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Toxic Shock 092
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"Oh my God, he did an ASCII Fetus drawing!"
Toxic Fucking Shock presents
Stud Trashing Master's "Doobie Smokin"
by K-Rad Awesome Stud Trashing Master
Edited by Andrew Die Slay
..er..
Gross Genitalia
Toxic File #92
Centre of Eternity 615.552.5747 40 megs 750+ files HQ of Toxic Shock
"Christian propaganda is like Tupperware - Once the shit's locked in it's
sealed in there forever."
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Editor's Notes: The following guide is really and completely true. I mean,
STM knows what he's talking about. Honestly, he's a really ]<00l g-narly
d00d. He has a big ego but that's okay, you should trust everything he
says because he a r-EE-le respectable k-rad d00d! I mean, he taught me
absolutely everything I know about anything that ever is and WAS... like
shitting with pleasure and restaurant phun with little packets of ketchup
and shoving dead animals up my ass and running around town naked with
knife hanging out my nose and... whew, can't even go on because this guy
is a gnarly bitchin def fresh KEEEENNN-0 d0000dzdz!!
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Hi d00dz, I'm Stud Trashing Master, and I know how to trash and party and
get REEEEEALAALLLLLYYYY fukt up! I'm so c000000000l I just DON'T know WHAT to
DO with myself. I mean shit, I went trashing last week with Taran King, Dave
Letterman, Tuc, Video Vindicator, Electronic Rebel, Dispater, Swamp Rat,
Franken Gibe, Tequila Willy, the rest of cDc, Gross Genitalia, Bloody
Afterbirth, Fetal Juice, and Dr. RipCo (because I wanted to cheer him up after
his board got taken away by the motherfuckin fuckin fuck fuck cops and also
to show off my reeeealeee bad ass trashing tek-neex. I told them all to stay
in the car becuz they might get hurt so I went into a dumpster and found two
UNEATEN Whoppers and took a Chicken McNugget from a bum that was there and hit
him in his head because I'm a bad ass die slay killer bitch kill fuck damn shit
pillage make people burn and get outta my way burn fuck rape old ladies eat
shit die slay jumble shop Big Lots!
By the way, never mind!
But anyway, the whole trashing thing was boring becuze I had soooooOOOO
many credit cards (the real things, not those fukin CARBONS like all U wimps
get you fuck shit bitches!) I didn't know what to do and I found fifteen
Telenet logins but wouldn't give them to Swamp Rat who wanted to put them in
a cDc phile so I said "Die die slay fuck dogs rape your mother worship Satan
kill Fundys eat shit rape wrinkly pussied women and dogs fuck shit bitch blah
blah FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT SHIT DAMNIT goddamnitibbidybimo!"
Well I just want Y00 to gno, between you and me, that *I* was the one who
wrote EEEEEVRYTHING in the first issue of the Flaming Fetus from Toxic Shock
because they were too humble and I decided to show everyone just how
intelligent I really am and if you don't believe me ask Bloody Afterbirth and
he'll tell you to kiss his a$$ becuz you are just TOOOOOOO stupid to know any
thing so go all the way to he!! and say he[[0 (my mommy won't let me say the
real word, honest! But I raped her and killed her last week and ate her kidneys
really!) to Satan because he's my best friend and I know him personally and you
don't so fuck fuck off die slay bite my hairy ass oops... it's not hairy cuz
I shave it and my genital hair too becuz I'm special so nyah bitch fuck!)
Anyway, this file is s'posed to be about HOOTER SMOKIN' doncha KNOW??!!?!?!
Yeah, well last week my brother, Stud Pillage Burn Killer, the most awesome
nuke-em-out-the-ass killer slay ax murder d00d in the WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY,
well, the ENTIRE U-KNEE-VURZ, and my awesome humble self got a hold of some
REEEEEAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY g00d kwalitee DOPE dudezz, I mean like this shit was
bitchin' ass demonweed!!!! (ED: The shit was harsh as fuck and probably had
as much THC as a corn in a baby's turd but hey, that don't matter, read on
Excellent Dudez!) But anyway, Stud Pillage Burn Killer rolled up a big fat
reefer (I ain't learnd howz 2 yet so FUCK OFF die slay piss in Mason jarz
cuz I'm going to learn soon from Gross Genitalia! He told me he'd show me how!
