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Underground eXperts United File 161
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Underground eXperts United
Presents...
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[ An Amazing Christmas Tale ] [ By The GNN ]
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"AN AMAZING CHRISTMAS TALE"
by THE GNN/DualCrew-Shining/uXu
(No, it is 'A amazing tale')
(Fuck you, it is 'AN amazing tale')
SUCKER! HA HA HAAA!
It was Christmas evening. Pete was desperately trying to find his dads
cars keys, which was obviously hidden somewhere in the house. His dad
hated him for borrowing the car without asking. Pete had looked everywhere
and now he had even crawled under his parents bed to look. The keys were
not there. A lot of dust entered his already cocaine-stuffed nose.
- Shit!
He slammed the door to his parents bedroom shut and went downstairs. His
mother stood by this years most distastefully decorated Christmas tree in
the kitchen and looked depressed. She had a cigarette in her mouth and
tried hard to light it with a blow torch, the only gift she had received
during the evening (except for the pornographic video 'Black Butt Busters'
("You need education my dear"))
- Where is dad? Pete asked and looked around in paranoia.
- Here, his mother answered without a sign of feelings.
- Here? I cannot see him? Is he in the living room? I guess I will
have to go there and...
His mother pointed at the tree.
- He is there.
- In the tree?!
Pete wondered for a short moment if his mother had stolen some of his
magic mushrooms.
- No, under it.
She was right. His father lay under the tree, puking and coughing, a
result after too much champagne and cigars.
Pete bent down.
- Eh... dad?
- Grumble... hick... cough.
- Dad, where are the car keys?
- A thief! Hick! My car! A thief! Die!
His father quickly stumbled to his feet and ran to the living room, where
he grabbed a unopened gift. He quickly teared the package apart and
grabbed the shotgun that was inside it. ("I bought it for personal
defense").
- Dad! Wait! It is me!
- Thief! My car! Intruder! Die!
Pete froze when his father aimed the gun at him. It was not everyday he
stared into the barrel of a twelve gauge. Well, it happened now and then,
but Pete had really excluded Christmas eve as a night for violence.
Especially from his father.
- Dad! It is me! You son!
- Who cares? Merry Christmas and a happy new year!
Pete's father pulled the trigger. Brain, blood and various other bodily
objects spread all over the kitchen.
- You have just shot your son, said Pete's mother.
- Urp... well, you wanted him to move to another place. Now he can move
to heaven and spend the rest of Christmas with Jesus. They can dance
around... hick... the tree. Pete, Jesus and God. He will have more fun
than we will ever have down here.
- I am so glad. You are a genius.
Pete's mother sounded quite ironic. They looked at each other with
neutral faces. Pete's father placed the shot gun on the Christmas table
and looked at his dead son.
- I am so sorry... please forgive me.
He kneeled in front of Pete's mother.
- Please forgive me... what have I done? Blood everywhere! This is
horrible, I have ruined your three days of cleaning!
- Oh, that is nothing to worry about. Come on, give me a hug and we will
forget all about it.
She grabbed Pete's father and pulled him up. She laid her arms around
him. A loud shot was heard. BOOM.
- What the...
Pete's father fell to the floor and landed on top of Pete. Blood squirted
from the stomach.
- Urgel... hick...
- Goddamn! You stupid piece of man! Why do you carry your revolver in a
shoulder holster on Christmas eve?
- Cough... personal defense...
*BREAK*
How to succeed in life.
1. Help fools to get rid of their money.
2. Blame the victim.
3. Tease adult men who weeps.
*BREAK*
Pete's father died. He looked quite annoyed when he, a couple of minutes
later, was forced to dance with his son and Jesus and God around the tree
in paradise. God just kept on singing shitty songs like "Jingle Bells" and
"Silent night, holy night". On top of everything, God had dressed himself
as Santa Claus. Pete's father wondered if Nietzsche was around. He would
probably pay good money for the extermination of God.
- I should have bought a pistol instead, Pete's father mumbled.
God immediately stopped to dance. Jesus however continued and did not
stop until he crashed into Pete's wide open gun shot hole. God stared at
Pete's father.
- WHAT? Do you own a fu... a GUN? God screamed while hiding his divine
Maschinenpistolen A4 ("A small bribe from Hitler") behind his divine back.
- Of course, Pete's father answered. To kill intruders. Communists. Are
you a communist? You wear red clothes. I see you have a beard. Like Karl
Marx.
God was in a rage. His face turned jolly red.
- You motherfu... GET OUT!
- With pleasure. Where is the divine exit?
God fumbled in his pockets. After a while, he took up a divine remote
control and pressed a divine red button. A divine trap door opened below
the feets of Pete's father. Satan laughed when yet another fool fell down
to his little charming amusement park.
- Greeetings... Satan whispered.
Pete's father was not aware that he had been sent to hell. He thought he
had, by some reason, been sent to some divine sauna.
- Charming place!
Pete's father placed a cigarette in his mouth.
- Charming! Have you got a lighter my friend? he asked Satan.
"He he", Satan thought. "More than enough".
(Oh, fuck this story)
THE END.
*BREAK*
How to really succeed in life.
1. Make jokes at funerals.
2. Steal from your friends.
3. Laugh at people who are newly married.
*BREAK*
*CRASH*
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Jingle bells, jingle bells, rave on, rave on...
SHUT THE FUCK UP! CALL THE STASH! +46-13-BANG
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Is it possible for a woman to get pregnant without intercourse?
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uXu #161 Underground eXperts United 1994 uXu #161
Call ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT -> +31-77-547477
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