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Twisted Young Minds Expand 061
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=| T.Y.M.E. - Twisted Young Minds Expand | #61 by vYrus | 03/11/96 |=
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Who/Where Am I?
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I've been a typical stoner teenager these past few weeks, and everytime,
more and more recently, i've been having this weird feeling of unfamiliarity
with everything around me.
I walk down streets i live on, i go into stores i've been in a million
times in my life, i hang around friends i've known for half my lifetime,
and still, everything seems wrong. Houses and streets look like strange
houses in strange cities, and people aren't who i know them as.
Abbadon, my best friend for eight years (give or take) seems as if he is
someone i don't know, or someone i've just met and no almost nothing about.
BlindSpot, friend for 11 years, seems like a kid in a book, as if he were
a character in a movie.
Things seem as if i'm seeing them for the first time. Streets with new
development projects look like they've been built only recently, with empty
streets making the world looks desolate.
Cold winter air helps too. I had a point in my life where i'd take off
from my house and spend most of the night in the freezing late-autumn air.
Memories of that come back and haunt me, bringing with it the feelings of
unfamiliarity and thoughts of my former life. (long story)
Some of my friends have the same experience. They look around in confusion
as things so old seem so new.
Music is different. As i sit here listening to the Dead Kennedys (j3LL0
r00Lz), i can differentiate between each invidual instrument, listening to
each one seperately while ignoring the rest of the song. The instrument
sounds clear, each beat or chord seems to have an absolute specific purpose
(well, it does, but it's just different.) The whole song seems a strong,
soulful piece of work.
Hopes and dreams come into play. I begin daydreaming of one day moving
out, having a steady, well paying jobs, spending late nights at my dinner
table studying or doing homework, going to school, making plenty of money
to support myself without finacial problems. Throwing some of the best
parties seen in this part of Napa.
Dreams seem like life when recalled, and my memory is so bad, i can't
remember what we're having for dinner or movie i planned to record ten
minutes ago. Dreams, while happening, are fuzzy at best, and i get a lot
less sleep even though i sleep a lot longer then usual. Sleep is unful-
filling, and dreams are confused with reality. Waking up is the worst
feeling, for the jumble of thoughts is overwhelming in the morning.
Reading books and stuff. Very hard. While stoned, i cannot concentrate.
My gaze drifts to the wall and i start thinking of nothing and everything.
Trivial stuff. The construction of words, the meaning of life. Anything.
Sometimes i read an entire page over and over after drifting off so that
i can remember what happened in the last two chapters.
While i believe that my mental awareness is heightened, (of course, i'm
sure you think that's a typical drug user reaction, but try it, you'll feel
the same) i see the world from different viewpoints, and life seems a little
fuller. While on shrooms, i can stare at anything and it's absolutely
fascinating. While on acid, i can stare at a lit cigarette and watch each
molecule of paper burn bright orange and turn to dust, burning millimeter
by millimeter.
More about acid. Some of my most amazing experiences have been on acid.
Some of my most dangerous experiences were while on acid. I've only done it
three times so far, but they have all been extrordinary. I have had to stand
and stare a cop in the face while trying not to shake from nervousness, i've
spent two hours staring at a street lamp and then trying to follow that
little black dot that appears after you've stared at a light too long. That
little dot was so clear and so swift, it seemed as if it was changed from a
duck to a swan to a little face to just a black blob. Except it wasn't black.
Shrooms i have only done once. But everything and everyone seems so in
tune, so vivid, but i feel as if i am living someone else's life, and i
belong somewhere else. Smoking weed after that one shrooming experience
increased the feeling so dramatically i started to get scared.
Playing mud football while stoned, i just got up and started walking
away. Several hundred yards away, when i couldn't see or hear anyone past
the buildings around, i listened quietly, searching for anything familiar.
Birds seemed unreal, the clouds moving at fast paces, bringing rain, made
me lose my sense of balance. Trees seemed sad, and the blustering wind
against my wet skin and clothes brought tremors and shivers so violent, i
fell down huddling against myself. The world seemed futile, unforgiving,
as if nothing mattered and no-one cared. Even after my friends came over
and started fucking with me, they still seemed like strangers from another
place, a place i shouldn't be in.
Sometimes i wonder if this unfamiliarity is due to the fact that i could
actually be another person. Another mind takes over the one i have, with
all my memories and all my thoughts, but different. Immediate things are
not recognizable, and people are not my friends. If i am truly living in
another mindstate, what will happen when i continue doing this for several
more months, years? Will i switch entirely into another persona, forgetting
that i am in fact, myself? Or will i become a schizophrenic?
I'm scared.
This is intense.
.vYrus.
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