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the unplastic news issue 11
The Unplastic News #11 The Ugly Issue
January 1994
print me out and pass me around
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ISSUE #11 --> The Ugly Issue
January 1994
1443 lines
Parental Discresion is Advised
( also, this is our 3rd aniversary issue, too, etc.)
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0 \ / 0 Hell is paved with the skulls of unbaptized children... 0 \ / 0
0 \ / 0 [Damned infants are] young vipers 0 \ / 0
0 X 0 and [to god] infinitely more hateful than vipers. 0 X 0
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0 / \ 0 Jonathan Edwards, Calvinist 0 / \ 0
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Howdy Viewers ! *#*# *#*#
#*#* #*#*
This is The Ugly Unplastic Issue. *#*# *#*#
What you find in this isuue may be ugly, gross and icky. #*#* O O #*#*
You have been warned. /
< /
We filled these few pages with the dirtiest dirt of 1993. _____/
These are the things that made us go, "Yuck!"
...and: speaking of ugly, gross and icky . . .
S T A F F
Thaloneous Platypus B. Hathrume Duk
<buttcakes@doodoobath.esp> <millie@vanillie.con>
Todd Tibbetts Dr. sPoDe
<tt@netcom.com> <LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk>
Terri Mabry Mark Sicignano
<tamabry@orion.oac.uci.edu> <mark@hsi.com>
Andrew Moss Keith Bostic
<amoss@jhu.med.edu> <bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Sue Birk Anne Rabinowitz
<come on sue, hop on the net> <goo@loveden.com>
Glen Kretmar Jesse Montrose
<gkretmar@us.oracle.com> <9309130132.AA02136@netcom.com>
Caius van Nouhuys Mike Ashenfelder
<caius@well.sf.ca.us> <ash@well.sf.ca.us>
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Rock music is the most brutal, ugly, vicious form of expression...
sly, lewd - in plain fact, dirty...rancid-smelling aphrodisiac...
martial music of every delinquent on the face of the earth.
Frank Sinatra, Oct.29, 1957
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Official Unplastic News Retreival Guide Perspiring minds
======================================= want to know !!!
You can get Unplastic News
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strewn about this global electric Internet playground.
Subscription: Send e-mail to: tt1@netcom.com
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and we will put ya on the list.
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Lock On To: e-zines@netcom.com
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Files can be retrieved via email
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/PUB/ZINES/UNPLASTIC (or PLASTIC)
>>0<<--->>0<<--->>0<<--->>0<<--->>0<<--->>0<<--->>0<<--->>0<<--->>0<<--->>
Now . . . On with the Show !
==========================================================================
"Let me blow that up for you again."
-->>> Gen. Colin Powell, referring to a photo of the Iraqi Intelligence
Service headquarters, previously hit during the Gulf War
?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$$$$$$$$$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$
"Plans? I have no plans. I may not even be alive tomorrow."
-- Imela Nogic, a 17-year-old resident of Sarajevo, and winner of the
"Miss Besieged Sarajevo" beauty pageant, when asked about her future
plans
"Today's promotion of youth and beauty is proof that you cannot destroy
Sarajevo."
-- The pageant's master of ceremonies, TV anchorperson Rinko Golubovic
}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..
}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..}+~`'..
News Flash Top Story News Flash Top Story News Flash
"My pal Mark sent this to me. He did not think
I would believe it. The irony he did not see
was that I had actually been to this very whale
blowing cermony."
Thaloneous Platypus, Jr.
Editor, The Unplastic News
Quoted at DukWorld Expo in Montevideo
December 31, 1993 2:42pm
T O P S T O R Y
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Somebody sent this to Mark and he sent it to me.
---Forwarded mail from Mark Sicignano <mark@hsi.com>
------Forwarded mail from "Dave V. Schaller" <schaller@hsi.com>
--------- Forwarded mail from gizzard!btryon@gbsmail.attmail.com
***{ From the UW CS bulletin board }***
I am absolutely not making this incident up;
in fact, I have it all on videotape.
The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent
a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale
that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting
rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division,
apparently on the theory that highways and whales are
very similar in the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan --
remember, I am not making this up --
of blowing up the whale with dynamite.
The thinking here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces,
which would be eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that.
A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton
of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably
not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows
(on the videotape) is the most wonderful event in the history
of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a
huge blast of smoke and flame.
Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yay" and "Whee."
Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud."
You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of... MY GOD...."
Something smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of
whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of
a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on
the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units.
There was no sign of the sea gulls.
=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=(oo)=
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
Jim Harkins
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=================================================================
Virtual reality will give rise, for example, to Virtual Stooge,
where you can call up any episode of The Three Stooges and become
the Fourth Stooge - actually experiencing the sensation of being
whacked on the head with a plank by Curly. (This will be a hit
primarily with men)."
