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Toxic Shock 039
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presents
Late-Night Canoeing
by Gross Genitalia
Toxic File #39
Centre of Eternity 615.552.5747 HQ of Toxic Shock and The Esoteric Society
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Odd. Whilst sitting here tonight I got the urge to go canoeing. Of all the
wonderful things I could be doing, of all the women I could be sleeping with,
of all the mixed drinks I could be chugging, I wanted to go CANOEING. And I
will follow this notion. I want to go canoeing damnit, I want to go NOW.
I will take along my dog. Yes, er, my rabbit too. Why not bring the computer
and a cellular phone? I go to the lake. Odd. The fish are purple and green.
There are aliens everywhere. The entire Unsolved Mysteries crew is here. Hey,
I will be on TV next week. I do not want to die. So I will go canoeing now.
Excuse me, I must urinate before I go. Tinkle tinkle SPUTTER SPLAT. Sorry,
I killed a carp and a basking turtle. But it is nighttime. So I am paddling.
I'll call Tudor Nightmare Village. <beep beep beep> dials my phone. There
is a logon screen. "If you are reading this then your modem is malfunctioning."
Oops. Maybe they're right. I'll hang up. After all, I'm here to canoe. Why do
I get these strange urges to do odd things in the middle of the night? I will
paddle. Pop some No-Doz to keep awake. Paddle. Damnit this monotonous paddling
shit sucks. I'll pull out my trolling motor cause this paddling SUCKS. Wow.
Aren't we having fun?
I'll fix a cup of coffee. Maybe that'll keep me awake. And get some Coffee
Mate to cream it up a little. Slurp. Oh SHIT that wasn't COFFEEMATE! That
was fuckin LSD! Oh shit, I'm gone now. Please identify my body when I'm found
dead, floating at the top of the river being decomposed by little aquatic
fucks who think I'm fish food. Oh shit why do I do these things? I'm halfway
asleep and I'm about to go on an LSD trip. Whoa demons. Where's this? I'm
in HELL? I'm a cockroach. They're fumigating. Pssshhhhhhh the spray is every
where. I'm feeling lightheaded. I'll go for a swim and let the boat catch up
with me.
Gurgle is this WATER? Hello fish. I'm horny. Let's make passionate love.
Nah, I'd rather have a nice snapping turtle. Why am I gasping for air?
I think I'm drowning. Nah, I'm just a little FUCKED UP right now. I can't
see! I'm on an island. And there are Chinese hookers all around begging to
suck one of my many dicks. I have a DICK growing out of my NOSE! And some
Russian whore is riding it like no tomorrow! But I am canoeing, so I pay no
attention to the nasal sex. It can't happen. It's anatomically impossible.
But how then, is my foot coming out of my ear? Nevertheless I am canoeing.
I will call up the LL Cool J 9-line. No, I am out of my calling range. So
I'll call Dial-A-Porn. Who the fuck needs LL Cool J anyway?
Hello, is this Hot Sex? Yeah, I'm in a canoe right now and I... no really,
I'm calling from a fuckin canoe! You don't believe me? Well here. I'll put the
phone in the fuckin water and let you FUCKIN hear the FUCKIN FISH! <Splash>
Damn I feel funny. I think I am electrocuting myself. But no matter. I am
canoeing and pretty fucked up I must say. Fuck the phone I don't need it.
Ooops it's hooked around my ankle so I'm drowning now. Gurgle gurgle. Wait,
give me a minute and I'll pull into this marina here and buy some rope to
pull me up out of the water. I buy some rope and save myself from drowning.
But the man putting gas in my canoe is a demon with 9 heads. Wait the fuck.
This is a canoe! I don't need GAS! <Fart> but I have gas. That triple-beef
extra-cheese double-pan pizza didn't help too much. Neither did the box of
No-Doz and that shit I THOUGHT was CoffeeFuckinMate. But I think I'll call
up Ripco from my canoe. Yeah, like is this Ripco? Well I'm in a fuckin
canoe in the middle of the Amazon River an... what? You don't believe me
either? Well FUCK you!
I'm really high now. I think I'll drink some takela to calm me down. Aaah
that's better. Oh my dog wants some. Here pooch, don't get too drunk. Want
some PCP? Nah. I love my dog. Fuck me dog. I'll fuck my dog now. Don't be
rude. Close your eyes and don't peek while my dog and I fuck. <Whumpa whumpa
BARK WOOF!> Aaah there's nothing like fresh dog cum to make a lovely serene
canoe trip. Hey how's this? I'm on two trips at once. Did I forget to mention
I accidentally took LSD instead of Coffeemate? Well hey, it's a common fuckin
mistake. I'll tie my dog to the bow of the boat and let her pull the boat
in her teeth. <WOOF!> I hope I didn't kill the poor thing. Damnit I'm going
to kill myself. Yeah I know it's not as much fun as a canoe trip but I'm bored.
I'll just take this nice little revolver and BOOM I'll be on a third trip.
A death trip. Fuck you I know I'm talking to myself again.
Nah I won't do that. How's it holding pooch? I think I'm coming off my
LSD trip now. The demon in front of my forehead is becoming much less blurry
now. Yeah, that's it. I think I am going to live. If I can just remember
where the FUCK I live... yeah, I live back up the river some hundred miles
or so. I'll just pack all this shit up and ride my skateboard back home.
I'll stand up and see if I can catch some fresh ai..
[The canoer was inadvertently killed when his dog, in retaliation for such
cruelty, shot the canoer three times in the groin area and stated that all
dogs will be liberated and the canoer fell into the river and drowned.]
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(c)1990 Toxic Shock.
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