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There Aint No Justice 019
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*-* There Ain't No Justice *-*
*-* #19 *-*
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*-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. 908/830-8265 *-*
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- Man of Steel / Woman of Kleenex -
by Larry Niven
Translated to textfile format by Spartacus
At the ripe old age of forty [Superman first appeared in Action Comics,
June 1938.], Kal-El (alias Superman, alias Clark Kent) is still
unmarried. Almost certainly he is still a virgin. This is a serious
matter. The species itself is in danger!
An unwed Superman is a mobile Superman. Thus it has been alleged that
those who chronicle the Man of Steel's adventures are responsible for
his condition. But the cartoonists are not to blame.
Nor is Superman handicapped by psychological problems. Granted that
the poor oaf is not entirely sane. How could he be? He is an orphan, a
refugee, and an alien. His homeworld no longer exists in any form, save
for gigatons upon gigatons of dangerous, prettily colored rocks.
As a child and young adult, Kal-El must have been hard put to find an
adequate father-figure. What human could control his antisocial
behavior? What human would dare try to punish him? His actual, highly
social behavior during this period indicates an inhuman self-restraint.
What wonder if Superman drifted gradually into schizophrenia? Torn
between his human and kryptonian identities, he chose to be both,
keeping his split personalities rigidly separate. A psychotic
desperation is evident in his defense of his "secret identity."
But Superman's sex problems are strictly physiological, and quite
real.
The purpose of this article is to point out some medical drawbacks to
being a Kryptonian among human beings, and to suggest possible
solutions. The kryptonian humanoid must not be allowed to go the way of
the pterodactyl and the passenger pigeon.
I
What turns on a kryptonian?
Superman is an alien, an extraterrestrial. His humanoid frame is
doubtless a result of parallel evolution, as the marsupials of Australia
resemble their mammalian counterparts. A specific niche in the ecology
calls for a certain shape, a certain size, certain capabilities, certain
eating habits.
Be not decieved by appearances. Superman is no relative to homo
sapiens.
What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some
subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois
Lane probably doesn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong,
less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating
between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy--and would be, of
course, by church and common law.
II
Assume a mating between Superman and a human woman, designated LL for
convenience.
Either Superman has gone completely schizo and believes himself to be
Clark Kent; or he knows what he's doing, and no longer gives a damn.
Forty years is a long time. For Superman it has been even longer. He has
X-ray vision; he knows just what he's missing. [One should not think of
Superman as a Peeping Tom. A biological ability must be used. As a child
Superman may never have known that things had surfaces, until he learned
to suppress his X-ray vision.
If millions of people tend shamelessly to wear clothing with no lead
in the weave, that is hardly Superman's fault.]
The problem is this. Electroencephalograms taken of men and women
during sexual intercourse show that orgasm resembles "a kind of
pleasurable epileptic attack." One loses control over one's muscles.
Superman has been known to leave his fingerprints in steel and in
hardened concrete, by accident. What would he do to the woman in his
arms during what amounts to an epileptic fit?
III
Consider the driving urge between a man and a woman, the monomaniacal
urge to achieve greater and greater penetration. Remember also that we
are dealing with kryptonian muscles.
Superman would literally crush LL's body in his arms, while
simultaneously ripping her open from crotch to sternum, gutting her like
a trout.
IV
Lastly, he'd blow off the top of her head.
Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in
all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume
otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it,
Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun
bullet. [One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled
with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice
THAT?]
In view of the foregoing, normal sex is impossible between LL and
Superman.
Artificial insemination may give us better results.
V
First we must collect the semen. The globules will emerge at transsonic
speeds. Superman must first ejaculate, then fly frantically after the
stuff to catch it in a test tube. We assume that he is on the Moon, both
for privacy and to prevent the semen from exploding into vapor on
hitting air at such speeds.
He can catch the semen, of course. He's faster than a speeding bullet.
But can he keep it?
All known forms of kryptonian life have superpowers. The same must
hold true of living kryptonian sperm. We may reasonably assume that
kryptonian sperm are vulnerable only to starvation and to green
kryptonite; that they can travel with equal ease through water, air,
vacuum, glass, brick, boiling steel, solid steel, liquid helium, or the
core of a star; and that they are capable of translight velocities.
What kind of a test tube will hold such beasties?
Kryptonian sperm and their unusual powers will give us further
trouble. For the moment we will assume (because we must) that they tend
to stay in the seminal fluid, which tends to stay in a simple glass
tube. Thus Superman and LL can perform artificial insemination.
At least there will be another generation of kryptonians.
Or will there?
VI
A ripened but unfertilized egg leaves LL's ovary, begins its voyage down
her Fallopian tube.
Some time later, tens of millions of sperm, released from a test tube,
begin their own voyage up LL's Fallopian tube.
The magic moment approaches...
Can human breed with Kryptonian? Do we even use the same genetic code?
On the face of it, LL could more easily breed with an ear of corn than
with Kal- El. But coincidence does happen. If the genes match...
One sperm arrives before the others. It penetrates the egg, forms a
lump on its surface. The cell wall now thickens to prevent other sperm
from entering. Within the now-fertilized egg, changes take place...
