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There Aint No Justice 062
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #62 |
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- Not Necessarily the Evening News -
by A Whole Crowd of Folks
<Opening Scene>
<The Living room of Mr. & Mrs. John Q. Public, seated on an old and moth
eaten couch, watching television. Both wear dazed, tired expressions. Their
TV set is an old consloe model... the color is bad, making the faces of the
people on the screen all look as though they are seasick.>
<There is a cat perched on top of their TV set, basking in the warmth the
old vaccum tubes produce. It rolls over in its sleep, knocking a vase off
the top of the TV. Mr. & Mrs. John Q., hypnotized by their TV, barely
notice. They are watching CNN, as the commentator dornes on about some
insurrection somewhere.>
<Suddenly, the screen dissovles into a sea of static, quickly replaced by a
highly intriquite neon-day-glo test pattern. A bearded face looms into
view, and speaks in a deep monotone, saying:>
"Do not attempt to adjust your Television set. We are in complete control.
We control the vertical, we control the horizontal. We have complete
control of the satellite, and we're not going to give it back."
<Cut to the Newsdesk. The bearded face sits to the left, dressed in what
appears to be a black T-shirt. His hair, long and brown, cascades down over
his sholders, and crooked teeth can be seen in his smile. On the right,
Madonna leers into the camera, cupping her left breast in her right hand.
She appears to be naked.>
<The bearded man speaks.>
"This is Ned Copper, bringing you the REAL news, courtesy of the CNN
satellite. In our lead story tonight, a nationwide manhunt is currently
underway for Mike Lewis, leader of the notorious telecom-terrorist
organization P.U.S.S. (Phuck U.S. Squint) According to official sorces, Mr.
Lewis entered the headquarters of U.S. Squint last Friday afternoon and
entered the office of John Anonymous, Regional Director for Security. Mr.
Lewis bound and gagged Mr. Anonymous, and after waiting for the normal
business hours to end, wired the building's main computer into the over
2000 phonelines present and proceeded to wardial every 1-900 exchange in
the country. Meanwhile, he and his associates spread out though the
building, uprooting plastic plants, shredding documents, and engaging in
general mayhem. An unconfirmed report (well, a rumor, really) also says
that while in the building, Mr. Lewis used one of the telephone lines to
personally call up Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Kennedy (that chick from
MTV), and Richard Nixon on an international conference call and insult them
for over an hour."
"When police arrived on the scene Monday morning, they arrived to find the
entire Squint building wrapped in used toilet paper. Police promptly
surrounded the building, and called for the surrender of Lewis and his
companions. Lewis's people responded by firing automatic weapons at the
police, killing 4 and injuring 23. Lewis, addressing the police via
loudspeaker, demanded a helicopter, ten million dollars in small bills, and
the immediate release of all hackers and phreakers held in jails and
prisons across the country."
<A hand appears in the lower left hand of the camera view, holding up two
fingers.>
"We'll have more on this and other stories in just a few moments, but
first, a few commercial announcements."
<Camera cuts to the scene of a landfill somewhere in central New Jersey.
Camera pans left past scenes of partially buried refuse, and a thrilling
contralto voice over speaks....>
GARBAGE CITY!!
Ever in need of some 3 month old used tissues? Or some decade-old
egg cartons? Of COURSE you do! Well then here's the store for you! Our
shelves are filled with the finest garbage money can buy! That's right, we
have in our huge stocks such valuable products as:
-dead, rotting, smelly, slippery, slimy, fish.
-cans o' spam (unopened, of course)
-various tidbits of electronic junk
- much much more!
Call today at 555-6669 to get a FREE price guide of all our trash!
And remember our slogan!
<singing>
Garbage City...We've got da sheeit you need at less!
<Camera cuts again, briefly showing the newsdesk. Ned Copper has his head
thrown back in a large grin, and from the angle of Madonna's derriere, its
obvious her mouth is busy right now....>
<Map on screen, shows the USSR, gradually breaking up and turning from red
to white as the narrator speaks.>
Narr.: "Everyone knows about the fall of communism. The historic breakup of
a world power, and a whole economic system. It brought democracy, but also
chaos."
