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There Aint No Justice 121
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #121 |
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs 12: -
"Angel, why am I so blind?"
by Hairy
things that have happened:
beth came over out of the blue the night after we had our little "encounter".
i wasn't expecting her, and i would have been a whole lot happier if she
hadn't come back. i talked to her for an hour or so, and then teli came over.
this took the burden off of me, at least. i let them do whatever they were
going to do, and went to sleep on the floor.
i woke up to find teli in my bed, beth gone. it was 4:30 in the afternoon.
teli said she left in the morning, and he just went to sleep. whatever, it
didn't make a difference to me.
i went out for awhile, came home to heather talking to my answering machine.
i made the mistake of picking up the phone. she was in deleware for some
reason, and she was going to take the train back here to go to some coffee
house in red bank. she used to spend a lot of time there, she said, and as
tonight is it's last night before it goes out of business, she wanted to be
there. she convinced me to go and meet her there, even though i really didn't
feel like it.
i showered and dressed and combed my hair for the first time in a week, drove
off to red bank. i sat out in front of the place for a little more than an
hour before i got sick of the whole thing. red bank is filled with rich or
pseudo-rich college brats, all smug and secure in themselves. you know the
type.. never a hair out of place.. after an hour of listening to their boring
witless conversations, waiting for a girl i didn't even want to see, i just
couldn't take it any more.
i left, drove the thirty minutes back home, had two stale tacos and a flat
soda, and played the string of messages off the machine. you called. you told
me your last name - again. heather called and apologized, droning on and on
about the traffic and how sorry she was.. beth called, "call me when you get
in".. the same message she always leaves, even though i haven't called her in
over two years..
i wasn't upset about heather not showing up - i was pleasantly relieved. it
just bothered me that the whole silly thing made me miss your call. i could
be fine and upstanding and normal and call you back, but i'm no good at that
sort of thing.
they finally fixed my car. it's driveable again, even though the brakes work
about as poorly as they did when all this started. i'm not complaining,
though.. they promised to give me an inspection sticker for my now 12 month
overdue car. that'll come in handy when i have to go see the judge for my
"refusal to inspect" ticket.
nancy called me a few days ago from a payphone in the city. i let the machine
talk to her. she was upset because all her friends were ignoring her,
boo-hoo-hoo, and somebody just stole her car, boo-hoo-hoo, and daddy probably
isn't going to pay for a new one, boo-hoo-hoo. i guess this is going to make
her domino's pizza delivery job all the more entertaining.
things that don't have anything to do with my absurd life:
management positions suck. i don't know how you can deal with the idea.
besides loosing your "retirement plan", you're going to be placed in charge
of other people. that's just too much responsibility for me..
other things:
i've been thinking about jill more and more recently. please, hold your abuse
until i get to the end. i can't quite figure out if i miss her, as a person,
or if i miss the thing that we had. everyone since her has been diversion,
really. there's feeling there, but it's nothing really great, nothing
all-consuming. i think about all the dumb times we had together.. sitting
around in the bathtub with all those bubbles, sitting there for hours and
turning into two prunes.. all the silly times, the happy times. visiting jim
at stockton, playing checkers in some stuffy intellectual coffee house,
freezing to death on the beach, being childish and in love at work.. maybe
i'm playing things up, i don't know. time reduces the bad times, make them
seem like they never happened. maybe that's getting the best of me?
i think the thing is, i was truly in love with her at some point. i met her,
and it just happened - easy and simple and beautiful. i feel like that can
never happen again, never in that way. i feel like i'd have to work at it
now, push myself into those feelings instead of just drifting lazily like it
was before.. i can't tell if it's who she was, her person, or that i'm just
not so naive anymore. maybe it's a mixture of both. all of the ones since
then have been passed time, a way to fill the hours - this is for certain.
whatever.. too much thought on such an outdated subject.
