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Toxic Shock 082
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-PRESENTS-
- Clever Hans -
:Translated by Jack Zipes for the Complete Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm.
:Freshly Squeezed by Fetal Juice
:Toxic File #82
!What can I say? I got bored, so I sat down and started reading some cool
shit.. I thought I'd share the power of my two dear and personally dead
friends Wilhelm and Jacob.... Also I got annoyed at the fucking page breaks
this commie piece of shit word processor produces so I nulled the muther
fucking print return routines that annoyed me with a monitor. Thank God, and
your god too for that matter for block cut and paste.
!Ever notice how purple cows seem to point, in a general fashion, just to the
left of major commercial airline flight windows?
!Will that Damn printer ever stop humming?!?!?!?!?
!Fuck a sheep, they like to be used.
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING, Hans?" his mother asked.
"To Gretel's," Hans replied.
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel," Hans said.
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretal gave him a needle.
"Good-bye, Gretel," Hans said
"Good-bye,Hans."
Hans took the needle, stuck it in the hay wagon, and walked home behind
the wagon.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a needle."
"Where'd you put the needle, Hans?"
"Stuck it in a hay wagon."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have stuck it in your sleeve."
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretal gave Hans a knife.
"Good-bye, Gretel."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans took the knife, stuck it in his sleeve, and went home.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a knife."
"Where'd you put the knife, Hans?"
"Stuck it in my sleeve."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have put it in your pocket."
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretel gave Hans a kid goat.
"Good-bye, Gretel."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans took the goat, tied its legs together, and stuck it in his pocket.
By the time he got home, the goat had suffocated.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a goat."
"Where'd you put the goat, Hans?"
"Stuck it in my pocket."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have tied the goat to a rope.
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
Gretel gave Hans a piece of bacon.
Hans took the bacon, tied it to a rope, and dragged it along behind him.
The dogs came and ate the bacon. By the time Hans arrived home, he had the
rope in his hand but nothing attached to it anymore.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a piece of bacon."
"What have you done with the bacon, Hans?"
"Tied it to a rope, dragged it home. Dogs got it."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have carried the bacon on your
head."
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
"Where are you going, Hans?"
"To Gretel's, mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place."
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
"Gretel gave Hans a calf."
"Good-bye, Gretel."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans took the calf, set it on his head, and the calf kicked him in his
face.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing. Got something."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got a calf."
"What have you done with the calf?"
"Put it on my head. Kicked me in my face."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have led the calf to the
stable
and put it in the stall."
"Dosen't matter. I'll do better next time."
"Where are you going, Hans?".
"To Gretel's, Mother."
"Take care, Hans."
"Don't worry. Good-bye, Mother."
"Good-bye, Hans."
Hans arrived at Gretel's place.
"Good day, Gretel."
"Good day, Hans. Have you brought me anything nice?"
"Didn't bring anything. Want something from you."
"I'll come along with you," Gretel said."
Hans took Gretel, put a rope around her, led her into the stable, tied
her
to a stall, and threw her some grass. Then he went to his mother.
"Good evening, Mother."
"Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?"
"At Gretel's."
"What did you bring her?"
"Didn't bring her a thing."
"What did Gretel give you?"
"Got nothing. She came along."
"Where have you left Gretel?"
"Led her by a rope and tied her up in the stall and threw her some
grass."
"That was stupid of you, Hans. You should have thrown friendly looks at
her with the eyes."
Hans went into the stable, cut out the eyes of all the cows and sheep,
and
threw them in Gretel's face. Then Gretel got angry, tore herself loose, and
ran away. That was how Hans lost his bride.
(c)opied right from the listed source..Fetal Juice/Toxic Shock July 1990