<Russia begins to turn from white to green.>
Narr. "What few people know about, though, are the historic opportunities
now being presented to...entrepreneurs."
<Screen changes, showing a long, sleek, metal rocket. As the narrarator
continues, the camera pans almost carressingly along the sleek, smooth
contours of the thing.>
"Thousands of nuclear missiles have disappeared from the former Soviet
Union in recent months. Everyone wonders where they went. Except for us,
Black Hat Resellers. And, if you act now, one or more of these beauties
could end up parked in your back yard! If you call today, we'll even erect
a launchpad!"
<screen changes to show launchpad. people mill about.>
"How much would you expect to pay to become a nuclear power? For a missile
that could destroy Hiroshima more than ten times over? $92,031,097,401?
Maybe even $829,302,199,234? No! With our special limited time offer, you
can get all this for the LOW LOW PRICE of $19,950,000!"
<Mushroom Cloud appears>
"But is that all? If you call today, you can get a free gift of..."
<screen changes again to show...>
"A full squadron of Migs! How could you ever forgive yourself if you missed
this INCREDIBLE offer? Call now to order! 1-800-WANT-NUK! Visa and
Mastercard accepted."
<Camera cuts again. No view of the newsdesk, but a faint moaning can be
heard in the background.>
Announcer: "To get your day off to a perfect start, eat the cereal that
feeds your spirit as well as your stomach!"
<cut to box>
Announcer: "Jesus Chrispies, the Breakfast of Believers!"
<The box has brightly colored letters spelling out the name. Below, a
full-color crucifix protrudes from a bowl of the cereal.>
<Cut to a boy dressed as a Young Republican, holding a spoon. A King James
Bible sits next to his cereal bowl.>
Boy: "I *love* Jesus Chrispies! The wine-flavored marshmallow crosses taste
great, and the wafer flakes stay crispy in milk!"
<cut to fundie couple, sitting in easy chairs on opposite sides of a
fireplace full of blazing books. More books are piled on the side by the
firelplace tools for reserve fuel.>
Announcer: "And parents love Jesus Chrispies too!"
Mom: "I know little George is getting plenty of fiber from the whole-wheat
wafer flakes. And Jesus Chrispies uses only natural wine flavoring."
Dad: "It gives George complete nutrition and a valuable sacrament too. What
more could a right-thinking parent ask?"
<cut to a table full of paraphenalia.>
Announcer: "And in specially marked boxes, you'll find a special surprise
gift: Dan Quayle ears, a Scripture Decoder Ring, a fetus doll, or a Desert
Storm commemorative coin! Unlike sinful movie memorabilia, these are fun,
and won't corrupt your mind!"
Lame jingle: Why eat a cereal that isn't spiritual?
<Camera cuts back to newsdesk. Ned Copper is busy straightening his
T-shirt, as Madonna wipes a dribble of white fluid from her chin. Both grin
at the cameras.>
"Continuing our story: Lewis continued to argue with the police for twenty
minutes, brandishing his Uzi and eventually bringing Mr. Anonymous to the
window to demonstrate that he did, indeed have a hostage. During the
negotiations, Mr. Anonymous was hit by a sniper bullet fired at Mr. Lewis.
The terrorists responded by hurling Mr. Anonymous out of the tenth story
window from which they had been conducting the negotiations. Police
S.W.A.T. teams stormed the building minutes later, only to discover that
the terrorists had somehow fled the premises. Eric Swastikka, Regional Vice
President for U.S. Squint, estimates the damages to the building to be in
excess of 12 million dollars, and was quoted as saying: "We have not, as
yet, received a bill for the 900 calls placed over the weekend, but we're
sure its going to be a doozie."