- Diane English's prediction for the year 2053. English is one of
the creators of the sitcom Murphy Brown
OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO
From: New York Times 12/2/93 A1
APPLE SHUNNED FOR BENEFITS POLICY. Apple's plans
to build an $80 million office complex near Austin,
TX, are in jeopardy. County officials have refused
to give the company a property tax abatement because
of Apple's policy of giving health benefits to unwed
and same-sex partners.
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..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>
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L
From: lrudolph@black.clarku.edu (Lee Rudolph)
Subject: Aboriginal "Kidney-Fat" Guards?
Date: 9 Oct 93 23:47:56 GMT
Yesterday, National Public Radio (here in the USA) aired an interview with
an Australian Aboriginal who's in the States promoting outback tourism.
Besides playing his digeridoo (sp.?) and beating time with a couple of
boomerangs, he told us about the three kinds of guards his particular group
of people have to keep themselves on their own territory and out of
trouble. The third, and most fearsome, of these guards are the
"kidney-fat" guards, whose job it is, when someone just won't behave, to
punish him as follows: hypnotize him into a deep sleep ("hypnotize" was the
word used by the Australian); slice open his back and cut away the
kidney-fat; sew him back up with human hair.
L
[]
[[]]
{[[]]}
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Aborigine Denied Bail to Face Tribal Spearing
Perth, Australia (Reuter) - An Australian Aborigine,
accused of murdering his common-law wife, was denied bail on
Friday so he could be speared for his crime under tribal law.
Neville Gable, 36, had asked district court judge Mary
Anne Yeates to release him on bail so that his wife's
relatives could carry out "pay back" tribal justice by
spearing him below the belt.
His lawyer Derek Hunter of Perth's aboriginal legal
service said that if Gable did not face his wife's angry
family, then his brother might be speared instead. Gable has
been charged with the stabbing murder of his wife on June 12.
<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>..<{[]}>
An Ugly plan.
But sumbdy's gotta do it.
Yes, we plot no less than the destruction of the West. Just the other
day a friend and I came up with the most pernicious academic scheme to
date for toppling the West: He will kneel behind the West on all fours.
I will push it backwards over him.
-- Michael Berube
**()**()**()**()**()**()**()beware**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**
**()**()**()vermicious**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**
**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()**()kanid**()**()**()**()**()***
Subject: Satan Claus!
Parents in Grand Saline, Texas, removed a picture of Santa Claus from a
school because the letters in "Santa" can be rearranged to spell "Satan".
Which caused Esquire editors to note that the letters in "Grand Saline,
Texas" can be re-ordered to spell "Grand Anal Sex Site".
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Commercial Long-Distance Phone Calls
Business Week Aug 16, 1993
Tired of paying long-distance telephone rates? A small startup in New
York City could soon have the lowest rate of all: Free. The catch?
Radio-like commercials would periodically interrupt your chat.
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////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Ugly Books #1, 2 & 3
1. _Life stories of Dying Penitents_ A 19th cent collection of
essays from various people who, on their deathbeds, tell you
why you shouldn't do whatever *they* did.
2. _Odd people_ Another rather racist 19th cent. book detailing
the manners and customs of primitive savage cultures around
the world. Chapters include: The dirt-eaters of the Fee-Jee
Islands and the Mud-bedaubers.
3. _The History and Romance of Elastic Webbing_ A moving account
of the lives and exploits of the men (and they were manly men)
who made the elastic webbing industry what it is today. The
last sentence is "Lest we forget, lest we forget!" I kid you not.
. . . more ugly books deeper in issue
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We trained hard, but it seemed every time we were beginning to
form up into teams, we would be reorganised. I was to learn later
in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganising, and
a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress
while producing confusion, inefficiency and demoralisation.
-->> From Petronii Arbitri Satyricon AD 66, attributed to
Gaius Petronus, a Roman General who later committed
suicide.
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$%#@#toil%$@#and%$#@trouble$%#@#toil%$@#and%$#@trouble$#@#$#yo$#@###$$$$$
To: tt2
Subject: Ugly Janitors of America
Here is the Ugly Janitors of America Official Credo taken from
John Trubee & The Ugly Janitors of America album:
"Naked Teenage Girls In Outer Space."
**Music is the only thing that matters.
**We do not care about being popular.
Only idiots yearn for the approval of others. Only idiots become popular.
**We do not care about material things
Only idiots waste their lives haggling over money. Only idiots
accumulate vast wealth.
**Everything human is alien to us.
**Worrying about what the neighbors will think is the most
despicable kind of cowardice.
**We do not heed social dictates.
Only weaklings need rules to give themselves an illusion of
security and a false sense of personal worth.
**Complacency and unreflective optimism are a kind of intellectual
and spiritual death, characteristic of the grinning imbecile.
**In a world of lies, the man who utters the truth is bound to appear insane.
o0OO0o0()00OoOoOoo0OO0o0()00OoOoOo0OoOoOoo0OO0o0()00()00OoOoOo()00OoOoOo
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Date: Sat, 11 Sep 1993 10:22:50 -0400
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Subject: Something to hide?
