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There Aint No Justice 072
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #72 |
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- Why Computers are Better than Women -
&
- Some of our Favorite Bumper Stickers -
by Kel'anth & Steven Rosen
Why Computers Are Better Than Women
(an exercise in sophistry, yo)
1. A computer never has a headache.
2. For $20, you can get a computer that blows.
3. Anytime you want to get screwed, you can just buy Microsoft.
4. You can enjoy a computer all month long.
5. Computers don't stain.
6. You don't have to wine and dine a computer.
7. A computer will wait for you while you play ball.
8. When your computer gets old, you toss it and buy a new one.
9. Computers are never late.
10. The worst disease you can get is carpal tunnel syndrome.
11. Computers don't get jealous when you buy another computer.
12. A computer won't get upset if you use computers too much.
13. If you buy a floppy drive, you'll always get good head.
14. You can have more than 1 computer without guilt.
15. Computers go down a lot without being asked.
16. You can share a computer with your friends.
17. A computer doesn't demand equality.
18. A computer doesn't care when you come.
19. A computer doesn't care if you talk to it.
20. Computers like to be used.
21. Computers don't get bad perms.
22. A computer never leaves you for another guy.
23. Computers get faster every year.
24. A computer is ready any time of day.
25. A computer won't demand commitment.
26. You can take a computer with you when you move.
27. A computer will never wonder where you've been.
28. Computers don't think cucumbers are better than men.
29. A computer will do anything if you ask it, even sober.
(this next bit was typed up by Scooter II)
The Denver Post
July 6, 1993
Pg F-1
BUMPER STICKER FAVORITES
Don't look now - your humor's showing
By Steven Rosen, Denver Post Arts Writer
Talk about a driving obsession!
In the June 18 Pulse column in WEEKEND!, we invited you to tell us your
favorite or most interesting bumper stickers. (Good luck Jean Thompson of
Denver trying to sell "God Created a Beautiful World - Don't Make It Ugly.)
With so many responses, trends emerged. The three I spotted were these:
People like bumper stickers that make fun of the cosmic- consciousness nature
of New Age philosophy. A good dozen callers said their favorite sticker
was "Visualize Whirled Peas," which is a parody of those "Visualize World
Peace" stickers you see in hippie outposts where people only drive cars when
not engaged in astral projection.
Others liked a sticker that says "Visualize...Using Your Turn Signal,"
which serves the same general purpose.
* There are drivers out there who disagree with gay rights. [Remember,
this IS from Colorado!] A half-dozen callers enjoyed "God Created Adam
and Eve, not Adam and Steve."
* Republicans hate President Bill Clinton and Democrats hate
Republicans. Among the numerous favorite bumper stickers that underscore
that point:
Impeach the Clintons
Friends don't Let Friends Vote Republican
Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale - He Sucks.
Vote Republican - You A-- Holes Deserve It
First Hillary, then Gennifer, Now Us.
Vote Republican - Its Easier Than Thinking
[Plus my favorite - "Picard and Riker '92"]
* Here are some others that we have room, or the good taste, to print:
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.
My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
Don't Laugh - Your Daughter Might Be In Here. (On Old Truck)
Cats Flattened While You Watch.
I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.
Just say no to sexist Pro-Lifers.
My Other Car is a Broom.
"Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's
Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton"
Quit Sniveling.
Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray
"It will be a great day when our schools get
all the money they need and the air force
has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."
Not All Men are Fools. Some are Bachelors.
Happiness is Coming.
Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor.
Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
"If You Call Some Animals Pets, How Can
You Call Other Animals Dinner?"
I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
Blood Sun Earth
Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus.
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Disarm Rapists
Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.
Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?
Avoid The Rush - Hate Texas Early
[Coloradans have an inborn hate for Texans...]
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car.
[Seatbelts, guys...]
I brake for Hallucinations.
Flag Worship is Idolatry.
Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk
I'm OK. You're So-So.
Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.
Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.
"Telling an Old Person He's Useless
Is Abortion on the Other End"
Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco
If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament
Jesus Saves...String.
Will Work for Sex
Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed
Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Black Holes Suck.
And Finally, "Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers."
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