<Camera pans right, showing Madonna. She smiles into the camera, licks her
lips suggestively, and begins to speak.>
"It's the latest thing in the late-night wars...late-night shows run by
failed Presidential candidates. It's just been announced that George Bush
will be replacing David Letterman as the host of Late Night, which will
become Late Night with George Bush, while H. Ross Perot is reportedly going
to receive his own show on CBS, which will run against Late Night, and for
which he is paying the production costs. Although the title is yet to be
decided, Perot says he is leaning toward "All Ears". A spokesman for the
network claimed they'd drop the show if Perot insisted on that title, but
that they'd be sure to think of a better one before it aired. We have here
a press release from the former President on his new show."
<shot of Bush, cameras flashing in the background>
"Wouldn't be prudent to watch Ross's show. I mean, some folks-- a lot of
folks say that Dan Quayle, reminds them of Mickey Mouse. I say, he reminds
me of my dog, Millie, except that my wife can't kiss the dog, it's
unhealthy, but that's OK, she can't kiss Dan Quayle either. But Ross
reminds me of Dumbo, with the big ears, even if he can't fly. And my show,
we'll have Schwarzkopf, Stormin' Norman, as our bandleader. Can Jay Leno
say that? Can Ross Perot say that? Can they say that in Japan? No, of
course not. So of course, you have to watch my show. Watch it, then decide
if you like it. Then, watch it some more."
"Perot, on the other hand, calls for a groundswell of grass-roots support
for what he calls "late-night TV for the American people." He refuses,
however, to go into any detail about the format of the show."
<Camera pans left again, past Ned Copper, to show a young man dressed in an
urban camo business suit. A small plaque in front of him identifies him as
Lupus Yonderboy. He speaks.>
"News Flash! It has been reported to me today that the one and only, Thor
the Thunder God, has found his left foot! Insiders say that Thor was
sitting on the floor of his jail cell in a puddle of piss playing with his
legos and linking logs. It is said that he was trying like hell to get one
of the logs to connect up to a red lego brick. Of course, legos & linking
logs are not interchangable, so Thor was having a rather difficult time."
"Says one observer 'Thor was really determined to make that log connect..
he was really making a big thing of it.. in his frenzy he grabbed his left
foot by accident and just froze..'."
"According to sources, Thor had never found out that he had feet before.
They say he sat there for long hours just staring at the foot, then moving
it around with his hand. Dr. James Loffman is investigating."
<Cut to Dr. Loffman, seated at his desk>
Dr. Loffman: "'For someone with Thor's EXTREMLY low mental-age, it was a
truely great accomplishment for him to find out that he had a foot'."
"Thor is now being moved to Dr. Loffman's research lab in Outer Mongolia.
More reports as they become available.."
<Cut to shot of Thor, trussed securely in a straight jacket, struggling
with two neanderthal orderlies down a white tiled halway. They eventually
hurl him into the padded rear of a step van.>
"In this reporters opinion, Thor is an impotent dicksnot and should be
either shot on site or placed as Vice-President to replace Gore. There's no
way on earth that someone would DARE to kill Clinton with someone like Thor
sitting in.."
<Pan right back to Ned Copper. He smiles.>
"More news in a moment, after we pause for a few more commercial
announcements..."
<Cut to the interior of a small diner somewhere. A dozen vikings are
scattered in various booths, banging their utensils against the formica,
chanting:>
"Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! SPAM! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!"
<A falsely exited voice overlays the Viking's chant>
What's all the ruckus about the world's most famous lunchmeat? Every-one
loves SPAM!
<Camera cuts to Jesus, nailed to the Cross.>
Jesus: "Spam! I love it!"
<cuts to Madonna, naked (as usual..)>
Madonna: "I love so much, I fuck it!"
Off Camera Voice: "Er, you fuck everything, eh?"
Madonna: "Yes? Your point?"
<cuts to Stan the Flying Roach>
Stan: "Me and my buddies love spam! We use it to fight crime and uphold the
law. And hey, it makes a great pet!"
<the sound of the Viking's chant swells>
"SPAM-de-de-SPAM! Wonderful Spam!"
<Off Camera Voice:>
"So go out and raid your nearest inconvience store and demand SPAM!"
