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Underground eXperts United File 277
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Boy Racer ] [ By Pivic ]
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BOY RACER
written by Pivic
I read in the evening paper that the doctor of <X> had prescribed heavy
dosages of Mozart in order to make him hear certain frequencies again. If
the doctor had stated that himself, would not less people believe it?
I live a humble life. I have just broken up with my girlfriend and I got
involved in a new relationship yesterday. Well, we have met now and then
before, but at that time our interests were mostly directed towards simple
needs: sex. We met at... and... And I do not really know if I can refer to
her as my girl. Actually, I share her with another guy. Her boyfriend. I
say that she is my girl, while she claims that I am just one of her boys.
That drives me up the wall, I do not like it. But she says that she will
drop him any day now, but I just cannot believe her. She just mess around
and it seems like she wants both of us. I can understand, even though it has
never happened to me nor to anyone I know, that someone might be able to
love two people at the same time. And it has never crossed my mind that she
might just want to exploit one of us.
I never get angry when I discover the bad parts about girls, but if they
fool around or just use me for their own pleasures, I get mad. It does
not show, according to my friends, but I can mourn over dead love several
months after it has been flushed down the drain. So, imagine how afraid
I am about her fooling around. She is fooling around, with me, but that is
different. Still, it feels bad - for me and, of course, the other guy!
He does not know anything. She always say that she will kick him out of
her life since they are not coming along very well. Hmm. One day it is
not good and the other day it is just fine.
two days later
Problem. She has not left him yet. When I asked her why, she said that she
needed more time. I did not understand what she meant, but to seem
understanding I claimed the opposite. Then she said that she loved me, and
even though I did not show any feelings, I fell for her like a stone. A
couple of minutes later, she said that I am usually boring.
However, the reason why she still keeps in touch might be the fact that
she is only sixteen. I am not very old myself, but, honestly speaking, I
have never been so much in love with someone as I am with her. I do not really
know how I would feel if she took her 'first' guy in favor of me. I do not
fancy being the other man. She says that he is beginning to understand what
is going on.
Actually, I have been in a situation that is very much like this one.
But then the girl had no boyfriend and we were younger than now. Naturally,
the problems in question seemed bigger at the time. I wanted her, but for
other reasons than I want... the girl of today. She teased me and it all
ended with me dumping her. I could not take it any more so I threw her
away, mourned a little, and then it was over. But this particular girl
is fucking different.
one day later
I have done it. I have done it. But I cannot understand why. I want her,
what have I done? Perhaps I have given her something that is more nice than
myself. Or, I have again misunderstood some girl's feelings for me. She just
does not seem to be interested in me - and her relationship with the other
man seems to work out now. Anyway, I have sent her a letter that explains
that it would be better if she stayed with her 'first' man. I cannot talk
to her.
seven hours and thirty-three minutes later
She just sighed and said 'oh' when I called her to tell what I had sent to
her. I just could not only send her things. It did not feel cowardly, just
wrong. She said that her relationship with him was doomed, and that there
was no way it would survive the summer. Still, I did not feel good. She
began to explain weird metaphors and when I said 'if this is the way it
is going to be when we are together the things I wrote might be the right
thing' she just sighed more.
I thought she had suddenly understood what I had written, and also that
she wanted it to be like that. However, I then realized that I wanted her
even more than before. She had changed my life. She fills me with more love
than anyone else. It all came so fast, and we began to talk at the same
time. Then we both said 'You first!' together. She began to laugh, I laughed
with my mouth shut.
I said something about that I would never stop loving her. It sounds
stupid, but I really meant it at the time. She began to laugh once again
and I took it as a personal insult. I didn't say anything though. It was as
an omen: if we would come back to each other, I would sit around in a
corner while she laughed at me.
I considered drinking myself to death. Well, I actually ought to. The
whole goddamn room is leaning. I am a heavy drinker right now. My whole
damn head feels fucking heavy and I drink because I want to forget her easily.
It is not a very good method, since it gives the opposite result. I think
of her one-hundred percent more now than normally. I hope that I will not
throw up.
one day later (not twenty-four hours this time)
The floor does not stink anymore. Yeah, I dropped the bottle when I fell
asleep and I also thought it was a great idea to empty it in the crack in
the floor. Better to do it here than in the hallway.
I called her up and asked a lot of questions. She said that I sounded
strange and she wanted to know what I had done. I told her the truth. When
She laughed and said that I was the only one to blame, I hung up. I could
not take it. She neither, because she called me up two seconds later. She
wondered what the hell I thought I was doing. I explained that I just could
not stand being laughed at right now. 'Oh' she said. Silence. She said
I sounded like a wino and then she laughed again. I did not hang up. I needed
someone to talk to. She said that it felt nice to hear my voice again, and
my body began to shiver at once. I stuttered the words 'It is nice to hear
your voice too' but I immediately regret saying it. She laughed, and I
could not feel my body - just my head, and especially the area around my
ears, something that I... and then her doorbell rang. She asked me to wait.
"Hello!" someone said, then a kiss. She returned. "I've got company. I must
go. Bye!" I felt like crying, but since I am a man I cannot cry. That is
out of the question.
two days later
I have been out quite a lot now. During that time she has been away. I told
her to call me, and perhaps she has done that. I have not been able to
take any calls at all, because the phone company has cut my cables. Besides,
I have been busy. I think she does not want me. It does not feel anymore.
You need to be able to keep your distance. If not, you could go home and
cry at once.
five days later
Now it is over.
She knows that it is over, but I refuse to accept it. I still have not
really understood it completely. I know she can change everything and make
me fall in love with her again. After that, I will give it a little rest.
Anywey, in this fuckin Disneyland shite, this daft cunt in a bear
suit jumps oot in front ay us, ken? Wavin ehs airms aboot n that. The
bairn starts fuckin screamin, gied ur a real fright, ken? So ah fuckin
panels the cunt, punches the fuckin wide-o in the mooth, or whair ah
thought ehs mooth wis, under that suit, ken? Too fuckin right!
Disneyland or nae fuckin Disneyland, disnae gie the cunt the excuse
tae jump oot in front ay the bairn, ken.
(Irvine Welsh, "The Acid House")
NOTHING so difficult as a beginning
In poetry, unless perhaps the end;
For oftentimes, when Pegasus seems winning
The race, he sprains a wing, and down we tend,
Like Lucifer when hurl'd from heaven for sinning;
Our sin the same, and hard as his to mend
Being pride, which leads the mind to soar too far,
Till our weakness shows us what we are.
(Lord Byron)
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uXu #277 Underground eXperts United 1995 uXu #277
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