By Richard Ginn <rlg1@cornell.edu>, Ithaca, New York, USA
- 9 Sept. 1993 -
The United States Justice Department has requested that all files
relating to the Waco, Texas [Branch Davidian - David Koresh and
friends] raid by U.S. Government forces and the resulting deaths
be exempted from all Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) inquiries
and that the files be sealed so that no one may make any further
inquiries into the Waco incident.
The full text of the request can be found in the United States
Federal Register, Volume 58, Number 156, on Monday August 16, 1993,
page 43312.
The period for comment on this action expires on September 15, 1993
(six days from the date of this message), after which the files will
be sealed if there is no opposing comment by the public.
###########################################################
###########################################################
# Wilfredo Nunez, 43, died of head injuries after being #
# swept off his feet by unusually strong currents in a #
# New York City sewer in July while sifting through knee- #
# deep water searching for coins and trinkets. Said a #
# colleague, of the pair's expedition, "It doesn't smell #
# that bad down there, and you don't get that dirty." #
# [Columbia Tribune-New York Daily News, 7-12-93] #
# #
#_________________________________________________________#
"Have you ever dated someone because you were
too lazy to commit suicide?"
- Judy Tenuda
From: Don Steiny <steiny@steiny.com>
I met a guy that had been through a couple of divorces. He said
he isn't going to bother again; he's just going to find a woman he doesn't
like and buy her a house.
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* In May a spokesperson for the district attorney's
office in Newton, Mass., said prosecutors were "leaning
toward suicide" as the cause of death of a 52-year-old
man found floating in the Charles River. The body was
found tied with rope at the wrist and with electrical
tape over the mouth.
-Newton Graphic, 5-20-93
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What a chimera, then, is man!
What a novelty, what a monster, what a chaos,
what a contradiction, what a prodigy!
Judge of all things, helpless earthworm, depository of truth,
a sink of uncertainty and error.
Glory and scum of the universe.
Blaise Pascal
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abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
ghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzijklmnopqrstuvwxyzklmnopqrstuvwxyznopqrstuvwxyzqrstu
(from the Assholes with Weapons Department . . . )
Plastic Surgeon Shot by Defender of "Aryan Beauty"
Chicago (Reuter) - a white supremacist motivated by his
hatred for anyone "feeding off aryan beauty" has confessed to
the execution-style killings of a Chicago-area plastic surgeon
and a San francisco hairdresser, officials said on Tuesday.
Jonathan Haynes, 34, will undergo psychological testing to
determine his fitness for trial in the killing of Dr. Martin
Sullivan, whom witnesses say he gunned down on Friday.
In a suburban Chicago court on Monday, the dark-haired
Haynes, who refused a lawyer's services, said: "I condemn fake
Aryan cosmetics. I condemn bleached blond hair, tinted blue
eyes and fake facial features brought by plastic surgery."
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Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the
most useless: peacocks and lilies for instance.
John Ruskin
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It was previously a question of finding out whether or not a life had
to have a meaning to be lived. It has now become clear, on the contrary,
that it will be lived all the better if it has no meaning.
Albert Camus
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}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]]]]]]]]]]]]][[[[[[[[[[[[[[[{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{
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The Great and Glorious Horny Toad Himself:
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not
been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the
feminine soul, is: What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}]]]]]]]]]]]]][[[[[[[[[[[[[[[{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{
We are silly to go on pretending that under the skin we are all brothers.
The truth is more likely that under the skin we are all
cannibals, assassins, traitors, liars, hypocrites, poltroons.
Henry Miller
************************************************************************
This Guy is Just Too Cute!
One night when I was in high school, everybody was going to a card
game, and I didn't have any money. These guys were all rich, and I
told them I needed some money. So this guy Billy turned to me and, as
a joke, said, 'I'll give you a hundred bucks in you let the front
wheel of this Volkswagen roll over your head.' I thought about it,
said, OK, lay down, and they undid the brake. Then I got the $100,
went to the game and won $2,000. My friends laughed and said, 'You've
gotta have meat loaf for brains to do that!'
-- rock singer, Meat Loaf, explaining how he received his moniker
_______________________________________________________________________
ooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOooOoo
Enormous Fucking Con Trick Played on the Stupid Bourgeois
>From the regular feature, "Michael Coren's Diary" in FRANK magazine,
Issue 147, Aug. 5, 1993.
Michael Coren's contribution to Canada's latest artistic furor:
"Off to the National Gallery to peruse the Canadian public's latest
artistic purchase, a canvas by Mark Rothko entitled 'No. 16' and
bought for the highly reasonable price of $1.8 million. The picture
consists of a square of white paint surrounded by some red paint.