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good morning/noon/night/whatever.
i was going to call you a little while ago, but i didn't. i got hung up doing
something else. hmm. it's 9:45 on friday. you're probably off at the bank
anyway, seeing whoever was going to be there. "where i wake warm", i think it
was? i was sitting in line at taco bell at about 8, and i thought about
going.. i don't know why i didn't. hmmm.
apathy is really taking hold, i guess.
beth kept calling me yesterday. she wanted to get together with a bunch of
people and do something, it was her day off from "wawa". i didn't want to see
her, i just wanted to sleep. i hadn't slept in 26 hours or so, and with her
numerous phone calls i only managed to lay down for 4 hours. i finally just
gave up and took a shower. she had said she'd call again, before she came
here. i planned on not answering the phone, giving her the impression that i
went out somewhere. i never got the chance. i got out of the shower to find
her laying on the bed, legs waving around in the air, and jim sitting at my
desk. i started to get dressed..
after about thirty minutes or so, teli called. somehow, i convinced him to
come over and save me from her.. again..
he finally got here, and we all sat around, everyone trying to think of
something to say. jim was antsy, he didn't want to sit here. teli started to
do homework, beth started helping him. jim got up and said he was leaving - -
i went with him. we ended up driving to new york, mostly just as an idle
destination. we drove up to the city, pissed in an alley, drove past the mtv
music awards.. mostly we just talked. jim is getting attached to this girl,
kari. kari's got a boyfriend - naturally. same old soap-opera things.. jim
was partially stoned to begin with, and while driving around the city dueling
with the cabs, he found a bottle of vodka in the glove compartment. he
swallowed three quarters of the bottle between the city and my house.. we
finally got back here at about 3:30 in the morning. we were both curious
about how naked teli & beth would be. to our dismay, nothing had happened.
they just sat around and did homework..
jim drove beth home, teli fell asleep on the floor. i geeked out for two
hours trying to fix things he had broken while doing his homework on my
computer, finally went to sleep at about 10 in the morning. i woke up around
7:30, not so long ago, and teli was gone.
you're not fat. beth's fat. trust me - - i know fat when i see it.
jesus, i wish i had something to say. that's one of the main reasons why i
never call anyone - i don't have anything to tell them. it'd be kind of rude
to call someone up and make them talk to me..
gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.
i'm drowning in a sea of nothingness. the past few weeks have been so empty,
so devoid of everything. there's no happiness and no sadness - there just
isn't anything. it's just filling up the hours and waiting for something to
happen - anything to happen..
maybe i should leave. i've got a full tank of gas and $80. i'll throw a
pillow and a few blankets in the car.. yeah, right. we both know i'm never
going to do anything courageous..
i told jim about jill, the "can't figure out if i miss her as a person, or
miss the 'thing' we had" scenario. jim doesn't think you can separate the
two, he thinks it's just one big lump that rots in your memories. who knows.
how's john/devon/paul/harry/bill/bob/ted/larry/whoever-it-is-this-week?
the other day, i tried to imagine what it'd be like to have sex with you. i
sat there thinking about it, trying to picture it. it didn't work, i couldn't
see it at all. maybe i respect you too much, i don't know. i can't explain
it, really. when i think of you, the only physical things i can picture are
hugs, or petting your head. i guess i've got a soft spot for you somewhere.
i'll have to fix that..
i could probably make it to washington on $80.
teli keeps asking me for advice on relationship things. i don't know what to
tell him - - all i know how to do is destroy relationships, not make them
last.
hmmm.
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i just got your letter, fished it out of the box with some unemployment
notice.
i'm suddenly so amazingly lonely. it's like some animal, swarming all over
me. i read the words off the page and the isolation trickled out into my
veins, into my being. i don't know why, and i do know why - and i don't want
to think about it either way.
people always seek out the one thing they cannot have. it's human nature,
apparently.
teli's at someone's bar mitzvah. he gets to wear a yamacha (sp?), even though
he's not jewish. i don't know why he's there, i just know he is..
big spiders seem attracted to this siouxsie poster on my wall. it's kind of
distressing.
my sexual exploits, for those who care: 1) big overweight girl, jen. first
"relationship". 2) less overweight girl, beth. the girl who's presently
haunting me. 3) jill. we all know the story. 4) cheated on jill with some
black girl, yvonne. i drank a lot of puerto rican rum. i have no other excuse
for this. 5) nancy. no comment. 6) heather, the swanky rich girl who thinks
i'm an artist.
i can't count the number of individual times, sorry for that. there were also
the numerous "make out in the corner of the club, get lipstick all over
everybody" episodes, but that wasn't "sexual".. at least, not how i'm taking
it.
beth just called and left her trademarked message as i'm writing this. "hi,
it's beth. i just called to say 'hi'. give me a call later.." she knows i
never call her, i can't figure out why she won't leave me alone.
i don't know if oral sex (receiving end) counts as a sexual exploit. i'd
better go watch "clerks" again.
i wonder if i'll actually come and see you tonight. hmm.