<Extreme close-up of can label, Viking chant reaches its cresendo:>
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<Camera cuts to a blazing white light. Out of the light, words of red fire
slowly stalk across the screen, like the opening of Star Wars. A voice
sounding remarkably like Robert Tilton's narrates the words in an anxious
tone:>
It's the.....
DENNIS FOLEY BIBLE
Specially translated for the mentally impaired! Taken from the
original Hebrew and Greek, this translation is high on accuracy! Read the
events of Jesus from a whole new perspective! here's an excerpt from the
New Testament:
<a slightly tipsy, fake irish voice narrates>
"hay sant pual i fuked yur sistre do me a faver and giv her a nickle fer me
she was godo"
<The Bob Tiltonesque voice resumes:>
Or reread the famed Battle between David and Goliath:
<Fake Irish:> "hay lok at davideo run away form that big snotliker goliath
hay dav got a slingsot whats he doin hay goliath feel"
<Tiltonesque:> "So go out and demand that your local church begin using the
NEW Foley Bible! This newest version of the world's greatest book is only
49.95, so run out and get it TODAY!"
<Lights fade, and cut to an overhead stock laboratory shot.>
And now from Derf Enterprises...
The DerfLink..][ !
<generic announcer's voice>: "You've heard of the world's greatest
invention, the Derflink I, right?" <his tone indicates he's expecting the
answer yes...>
Cameraman: "Well, umm, actually, I...ah.."
A:<yelling> "Shut up!"
C: "Um, but.."
A: "NOW!"
C: "Oh fine."
A: "Anyway, the newest version of this wonderful instrument allows you not
just derflink computer equipment, but various objects, such as cheese
graters, cat tails, Spam, and other household items. For example:"
<Camera cuts to a lab filled with beakers and other lab-type equipment.
Scientist enters with cow and microwave, and the incredible DerfLink ][ !>
Scientist: "See? A perfectly unusable cow and microwave...but...when
derflinked.."
<presses button>
<Cow and microwave fizzle, swirl, and become one fucked up looking cow>
S: "Ack, that's not right.."
Announcer <cutting him off>: "Well, that's all we have time for, so just go
out and get this wonderful product of American labor..today!"
<Camera cus back to Ned Copper. Madonna stands behind him, framing his head
with her breasts. She caresses his body, while he tries to keep a straight
voice and continue the news.>
Ned: "The Pope, missing for over six days, was finally found today in
Dublin, where Sinead O'Connor dragged him out on the stage and mauled him
with a chainsaw. Before the lynch mob arrived, he had been hacked into
thirteen pieces. Before the leaders of the mob pushed her off the edge of
the stage with a noose around her neck, O'Connor reportedly stated that it
was an artistic statement, quote, "an illustration in reverse of what the
Catholic Church has done to the people of Ireland." Sinead O'Connor and the
Pope were unfortunately unavailable for comment, but Cardinal O'Connor
said, quote, "The world will mourn for the Pope. Hopefully no one will
mourn for Sinead O'Connor. Hopefully something positive will come out of
this. Perhaps some people will see the light of day and ban rock music, so
their children will no longer be exposed to these morally degenerate
psychopaths."
"In a related story..."
"The well-publicized case of Peter Sucht, the boy who was reportedly
abducted last week by a known child-molester, ended today when the boy was
found exiting his bedroom, where he claims to have been for the past week.
However, for Peter himself, the story is far from over. In just one week,
it has been discovered that his father, Dick Sucht, forced him repeatedly
to have sex with his Saint Bernard, named Cunt; his mother, Annie Dick
Sucht, would discipline him with a stun gun, while his sister, Wanda B.
Sucht, would force him to perform oral sex on her and her friends at
gunpoint. Peter has become a ward of the court until the state can appoint
him a guardian."
"And now we have a live feed from Kent State University. Reporter Fred
Parakeet is live on the scene with this story..."
