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The Undead Rise Dammit 07
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/\/\OO/\/\ ASCII BAT AND STUFF PROUDLY PRESENT /\/\OO/\/\
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THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
AN EZINE FOR ZOMBIES
WHAT'S A ZOMBIE IN LOVE TO DO?
TAKE A SEVENTH SPOONFUL OF THE TURD!
I'm not usually one to spend the end of the year partying, but this year was an
exception. Not only did the party rock, but I saw her...
That's right zombists of the Internet nation, ASCII BAT has fallen in love with
a girl... a zombie girl no less!
Hard to believe, but I first saw her in the early night, as she performed for a
crowd of drunk party goers... The music rocked and she just stood their, her
dark eyes, swaying back and forth, and I knew that sway... It's the sway all
little zombie girls learn to someday capture the hearts of zombie boys and here
was a zombie girl swaying for yours truly.
What I didn't know was that this girl was a very famous up and coming musician
in the pop music scene. She was doing her zombie dance for this crowd only
because MTV said it was ok. And you could tell by the zombie look on her face
that she wasn't happy. All little zombie boys know that when a zombie girl
does her zombie dance for a crowd void of zombie boys she gets very sad. It
was then that I knew what I had to do, I had to get her attention. I had to
find this zombie girl and tell her that I saw her dance and then, then she
would know...
We would then be married by the great Haitian voodoo priests that all young
zombie lovers go to to be wed.
---
"Sorry, if you're not on the list, you can't get past this checkpoint."
"You don't understand... I have to see that girl."
"Which girl?"
"The one, who sang. The zombie!"
"Haha, that's funny kid. You must mean Avril Lavine. She's not a zombie,
she's a Canadian. But since you're so funny, you must've just been taking off
our list as a joke [read: reality plothole/fault that allowed me to meet my
zombie princess!] so come on in!"
"Thanks big scary mean bouncer guy! It's nice to know that humor can take a
zombie a long ways in places like MTV."
"Wait, you're a zombie!?"
"Yeah."
"By order of Carson Daly, there is a strict NO ZOMBIE POLICY!"
"What? Are you serious!?! That douche. Why would he ban zombies and then
have one play live on tv to all these people!?"
"Sorry kid."
"Man, I don't want to do this. You like funny stuff. But if you are going to
keep me from my zombie bride to be, I'm going to have to eat your brain."
"Kid, you don't wanna mess with this."
---
While eating a brain, almost anything is an interruption and this security
guard's radio was no exception.
"What's going on down there!? We're completely swamped with guests up here!"
In between bites of brain I answer back... (using the special property that
brains eaters have of being able to immitate the owner of the brain they eat)
"Man, I got distracted. But nevermind that. Listen, we have a BIG problem.
That Canadian chick is a zombie."
"OH SHIT!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?"
"Very."
"Well, we better take care of this before Carson Daly here's about it."
"That's right."
"And I'll send someone down to cover your post. You go and party."
"Right on!"
---
"HEY! Don't you guys know who I am!?!"
"Yes, we know all about you. Carson Daly said you weren't allowed in the
party."
"WHAT!? But we were just talking about how much he likes my songs!"
"You mean you were just talking about how you wanted to eat his brains right?"
"What the fuck, you Americans!"
"THAT'S RIGHT!"
Avril gets thrown out of the door promptly. A group of her fans see this and
go to help her up but the security guys shoo the crowds off.
"CAREFUL! SHE MIGHT EAT YOUR BRAINS!"
Being comprised of drunkards, the crowd is confused and goes back to waiting in
line. This is when I make my move.
I reach out my hand holding the rest of the security guard's brain and smile at
her.
"Would you like some?"
She smiles.
"You know, I wasn't sure if anyone saw me dancing like that."
"I did. Wanna come back to my place?"
She stands up and dusts herself off, then takes a bite of the brain.
"Wow. It's still fresh."
"Hehe yup. Happy New Year, my zombie bride to be..."
We kiss and I take her back to my place where stuff surprises us with the
bestest brain meal he's ever made.
----
And in case you were wondering, undead sex is waaaaaaay better than live sex
will ever be.
END OF TURD #7
WRITTEN BY: ASCII BAT
01-07-03