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i just talked to you on the phone a while ago.
i got up rather than going back to sleep, and i started the nightly "geeking
out" ritual. i checked my email, and found a letter from jill, the other
jill, the 25 year old jill from new york. i thought she'd wised up and
started ignoring me. ah, well.
she wrote a bunch of nonsense, really, and relayed a message from nancy.
nancy "wants" me. blah, blah, blah.
i wrote a long letter back to her. it consisted mainly of why i didn't want
to be anywhere near nancy, what i've done & not done in the past month or so,
and a lot about you. sorry, you're the only interesting thing in my life
lately. (if you could even say you're in my life, that is.)
as i sat there rereading what i had written, beth came by.. again.. she stood
outside the window and asked if i wanted company. i explained how i was
feeling rather antisocial, and i'd rather not. (i neglected to mention that i
just didn't feel like seeing her.) she went away, tra-la-la.
i was making it a point to come and see you tonight, actually. i went to
sleep at about 4 in the afternoon, and planned on getting up at 8 so i could
clean myself and dress and all, drive up there and get there before midnight.
i woke up at 8 and it was just an impossibility. i should have went to sleep
earlier in the day, but i'm a fool.
watching the ants crawl over the desk again. feeling my mood dropping out
from under me.
i'm having those same "drive somewhere, drive anywhere, do something"
feelings again. too bad i won't do anything about it.
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funny things keep happening.
the other day, the day i was writing to the other jill, nancy decided to stop
by. this was about two hours after beth had semi-visited. i was sitting here
at the desk typing, much as i am now, and i saw this dark figure move past
the window. "hello?" i said to it, and it said "oh.." i couldn't figure out
who it was, and then i could. my heart sank - - i didn't feel like having
some big indepth "look, it's over" conversation with her, especially
considering it was all so fresh in my mind from writing it to the other jill
just two hours before.
anyway, she asked if she could come in, and i told her i wasn't really seeing
people today, that i had already turned someone away earlier. she started on
about how she had come from new york, she was drunk when she left the city
and she shouldn't have been driving.. "look," i told her, "i didn't ask you
to go get drunk in new york.." she defaulted to the "please, can i come in?"
approach, and i broke down.
so, in she walked. i turned off all the lights and put my head down on the
desk. i didn't feel like dealing with this whole shoddy situation.
surprisingly, we just made idle chatter about who's been doing what.
eventually she got up and left.
a while later i got two "voice mail" messages from her. she had sent them
from new york prior to coming here, when she was drunk. she thinks about me
all the time, etc, etc, etc.
whatever. she's not a bad person, but she's not what i want. i just want her
to go away. i guess i'm the bad person for this, but.. what am i going to do?
i knew i never should have went to that coffee place with her..
the only interesting thing she said in her two messages went something like
this: "i don't need to fuck you or be your girlfriend. i just want to be your
pal. i just want you to pick up the phone when i call".. somehow, the "pick
up the phone" part really touches me. i'm glad someone understands that. it's
nice to know that people get the message about things like that.