Yet, before the proletarian masses vomit their ignorance and
philistinism at we art lovers, it might be worth instructing the
unwashed in what this picture is really about. Its original title
was 'Enormous Fucking Con Trick Played on the Stupid Bourgeois
Cretins Who Run and Ruin the Fine Arts', and is actually part of
a much greater and larger work aimed at revolutionizing perception
and understanding. I suppose this will go above the heads of
ordinary people - how tiresome they are."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Ugly Book #4
> Our network's timely and useful collections include the following:
>
> Sabbath, Dan
> _END PRODUCT : THE FIRST TABOO_
> New York : Urizen, c1977.
>
> it is cataloged under the subject heading "Defecation--Social aspects."
>
> I am embarrassed to say that in a moment of weakness I actually
> *read* this book and found it alternately hilarious and fascinating.
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Bush War Record Questioned
New York (Reuter) - Harper's magazine said on Monday that
a World War Two document indicated that former U.S. President
George Bush may have committed a war crime when he was a
bomber pilot and that the U.S. media declined to report the
document's existence during the 1992 presidential campaign.
The document is a previously classified "aircraft action
report" on a bombing run in the South Pacific in which a
Japanese trawler ferrying military supplies to a
Japanese-controlled island was sunk by U.S. Navy planes,
including a bomber piloted by Bush. It says bombers involved
in the attack strafed lifeboats, breaking international law.
Sun, 15 Aug 1993 17:33:51
_______________________________________________________________________
To: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
From: autoresponder@WhiteHouse.Gov
Subject: Your mail has been received
Dear Friend:
Since June 1, 1993, the White House has received more
than 60,000 electronic messages. The messages have ranged
from opinions on national and world events to mail for Socks.
Your interest has been greatly appreciated.
-=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=--=+=-
"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping
to get lucky, but there's never any gum under
any of them."
- Emo Philips
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If god made the world, I would not be that god, for the misery of
the world would break my heart.
Schopenhauer
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: Scott_Forstall (Scott Forstall)
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 93 16:01:37 -0700
Cosmopolitan Magazine, one of the few remaining bastions of hard-hitting
journalism, has done a piece titled 'Careers in Computers' in their August
issue on how to get a job in the high-tech industry. Some excerpts:
[title]
"Careers in Computers -- No longer for nerds only, this heady,
high-tech world is where brilliant, sexy dynamos work, play, earn
megabucks!"
"There are *some* classic nerds, complete with plastic pocket pen
holder, but many in the field are intelligent and *hunky*! You'll find
them at computer conferences, seminars, expos and users' group
meetings. (Any business in which a major player is named Rod Canion --
founder and former CEO of computer manufacturer Compaq -- can't be
bad!) And a woman who sparkles when she's discussing megabytes and
hard drives can have her pick of the pack."
[sidebar]
"CompuSpeak Glossary -- Communicate with handsome computer jocks in
*their language*. Here's a quick guide to basic terms."
[ enough! ed. ]
====================================================================
____________________________________________________________________
Ugly Book #5
_The Yogi and the Bear: Indo-Soviet Relations_
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Noam buddy knows the troubles I've seen...
"Government turns to clandestine terrorist operations
when it's afraid of its own population." -N. Chomsky
"When I am afraid of the population of my country,
I turn to cheap booze and an amazing stereo." -B. Duk
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;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::;;;:::
There are two kinds of people in this world:
those who think there are two kinds of people in this world
and those who don't.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Change From Ugly Language
To Change Your Ugly Life?
. . . "Junkies" is an unsuitable term for intravenously challenged persons,
who should be referred to as "the epidermally accessible" so as not
to degrade their lifestyle. In addition, I do not like the word "dope"
for the pharmaceutically liberated substances in question because it both
devalues the laboatory technicians who create it and insults the
intellectually original persons whose derogatory name it perpetuates.
Addictive drugs of this sort should be called "non-prescription chemicals
of long-term commitment potential."
-->> Doktor Kultur responding to a letter charging that "Junkie" is a
degrading term used to describe people who sell their babies for
drugs as well as injecting themselves in the spaces between their
toes because they run out of room in their arms.
=={---}==[]=={---}==[]=={---}==[]=={---}==[]=={---}==[]=={---}==[]===
Subject: Re: Flush Rush Quarterly
From: Paul Borman <prb@random.cray.com>
Date: Fri, 27 Aug 1993 13:01:01 CDT -0500
Anyhow, I have some clearer details of the Bake Sale (I actually
heard it start).
Dan (Dave is close) called into the Rush Limbaugh program to commment
about something he read on a photostat of Mr. Limbaugh's newsletter.
Limbaugh cut him short and said something to the tune of "Wait, you
can't do that, that is violating my copyright. Why don't you *buy*
a copy?" To that, Dan replied "Because my wife won't let me spend the
$29.95." Limbaugh, just ready to grant him a "scholarship" of $29.95
so he could receive the newsletter free of charge, thought of the
recent events of grade school children holding bake sales to collect
10s of dollars to send into Mr. Clinton to reduce the national debt, and
flippantly said "Well Dan, why don't you hold a bake sale and earn
the money." And that was that.
