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There Aint No Justice 018
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*-* There Ain't No Justice *-*
*-* #18 *-*
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*-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. 908/830-8265 *-*
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- The 69 Laws of BBSing -
by Spartacus
1. Derfs are everywhere.
2. The upload/download ratio is too high.
3. The quality of a board depends for the most part on the pickiness of the
Sysop.
4. Two or three good posters can turn a BBS around.
5. Two or three assholes can turn it back the other way.
6. Doors attract lamers like a candle attracts moths.
7. The board with the best files is always busy.
8. It also has a killer ratio.
9. If the ratio was changed, it wouldn't get any new good files.
10. Less than 5% of BBSers will upload regularly if not forced by a ratio.
11. More than 75% of BBSers will download regularly without any encouragement
whatsoever.
12. Wildcat systems are lame.
13. Searchlight systems are lame.
14. Genesis Deluxe systems are lame.
15. Stock WWIV systems are lame.
16. 99% of all Telegard systems look exactly the same.
17. No two modded WWIV systems look the same.
18. The usual term for a beta version of Telegard is "standard".
19. The more features in a BBS, the less it like ANSI.
20. The number of pure warez lamers varies as the square of the size of the
hard drive.
21. A net named after a BBS software is run by fascists.
22. A net using real names is run by fascists.
23. Most BBSNets do not improve with age like good wine. Instead they spoil
like old meat.
24. Frontdoor does not work right the first time. Period. If it does there
must be something seriously wrong with your echomail processor.
25. Real name BBS's suck.
26. A warez g0d's best friend is his hard drive. This does not stop him from
reformatting it any time he sees a cop in a laundromat.
27. Don't feel bad if you can't understand someone's posts for a reason other
than acronyms. People who can't type in English seldom have anything
interesting to say anyway.
28. Murphy's Law has doubled effect when running a BBS.
29. Part time BBSni never last.
30. 0-7 day warez include a lot of neato things, but seldom anything you are
specifically looking for, unless of course it's a new release.
31. Elite boards are like lemmings. Every so often they destroy themselves en
masse. Blame the feds.
32. You can never leech just one textfile.
33. You cannot avoid Spam and Wombats. They are your destiny.
34. Elite sysops have even more of a tendency to be assholes than other sysops.
35. The same mental derangement that causes people to run Searchlight also
causes them to demand registration forms from their users.
36. If it has less than eight lines it's not worth your money. You can find
something better for free.
37. Most of your callers will never call back.
38. Most of the ones who do call back will never do anything productive.
39. If you value your money, don't give out your personal info.
40. If you gave out your personal info before reading this keep a very low
profile.
41. It seldom pays to piss off the underground.
42. Never get caught.
43. No matter how stupid the MCI, there's someone who will fall for it.
44. 9 out of 10 BBSers think the tenth is an idiot. They're right.
45. 2 out of the ten think the other eight are idiots. They're right too.
46. The tenth one thinks all the rest are idiots, and says so, as well as
commenting colorfully on their ancestry, habits, and probable destiny
in the afterlife.
47. Six out of the ten laugh heartily at these comments from the tenth. They
may make death threats as well. Three ignore him.
48. Prodigy is even more fascist than the fascist BBSNets.
49. The rap vs. metal argument never dies. It's always on at least one board
local to you.
50. If you use caps lock, you will get flamed.
51. If you use blinking text too often, you will be either flamed or deleted.
52. Same goes for filling a message with the same thing 100 times.
53. Being nice to the Sysop often pays.
54. Don't make someone a Cosysop because he or she knows more about the
software than you. He/she will take over the board.
55. You WILL piss off your spouse.
56. Lame sysops have lame boards.
57. The bigger the HD, the harder it crashes.
58. The only thing worse than a Federal piracy crackdown is a rumor of one.
59. Every rule has exceptions. Even this one.
60. There is always one user who will log onto your system exactly 3 days
after he has been deleted for inactivity. He won't call back again
until after he has been deleted again, for the same reason.
61. People who list as references people you've never heard of are unlikely
to ever call back again.
62. People who use comic book character names as handles travel in packs.
63. The system you have the most file points on goes down/crashes/gets busted
as soon as you REALLY need to download something.
64. Caller I.D. is a sysops best friend, and a user's worst nightmare.
65. Always suspect any female user who likes to talk about her sex life
of being a male in disguise.
66. BBS's that advertise more than 1 sysop or cosysop are run by idiots.
67. Sysops who ask for anything more personal than your phone number and
first name are either giving you an intelligence test, or setting you
up to be fucked over at a later date.
68. Almost last, but not least, the sysop is always right.
69. When the sysop is wrong, the above rule applies.
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*-* Phoenix Modernz Inc. :908/830-TANJ *-*
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*-* Modern Textfiles Inc. The Matrix BBS:908/905-6691 *-*
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*-* The Lawless Society Inc. CyberChat BBS:908/506-7637 *-*
*-* -also- Terrapin Biscuit Circuit:908/506-6651 *-*
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