(just so your ego doesn't get any worse off than it is: i would always pick
up the phone for you, if i were here. trust me, you'd know if i wasn't
picking it up for some other reason.)
that's been the only excitement of the past.. week. oh my.
been spending the past three days (nights, rather) at teli's house, fiddling
with his computer. he doesn't really know what he's doing, so i have to
diddle around with it and get it to work the way he wants. he also recently
stole a $350 piece of hardware, and i had to install that. that was a huge
annoyance. but, anyway..
i actually shaved a week or so ago. it's horrible. now it's all growing back
in. it's itchy and disgusting. i don't think i'll ever shave again - ever.
i'm going to end up looking like marty stoufer from that nature show, "wild
america."
got a letter from the unemployment agency today. i have to report down to the
office on the 26th. i have to hustle around now and find 12 or 16 places that
aren't hiring. i need to show them i've honestly looked for work, rather than
just cashing in uncle sam's checks and drilling holes in the pockets of the
poor american tax payers.
actually, i got inspired to fax my resume to a few places i saw in the paper
this past sunday, but it was just another passing inspiration.
fuck the poor american tax payers, anyway. i was a poor american tax payer
for quite a few years, and i've got at least $4000 coming to me.
4:30 in the morning. hmm. it occurs to me that 80% of these sentences start
with "i". does that make me self-centered, or just unoriginal? hmmmmmm.
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sitting here, listening to "black tape for a blue girl", going crazy. i'm so
amazingly useless.
i talked to jill a few days ago, and i suppose that accounts for some of my
moodiness.
oooh, the ants are getting feisty tonight. i may not be able to write long..
anyway, i was thinking of her too much lately, i told you that. i woke up one
of these past afternoons after dreaming of her. it was a very peculiar dream
- peculiar in itself, and in the fact that i remembered it. i never saw her or
talked to her in the dream, but it was definitely centered on her. someone
called and told me that something horrible had happened to her, and that she
was leaving - moving far away. i called her, and there was no answer. i said
something like, "don't leave me," or something along those lines..
well, with all the creeping thoughts and now the obscure dream, i decided i
should do something. later that night i sat down and wrote her a letter. she
always wanted me to be completely honest about everything (doesn't everyone?)
so i decided i shouldn't hide anything. i wrote a nice two pages about that
weird dream, what had been happening lately, how i felt, who and what was on
mind.. whatever. i drove over to leave it on her car, but her car wasn't there
- it being three a.m. or so. i felt replaced somehow, though i shouldn't be
having those sorts of feelings anymore. i went home, i never gave her the damn
thing.
two or three days ago, she called me. this was.. good lord, look at all those
ants.. LOOK! THERE'S NOTHING TO EAT UP HERE! I'M BROKE! I CAN'T BUY YOU GUYS
ANYTHING! GO HOUND SOMEONE ELSE!.. err, well, excuse me. they just get to me
sometimes.. anyhow, she called around one a.m. some nights ago. i was sort of
shocked, but i talked to her anyway - or she talked to me, that's how things
usually are. she asked me a few questions and i told her about the thing i had
written. i didn't really want to talk about things, i'd just give her the note
and it'd answer everything. after awhile she asked if she could come over and
get it, which she later did. she walked in and found it on the desk, left
- very clean.
well, here's the punch line: at one point on the phone she told me how her
mother was getting friendly with some old boyfriend again, and she was probably
going to move back in with him when the lease is up. jill never liked this guy,
and she had said before she wouldn't ever live with him again. so i asked her,
"what about you?" she sort of hesitated about this, but after much prodding she
told me what the story was. jill seems to be moving to.. prague. this is
apparently a recent idea, but she's taking it pretty seriously. she dropped all
her classes and got a second job as a waitress somewhere.
i'll believe it when i see it, but it makes my odd dream a touch stranger,
considering i had it a week or so before i talked to her.
prague. i can't get over it. if this doesn't remove her from my life, nothing
ever will.
maybe that's why i've been so deranged the past few days - the idea of jill
just not being there. i hadn't spoken to her for months before this phone
call, but it was different somehow. she was still in that funny little house
a few miles away, i'd still hear her voice if i called.
so - things change. slightly.
i haven't made any new, true, honest friends since i've met you. this worries
me. i'm socially broken, and i accept that. i'm never going to be a butterfly.
fine. but i watch these faces from the past drift away, never to be seen again,
and it honestly worries me. i've had "isolation" written in big black letters
on my door for some time now, some kind of message to myself, but it scares me
to think about the reality of it. i mean, i fanatically push people out of my
life, but i always keep a select few. what happens when they decide to push me
out..?
i'd come sleep on your lawn tonight if i didn't have to get my car inspected at
eight in the morning. i wouldn't wake you up and talk to you (girls need lots
of rest for school), but i think sleeping on the lawn would console me enough.
look at me: why am i telling you all this? why have all the letters i've ever
sent revolved around the same theme? why do you keep accepting this shit? why
do i keep unloading it on you? i know it makes you feel used in some way, i
remember hearing about this - the way people use you as some sort of a shoulder
to cry on. i should be trying to make you laugh, i should be entertaining you,
but all i ever do is sob.
