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True Cyberpunk 1
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PREMIERE PHOTO OPORTUNITY FRESH START CYBER BONUS HYPER ISSUE!!!!
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April 7-8 1993
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+ DISCLAIMER +
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By reading anything after this section you are legally saying to the
world that You are a disgustingly apathetic net-geek. You refuse to care how
other people express themselves as long as they are expressing themselves.
You're saying, Hey! I know that this E-Zine probably has cussing, lewd
remarks and other stuff like that, but Hey! I live for that and I wouldn't
ever sue anyone who uploaded this, printed this, distributed this, or most
importantly took any part in publishing this. Okay?
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-=[NOTICE]=-
If you recieved this file via an InterNET FTP site or your local
BBS you should have recieved it with the cover .gif file. If you
recieved it via our InterNET mailing list you did not get the gif file!!
If you want the cover gif send a disk (any kind other than flopticle or
audio!!!) to: True Cyberpunk
Box 5659
Rock Hill SC, 19733
Include two US stamps and a suitable envelope (pre addressed) or I will
gladely accept your gift diskette as my own!!! :)
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I have come to find that many of you out there want to be
CyberPunks, or think that you are already CyberPunks. Well posers here
is the easy to read monthly installed, wire your nutz, guide on
becoming a CyberPunk. It will be written in the form of rules, and
what myself and friends of mine have x-perianced.
Here we go:
RULE #1:
Everything is BullShit.
This is bullshit. Rules are bull shit. Anyone who tells you
what to be is an a$$h0l3. This article is stupid and inane. It's
entertainment, and in the American tradition of entertainment. THIS IS
BULLSHIT.
RULE #2:
Dealing With CyberJerkz
A CyberJerk is an idiot who thinks he/she/it is the biggest
hardcore motherfucker around. They are wrong. They haven't met me.
<g>. This is bullshit. Anyone who takes themselves that seriously
needs a pineapple up there a$$!
RULE #3:
AVOID WORK AT ALL COSTS
Boo Boo, sayz "Avoid work as much as possible. Sure you loose sleep
when you finally do have to work, and feel completely miserable, but;
hey, being lazy has more satisfaction than any real accomplishment
could hold."
RULE #4:
WORKING WHEN YOU'RE MADE TO DO IT BY THE MAN BY WHITIE BY THE OPPRESSOR
(you get the idea)
Never do your best. That's just a setup for disappointment. Think
about it. If you do your entire best now. Then you'll have to work
harder next time, and working harder means less time for bull5h1t.
Always apply minimal effort. Always make their clock fit yours. Always
take LOTS of breaks. The doughnuts at BiLo are good.
that's it.
RULE #5:
THE PROPER USE OF KEROSENE AND OTHER FLAMMABLES.
Sadly enuf, our society is for the most part so boring and confining
that the best fun is usually reduced to cheap sex, and arson (petty
theft, minor destruction, and cruelty to stupid people are allowable
substitutes). Cross reference with Big Black's / Atomizer / Kerosene.
RULE #6:
WE HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF RULE #6 YET.
Thinking is for idiots or people who haven't found better things to
do.
And now boys and girls, it's time for a story from the underground.
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So here we were passing through South Carolina when what did we
happen to come across? None other than the infamous MAN LAND,
otherwise known as the Catawba Nuclear Facility. Amidst the orange
smoke and the slightly mauve sky there was the ever present allure of the
main gate to the facility. The sign said, "Quality and Safety Go Hand
in Hand." We knew they were lying when we saw the radiation testing
equipment out lounging in the grass and the three legged dog licking
its wounds by the cooling unit. We came prepared for photo documentation
of our exploits, and the air was alkaline as we drove down the back
road to the rear security gate. This was the corporate ogre that held
down the brethren. The first photograph was of Nomad taking a leak on
the security fence, but we soon discovered that despite the presence
of a full moon, there wasn't enough light. By the harsh glare of the
'78 Dodge Aspen's headlights, Bear took a picture of me emptying
my bladder on the chained gate. We should have known better than to
burn the headlights so long. As I was taking quite possibly the
longest piss I had ever had, I noticed the plane rising on the
horizon. At first I thought nothing, but my god was it moving in
fast...straight for us. "For God's sake, run!" Zip up, shut up, and
hop in the car. Christ, the plane had to be moving at least 60 miles
an hour, and very low to the ground. Point of interest: no planes are
allowed to fly over such facilities except for plant security and
police. We were in deep doo doo. We hauled ass out of there fast and
proceeded into Inbred Land, a realm almost as frightening as the Man's
domain. We turned around and stopped for a photo opportunity, we knew
security was closing in, but hey, the smoke was pouring out at
hellacious speeds and it looked really great. Besides, it had to be
worth at least 1.3% of the cost of getting arrested. As we rocketed
out of Inbred Land a mutie ran out in front of the car. It was covered
in fur, had huge feet, long ears, and a white ass. Bear pressed down
on the gas, "We can't let this escape into society, imagine all the
innocent deaths!!!". "I've got to Kill it, I've got to kill it!" As
the Dodge lunged on its heels it leered its face around. "Oh my god,
STOP, Its cute!" Boo Boo screamed. He then jerked the wheel and almost
caused us to capsize. Unfortunately, the picture of the beast was too
blurred and hideous to publish here, maybe when you're older kids.
