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There Aint No Justice 055
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #55 |
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- Guardian Moon -
by Cat Eye
I feel trapped. I need to do something. I want to do something. I have to
do something. But there's nothing to do. So I sit. I sit like the good
little girl I am supposed to be. I bore myself until I start jittering, and
I can't stop. I pull my hair. I have to get out. I have to do something.
I leave. I walk. I pick up my pace. I run. I push myself. I gasp for air.
My eyes water up, and I continue to run. To my 'hideaway'. To my
'someplace' to get away. To my 'second home and guide'. I find myself
around the corner. At the dead end of Brookfield Drive.
I can't just stop. I can't just stand there. I walk around the circle/dead
end in my long black trench coat, catching my breath. Looking down at the
groud, back up to the clear sky. I shiver, I'm sweating, and it's cold out.
But I feel better. I no longer feel trapped. I walk the circle 3..4..5
times. Whatever it takes for me to catch my breath, and feel better.
I catch my breath, and I look up tot he sky. I see my guide. My guardian.
The only one who seems to make me feel untrapped when I feel I have no
where to go, no one to talk to, nothing to do. I stand there, in the middle
of that circle, and look around. Up. Down. Left. Right. Anywhere.
Everywhere. Then I keep my focus on my guardian.
Standing there, in the middle of a dead end circle, you think you'd feel
just that, like you were at a dead end. But I don't. I can't. I'm not
alone. I have the world with me. I'm being watched, I'm being cared for.
I'm being told everything will be ok. That's exactly what I need. That's
what I want. That's what I went for.
Standing there, looking up at the moon, full, and bright, with his smile,
with his look about his face, you know everything will be ok. I feel loved,
I feel cared for, I feel.... I feel special. I feel like I matter, that I
mean something. When I stand and I look up to him, he is looking me in the
face. And to stand there, and feel like he is watching ME.. ME, out of
everyone else in the world, well, it just makes me feel great.
I feel like I'm in the center of the world. Looking up to that man in the
moon, all my thoughts seem to go away. I can talk to him, and he listens.
He answers me. He lets me know that everything will be ok. He guides me in
the right direction. He listens to anything and everything that I need..
that I have to get off of my chest. And he doesn't mock me for it. He
doesn't critize me. He listens, just sits there politely and listens. He'll
listen to anything and everything, and he won't tell anyone else. He's
private.
"I come here often, when I feel bad, trapped, when I feel like no one. I
can come here, and I feel better. The walk. The run. The talk.. I can look
up to the moon, and I have no idea what it is. But it gives me this
powerful feeling. Like I really mean something, ya know? I mean, I can
stand here, and look up to him, and it feels like he is looking back at me.
Like he will listen to me when no one else will. And when he isn't there,
there are the stars. And just standing here, in the middle of this circle,
I feel great. I feel like I am the center of the world, you know? I feel
like the moon is watching me, and that means that he is watching me, me, do
you believe that? Do you know how that makes me feel? He is watching me.
Me, out of everyone else in the world. And he listens. I come out here, and
I just look up, and I cry, and I cry, and I cry, and it all makes me feel
better, because as I cry, I can talk. And even though I don't have someone
here to hold me, and tell me everything will be ok, I get that feeling
anyway, that everything WILL be ok. I don't know what it is.. It's just
this really warm feeling that comes over me, you know? Of course not. No
one knows. No one can understand. The moon, he's like my guide, my
guardian. For several people, for anyone. When he's not out, the stars are.
And that makes you feel just as good, if not better, because then, it's
like thousands of people are paying attention to you. Sure, they're all
smaller people, but that doesn't seem to matter. You just don't care. You
know what you feel."
I remember having that conversation with someone that I dragged out there
one night. I made him feel bad, I think, kind of helpless. But I couldn't
help it. He was around at the wrong time I guess, but in a way, it was a
great time. He learned more about me. What's inside of me. And some may
say, how strange I am. Maybe I am crazy, yeah, right, the moon watching
over me, right? A man in the moon? Ok, Jen, "They're coming to take me
away!"
But think about.. next time you really feel like shit, and you have nothing
to do, but you have to do something, take that walk. Go outside, anywhere,
in the open, where you can see the moon, the sky, the stars. Look up, and
just talk, talk about anything, anything at all. Cry if you have to. Run.
Force your breath out of you.
Then you come back to me and tell me I'm crazy.
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