"angel, why am i so blind?"
whatever - - sorry. i'm getting.. typical..
i'll have to stop thinking about you. that's all i need, for you to frigging
run away to prague.
jesus christ. why is it that the only people who call are the ones i don't
want to talk to? leave me alone, beth.
it's now several hours later. teli called. he seems well on his way to
depression - new found land for him. i guess my stay with him is done.
jill asked me right off, one of the first things, if i had found the meaning of
life yet. is this what i'm looking for? is this what's pulling at me? what am i
doing?
hello - how are you? well, i hope.
what an asinine letter this has turned out to be. the nyquil tablets are
finally starting to work, and i am spaced out severely. the monitor is ninety
feet away and my arms are like tree branches - this happens all the time when
i take nyquil.
i hope i've always been honest with you. i don't know why this thought crosses
my mind now, but it does. it just gets tricky phrasing things when they concern
you, how i feel about you, whatever. it's that damned soft spot.. maybe you
should be amazingly bitchy to me, so that i can butcher that part of myself and
get rid of it, be completely impartial about you again.
it's hard to stop myself from deleting half the things i write, but i try.
it'd be easy to get rid of that last paragraph, it probably says too much.
some people can just hold out their hands and ask for things, they don't feel
any shame about it. maybe they shouldn't, is it really so wrong? i don't know,
i just don't know.. it doesn't seem possible. i could starve to death while
watching gorged, overweight people feasting. i don't think i'd ever be able
to ask for anything, a crust of bread..
i grew up around lots of junkyards, that was the family trade. there was this
one yard where my father used to go all the time and sell metals - i don't
remember the name of the place, but i was there all the time as a child. in all
the dust and sun there were these big, bright sunflowers, growing up out of all
that decay. they were so beautiful, so full of life and determination.
at the same yard, there was an old, manged dog. very dirty, fur missing in big
patches. you could see his ribs clearly. he just wandered around, quietly,
slowly. never begged for attention, just looked at you with these sad, lonely
eyes. he was a tired, beaten animal.
i am that fucking dog, aren't i?
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it's about one in the afternoon and i haven't slept in sixteen hours or so. i'm
getting really good at this "no sleep for two days" thing.
anyhow - i feel much more sane and relaxed now. i played solitaire for three
hours and listened to dead can dance, i imagine that can fix most anything. of
course, i am sniffling my head off and being feverish, but.. well, ok..
solitaire can't fix everything. fine. i was wrong.
i didn't mean to make you feel cheap, sorry if i did. well.. maybe i did mean
to make you feel cheap - i'm never too clear on my actions until afterwards.
anyway, if it was by design, it would be because i felt stepped on in some way,
and i'm in no position to be feeling like that. so - in any event - sorry.
i haven't showered or changed my clothes in six days. how wonderful. i'm
sailing through the uncharted waters of profound uncleanliness, and i don't
even stink yet. i could go on like this for weeks, i think. hey - why not? my
father did.
i did shave, but that doesn't count.
my hair looks a lot better when it's unkempt. the wild greasy look fits,
somehow. i've tried this while stuck in the tedium of the regular bathing
cycle, and it just isn't the same. it gets all fluffy and resilient. hmm.
my car's got a pretty yellow inspection sticker on it, for a mere $21.50. it
was only overdue by eleven months..
i *finally* fixed teli's frigging computer. what a nightmare. you'd think i'd
get something for it.. a kiss, a hug, a blowjob.. something. i labored over
that fucking thing for days. i could be doing this same tedious shit for $12+
an hour, what's wrong with me?
you just like oral sex because there's more pleasure in it for you, admit it.