Well... A later caller called in and explained that he was in charge of
some billboards in the Fort Collins area and he would put up a billboard
free of charge for Dan. Then another caller called in and said that he
was a trucker and he would not only drive down any promotional material
from New York (where Limbaugh's show is) to Fort Collins, but he would
also move Dan to anyplace in the U.S. if his wife divorced him.
To move the story along, the thing gained momentum and eventually they
had between 35,000 and 70,000 people show up in Fort Collins. Dan made
$40,000 by selling cookies, which he used to pay school loans with, and
everyone there had a good time.
I had a friend who went, he said it was the best time he has ever had,
and the people were so nice (no vandalism or excess littering). There
were a couple of flower pots broken, but that was done by a police horse
kicking them in by accident. He brought back some of Dan's cookies.
Chocolate chip, not as good as Mom makes.
oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Ugly Book #6
_The Romance of Proctology_
I couldn't resist offering my favorite "weird book title" for the
amusement of the group. It's The Romance of Proctology: which
is the story of the history and development of this much neglected
branch of surgery from its earliest times to the present day,
including brief biographic sketches of those who were its
pioneers. The author of this gem of medical history was Charles
Elton Blanchard, M.D., and the book was originally published in
1938 by Medical Success Press and reprinted by AMS Press in 1978.
I'd also like to take this occasion to quote from the first
sentence in the book's foreword: "No one knows who was the first
doctor to examine the rectal orifice of the human frame."
*****$$--$$*****$$--$$*****$$--$$*****$$--$$*****$$--$$*****$$--$$*****
Midlife crisis is no different from adolescence except that your face
doesn't break out and you have more money.
-- Howell Raines, Fly Fishing Through the Midlife Crisis
***))((***))((***))((***))((***))((***))((***))((***))((***))((***))((***
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
_____________________________________________________________________
////////////////////////////_____\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
To: alekz@welchgate.welch.jhu.edu
From: amoss@pennsy.jhu.med.edu (Andrew Moss)
In a downtown high-rise, on the 52nd floor lived two young men
(Many say they were a gay couple) in a large two bedroom appartment.
The view was fabulous, overlooking Mount Royal and the St-Lawrence
river. They had separate bedrooms, but shared one thing: The aquarium
in the living room. It was a huge one, on a wheeled table. to
facilitate cleanng, and had nearly 90 different tropical fish. Jerry,
24 had a bright idea, he wanted new fish, and bought 30 pirhanas and
put them in the aquarium. However, his room-mate, John was very upset
when he saw that the pirhanas ate ALL of his fish instead of the fish
food. All that was left in the tank were hungry pirhanas. In a fit of
rage John took the aquarium to the roof top pool on the 72nd floor,
while no one was there, and emptied the contents in the pool, and
went back home.
The next morning an elderly couple who used the pool for their
morning swim, was reduced to a mess of blood and BLEACHED BONES. The
police finally traced the pirhanas to Jerry, arrested him on two
counts second degree murder.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+[]=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+[]=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
In other aquarium news:
From: Miles R Fidelman <fidelman@civicnet.org>
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 23:06:53 -0500 (EST)
I saw this in the paper recently:
"Last summer, the cable television station that serves Columbia S.C.
aimed a camera full-time at an aquarium to occupy a vacant channel, which
was awaiting the September start-up of the Science-Fiction Channel. When
Sci-Fi replaced the 'fish channel,' complaints were so numerous that the
company was forced to find another channel for the aquairum, which now
runs 14 hours per day, sharing time with the Bravo Channel."
=={}===[]=={}===[]=={}===[]=={}===[]=={}===[]=={}===[]=={}===[]=={}===[]==
"The purpose of a fish trap is to catch fish,
and when the fish are caught, the trap is forgotten.
The purpose of a rabbit snare is to catch rabbits.
When the rabbits are caught, the snare is forgotten.
The purpose of words is to convey ideas.
When the ideas are grasped, the words are forgotten.
Where can I find a man who has forgotten words?
He is the one I would like to talk to."
-Chuang Tzu
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+[]=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+[]=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
We're still the only ones true to the original aims of punk.
Those other bands should be destroyed.
Mick Jones of the Clash
=+=+[]=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+[]=+=+=+=+[]=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+[]=+=+
Newsgroups: comp.human-factors
Gameboy is Ready to Zap Hotel Room Bibles: Indep 3 Sept 1993
In the hotel room of the future, writes James Cusick, spiritual comfort,
traditionally found in the Gideon's [sic] bible,
will have a rival. - Nintendo.
The UK hotels of the Jarvis Group, among them the Piccadilly in
Manchester and the Mount Royal in Edinburgh, have just concluded trials
of hand-held Nintendo Gameboy machines in all their rooms. The demand,
especially from executive businessmen, has astonished the hotel group.