Well actually I already know but I'm just SOOOOOOO humble and I can't show off
now can I fuck fuck fuck MOLEST CRUCIFY DEFECATE!)
So we had like this REEEEELLLEEEE good dope and we were smokin it and I
almost got choked because the shit was SOOO strong (ED: He doesn't know how to
take a hit worth shit off a damned doobie, BUT...) so my kid sister came in the
room and hit me on my back and tried to give me the Heimlech maneuver cuz she
thought I wuz dyin and shit so I turned around and threw a right cross and
knocked the bitch cold. Well my bro was laughin his ass off so I went in the
kitchen and got a meat cleaver and came back and started hackin and the bitch
cuz I'm just TOOOOO k00lzzeblahskibimo for her so hack hack fuck fuck piss eat
shit bitch die SLLAAAAAYYYYY!!! Anywayz, we got back to smoking this keen-0
jammin dope (really, it was the best! Doncha wish you knew where my bro gets
such GOOOOD dope you pathetic fuckin idiot SCHMUCKS??!!?!?!?!?) Well, since
I can't tell ya that my bro gets his dope from a friend in Missouri, I guess I
can tell ya l0zr d00dz how to smoke the good shit you might get, although
NUTHIN you get is gonna be as good as this shit --<<((++**I'VE**++))>>--
got right here in this Ziplock bag, sealed with a Sesame Street Friends
Band-Aid and a super-absorbent Kotex pad for X-TRA protection!!! REALLY, that's
what the box sayz!
Well anywayzzznesses... the first thing U do is get some really prime dope.
Like, aren't I just SOOO cool and bad for knowing this? Oh gosh gee, I amaze
me! Whoa, a rhyme! In time! My God I must be stonededed AGAIN... I'm just such
an awesome poet I think I'll put myself on display at the Smithsonian for
EEEEvryone in the World to come marvel at. I'm the eighth wonder of the world!!
(ED: Really, he is! Scientists have proven it by geometric equations! This
dude is SOOO keen-o bitchin rad jammin and juked out shit and he loooooves to
kill people too!)
So anyhow, you get yerselves some rolling papers. I make mine from Mead
notebook paper I use at school to draw naked pictures of my English teacher
but that kinda burns your mouth off. But honest, my mouth doesn't have a
burn scar on it becuz I'm just WAY cool and I'm totally resistent to disease
and pain and violence becuz I cause it and don't get and I'm rubber and yer
gloo, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to yoo! Nyah! (ED: Honestly,
I can't stress enough how BAD STM really IZ!!! But I'd suggest getting a book
of Tops rolling papers and stay away from newsprint or notebook paper.)
The next step...is a secret!!!! Don't you wish you KNEW IT!!!!?!?!?!?!?
Well ***I*** do, and not even my k00l-bitchin brother DUZ!!!
Well since you're all so stupid, next you take your rolling paper and fold
it up a bit, but not TOO much because all you fucking GEEKS can't HANDLE a big
quantity of dope at once like ***I*** can!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm BADDDDD!! Now
fold up the cornerz and you got yerself a pouch to put your mediocre dope in.
Really, I know this honestly truth on Boy Scout honor that it's mediocre becuz
only my bro can get GOOD dope worth smokin!!!! DIE DIE DIE SLAY SHRED RIP!!
So take this dope-filled pouch and start rolling it up the paper. Every
couple rolls take the pouch and roll it back and forth a bit to even the dope
out in the pouch. Oh yeah, I said I didn't know how to roll a doobie. Wellll...
my bro just taught me a minute ago so FUCK FUCK YOU!!! Now go masturbated like
I....nevermind!
Well anyway, roll it on up and get the dope all evened out so you won't
get too much and kill yourself!!!! Cuz *I'M* the one that's going to kill you
and use your corpse for all kindz of fukt purposes so just die kill lay over
play dead eat shit fuck mumble jack shit doody jumbo DEAD PEOPLE -R- K00L!!!!!!