<Cut to a darkened parking lot (could be anywhere). Every car in sight is
draped heavilly with multicolored string.>
FP: "Well Ned, as I'm sure you're aware, one of the fastest breaking
stories tonight takes place in Baghdad, Iraq. Saddam "Fuck the New World
Order" Hussein has put 3 Silly-Putty launchers in the so-called UN
maintained Peace-keeping Zone. In response, the UN demanded the launchers
be surrendered to the UN or the Coalition will launch a mass attack of
Silly String, Spam, llama innards, and various other objects. The American
General in the Gulf issued a statement today: "I am absoultely positive we
can match Saddam at his game."
"This news has caused countless debates all over the country. On a few
college campuses, like Kent State here, students rallied to stop the
silliness in the Gulf. The students took various cans of Silly String and
had their fun with the a few professors' cars, saying that this attack was
as silly as the current American strategy."
<The camera tilts to the side with a loud clang. Fred Parakeet is suddenly
covered with several different colors of silly string, and a half dozen
drunken and/or spaced out students surround him and proceed to fill the
camera lens with goo. Several dull thuds are heard before the camera goes
dead and the scene cuts back to the anchor desk.>
<Ned Copper grins into the camera, and what could be Madonna's hair can be
seen bobbing in the vicinity of his lap, just out of view of the camera. He
rolls his eyes once, and continues in a short, gasping voice.>
"Another celebrity Elvis sighting was reported today. At around 4 P.M.,
Goldie Hawn claims she saw Elvis as she exited the shower. Our reporter,
Clint Torus is live at the scene with the famous actress."
<cut to living room, with Goldie Hawn and reporter Clint Torus. Sign on the
bottom of the scene says "LIVE".>
CT: "So, you saw Elvis as you left the shower."
GH: "Yes, I was just coming out, and I was about to wrap a towel around
myself, and I saw him. I screamed."
CT: "You screamed because you thought you were seeing a ghost?"
GH: "No, no, if he was a ghost, well, that would've been all right. But he
was standing there naked and he started to gyrate his hips, and sing
Heartbreak Hotel."
CT: "Naked? What happened next?"
GH: "Well, I screamed, and he ran off. No one could find him."
CT: "Now, are you absolutely sure it was Elvis, and not a cabbage or
something?"
GH: "I'm sure. I called Priscilla on the phone. Ask her. She can tell you.
No one ever knew about that birthmark until today."
CT: "Thank you, Ms. Hawn. Now back to you, Ned."
<Cut back to anchors' desk. Madonna raises her head and wipes her chin.>
Ned: "Thank you, Clint. In the past three weeks, "Weird Al" Yankovic,
President Clinton, Mike Tyson, Hugh Hefner, Cardinal O'Connor, Fabio, Bill
Cosby, and Wil Wheaton, among others, have reported sightings of the King.
This rash of unexplained Elvis sightings has prompted a government
investigation, which started one week ago. So far the only official comment
has been, "We're working on it.""
Madonna: "Ned, did you know that this is the first naked Elvis sighting
reported since the King's apparent death?"
Ned: "That's amazing, Madonna. <He doesn't *seem* amazed> Hopefully, being
sexually harassed by dead rock stars--"
<Elvis Presley walks across the room in front of the desk, waves to the
camera, gyrates his hips, and leaves. Both anchors stare blankly ahead.
After fifteen seconds or so of utter flabbergasted silence, Ned speaks.>
Ned: "Well, that was definitely a first on TV News. A dead rock star, on
national TV. He IS dead, isn't he? I mean..."
<Madonna turns to one side and frantically mouths the word BREAK. She then
rushes off after Elvis, hand to her crotch...>
<Cut to the scene of a sleeping couple, safe and warm in their bed.
Suddenly, the sound of a barking dog outside awakens them. They sit,
cross-faced, in their bed, as their alarm clock speeds its way towards 6:00
AM, and rings.>
<Sally Struthers>: "Are you tired of being awakened late at night by the
sound of barking dogs? Of course you are! But you always thought there was
nothing you could do to alleviate this common problem. Well, I have good
news for you! The researchers at BlastCo have come up with the perfect
solution!"