"In a year we will be delivering services to 20 million people away from home," said Russell Braun, Nintendo's manager of engineering
The association of Christian business and laymen (who founded Gideons
International in 1899) is not worried. The association distributes
1 million bibles every 10 days, at an annual cost of $53m. Worldwide
there are 600 million Gideon's [sic]. "We are still battling with other
competitors like the Koran," said Brian Hickford, manager of Gideons
in the UK.
The Church Of England, said "The Bible survived television being put in
hotel rooms, it will survive this. The word of God is for everybody.
Ninendo isn't. Anyway, the Bible is far more interactive than any video
game."
The Independent Newspaper (London, UK)
~~~~~~~``````````````````````...............'''''''''''''~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
===============================[ ]==============================
WEIRDNUZ.295 (News of the Weird, October 1, 1993)
by Chuck Shepherd
* In August, the National Endowment for the Arts
hurriedly withdrew funding it had granted to three
California artists after it came under criticism from a
New York Times report. Artists David Avalos, Elizabeth
Sisco, and Louis Hock were participants in the NEA-
funded "La Frontera/The Border" project; their "art"
consisted of passing out signed $10 bills to illegal
immigrants to demonstrate to citizens the impact that
aliens have on the economy. Said one of the artists,
about the project, it is about "the interaction of
physical space with intellectual space and civic
space." Said a day laborer-recipient, "People don't
usually give us money." [New York Times, 8-12-93]
##############################################################
##############################################################
L.L. Shuns The Uglyness
I'm not interested in doing endorsements. I don't want to dance for
chicken. I don't want to rap about soda or beer. And I don't wanna
wear nobody's underwear. For me, personally, I would lose some of my
integrity.
-- rapmeister L.L. Cool J., explaining why he won't do commercials.
(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)
If buttered toast always lands butter side down and a cat always lands
on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast
to the back of a cat and dropped it?
(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)..(@)
Advertising in the Heavens: A Beautiful Sight
The Internet Letter Vol.1 - No1 October 1993 ISSN 1070-9851:
PUBLIC OUTCRY over plans to put a mile-long inflatable billboard in
Earth orbit has prompted the House and Senate to introduce legislation
banning space advertising. The Space Advertising Prohibition Act
would deny licenses for space billboards, ban import of products
advertised on billboards, and ask the president to seek an
international agreement on space advertising.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWideWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
WWWWWWorldWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWebWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Subject: Fractured English, banjo dept.
From: Rich Stillman x6135 <RSTILLMAN@HBS.HBS.HARVARD.EDU>
I came across the following example of the advertiser's craft on a label
pasted to the inside of an instrument at the local antique instrument
shop. The instrument claims to be a banjo, although it looks more like
the unfortunate result of a collision between a mountain dulcimer and a
typewriter. The instrument is all wood, finished in black paint and has
"Japan Music" written in gilt on the outside. My best guess is that it
was made sometime between 1920 and 1960. It has seven strings, six of
which are identical and cover a >total< of about an inch of width. There
are a number of typewriter-style keys with labels like "5#" which, when
struck, hit all seven strings simultaneously and produce a sound very much
like dropping a bowling ball in a piano, only much quieter. The instrument
has thus far defied all attempts to tune or play it. The greatest
entertainment has come from reading the label inside the soundhole. I
reproduce it here with every spelling error and comma in place. The
address at the bottom is legitimate, in case you decide you want to order
your own.
Special Quality Banjo
Best quality of excellent material, assured,
most attractive latest design, will finished,
matchlessly beautiful, sweetness tunes unique,
most, carefully inspected, minutely tested and
easiest of all the musical instruments to learn
and to play upon Peerlessly harmonious specially
suitable for Cinema tunes, English Indian Modern,
Oriental Ballads lyrics, and all types of melodies
can be enjoyed upon this Banjo.
LAXMI TON MUSICAL HOUSE
190, Khetwadi, 12 Lane
BOMBAY 4.
Of course, I have no connection with the above company, except as a
satisfied customer. ;-)
Now that's a banjo! If I could only find me some English Indian Modern
tablature...
:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::
I have the heart of a little child, and the brain of a genius
-- and I keep them in a jar under my bed.
:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::^^^===:::
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
Subject: NFS server not responding still trying
>From an upcoming NYT article about religon in Silicon Valley:
The valley's religious leaders have even begun to behave like
their high-tech counterparts. Rabbi Block, for example, has found
himself using new analogies in conversation with members -- among
the most effective being that ``God is the ultimate file server.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Taken from "The Dartmouth" , daily newspaper 8/20/93, page 1
"Some felt offended. Others felt empowered. Regardlesss, the shock value
of the Untamed Shrew's guerilla theater performance in Food Court Tuesday
has more people on campus thinking about this women's theatrical group
than ever before. At about noon, Shrew member Sally Rosenthal '95 shouted
from the balcony overlooking the eating area, 'If God had meant women to
give blow jobs, she wouldn't have given us teeth.' Then she bit off the
end of a cucumber and spit it over the railing..."
