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Toxic Shock 034
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presents
Cat Music
by
Bloody Afterbirth
Toxic File #34
!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@
While listening to some Slayer (Reign in Blood if you're interested) the
other day, I had this wonderfully terrible idea about how to make music..
With CATS! I can't stand the little fuckers, but I think I can learn to like
the damn things now... Read on.
*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&*^$@!#%&
We all have a little bit of musician in us. At least, all of the males
of the species do, and since we're superious, we're all that matters. Well,
not all of us can afford to buy a jammin' keyboard or a bad ass gee-tarrr, or
a harmonica or... OR.. Not all of us WANT one of the above.
Well.. For all of you headbangers out there, there is NOW an alternative
to expensive instruments. CATS! Yes! These fur balls are cheap ("Free To
Good Owner", you can act good for a LITTLE while cancha?), and they can make
the most wonderful sounds. . . Yer parents ever say you listen to Cat
Strangling music? Wellllll...They have the idea!
Yes! Go round up 7 cats. Not kittens, they're no good, you need full
grown cats, preferably female. All females should be used and abused, not
just the human bitches. Ok. Now, you go get a 2" by 8" piece of wood, about
3 foot long. Strap the cats to the board, side by side. You will also need a
rubber mallet.
Have all that? Good! Now.. The 7 cats correspond, obviously, to the
notes you can hit. Want a note? Hit a cat! From the left, the notes are
C-D-E-F-G-A-B, same with the damn cats. Want to play some music? Ok...
Slam the mallet into the cat's back! A somewhat hard hit will give you
the "middle octave". Hit 'em softer and you'll go down in octave, knock the
hell out of them and you can increase the octave. That's the simple part.
After a few hours of banging on the Feline Xylophone, you might want to
learn new tricks. Know the way guitarists can make their guitars screech,
using the bar? Welllll.. YANK on a tail of a cat and your screech will be
better than any guitar can ever be. The harder you do it, the higher the
screech goes. (Pitch bending works the same way)
Need a vibrato effect? Hold the cat's head with one hand, slam the
mallet into it with the other, and then shake the hell out of its head..
Vibrato!
Need the notes to sustain? When you hit the cat, push down on it and
force the air out of its lungs, it will carry the note for a long time, and
sounds pretty cool, too.
The harder and faster you hit, the better it'll sound. If you get really
good, like I am, you can do Slayer so good that not even THEY could tell the
difference!
(c) 1989 Toxic Shock
The Followers Of Fetus
Bloody Afterbirth
Fetal Juice
Gross Genitalia
and some another dude.
