Underground eXperts United File 095

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Underground eXperts United

 · 5 years ago

  

 
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                         Underground eXperts United 

                                 Presents... 

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         [   Feline Superiority   ]            [     By The GNN      ] 

 
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                            FELINE SUPERIORITY 
                          by THE GNN/DualCrew/uXu 
  
  
      "Listen fellow! You feed me, and I will not kill you. Got it?" 
                                    (Garfield, as "The Claw") 

  
  
  "Cats are more intelligent than humans!" 

  This controversial quote belongs to Dr August Balle who in his recent 
articles in the world-spread magazine "Shrinks Today" claims that our cosy 
and furry friends own a greater deal of brainpower than the human race. 
  After a long and cute description of his own cat "Sid Freud" he explains 
why he got this idea: 

  "One day, just after I had fed Sid I began to study the pictures on the 
cat-food can.  It was at that particular moment I noticed that the text on 
the can attracted ME and not Sid himself.  'Tastes wonderful', 'buy it' and 
'a new improved flavor' are not written to impress cats.  They are written 
to impress me!  Why?  The answer is simple - but yet true:  Cats do not 
trust commercials!  When did you see your cat stop by the TV and study 
the false promises that are presented to us every day, every fifteen 
minutes?  Never, I say!  Therefore cats have a greater deal of 
understanding, they do not believe in soft words and cheap tricks from 
smiling babes! Cats would never ever attend to a beach-party only to 
taste a chewing gum!" 

  August Balle then includes a statistic chart over how many cats that 
gamble, play cards or bet on horses.  The number is zero, except for the 
"mutilated communist" Ivan, a black cat that works for a russian circus. 
  August Balle comments: 

  "So, what conclusions could be drawn from this?  1) Cats understand that 
the chances of winning are very small.  Therefore they do not even bother 
to gamble!  2) Cats have fully understood the meaning of "money is not 
everything".  3) Cats spend more time with their personal hygiene than 
sitting in front of a TV only to get humiliated by some smart-ass who 
screams 'You lose!' over and over again." 

  There is also a comment to the recent election, from the cats point of 
view (of course still written by Balle). 

  "Here we all sit and get stuffed with strange arguments about taxes, 
taxes, taxes, niggers and Iraq from various smiling self-loving 
monkey-brains!  What do we do?  Laugh?  No, we run and VOTE for them!  This 
sick behavior is not shared with our small friends.  They simply roll over 
on the sofa and sleeps the Disneyland-like TV shows away instead of trying 
to understand something that cannot be understood by a normal animal 
without any mental illness!" 

  Later on Balle says: 

  "I want to see a cat in the White house!  A cat that will show his teeth 
to the public and roar:  'Read my tail!  No more dogs!  No more stinking 
Fido that shits on public places and rips children apart with their 
sharp teeth!" 

  The organization KAM (Kill All Men) reacted very strongly against Dr 
August Balle, when he claims that cats do not have the need for "vigilant" 
feminist clubs. 

  "Female cats know their place.  If a male cat wants to have sex, they do 
not complain.  Two male cats does not begin to 'analyze' and 'discuss' the 
reason why they both want to own the left part of the garden.  They solve 
their problems with violence, a truly good way and without the fear from 
that some female cat disturbs them with words like 'childish'.  Male cats 
do not need to play intellectual.  They do not have to enter shabby bars 
and quote Sartre to get laid.  Whatever they need, they take it!  Of 
course, with the help from human stupidity, some cats are not able to have 
sex since their balls have been removed and thus turned them into boring 
vegetables." 

  Balle ends his article with a fresh philosophy: 

  "Nietzsche is known for his 'God is dead' theory.  This is wrong.  God is 
simply a sleeping cat who does not bother to rule over humans.  This 
statement may sound strange to you normal people, but when I discuss it 
with Sid, he agrees completely with silence." 

 
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           Miaow!  Dig your teeth into the hand that feeds you! 
     Sharpen your claws on this sofa:  SEDES DIABOLI +46-586-FISHBOWL 
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                      A grand on the tortoise to win.