~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~@~~#~~
Subject: OTD update for 2 June 1993 (fwd)
>
>> June 2, 1993
>>
>> Events today ...
>>
>> Yell "Fudge" at the Cobras in North America Day.
>>
>>From Chase's Annual Events (1992 edition), page 184:
>
>Yell "Fudge" at the Cobras in North America Day. June 2. Anywhere
>north of the Panama Canal. In order to keep poisonous cobra snakes
>out of North America, all citizens are asked to go outdoors at noon
>local time and yell "Fudge." Fudge makes cobras gag, and the mere
>mention of it makes them skeedaddle. Annually, June 2. Info from:
>Wellness Permission League, c/o Thomas Roy, PO Box 248, Myerstown, PA
>17067. Phone: (717) 866-5193.
>
>The fact that there aren't any cobras native to North America might be
>because enough people observe this date. :-)
>-- geiser@pictel.com
---==={[]}===---oOo---==={[]}===---oOo---==={[]}===---oOo---==={[]}===---oOo
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Subject: Those Whacky Oregonians
_The Oregonian_, Friday, Nov. 12, 1993:
SILVERTON -- Dick Kromminga, principal at Silverton High School,
said a pep rally stunt last week that burned four students won't
ever be repeated.
The four suffered severe burns on their buttocks from sitting
on blocks of dry ice.
"We pulled a brain-deader, and we will make sure we don't do
it again," Kromminga said.
The girls were chosen by their classmates for a stunt last week
to see who could sit on the ice the longest. Dry ice, or solid
carbon dioxide, can be as cold as 112 degrees below zero.
The four were treated at Silverton Hospital.
Dr. Frank Lord said some of the girls may need skin grafts.
"The truth is, I've never seen any frostbite on this part of the
anatomy," he said.
===(..)=====[..]========={,.}===(..)=====[..]========={,.}===(..)=====[..]
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 15:20:32 -0400
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
Subject: [THE PEOPLE's ALMANAC 15 Favorite Oddities of All Time]
(from THE BOOK OF LISTS, 1977)
2. THE MOST REALISTIC MOVIE IN HISTORY
In 1914, a Hollywood motion-picture company signed a contract with
Mexican revolutionary leader Pancho Villa in which he agreed to fight his
revolution according to the studio's scenario in return for $25,000. The
Hollywood crew went down to Mexico and joined Villa's guerilla force. The
director told Pancho Villa where and how to fight his battles. The
cameraman, since he could only shoot in daylight, made Pancho Villa start
his fighting every day at 9:00 AM and stop at 4:00 PM--sometimes forcing
Villa to cease his real warring until the camera could be moved to a new
angle. When the completed film was brought back to Hollywood, it was found
to be too unbelievable to be released--and most of it had to be reshot on
the studio lot.
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
from: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Read PURPS
Police in Japan are trying to curb an unsavory trade. In early
September, three business men stocked around 90 vending machines
in outer Tokyo with used underwear "guaranteed to have been worn
by a Japanese schoolgirl."
So far about $211,000 worth of used panties have been sold.
The businessmen put the machines, which also dispensed
obscene magazines and videotapes, near primary schools and
other meeting points for young girls. Each garment sells for about $29.
After searching the rule books, the police have finally charged
the three entrepreneurs with violating the Antique Dealings Law, which
stipulates that dealers need a license. Used panties as antiques? The
police say that some of the underwear was bought from second hand dealers.
The trio may also be charged with swindling, if it can be shown that the
panties on sale had not really been worn by female students.
The Economist, page 76, October 18, 1993
*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*O0o*
| Now, now. Calm down. Take a few deep breaths, chill out.
| Then step outside. Look at something beautiful. Then blow
| your worthless brains out.
|
|_________________________________________________________________
from alt.geek (really)
Here is my regret list:
1) I don't own a toga.
2) I always fart when I pee.
3) I can't get dates because none of the chicks I know would want
to just hang around and talk about how awesome George Bush
was.
4) I've never tried goat cheese.
5) I never have had an opportunity to hold out a large mug and
bellow: "more ale!".
6) I never got into singing opera.
7) I never ruled Rome.
8) I didn't patent my set of tricks with those fun strips of
perforated paper from the edges of printouts.
9) Latin is a dead language, despite my attempts to revive it.
a) I never tried wearing plywood clothes.
b) I was never chummy with Nixon.
c) I don't have removable limbs.
d) I wasn't in "Casablanca".
e) I number everything in hex, which confuses bank tellers.
f) I have never owned a really comfortable pair of shoes.
/|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\
| | | | | | | | | | | |
\|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/
From: olivier@netcom.com (Michael Olivier)
Newsgroups: alt.sex
Subject: Re: THE Pick-up line response of the day
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, thank you!"