So now you've got it rolled up, twist it at both endz 2 keep yer dope in!!
Cuz if it falls out I'll find it and pile it together with other pepulz spilt
dope and roll me up a hellacious hooter and smoke smoke smoke and get reeeeel
HIGH!@!@!@!@!
Well now take your Bitchin Bic and fire that baby up and like take a drag
off it (oh my, like I forgot, you're all so stupid you don't even know what a
DRAG is! Geezus on two popcicle sticks!) And like so all U geek won't torch
yerselvez cuz you can't take in good dope cuz yer all PUSSIES!!!!!... hold the
hooter away frum yer mouth and take it in along with sum air so it like won't
be so harsh. Gosh, I amaze myself.... cuz I can take it and and smoke half
a hooter in ONE DRAG!!!!! (ED: Honestly, he can!!! I've seen him do it!!!!)
Now in case yer havin trouble getting the shit down there, take the hooter
and stick about 1/3 of it up yer ass and get it all greased up. Now pump yer
anal muscles to get some smoke up there and let one of yer friends (but don't
share any dope with them!) stick his/her tongue up there and inhale the smoke.
Then let him/her blow the smoke back in yor mouth like a k00l kat! And then
take a big drag off the doob and the smoke and burnt shit will pave your throat
and lungs for anything!
Oops, I just gave away my secret for smoking half a hooter in one drag!
Oh well, I got SOOOOOO many more secrets that NO ONE knows but *&^ME^&* and
only *I* can get reeeeeeal enjoyment from tokin up.
But anyway, now you got yer reefer goin, and you might pass it around to
a couple of friends now that you are a REAL STONERZ kinda d00d. So once yer
all high, and probably buttfucking each other, hang a cleanerz bag from the
ceiling and light it with yer Bitchin Bic!!! Like it's SOOOO cool to watch
this shit go while honestly and officially STONED!!! Yeah, I'm the one who
INVENTED this idea and it's COPYRIGHTED so if you use this without my
supreme and God-like permission I'll hunt yer ass down, steal yer drugs, and
just rip out yer guts and eat them then spit bile all over you and pour acid
in your abdominal cavity and scream things about blood and guts and death to
make you puke all over yourself and then stomp stomp mutilate jump skydive
fuck fuck shit all over yer face and then FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKCKCKCKCKCKC!! !!!
Well one time by using this exCLUSIVE method of doobie smokin' (and of
course employing my own little "secrets") I got like SOOOO fuckin high my
brother had to peel me off the ceiling!!
Oh yeah! Well, forget it!! You couldn't handle it!!
But anyway, I was like so high and I ran out in the yard and stripped off
all my clothes and fucked the cat fucked the dog fucked a tree fucked the car
then ate grasss and dirt and ran down the street and sat on a fire hydrant and
let that metal tip squeeze up into my ass (I only remember all this cuz my
brother told me so laterz...) and it felt so good I rode up and down up and
down and masturbated and it was SOOOO good cuz I was like FLYING over da MOON.
So anyway a cop came and tried to arrest me so I came all over his face and
shit on his spit-shined shoes and was so fukt up d00dz, that like I picked
up a sewer grate and slammed it down over the cops head (the one on his
shoulders you DOOFUS!!) cuz I just had sooo much super-strength and like it was
soooo neat and the neighbors were all around and I was yelling like "Fuck you
die slay pillage burn hey that's almost my brother's name shop Big Lots molest
babies eat shit bang elderly people blow up nursing homes nuke die slay fuck
shit bastard bitch damn cock cunt sex orgasmic secretions in Neo-Yuppie's
coffee!!!!*!*!*!*!*!!!*!*!!*!" and everyone ran in fear cuz they knew I must be
SOOOO kool they couldn't stay around and look at my bee-YOOO_tiful naked body
any longer so the cop was dead and I stole his car and drove off and cliff and
jumped out and grabbed hold of a branch and ran it in and out in and out of my
ass and it felt so GOOOOD that I had the strength of ten men and climbed back
up the cliff and walked home... all 20 MiLES..and got dressed and sat down to
read National Geographic cuz I was soberin up and so I drank a fifth of
Absolut and had some reeeallly good too-kee-la!!!! So like my parents got home
and I thought about raping my mom but like my dick was throbbing from cumming
all over the cop so I just &HAD% to go roll up another doobie and smoke it
becauz I'm so BITCHIN KEEN RAD FUCK SHIT AWESUMMMMMM!!!!!