And ten million kryptonian sperm arrive slightly late.
Were they human sperm, they would be out of luck. But these tiny blind
things are more powerful than a locomotive. A thickened cell wall won't
stop them. They will ALL enter the egg, obliterating it entirely in an
orgy of microscopic gang rape. So much for artificial insemination.
But LL's problems are just beginning.
VII
Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated
kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The
sperm scatter.
They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave
curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found
their way to the open air.
That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all
leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one
or more loops of intestine.
Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill.
Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis.
VIII
This is more serious than it looks.
Consider: these sperm are virtually indestructible. Within days or
weeks they will die for lack of nourishment. Meanwhile they cannot be
affected by heat, cold, vacuum, toxins, or anything short of green
kryptonite. [And other forms of kryptonite. For instance, there are
chunks of red kryptonite that make giants out of kryptonians. Imagine
ten million earthworm-sized spermatozoa swarming over a Metropolis
beach, diving to fertilize the beach balls...but I digress.] There they
are, miniscule but dangerous; for each has supernormal powers.
Metropolis is shaken by tiny sonic booms. Worm-holes, charred by
meteroric heat, sprout magically in all kinds of things: plate glass,
masonry, antique ceramics, electric mixers, wood, household pets, and
citizens. Some of the sperm will crack lightspeed. The Metropolis night
comes alive with a network of narrow, eerie blue lines of Cherenkov
radiation.
And women whom Superman has never met find themselves in a delicate
condition.
Consider: LL won't get pregnant because there were too many of the
blind mindless beasts. But whenever one sperm approaches an unfertilized
human egg in its panic flight, it will attack.
How close is close enough? A few centimeters? Are sperm attracted by
chemical cues? It seems likely. Metropolis had a population of millions;
and a kryptonian sperm could travel a long and crooked path, billions of
miles, before it gives up and dies.
Several thousand blessed events seem not unlikely. [If the pubescent
Superboy plays with himself, we have the same problem over Smallville.]
Several thousand lawsuits would follow. Not that Superman can't afford
to pay. There's a trick where you squeeze a lump of coal into its
allotropic diamond form...
IX
The above analysis gives us part of the answer. In our experiment in
artificial insemination, we must use a single sperm. This presents no
difficulty. Superman may use his microscopic vivion and a pair of tiny
tweezers to pluck a sperm from the swarm.
X
In its eagerness the single sperm may crash through LL's abdomen at
transsonic speeds, wreaking havoc. Is there any way to slow it down?
There is. We can expose it to gold kryptonite.
Gold kryptonite, we remember, robs a kryptonian of all of his
supernormal powers, permanently. Were we to expose Superman himself to
gold kryptonite, we would solve all his sex problems, but he would be
Clark Kent forever. We may regard this solution as somewhat drastic.
But we can expose the test tube of seminal fluid to gold kryptonite,
then use standard techniques for artificial insemination.
By any of these methods we can get LL pregnant, without killing her.
Are we out of the woods yet?
XI
Though exposed to gold kryptonite, the sperm still carries kryptonian
genes. If these are recessive, then LL carries a developing human fetus.
There will be no more Supermen; but at least we need not worry about the
mother's health.
But if some or all of the kryptonian genes are dominant...
Can the infant use his X-ray vision before birth? After all, with such
a power he can probably see through his own closed eyelids. That would
leave LL sterile. If the kid starts using heat vivion, things get even
worse.
But when he starts to kick, it's all over. He will kick his way out
into the open air, killing himself and his mother.
XII
Is there a solution?
There are several. Each has drawbacks.
We can make LL wear a kryptonite [For our purposes, all forms of
kryptonite are available in unlimited quantities. It has been estimated,
from the startling tonnage of kryptonite fallen to Earth since the
explosion of Krypton, that the planet must have outweighed our entire
solar system. Doubtless the "planet" Krypton was a cooling black dwarf
star, one of a binary pair, the other member being a red giant.] belt
around her waist. But too little kryptonite may allow the child to
damage her, while too much may damage or kill the child. Intermediate
amounts may do both! And there is no safe way to experiment.
A better solution is to find a host-mother.
We have not yet considered the existence of Supergirl. [She can't mate
with Superman because she's his first cousin. And only a cad would
suggest differently.] She could carry the child without harm. But
Supergirl has a secret identity, and her secret identity is no more
married than Supergirl herself. If she turned up pregnant, she would
probably be thrown out of school.
A better solution may be to implant the growing fetus in Superman
himself. There are places in a man's abdomen where a foetus could draw
adequate nourishment, growing as a parasite, and where it would not
cause undue harm to surrounding organs. Presumably Clark Kent can take a
leave of absence more easily than Supergirl's schoolgirl alter ego.
When the time comes, the child would be removed by Caesarian section.
It would have to be removed early, but there would be no problem with
incubators as long as it was fed. I leave the problem of cutting through
Superman's invulnerable skin, as an exercise for the reader.
The mind boggles at the image of a pregnant Superman cruising the
skies of Metropolis. Batman would refuse to be seen with him; strange
new jokes would circulate the prisons...and the race of Krypton would be
safe at last.
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