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Twister Issue 01
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ
ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ Ú ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ
ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ ÚÄÄ ÚÄÄ
ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸
³ 10/30/94 ÄÄÄ Issue #1 ³
ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ;
Huh?
Oh good, a new zine. Fuck me you say? Well, ok... it's not
new but it's a hell of a lot better than that other one I
started. Keep reading to find out what's the deal.
The Deal
For the first issue we're going to reprint a couple of files
from an old e-zine that didn't work out too good because I
lost interest in it. I thought there was a lot of good text
in that other one so it should be given a chance to be read.
After this, all other issues of Twister will be all new shit
so go ahead and read, but keep an open mind or none of this
will make sense.
Nope, there's not point we're trying to make, it's just lots of
good thoughts and humor, ok. So if none of this makes since
or stories seem out of place or contradictory, that's the fun
part.
For good measure we will ocationally throw in a bomb plan or
two for ya to keep busy with. These arn't gonna be reprints
from some anarchy mag. Everything here is completely origainal
because I'm getting sick of seeing the exact same plans in 5
differnt text files . . .
Might as well get started sicne I'm not very good at writing
these intro things.
d Reign (as'id rn)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-- Index Thingy --
-- Barney's Rampage by Dread Head, I'm not even going
to try to explain this one.
-- Step by step plans to build a chlorine compression
bomb... loads of fun!
-- `Mickey and the Man of Steel'. A story from the
editor of the new e-zine 'Caffine'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
==== Q U O T E S ====
Trent Reznor (1990)
(nine inch nails)
The thing that really pisses me off is when someone has some
elaborate interpretation of what I'm trying to say in one song,
or just reading too much about it, and getting it all wrong.
Dread Head (1994)
(Twister)
Let me ask you something, why are these things called 'joysticks'?
There's not really that much joy involved.
Chirs Barron (1994)
(Spin Doctors)
Pot kinda takes the lid off things, and you never know what's under
that lid.
=====================
Barney's Rampage
by Dread Head
Barney the dinosaur started getting ready for his next show. After
his regular before showtime shoot-up with heroine, he sat in his
black leather recliner and just mellowed out. He then realized that
he was out of Kleenex. Blackness surrounded him as a deafening roar
of "NNNOOOOOOO!!!!" echoed throughout the studio.
A stage hand then rode in on a small sleigh pulled by about 25 gophers.
"Whats a matter Barney? What is it? What the fuck is wrong, huh?!
What!!? WHAATT!!??? HUH? Speak up!! What is a matter!!?? WHAT??!!"
A teary-eyed Barney lifted his head from his hands, and softly
spoke, "I-I'm o-out of k-k-kleenex."
"Oh my sweet mother of mercy, not again! Those damn dressing room
people will rot in hell for this! But don't worry, we'll get you a
generic brand of kleenex from the supermarket."
Barneys eyes changed to a dark red color and he bellowed, "No, YOU
and your precious gophers will pay for this travesty."
"Please god no!," the stage hand screamed, "I worship Barney, Barney
is God!! My goghers do not deserve this unjustice. Just mutilate
me, Just me!!
By now the stage hand was on his knees, tears streaming down his
distorted face. The gophers looked at each other, very puzzled by
what was happening. Some of them feared Barney, Some of them
respected him, but most of them just took a little gopher dump right
where they stood.
Barney stood up and peeled off his House Of Pain t-shirt revealing
his rippling muscles. He skipped over to where the stage hand was
kneeling and picked him up by his upper lip. An evil purple
dinosaur smile spread across his face as he proceded to drag the
stage hand over to the leather recliner. Barney then went to his
secret combination safe that was hidden behind a picture of Pebbles
Flintstone. He opened the safe. It contained a bottle of mustard,
assorted rocks, a nude pin-up of Barbara Bush, a New Kids on the
Block cd, a nude pin-up of Rush Limbaugh, and duct tape. He picked
up the duct tape but realized to his horror that it had been sabotaged.
He tried to jump away, but it was to late. The duct tape exploded
sending most of Barneys right arm across the room.
The Gophers then broke into song:
Barney's lost his charm,
Now he can cause no harm.
We goghers planted a bomb,
And now he has no arm.
"It was you DAMN gophers, ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!" screamed an enraged Barney.
He ran toward the little rodents ranting and raving like a lunatic. But
halfway there he slipped in some Gopher poo-poo. He flipped around and
fell head first on the hard concrete with a crunch.
