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There Aint No Justice 057
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #57 |
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- Going Crazy in the Suburbs 04: Addiction -
by Hairy Leech
___________
/ /
/ SATURDAY: /
/___________/
the world flashes by like a slowed down movie, and yet it seems like it's
all happening so quickly.. don't know how to explain it, don't know.. don't
know..
i see each thing, each conversation as a single frame, locked into my mind,
seperated from everything else, and yet connected.. leading to another
frame, coming from one prior..
"i wish you were here with me now.."
i try and hold onto each frame.. ones that are particularly special,
something that made me feel good, made me happy. i try and grasp onto that
frame, and display it in my mind like a slide.. i try to relive the moment.
i try to freeze time. i try to stop everything, make the world stop
spinning, stop time, stop time.. have to hold on to the moment..
seventeen years gone by, never felt like this. who knows how long i'll have
left.. forever, i want it to last forever..
---
they keep putting santa claus's face on the coca-cola cans and bottles. as
if coca-cola was the one and only spirit of christmas. as if without bubbly
soda, christmas would never happen.
---
i honestly don't have any sexual fantasies. atleast, none that i'm aware
of. i don't know if the dreams i have can be considered fantasies, i doubt
it..
"at night it gets cold.."
---
i want to wake up each morning and see the waves crashing up on the shore.
look out to the sea and see nothing, just blue sky and blue water the
joining of the two at the horizon, and nothing in between. i want it to
look like it reaches out forever, into infinity.. i want to hear the surf,
hear the dull roar, have it fill my ears. i want to have the smell of the
salty water fill my nose, fill my body, fill my existance.
---
i would never join the navy, or any other armed force, for that matter.
---
i could be happy on a boat. the gentle rock of the sea, back and forth,
back and forth.. putting me to sleep, putting me in a state of bliss.. the
quiet, just the wind, just the sound of the boat cutting through the
ocean.. back and forth, back and forth.
i would sell my soul to live in the 1700s. to sail on the tall wooden
ships, to feel it all washing over me..
---
i can't swim. people have tried to teach me, but i still can't. i could
probably keep myself alive if i fell into a lake, or maybe even a slow
moving river. but the sea, i would die in the sea..
i envy small babies. they can swim naturally. a child months old can do
things that i, 17 years old, cannot.
i think i'll learn to swim this summer. i think so.
---
"sometimes you learn to love to hate.."
---
my boss is my friend. i can talk to him, and it's good. the money is really
unimportant. i come and i work more for the conversations, because i like
to work there. i like it.
---
"hello, dad.. happy birthday.. i'm in jail.. i like it here, it's nice, i
like it.."
---
"don't you go to o.c.c. like everyone else?"
"no.. i.."
"are you still in highschool?"
"no.. i'm just sort of in limbo between the two.."
"oh, taking a year off, eh? hehehe.."
"umm, yeah."
---
it's pretty ironic that i listen to industrial music, people banging on
pipes and 50 gallon drums and such. when i was a kid, my father ran a junk
yard, and we lived on the same land. i used to walk outside and beat on
things, hear the clang, the sound the steel made, the sound of iron..
it really used to annoy me that we lived in a junk yard. not exactly the
sort of place that you have your friends over to. and yet here i am,
missing the place.. wishing i still lived there, so i could go outside and
use the grinder, take a sledgehammer and pound on iron beams..
pretty ironic, indeed.
maybe the music reminds me of home.
---
when i walk into a garage and smell the grease and oil, my mind shuffles
back through the deck of moments, comes to rest in the 1980s.. it all comes
flooding back, and i don't know if it's good or not..
---
"what was your name, anyway?"
---
my files should be read in the light of candles, and read slowly. you
should try and picture everything i talk about, try and see it in your
mind, let my descriptions influence your imagination and see it, visualize
it all.. smell the odors, feel the cold, feel the boat rocking..
i want to stimulate all the senses through language, and it's impossible,
but it's the try that counts.
---
"united we stand, divided we fall."
such a simple statement, something they teach you in school. and yet no one
understands it.
---
hairy.
___________
/ /
/ WEDNESDAY:/
/___________/
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"things i learned when i was a child are never what they seem"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
life looks so easy, so painless. and here i am on the verge of loosing it
all, i feel it all slipping away.. throwing it all on the table, pissing
it all away..
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"sins of the flesh!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
WHAT I STUPID FUCKING ASS I AM.
it's not for you to understand, not for anyone.
i'm about to cry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"i can't find words to describe the pain"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
my life is carefully placed into a centrifuge, then the switch is gently
flicked on. on to seperate me into my component parts. on to fling me
about, pull me in a thousand million directions. on to see what i'm made
of.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"degenerate until i meet my fate"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
on to dizzy me, confuse me, dull my senses. feel myself spinning around,
feel my mind whirling, racing, swirling.. feel myself flying apart, pieces
strung out, streched, contorted, twisted.. excess thoughts flung off,
peeled away to expose me, who and what i am.. an ugly mass of ugly thoughts
put together in an ugly fashion..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"you're not my god, but i will follow you"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
eyes blur up with tears, sweat, blood, hate, fear.. i'm cold, getting
colder, freezing to death. dieing. too much too soon too fast, can't
control it all.
NO ONE WILL EVER COMPREHEND ANY OF THIS. I REALIZE THAT NOW.
on to strip me down to the bone, further. inside me now, inside.. what's
inside? what lurks behind the front? what makes me go? what hides within
me, what? what is it?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"don't let me down"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
i draw on others for strength and i don't know if that's wrong or right,
but i do it.
they say that leo's are arrogant natural-born leaders. i argue that. i
can't make up my own mind, much less anyone else's.
indecisive. not because i can't think for myself, but because i'm afraid to
offend. afraid that i'll suggest something that people won't like. AFRAID.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"i hate myself to sleep at night"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
i'm afraid of everything. i'm a child.
"i feel so ashamed
that i let you have your way
i never fought for what was mine all along"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"i just don't care anymore what's wrong or right"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
when will i grow up?
someone answer me.
"i've hurt for so long
there's nothing left of my pain"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"i can look but i won't see why the fuck you're killing me"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
never hurt so good.
on to smear me. on to color me red, red with anger & and with embarassment.
on to rearrange me, maybe this time for the better.
"i feel my body torn apart"
dark everywhere. pieces of myself scattered for all to see, if only they'd
turn on a light.
i stab at myself to improve. i stab until i don't hurt. i pick at the scabs
until eventually they stop bleeding. i turn the knife inside of myself, so
that i can twist my guts into a new fashion. painful, but neccasary. i am
my own bad dream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"you always turn your back on me but you're too fucking blind to see"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
one day. it'll happen. i hope someone is there to hold on to me when it
does.
"death by manipulation!"
i think i'm so big and strong, think i can stand up to anything. think i
can survive alone. think i can take the pain and keep smiling. but i'm so
fucking wrong..
"i need someone to hold on to.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"she's my addiction"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
couldn't go on without somebody to lean on. only have two feet, and
sometimes it knocks you down.. you have to fall back on something. you have
to have something to hold you up.
no one can give me anything like this. trust, backing, someone to confide
in. no one can ever duplicate this. not for all the money, not for all the
wealth in the world.
love is precious and must be preserved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
"visions of a perfect life"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
i intend to preserve mine.
it makes my blood flow.
it makes my mind work.
it makes me live.
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