<Cut to a laboratory scene. A man in a leather jacket, carrying an odd
looking handgun, follows a pound attendant down the aisle to the cage of an
elderly, mange eaten collie. The collie's tail thumps listlessly on the
cold concrete as the attendant opens the cage, and the man in the leather
jacket points the odd pistol at the dog. The weapon makes a sound like a
whip cracking, and in a flash of light, the dog vaporizes!>
"Now doesn't that work a whole lot better than a thrown shoe? This
marvelous invention works wonders on other common neighborhood pests as
well!"
<The scene cuts several times, showing the man in the leather jacket
vaporizing rats, mice, gophers, and annoying paper boys. Finally, he points
the pistol straight up, and pulls the trigger. The cat, previously
mentioned as being asleep atop Mr. & Mrs. Public's TV set explodes in a
flash of light!>
"It even works on cats! So call the number at the bottom of your screen for
more information today! Operators are standing by to take your call!"
<The scene cuts again to another commercial, but the videotape jams, and
the scene cuts back to the newsdesk. In the background, a voice that sounds
remarkably like the King's can be heard singing "Love me tender" in short,
punctuated gasps. Ned Copper sits alone at the newsdesk.>
Ned: "In tonights celebrity news, Donald Trump's fortunes have reached an
all-time low. He's lost all his Atlantic City casinos, and now is forced to
move to the suburban area of Howell, New Jersey, because he's practically
broke. Our roving reporter, Bonnie Lasse, has gone to Howell to bring you
the story, and an EXCLUSIVE interview."
<Screen changes to Bonnie Lasse and The Donald, with a sign saying "Live"
on the bottom. Bonnie, a semi-stunning but overly hairsprayed and made up
blonde, is sitting on a couch with Trump, and has an unlabeled microphone.
They are in a rather plain and dingy living room, in front of an
uncurtained bay window.>
Lasse: "Thanks, Ned. Mr. Trump, how did you lose all this money?"
Trump: "Well, a lot of it's the divorce settlement with Ivana. Sometimes I
could swear the bitch was out to ruin me."
<The heads of Ivana Trump and Marla Maples peek over the edge of the window
sill.>
Lasse: "How do you feel now, being one of the working class?"
<A pistol rises over the edge and trains on Trump's skull.>
Trump: "Well, frankly, it su--akk!"
<The Donald, rudely interrupted by the passage of a .38 caliber bullet
through his brain, slumps over and falls out of view. Marla and Ivana duck
out.>
Lasse: "Oh, SHIT! That's the third time this week that's happened! And he
bled all over my stockings! Here, help me out with him."
<Cameraman steps into view and starts helping Lass to drag the body out by
the collar.>
Cameraman: "Those damn trendy killers and their annoying fads. Now
EVERYBODY wants to kill somebody on TV..."
Lasse: "Damn it to hell, I broke a nail...oops, almost forgot."
<She looks up and smiles at the camera.>
Lasse: "Back to you, Ned."
<Scene cuts back to the newsdesk. Madonna has rejoined Ned Copper, looking
sated. She is smoking a cigarette, and looking quite pleased with herself.>
Ned: "And now here's Goldie Shower Meadows with today's weather forecast."
<screen switched to a map of the U.S. covered with fronts, little smiley
suns wearing Blades, snowflakes, and mean-looking clouds.>
Meadows: "Tomorrow will be bright and sunny in Birmingham, Alabama;
Seattle, Washington; Austin, Texas; and the Triple-O-Five-Bar-X-Double-
Asterisk-Q-Peace-Sign-Pentagram-Curlicue-Eight-Bleeding-Daggers cattle
ranch. Everywhere else will be overcast with scattered showers, snow, fog,
T-storms, and the possibility of hail."
"Hurricane Billy-Bob Jim-Bob Joe-Bob Jesus Horatio Christ Smith is
gradually building up in the mid-atlantic. Let's go to the satellite."