The Gophers then went on to take over the Barney show and made millions
in the process. The stage hand then took over the job of dealing the
heroine to the drugged-up Gophers.
DREAD HEAD
-----------------------------
- = Chlorine Compression Bomb = -
Created by much experimentation from Cannabis,
d Reign, and Feedback
The chlorine compression bomb is a dangerous, yet hysterical
way to get back at people that say... joked on your abnormally
large nose when you were a child. When we designed the bomb
it wasn't meant to be of the type that throws shrapnel (the
operative word here is 'meant') but it may be adapted in many
different ways to suit you needs. The purpose is to either
suffocate or scare the hell out of the victim... the effect
is determined by its size.
Equipment List . . .
1 Film Canister -- 35mm
1 Piece of Chlorine -- the size of a small rock.
1 Roll of Tape -- double sided works best.
3 Ounces of Turpentine -- umm... paint thinner doesn't work
(See the end of the document for a list of where to get this shit)
Creation . . .
1) Fill the film canister 1/4 the way full of turpentine.
2) Cut a piece of the tape about 4 x 2 inches.
3) Place the small piece of chlorine on the tape and
fold it over so that chlorine is exposed on both sides
but not the top or bottom.
4) Connect the tape to the rim of the film canister so
that the chlorine is hanging just above the turpentine.
5) Put the lid on the film canister (if it won't go on
tight because of the tape don't worry).
6) Now VERY Tightly, wrap lots of tape around the canister
until there is about 1/2 in. of tape on all sides.
Using it . . .
1) a. Pay back -- Throw it, works best inside a car or room.
b. If you really hate 'em -- shake and throw.
c. If you don't want to be around when it goes off -- make a
sticker with very small writing on it. Put the sticker
on the canister upside-down. The victim will turn the
canister over and put close to his face to read the
text . . . then, boom.
2) Deny everything.
Tips . . .
-- Never store a compression bomb. (Unless it's in the victim's house)
-- Causes cancer so don't practice on your friends.
Where to get the shit to build it with?...
Film canister: Simple . . . You usually can find an empty 35mm
canister laying around the house, if not you could
probably bum one from a friend.
Chlorine: The 60% chlorine tablets that are used in pools
will make about 25 bombs... find someone with a
pool and rip off a tablet.
Roll of tape: Real thick double sided tape is the best to use
for this. This tape is used to hold chunks of
material to jigs while using a pin router,
therefore it might be a little hard to find.
Don't even try masking tape, it's not strong
enough. If no double sided tape can be found
use duck tape.
Turpentine: Look in your garage, if none is in there just take
a little from your neighbor like usual. If you're
one of those loving, happy, trustworthy people you
can try the hardware store (but that's for the
weak-hearted).
-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-
This would be the perfect place to put
the disclosure if I didn't think they
were so damn stupid... d Reign
-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-==-
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
Mickey and the Man of Steel
or
Of Mice and Men of Steel
A story by Greedo
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#
I saw him just the other day. He was flying through the skies just
like a fucking bird. Man, you should of seen him. He was wearing that big
red cape of his. It was really nice, I mean if you are into capes and
shit. He was real cool looking, he had one fist in front of his body kinda
like it was pointing him in the direction he needed to go.
I watched him real good. He just kind of flew by and that nice red
cape flapped and then all the sudden he just kinda fell to the ground. It
wasn't like a rock fallen out of the sky. It was more like when you see a
paper airplane land and it has that nice gentle touchdown, and kinda moves
forward a bit. He didn't move forward at all though, he's the man of steel
ya know, and steel don't move anywhere it doesn't want to, but his cape
moved. The red folds kinda covered his whole body for a second.
That cape sure was nice.
He landed and all and he walked up to the place where all the other
important people talk. The cape kind bounced as he walked, boy was it ever
red. He stood before the microphones and that "S" on his chest kinda rose
and fell as he breathed. It was kinda funny to think of. I mean that
steel could move and all. Steel doesn't really twist or flex like that.
He coughed a few times also, I guess even giants get mucus in their
throats. That's what he is ya know, a giant. I only saw one other giant.
I killed him too.
I was a tailor in the village. "Killed seven in one blow," I said.
They all thought that was good of me. Took me to the king and all. I
thought killing seven flies was no big deal. They did. The king was
wearing a big red cape, not like the flying guys' though. His had the fur
of dead animals all around it and it didn't bounce when he walked.
