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Underground eXperts United File 240
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ Survive IRC ] [ By The GNN ]
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SURVIVE IRC
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
IRC - the drug of the nation.
Nowadays, Internet is a place free from the stereotypical computer
individual, namely the nerd. Pimpled teenagers with round glasses who
spends one-hundred and fifty hours every week in front of their home
computers is a phenomena that belongs to the past. If one want to meet
fools, one ought to call the local bulletin boards instead. The Internet
is a mature network with 'normal', political correct people who use the net
for strictly academic, scientific and informational purposes. On the
Internet Relay Chat, one can speak to these grown-up individuals. Oh yes.
Oh no. My God, who wrote the above mess? The truth is that on IRC you
will only meet socially retarded individuals, so you better read on to gain
knowledge how to survive there.
I will not blame you for even thinking the thought of connecting
yourself to IRC. If you have done it, that is ok. You are crazed, now
that is a fact.
Read on.
* THE PEOPLE ON IRC
The best thing with IRC is that you actually never meet the ones you
speak to (actually, you do not even have to SPEAK with them either).
Self-made descriptions of how people look like are wonderful, since your
weak mind unconsciously will fit them into almost all of your sexual
dreams.
For example;
<Joe> Describe yourself...
<Mia> I am blonde...uhm...blue eyes and rather good-looking breasts. :)
Mia's description of herself is great. Joe will probably stay online
for the rest of this century just to speak with her. Notice that Mia never
mentions that she is two meters tall and weighs more than the Empire State
Building.
Joe will not be forced to describe himself, since all girls know that
men with nicks like 'Mike', 'Joe' and 'Rambo' are all macho-men that are
aware of a womans most primitive needs. Joe's real name is however Nathan
Nash and when he is not online he listens to a name invented by his
friends; 'Mister Masturbation'.
As said, the best thing is that they will never have to meet each other.
However, there is a slight problem called WWW homepages. If Joe happened
to have his picture on his homepage, Mia could easily check it up and
discover that... well...that he in fact looked just like an actor!
Because who the hell is so dumb that he places his REAL picture on his
homepage?
* THE TALK
Now if you think that talking on IRC implicates that you should act as
macho as possible, you are wrong. You should not even try to act like a
normal healthy human being.
The code is; 'act like a nerd, but believe that you (nor anyone else)
actually is one'.
This code might be a hard one to get a grip on, but you will quickly
learn how it works.
<Malcolm> HI!
<CoolMan> Hello Malcolm!
-- CoolMan *HUGS* Malcolm!
-- Malcolms hugs CoolMan and everyone else here!!! I am sooo *HAPPY*!
You understand. The above example is not from channel #gaysex, but a
normal way of making new friends on IRC. Naturally, there is a possibility
of going to far. Exchanging tips about diapers is not alright, if you claim
that you will use them yourself.
Here is an example of how you should NOT behave;
<Force> Hello everyone, how is it going?
-- Dare *HUGS* Force!
<Force> Oh please, stop it Dare...
** Force has been kicked out of channel #boring by user Dare **
'Force' was kicked because he refused to conform to the ideas of what is
IRC etiquette. Because he wanted a normal chat, he was regarded as
'aggressive'.
However, you may be as aggressive as you want to if you just know how to
express your feelings in an appropriate way. Just follow this simple
dictionary;
What you want to say. How you ought to say it.
'FUCK YOU!' ----> 'You are not nice.'
'GET LOST!' ----> 'I will not hug you any more'
'IDIOT!' ----> 'You make me cry softly'
'MOTHERFUCKER!' ----> 'Now I am crying because of you'
... the rest should be easy to figure out by yourself.
Some normative suggestions of how to speak;
WRONG: 'I finished my last exam today so I feel rather relaxed...
time for a few beers soon I guess.'
CORRECT: 'I *HUG* everyone!!! I am so *happy* because I wrote my last
exam today!!! Time to open a bottle of Coca-Cola!!!!!'
WRONG: 'Why hello, nice to see you again.'
CORRECT: '<nick>!!!!!! I tickle you because I am so *happy* that you
are here my little cosy teddy-bear!!'
WRONG: 'I better be off... lots of work to do.'
CORRECT: 'I must be off and that makes be sad. :( I *CRY*!!! I love
you all! Now it is time to study some <whatever, preferably 'metaphysics
of cosy teddy bears' or equal>.'
Cry, hug people all the time, act like a child and you should do just
fine. Very fine. You might even get 'ops' if you are a complete moron.
'Ops' are magic little status devices that puts you in the divine position
of kicking people and changing topics on certain channels. You would not
believe what some people do for these.
* THE TOPICS
There are no rules of what you should talk about on IRC. Ha ha, fooled
you. Of course there are.
There are rules, but no topics. Actually, there is no order at all. If
you enjoy chaos, enter channel #talk and try to start a dialogue. You will
find sixty-four other users trying to do the same thing. The result?
Sixty-five people. Nothing more, nothing less.
<alarm> hello?
<death> HELLO?
<murder> IS THERE ANYONE HERE?
<destruction> TALK TO ME!
(fifty messages later;)
<alarm> hello?
<death> HELLO?
<murder> IS THERE ANYONE HERE?
<destruction> TALK TO ME!
Dr August Balle wrote in his book 'Suicidal People in the Brave New
World' that one of the strangest ways of suicide he had ever come across
was a man who had spent ten hours in front of his computer before he
suddenly jumped out of the window. The man had left a note that said; 'I
have no more friends. ProtoServ banned me from channel #shit. I have
nobody left in this world.'
(It is worth mention that two weeks later Dr Balle himself committed
suicide, after being banned from #shrinks by SigmundBot, due to the fact
that he openly claimed that Freud was 'a fake who only wanted to play
around with his own urine'.)
So...
* HOW TO SURVIVE IRC
Never enter. Stick to newsgroups. If you want to meet the individual of
your dreams, go to a pub.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
IRC-folk kommer att hata mig efter denna fil. Underbart.
Now for something completely different: IRC CHANNEL #uxu
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Smack him in the head - Smack him 'till he is dead.
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