We then noticed one plane and one helicopter up in the sky. Being
extremely thick skulled and foolish, we ventured into the plant.
"Safety and Quality Go Hand In Hand." Yes, true, but this was
obviously no place of affection. This time a truck was circling the
lot, and we decided to go ahead and get the fuck out of there. We heard
the loudspeaker come on, and then we knew that it was not a photo
opportunity anymore. Bear drove up to the rear gate, Nomad was laughing
hysterically, I was wondering if that plane had a macro scope, and if they
had me urinating on film. At that point a big, gold stamped, security
vehicle tooled by at about 80 miles an hour. "Say he's going down
that back road isn't he?" More hysterical laughter, this time shared
by everyone. Lacking lucidity and sheer common sense, we decided to
affirm our suspicion and drive back down that road. We wanted to know
that our presence was observed. We pulled into an expensive
neighborhood, and while looking at the Man's lavish homes, we dropped
our guard, and stopped watching the skies. When we turned around, we
saw the plane about 100 feet above us, with flashing blue lights. All
this for petty trespassing and urination? "Holy shit!" The
accelerator roared and we proceeded to haul booty while screaming
insanely. The Man was casing us something fierce. To make a long
story short, we ditched the plane and decided to go straight home and
cut our losses. Sure, we didn't steal any rad badges or come out of
there with any evidence of mutation, or really accomplish much of
anything...so why did we risk arrest (worse yet, anybody ever hear of
police cover up? "Let's just take these boys around back and teach
'em a lesson.") To put it simply, just for the hell of it. We didn't
have anything better to do and thinking was out of the question.
Beside's, you can't imagine the seduction this place holds. An
unbelievable thrill. And that's the double truth, Ruth.
Boo Boo
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This issue of "True Cyberpunk" was brought to you by:
Moore's Buttered Popcorn and Nachos
Gatoraid Original Flavor
Ramen Noodles
Sunoco Gas Inc.
The Catawba Nuclear Plant and Energy Quest
McDonalds
and the letter 'u'.
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Special Thanks to:
Big Black, Bruce Sterling, William Gibson, Issac Asimov, Elvis, Spam,
Log, Velveeta, and all our processed food friends. V8 (Engines and
Drinks), Dodge, The United States Armed Forces, The penzoil Racing
Team, Nascar, Stunts Int. Flannel, IBM, Panasonic, Internet, JVC,
Katsuhiro Otomo, Akira Kurosaga, Boo Boo sends greets to, Kyo and her
Yakuza friends, Mr. Martyka, (Hi Paul), Davy 'Stalker' Wentworth,
Clarence, Thurston, Buffy, Chad, William Shallert, Patty Duke, Eddie
from the CCI Get Smart Prison Education Program, Amedeo (No more check
forgery, please), Harry, Dan (Stay off the pot and stop calling in
bomb threats at Clemson. Eventually they will press charges), Henry
and Ottis, all Glen Danzig bands, and Shuttlecock.
Bear sends a paw to, K&M Pets, South side Inbreeding,
Jim, Paula, and itty bitty baby Emily, The Freak Floor, all laser
light operators, INSOC, Kyle 'TopGun' Harrison, The Spartanburg Police
Force, The CIA (You don't have me yet! Im back on the NET!), and Abe
Lincoln. Nomad wishes to thank his pillow
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The "True Cyberpunk" Staff Roster
Boo Boo Bear Nomad and Thrash
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APPENSION (Added May 8 1993)
Well the cover advertised 'Photo's to prove it all'. Well our
photographer (and on staff clutz) fouled up the photos! We know he
didn't do it deliberatly so we won't hound him here! So in order to
save space the photos that came out as grey fields with white dots
in them have been left out!! But anyway we all still hoped you
enjoyed it!
Peace and Love!
Bear - editor
APPENSION (Added today)
I went back and got a better picture of where we were
look for it in an upcoming issue, it may be a cover!