The king told me about a giant that liked the village so much he wanted
to destroy it. I was scared and I figured they wanted me to make clothes
for him or something. They wanted me to kill the giant. Me a killer of
flies becoming a killer of giants. I did it then and I will do it now.
The giant didn't look so mean. He was kinda stupid. I was smarter than
him. That's real bad, me being a mouse and all.
I killed the other giant real fast. Tied him up and made him into a
park for the kids. I got a real pretty wife from it all. We have several
children. They don't look right though. A few have big ears like mine and
a head like their mom's. A few are normal except for a tail. The kids
kinda get laughed at. I feel sorry for my kids, their Papa is a real
loser. I kill giants though.
After the first one I got a wife and plenty of gold. It kinda made my
life until a few months ago. I got kinda into trouble with my
investments. I put money into stock markets and they fell hard. My money
got all used up. I started to drink. My wife didn't think I was doing
good so she went and told the Queen. Her and the King laughed and told her
to go back to her mutant children and mouse of a husband. Told her to make
me sew pants for a living. I couldn't do that. I kill giants.
I even have business cards that say so.
Anyways I was standing around the bar one day. My dog was
with me. Dumb fucking dog too. Named him after a planet or a philosopher,
i forget which. A guy, he had a bald head, came up to me. He looked all
rich and had a pretty green rock in a ring on his hand. The rock scared
me. It was real green. I think it would have gone real well with that red
cape. He said he knew of my work, and asked if I still killed giants. I
said yeah and handed him my card. I took another drink from my bottle.
Rot gut beer but the bar was still closed so I couldn't get good stuff, I have
a tab in the bar.
He said he wanted me to kill a giant in the big city. I was scared of
the big city, but i didn't tell the bald guy that. I almost asked him if
his head got sun burned but I figured a rich guy like him took care of
things like that. He offered me a lot of money. I took it and said I
would do my best. He said that either the giant would die or I would. I
kinda laughed and took another drink.
I went home and packed my bag. I got out my old scissors and put them
on top of my old clothes. I took a bottle of the good whiskey I had too.
The special stuff. My wife came home just as I was leaving. I told her I
was going to kill a giant. She laughed and called me a fucking lame ass
loser. I got a knot in my throat and left. I loved my wife. Maybe if I
kill the giant I can come back to her. No, if I kill the giant I will get
a new wife. I don't really love her I guess.
I got to the big city and he picked me up in a big black car. It was a
nice one. Real good bar in it. He offered me a drink, so I had three. He
told me the giant was the flying guy. He wasn't so big I said. He laughed
and called him a giant in other ways, maybe even a god. I never killed a
god before. I forgot about that though and called him a giant. I can kill
a giant.
I went to the park about noon. I had my big scissors all polished and
ready to get him. I decided I would just kill him and forget the park for
the kids. Anyway he was too small for a park. I got a beer before I went
to the park though. It tasted good, I bet killing a giant will make me
drink more. Who cares though? I will be rich.
He landed and he went to the speaking place and his cape was all red
and he looked like man more than a giant. I yelled at him and he looked at
me. The crowd kinda laughed. I ran at him and someone said not to run
with scissors. I killed the guy that said that. He made me mad I guess. I
hope he rots in hell with the other giants. I made it to the speaking place
and tried to stab him. He looked at me and then he twisted my scissors and
all. So I tried sewing him all up in his cape. He stopped me though. I
told him I killed giants. He said he wasn't a giant and that I was going
to jail. He looked at me like he had never seen a big mouse before. I
guess the beer and the running didn't do good for me. I threw up on his
nice red cape. It kinda ran down it and I hoped it wouldn't stain because
it looked like a nice cape.
He took me to the jail house and I was put in a cell. That's where I
am now. For some reason my head was spinning and I realized that I had cut
myself with my scissors. I was bleeding but no one noticed. I laid there
and thought about all the money I could have had if I killed one more
giant. I think I could have done it if it wasn't for that red cape. I
liked it too much to really hurt anyone that had it.
The moral of this story? Don't fuck with men in red capes even if you
can kill giants.
The characters in this story are copyrighted to Disney and DC comics
and I didn't get their permission to use them.
=============================================================================
=============================================================================
Got lots of good files for the next issue so keep reading
-----------------------------
Cryogenic Crypt
919-482-5824
No Ratios!
Completely Free
Megs of text online
-----------------------------
Use the info, don't just read it
--------
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