(i mean, assuming you're on the receiving end.) not that this is a bad thing in
any way - sex is supposed to be enjoyable, right? right. i'm glad we agree on
this.
besides, 95% of the pleasure in sex (for me, anyway) is pleasing the person i'm
with. watching them get excited makes me excited, that sort of thing. maybe i'm
a voyeur at heart, who knows. come to think of it, i probably am in some way or
another. i remember having weird dominant sex and constantly staring into the
eyes of the other person with this haunting, evil look. oh my - i haven't felt
like that in a damned long time. sex for pleasure, imagine! this is all just a
weird dream to me now..
i'm never mean to beth, don't worry. i'm not an overly horrible person
(although, what with all i've written you, some would disagree). she's
apparently being overly friendly to everyone she knows - no one can figure out
why. maybe she's lonely..? who isn't..?
i'm going to buy you a large, family sized box of "ego". you could use it.
you've never bothered me - try and get it through that pile of hair - you're
one of the few people i really like.
ooooh! the "L" word! watch out!
i'm apparently much more entertaining when i'm sick, sleepy and delirious.
maybe i should make a note for future reference.
i can't tell which is worse to get in the mail: local community political shit
that i don't care about, or xxx-video catalogs. at least the catalogs have some
witty captions.
i'm so dirt poor, it isn't even funny. i've got $22. i had $7, but teli had to
charge some mail-order thing on my card, and he gave me the money. $22. i can't
believe i've been reduced to this.
prague. shoot me, she's going to prague. does this seem a tad.. say..
unrealistic? WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT TO GO TO PRAGUE? i don't even know
where prague is. i'm lucky i can spell the damned thing.
yow! this isn't even some stupid local political shit, it's a big heap of
petitions for newt gingrich, robert dole, and some other weenie. it starts
off, "dear friend, may i have a quiet moment with you?" my god, i'm too scared
to read on..
she should go to frigging ENGLAND, who in their right mind would want to go to
PRAGUE? jesus christ, i've got to find an atlas or something, an encyclopedia.
i've got to find out what this place is all about. the name reminds me of
genitals, for some reason. genitals, or venereal disease - i can't figure out
which. "come on down to scenic PRAGUE.." prague? "prrrrrog"? frog? "frrrrrrog"?
frague? hmmmmm. lague, dauge, clague.. pardon me, what LANGUAGE am i speaking?!
well then, back to our regularly scheduled delusions..
maybe i'm manic depressive. i seem to be really over-compensating for last
night's "episode"..
you should buy the new lisa gerrard solo thing, and tell me how it is. i don't
have a 'retirement fund' like yours.
prague. fuck me. you live too far away, but at least you don't live in.. no!
you're wrong! i was going to say "switzerland"!
i obviously need to go buy a few "zippy the pinhead" comics and settle down
with someone on my own level. zippy carries the word of god, i tell you..
maybe i'll spend my last few dollars and drive up there tonight, camp out on
your lawn. i won't really see you, because you seem to want that. i'll just
hang around up there on the grass for awhile and make it amazingly apparent
that i had been there.
somebody told me, you're never supposed to give them what they want. you're
supposed to tease, tease, tease.
maybe this accounts for my current social status. (NONE.)
well, anyway.
stay well, hmm?
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
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for better or worse
these choices are made
strange, twisting paths
taken in hopes of enlightenment
or to preserve the sanity of others
hopes, fears and unspoken wishes
washed away by sunlit mornings
by kind, loving hands
for better or worse
these choices are made
/////////////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\////////////////////////////////////
"Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If you cut
down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut down the new
tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that tree, yet another
will grow, only this one will be a mutation with long, poisonous tentacles
and revenge in its heart, and it will sit there in the forest, cackling and
making elaborate plans for when you come back."
