluish and blinked every once in a while. The streets
were empty, and I thought that it was probably some road maintenance
being made late at night. I walked towards the light and didn't think much
about it until I came just in front of it. A low humming sound came from what
seemed to be the center of the light. The object I was now standing in front
of was two meters wide and about one meter tall. It levitated a couple of
feet above the ground.
I wet my pants. Never before had I encountered something I just couldn't
explain. This was something really new. I froze and stood there, probably
looking quite funny, for about ten minutes or so. A door opened and a small
figure came out. He halted and made a funny look. We both stared at each
other for some time until the small figure said "Hi!, how are you?"
I said that I was rather fine, until the moment I'd met him (or her as it
turned out to be.) She laughed.
"Yeah, you earthlings sure have a peculiar way of saying hello."
"How so?", I asked.
"Every time I say hello to someone, they start to pee."
I was stunned. This was an alien and she had obviously met humans before
and she invited me into the craft. I went in and was amazed by how big it was
from the inside. When I saw it from the outside it seemed to be a really
small ship to travel through the galaxy in.
She introduced herself as Karin Larsson. I told her that was a strange
name for an alien. She just looked at me and said that Josef Bjornberg was
quite a funny name for an earthling.
I decided to not discuss the matter more with her. We chatted for a while
and she served me some very tasty extra-terrestrial tea. They were on a
weekend trip to earth and had stayed for a couple of days at the Shellaton,
which is a expensive hotel at the bottom of the pacific ocean. I asked her
what they did when they were on vacation here on earth.
"Well, we fool around some," she said.
I smelled a rat.
"Exactly what do you do when you fool around?" I asked.
"We're doing some pretty awesome stuff you know! I think I've got a list,
somewhere around here, of the stuff we've done the past days."
She gave me the list and I started to read. Luckily their language was
very similar to English.
Day One
Found a man walking home from a party. He seemed to have had too much to
drink. We picked him up and went for a spin. Showed him the moon and some of
the nearest stars from the earth. He puked on the controls and started to
yell when we showed him how small earth is, when looked down upon from Alpha
Centauri.
When we dropped him off we put some phone numbers in his wallet. All of
them to really ugly women.
Flew over Pentagon a couple of times at mach 21. Alarms went off, and
they even fired some missiles at us. Of course they missed - us, but not the
Johnson family. Pentagon is going to have a hard time explaining why they
suddenly decided to blow up an entire family. The Johnsons' were on welfare.
So perhaps they can justify it somehow.
Created some amazing cell mutations. Grew them for a while until it
looked like the kind of slime you might find on Sunday mornings next to your
bed. Served it as food in a Swedish school. A total bore. No one noticed shit.
Day Two
Dressed up as Elvis and ran around in a couple of corn fields in Texas. Some
of them farmers went berserk and shot at us. Perhaps one Elvis would have
been enough.
Went over to the loser we picked up yesterday to see how he was doing. We
sent in the surveillance camera and found him blushing by the phone. Waited
until he'd gone out and then repainted his room in a slightly different
color.
Saw a crowd of people waiting for a bus in Finland. One of us got out
in the invisible suit. He pinched about twenty women in the ass. A bloodbath
followed. Of course we managed to get it all on tape.
Day Three
Got into AT&T's head office. Erased all the backups made in the past ten
years. Then crashed the main billing computer. Reheated a cup of coffee
to about 90 degrees Celsius. One fucking surprised AT&T vice president
was found later drinking ten liters of cold water.
Hooked up to the Internet and posted some hard-core GIFs on the
White house homepage. In a speech to the people hours after, Bill Clinton
personally denied any involvement.
Day Four
Kidnaped an astronomer. Told him how everything worked. He was surprised
that the space-time wasn't curved but curly. After a while his eyes went
wide open and he started to giggle and drool. Dropped him of at a hospital.
Returned to the loser whose apartment we repainted two days ago. Hovered
outside his window for an hour. He saw us and ran around the room trying to
find a video camera. When he found it we did some loops and put on antennas
and said hello.
I thanked her for the tea and told her I really had to get going. We
shook hands and said goodbye.
As I walked back to my house I thought "So that's why!"
written by Joseph <josef@kuai.se>
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uXu #316 Underground eXperts United 1996 uXu #316
Call LHDý -> +1-818-546-2332
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