/|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\
| | | | | | | | | | | |
\|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/ \|/
Come, let us peel back the foreskin of misconception
and apply the wire brush of enlightenment.
-- Geoff Miller
oOo-=+=-oOooOo-=+=-oOo-=+=-oOo-=+=-oOo-=+=-oOo-=+=-oOo-=+=-oOo-=+=-oOo
Unlike with Reagan and Bush, who seemed groomed for this kind of thing,
you get the feeling with Clinton that every now and then he closes the
shades to the Oval Office, locks the door and screams, 'Whoa! This is
really cool!'
-- comedian Mike Tilford, of The Capitol Steps
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
ugly visions in .sig files:
.------------------------------------------------.
| Better a man with wooden leg on termite hill, |
| than man with tin leg in thunder storm! |
--------------------------------------------------
| John Gill, Medical School, University of Natal |
----------------- South Africa -------------------
Tony Cunningham, Insignia Solutions Ltd. tjc@insignia.co.uk
____________________________________________________________
This explains a lot about me. I thought it was the heavy
drinking, the late hours, the barking mad women, the lying
around in bed reading novels and eating Nescafe out of a
jar with the spoon. But it's because of the Mac.
==={..}==={..}==={..}==={..}==={..}==={..}==={..}==={..}=====
Ugly Suits:
The following was published Wednesday Sept. 15 in the Toronto
Globe and Mail:
Another gnuisance on the fringe
Brian (Godzilla) Salmi has started a political party to cash in
on voter disgust with politics - the Gnu Democratic Rhino Reform
party. There are only two things worth knowing about the party:
the "G" in "Gnu" is pronounced, and it's out to replace the
Rhinoceros Party as the voice of political spoofery in Canada.
The Gnus formed last month after splitting from the Rhinos over
a dispute involving a stripper and a professional dominatrix, he
says.
Mr. Salmi will be easy to spot at all-candidate forums. He dresses
in a green Godzilla suit. He intended the outfit as an anti-nuclear
warning, but his costume is so tattered and stupid-looking that most
people mistake it for Kermit the Frog.
"I don't get no respect."
___________________________________________________________________
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Beautiful Plans for World Marketin . . . er, Peace:
"We now sell virtually the same toys all over the world. So it stands
to reason, if all these kids are playing with the same toys, how could
they ever possibly fight with each other? There's a common thread
about how they grow up and what they play with. I thinks that's
terrific. It makes for one world."
- Charles Lazarus, founder and C.E.O., Toys "R" Us
8-) (^: 8) :*) 8-) (^: 8) :*) 8-) (^: 8) :*) 8-) (^: 8) :*)
Couple Beheaded For Incest
New Delhi (Reuter) - An entire village watched in silence
as the uncle of a young man and his bride chopped off their
heads with an axe for defying social norms, newspapers
reported on wednesday. Satish, 21, had eloped with Sarita, 20,
from the village of Khandrawali, the newspapers said. After
their marriage, the couple settled in Delhi. But Satish was
Sarita's uncle. Village elders considered the marriage
incestuous and an insult to a sacred relationship.
Khandrawali's 250 families, all outcastes, never forgave the
runaways, and they were beheaded after being lured back to the
village by a tale that Satish's father was in trouble.
^^^^____^^^^____^^^^____^^^^____^^^^____^^^^____^^^^____^^^^____^^^^
If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough
to be homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts.
-- writer Kurt Vonnegut,
from a lecture to students at Stanford University.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
And They say English is UGLY . . .
Gonzo is no dweeb, says New English Dictionary.
London (Reuter) - Grunge, dweeb, scuzz and gonzo have
officially entered English language. The latest edition of the
shorter Oxford English Dictionary, to be published next month,
also includes chattering classes and cereologist.
Grunge is "a style of rock music characterised by a
raucous guitar sound and a lazy delivery". A dweeb is a
"person who is boringly conventional, puny or studious". A
scuzz is an "unpleasant person". Gonzo, coined by american
journalist hunter s. thompson, is a "crazy person".
Chattering classes are articulate professionals who talk
about society and culture. Cereologists study crop circles.
===={{{{}}}}===={{{{}}}}===={{{{}}}}===={{{{}}}}===={{{{}}}}=====
What do you expect?
This was a country founded by religious nuts with guns.
o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*o*
Duck Pond Saves Skydiver
Napier, New Zealand (Reuter) - A 22-year-old novice
skydiver escaped with only a cut over the eye after his main
and reserve parachutes failed and he plunged 1,100 metres
(3,600 feet) into a marshy duck pond.
Klint Freemantle, recounting the freak accident on
Saturday on New Zealand's north island, said his main
parachute did not open and his emergency chute tangled up.
then he saw he might hit the pond, a metre (40 inches) deep.
"I splashed down before I thought I would," he said. "the
first thing I did was stand up and say 'Yes!' then I reeled
the chute in."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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[[ ]]
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tt
___________________________________
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tt2@well.sf.ca.us