^^ this empty filler brought to you by dave barry. ^^
err, good morning. i haven't slept in eighteen hours. mentally, i'm at least
moderately stable. i'm more than prepared to write a letter - i've proven
that that doesn't require any stability at all.
and now, for today's exciting episode:
nancy came by the other night. she brought back the bukowski book she had
tried to decapitate me with. the cover is mutilated. it was "ham on rye," i
guess i had gotten it wrong. i could have sworn it was "women". she had also
brought some other, "screams from the balcony." i guess she was being
friendly. to be honest, i didn't even realize she had brought me the other
book until an hour or so after she had gone. i remember her saying something
about it when she got here, but i was a little.. err.. well, i wasn't exactly
minding her every word, if you know what i mean.
jill came by some hours later. her hair got longer. she looked better than
the last time i saw her - whenever that was. i laid down on the bed and she
laid next to me - it's a queen size bed (cheer!), so it wasn't overly
friendly. we chatted about her waitressing job at some italian restaurant,
this and that. we finally got around to prague, and i got the full gory
details out of her.
and the details, you ask?
would you like extra gore with that?
well:
jill's "with" this guy chris, a twenty-four year old punk. did i forget the
drug part? oh, i guess i did. chris is a certified cocaine addict. but this
aside, he's reportedly a very nice guy, very kind and laid back. hmmmm. well,
whatever. i don't know if it was his idea or hers, or perhaps some kind of
cosmic realization that the two of them reached in some powdery alternate
reality, but they're off to prague together. setting out like two kids eager
to travel the world, they're saving money. jill's working two jobs, and chris
is "pounding the pavement," so to speak. yes yes, a fine, upstanding man..
door to door sales, i hear.. putting in grueling hours.. stands behind his
merchandise, tests it thoroughly.. always willing to..
oh, my.. i'm on a tirade. i don't know anything more about chris, so i'll
just stop before i ruin the pretty picture i've painted.
err. umm. well.
anyway, after this amazingly unsettling topic, we moved along to us.. we
talked about the "good old days".. you know how it is, i guess.. when
everything is spring flowers and sweet sweet sunshine.. we traded dumb old
memories for awhile, and then admitted to each other that (perish the
thought!) we both still cared, in some way or another - but that we both knew
we were too.. caustic? volatile..?
she put her head on my chest and i held her for awhile, like we used to do,
and i felt this warmth inside of myself. i just honestly, truly wished her
happiness - hoped that everything turned out well.
after an hour or so, of course, we kissed. and that, of course, led to other
things. things that just shouldn't have been happening - - things that i
promptly put a stop to. LOOK AT ME! REFUSING SEX!
well - anyway. that's that. over, done with, gone.
we really did have good sex, though. i honestly miss that. it wasn't that
"make love" picture that people have; it was passionate, animalistic sex -
but there was more to it somehow. we didn't fuck out of boredom, it was
always a caring act in some way. i can't really explain it. i don't know, i
don't know - - i just miss it.
who've i had sex with since her? nancy, that rich sod heather, and beth - -
god save me, why beth? what was i thinking.. anyway - nancy was ok, but it
was nothing remarkable. beth & heather.. well, i mean.. sure, i like to
please the person i'm with. but it sure is nice when they.. you know.. show
some life signs..? from all reports, i'm apparently pretty good at whatever
the hell it is that i'm doing down there.. it gets kind of disheartening, you
know?
maybe i'm just used to jill. she had some kind of a streak in her for sex.
certain things made her lose her mind, it was fabulous. she woke the frigging
neighbors up on occasion.
chet laying there and expecting you to do everything is just.. wrong. ick.
ick ick ick ick ick.
bleh, bleh, bleh.
it's friday afternoon, i think. you're in canada. it's been raining for
twelve hours. i have a band-aid stuck to my forehead.
i know what a "geordi" is. i don't live under a rock, just behind one.
besides, he does the "reading rainbow" thing. what a swell guy.
allow me to reiterate, for lack of anything better to do: ick ick ick ick ick
ick ick ick.
you will never begin to imagine how impossibly hard it is to run a
spell-checker when you use words like "ick" and "hmm" and type in lowercase.
never never never in all of your years will you understand the unbearable
grief i must endure.
rain, rain, rain.
the traffic court was entertaining. $30 fine, $30 court fees - no complaints
there - and a big bawling out for wearing a hat in court and failing to
respect (read: kiss up to) the judge.
i had put $100 away for this little adventure ahead of time, so i now have
enough money left over to eat for a few weeks and buy another bottle of
smirnoff.
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