<Weather map is replaced by a picture of Elvis & Madonna, naked. She is
straddling his stomach and leaning over him, pressing her right nipple to
his lips. Meadows continues without turning, gesturing so that she
indicates the Madonna's breast, near where it touches his mouth.>
"This area here is a low-pressure zone. It's drawing moisture from the sea,
and was the beginning of the hurricane's development when it was first
spotted three days ago."
<screen changes to show a close-up of Elvis's cock, which is starting to
get erect.>
"Over the last few days, it gradually increased in size. It's expected to
reach the East Coast in a few days, and by then it'll be positively huge.
It's expected to cause a great deal of..."
<she trails off as she happens to glance at the screen. She colors slightly
and continues with an embarrassed half-grin.>
"Oops...wrong satellite... Back to you, Ned."
<Camera pands back right to show the newsdesk. Ned smiles, and turns to
look at the monitor behind himself.>
Ned: "And now, here's Ben Dover, with the Consumer Report."
<Camera cuts to the monitor, showing Ben Dover, dressed simply in a green
dressing gown and stethoscope. He is seated at a desk covered in various
products common to supermarket checkout lines.>
Ben: "According to a press release by the Consumers Protection Union, you
should no longer buy ninja weapons such as shurikens and nunchukus, as a
recent study has shown they hold considerable danger to the operator, and
even experienced operators can be hurt. They also recommend a "Place Out Of
Reach Of Children" label be placed on chainsaws and dynamite."
"Also, there is a recall out on all bottles of Preparation H dated 2-17-93
to 2-23-93, as they have been found to be contaminated with Super Glue.
Check your containers."
<Camera cuts back to Ned at the newsdesk.>
Ned: "In our final story of the evening, Outer Mongolia, threatened with
nuclear annhilation, finally agreed to extradite "Fast" Hans Liebermann to
the U.S. for trial. Liebermann allegedly skipped the country with
$23,000,000 of imbezzled money, plans for ICBMs, Gennifer Flowers, and a
bag of Ruffles potato chips. The Mongolians were reluctant to release him
to U.S. custody because Liebermann was their new economic minister, and
also because they don't put ridges on Outer Mongolian potato chips. Despite
the threat of nuclear annhilation, the U.S. government was persuaded to
agree to trade a can of Spam Lite for Liebermann and his entourage."
"This concludes the News for this evening. Please stay tuned for more
quality programming."
<Camera stays on long enough to show Madonna queuing the newsroom staff
into a line, which she kneels in front of, Cleopatra style. There is a
slight scuffle near the end of the line, as a few late arriving technicians
battle for a better position. Cut to commercial.>
<Pictures of bank owners involved in the S&L scandal appear in the
background, changing every few seconds as the Announcer (same one from the
Deep Space Nine commercials) speaks.>
Announcer: "In the wake of the nation's biggest banking scandal, people are
looking high and low for faces they can trust."
<long pause>
Announcer: "We have those faces."
<screen changes to a picture of Jesus from a Renaissance painting, then,
every few seconds as the announcer (now replaced with a strangely familiar
Tiltonesque voice) continues, to televangelists.>
<Robert Tilton>: "You've always trusted us with your money. We're the only
ones you can trust. We're--"
<Jimmy Swaggart>: "--the Church of God. While the agents of Satan have on
occasion falsely accused us to break--"
<Oral Roberts>: "--our reputations, it is they who proved false in the end.
So why trust them with your hard-earned wages--"
<Jim Bakker>: "--when there's the J. Christ International Bank? Run for the
church, by the church, and open 24 hours--"
<Tammy Faye Bakker>: "--and all our checks bear inspirational verses from
Holy Scripture! Brothers and sisters--Jesus saves, you should too!"
<fade to black>
-------------------------------------------
I'd like to thank all of the contributors to this issue. I only hope
everyone has as much fun reading this as we did writing it and putting
it all together. NNTN was written by...
Tal Meta
Kel'anth
Agnostic Messiah &
Hairy Leech.
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