Well anyway, another hint, if you got some really bad stash and it's just
TOO bad for U to handul, you kould mail it 2 me, or if yer feelin like a real
nigger (not like those things you see on TV) then maybe you could soak it in
some rubbing alcohol or ammonia, or maybe even some Massengill's douche like
I do...
FUCK FUCK FUCK goddamnitski shit shit slay rape cow embyros!! I just gave
away my hardest kept secret!!! Oh shit!!! Well, okay assH0lz, so now you kn0
the primo seret of my awesome self, Stud Trashing Master and doobie smokin'
expert. If ya got bad dope (hey, that's not to say that I ever have BAD DOPE!
I got good Missouri shit and Kentucky sinsi!!!) then soak the shit in mild
vinegar and water Massengill's douche. I steal mommy's and she always wonders
where it goes to but I just say I douche my little sister for phun and s0 she
just sendz me 2 my room without supper (but HA! She never does know that I've
already eaten barbequed MAYOR! And they wonder why the mayors are always
disappearing! And I tell my mom 2 vote for the next mayor that I think looks
good and meaty and will make for good necrophiliac se... oops! Nevermind!)
Well I'm like just so TOOOOOOOtally pissed now that I've revealed my
bestest secrets to U geek l0zr schmoozers. So here's a final summary of good
hooter smokin from my awesome and now depressed self. Fuck off.
Guidelines for good Douchy-Dope Doobie Smokin'
----------------------------------------------
1. Get the dope, no matter how bad it is.
2. Soak the dope in Massengill's mild vinegar and water douche for two days.
3. Get rolling papers.
4. Form a pouch by foldin the fuckin corners and makin a fuckin pouch for yer
fuckin dope. Roll the shit up and occasionally roll the pouch in yer thumbs
to even yer dope out. Fuck fuck fuck.
5. Twist the damned fuckin ends.
6. Light the fuckin hooter and take a fuckin drag.
7. Smoke the hooter
7b. If havin trouble holdin yer toke, hold the hooter from yer mouth and take
in air with the dope.
7c. If you still are SUCH a FUCKIN PUSSY, then stick the hooter 1/3 way into
yer anal orifice and contract and expand the muscles. Let a friend take
the smoke out and blow it into yer mouth. Smoke, the shit-laden hooter and
now you can take big big drags like I can. Fuck fuck you die slay.
8. Get really high and go masturbate and cum off on a cop. Really, it's lots
of phun and phreakin' ass shit. Then drive the cop's car off a cliff.
8b. Some more phun, light cellophane hangin from a ceiling.
8c. Even more phun, fuck small animals (i.e. neighbor's pets, neighbor's kids)
Well like now I've told you how to smoke a hooter and get high off even the
most shitty of mary jane, and revealed all my secrets fuck fuck shit damnit
I'm so pissed, don't bother to ask me any questions because I'm so damned
much better than U d00dz.
[ED: Well that's it, and it's true, and it WORX!!! Like I've smoked soooo
much mary jane using this method and the cops of this town are just
drippin with jism!!! So like try it, and B lookin 4 MORE k00l and TRUE,
honestly, good shit from Stud Trashing Master, the Trash and Phreak
Expert and Doobie Smoker Extraordinaire!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Quite obviously this is a parody of things real and unreal, of things
nondiscord and in accord, and Prelude and Civic...
I don't see anyone of any IQ taking it seriously although there are some really
bizarre people in the world... be on the lookout for people smoking with
big brown stains around their mouths...
(c) August 1990. Toxic Shock / Gross Genitalia. TSF #92.
If you or someone you love wants to be a Follower of the Doctrine of Fetus,
apply at Centre of Eternity. It is back online now, with all Toxic Shock
files online and fresh with the Gift of Fallopia.
