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The Undead Rise Dammit 06
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/\/\OO/\/\ ASCII BAT AND STUFF PROUDLY PRESENT /\/\OO/\/\
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THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
AN EZINE FOR ZOMBIES
YOU NEVER WOULDA GUESS THAT, WOULD YOU!?!
A SIXTH ATTEMPT AT EXPLAINING MY ZOMBISM
ASCII BAT here saying hello to everyone out there in Internet land. How're
things going for you? Still bustling all over the place wandering through
zombies at the mall trying to get all the holiday shopping done? You know, I
watched this movie last night, "Dawn of the Dead" and it made me wonder if
perhaps I'm not explaining myself as well as I should.
You see, I am a zombie. I really am. Where I come from, people would refer to
me as a zombie. However, when a person becomes a member of the undead in my
world, they do not rot and do not become subhuman. To consider me or anyone
like me subhuman is very silly where I come from.
Maybe you're yourself asking where I come from, but I don't need to tell you
just yet. Being the patient sort you are, the answers will be revealed to you
soon enough. I should warn you of a couple things though.
First, I didn't come to know STUFF until after arriving here. We met after he
made a brief appearance on your popular Iron Chef show. (explained in TURD #5)
It was his appearance on that show that made me want to come here. The thing
about me is that I really do believe that brains can give you special powers if
ingested, it's like mushrooms or peyote. (That's the best example I can think
of that relates to a typical human practice) Zombism is akin to what you'd
call a religion, a way of life. It's like breathing. Your typical zombie eats
brains to survive, a zombist eats brains to evolve, to move ahead on his path,
like a board game. (You are familiar with board games aren't you? I'm not
totally sure if they still exist here, but board games are quite a pastime for
many zombists.)
But I've said to much already. Just know that STUFF is a creation of here and
not where I come from. The same goes for NOPOLIS too. My communications with
him have been extremely limited and frankly I'd like to keep it that way.
Anyone who is ANTI-TURD is anti-zombist and must be destroyed.
It seems confusing, but zombism is something I believe many people you know
will want to pursue. Involving complicated philosophies from throughout the
universe and many favorite pastimes of humans and zombies alike, zombism isn't
about bringing happiness or empty afterlife promises. (For a zombist the
after life is only the beginning but it's not the last step in the conceptions
of what life is.)
When the time comes, it'll be written out for you as it was written out for me
and many like me. You aren't born a zombist, it's a choice just like anything
else. Don't be afraid to make the choice when the time comes. Just believe.
But on the subject of "Dawn of the Dead." I never expected to see such a
blatant display of not sharing on the part of the humans in that film is
disapointing. I thought maybe when worse comes to worse that people would ban
together and help one another out but instead you have an isolated group
keeping an entire mall of loot to themselves. That's not cool at all. Some of
those zombies looked like they were enjoying walking around the mall. I was
glad that those crazy bikers broke through the doors and let the zombies back
in.
I didn't know how to feel watching all this anti-zombie footage. It scares me
that here used to be a place full of anti-zombie folk. Maybe it's just
rednecks like in the movie. But that makes me wonder, is NOPOLIS a redneck?
Can rednecks be vampires? I don't think I've ever seen a movie about redneck
vampires. The only thing I've seen in a movie that reminds me of a redneck
vampire is when Cheech plays that one sorta vampire dude in "From Dusk 'Till
Dawn." He said pussy a whole hell of a lot, and wore a flannel checkered
shirt. That makes him a redneck in my book (just look at how many rednecks own
a flannel shirt with black and red checkers on it. THINK ABOUT THAT!)
So what I'm wondering is, if I started hanging out in public, do you think
rednecks would try to shoot me? Even if I was hanging out in big cities and
stuff, do big cities have rednecks lurking in the shadows?
If they do, remind me to stay out of big cities. That's probably not safe
though. Most rednecks avoid the cities too. Dammit, so far I hate it here.
Here is nothing like the other zombists said it would be like.
END OF TURD #6
WRITTEN BY: ASCII BAT
12-21-02
