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The Toxic Custard Workshop Episoder 231 to 235
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*******NUMBERS 231 TO 235*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN*******
*****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no*****
***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries***
"A Toxic '94"
Toxic ########## ###### ######
Custard #### #### ##### #### ####
Workshop #### #### ####
Files #### #### ####
#### #### ####
31st December 1994 #### #### ####
#### #### #### ####
Farewell to '94 ############### ####### ########
Salutations, people with warped minds (and others). Well, welcome to
the last day of 1994. I personally find it rather worrying that we're
going into the second half of this decade already... I mean, where
the hell did it vanish to? Oh well...
Not to worry. Plenty has happened over the last year. Keeping in the
tradition of world history, most of it has been *bad* news, with a
bit of *good* news thrown in just to give us a bit of hope and spirit
for living.
* Russia and Chechnya have a little tiff, because... umm.. well,
actually it's because a Chechnyan contractor did a really bad
pebble-dash job on Boris Yeltsin's driveway.
* Yugoslavia continues fighting amongst itself... themselves...
itselves... Anyway, they continue to fight, because... umm... they
don't like each other. And someone said something very nasty about
Slobodan Malosovic's haircut.
* The IRA and British Government finally work out that bombing the
crap out of Northern Ireland and each other probably isn't going to
get anyone anywhere, except closer to the next life. So they decide
to call it a day and be friends at last. Well, perhaps not quite
friends, but you know what I mean...
* The Pope (you know, that sad lonely guy in white who drives around
in a really tall car, and knows too much about aircraft safety for
his own good, hence his kissing the ground whenever he lands)
publishes "Crossing The Threshold of Hope", a romantic 400 page
adventure novel. Sadly, it fails to make it into the Top Ten, causing
disappointment amongst readers who were expecting it to be a
realistic moral guide to living in the 1990s, rather than an
idealistic work of fantasy.
* Rwanda draws the short straw, and has this year's African famine.
And everyone who gives money to help feels really good about
themselves, and swears they didn't do it just to claim a tax
deduction. And everyone who doesn't give feels very guilty every time
an ad comes on the telly about it.
* North Korean leader Kim Il Sung dies after being very Il
* United Nations Population Conference concludes in Cairo with all
countries agreeing that they were resolute in not getting around to
mutually agreeing to actually do anything
* Telecom hits an Australian record corporate profit of A$1.7
billion. Of course, the cynic in me says no way will they reach that
next year, now that I don't work for them anymore...
* Up and coming airline pilot Frank Corder fails his navigation test,
when he flies his light plane into the White House. Oops!
* The Order Of The Solar Temple, certified YABORLs (Yet Another Bunch
Of Religious Lunatics) all decide to commit suicide to achieve
spiritual well-being. They'd obviously failed to realise that physical
very-deep-shit-being would also result.
* What begins as a practical joke of gluing down the accelerator and
locking the steering wheel ends in anger, as Ayrton Senna hits the
wall.
* Another Asian Pacific Economic Committee (or whatever the hell APEC
stands for) meeting takes place in Indonesia. World leaders from the
Pacific Rim arrive to see how bad the painted pictures of them placed
on public buildings by their Indonesian hosts are.
* The Achille Lauro sinks after catching fire off Somalia. That's one
ship that's probably better off sunk. Let's face it, the damned thing
was doomed. It sounds like one of those Swamp Castles in Monty Python
And The Holy Grail... "was hijacked, burned down, rolled over, and
*then* sank into the swamp"...
* South Africans finally catch up with the basic concepts of
democracy. Which is that everyone gets to play.
* Kurt Cobain finds a novel way of hiding the oil on the garage floor
when he blows his head off. Actually, let me share with you the best
Cobain quote I've heard so far: "I think it was Kurt... in the
garage... with the shotgun." - Cam Winstanley, Amiga Power magazine
And I'll leave you with this little thing 'ere, created by me and
Brian Smith, which I never got around to finishing off completely.
And I have a nasty feeling that someone else came up with the same
thing... but oh well, here you go:
He's got shredded jeans
Don't know what it means
Cobain
Said he don't have a gun
But he must have got one
Cobain
Was it somethin' we said
Now he's blown off his head
Cobain
He's in bits
He's in bits
He's in bits
Cobain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The remainder of Toxic Custard's holiday timetable
is roughly estimated to be as follows-:
TCWF 231 - 31/12/94 - A farewell to '94
TCWF 231a - 9/1/95 - The best Of Part 2
TCWF 232 - 16/1/95 - (back to "normal")
In the meantime, you can catch up with all the
Toxic Custard back-issues on ftp or on World Wide
Web. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen - - - - - - -| Grandma got run over by a Volvo
Melbourne, Australia - - -| Going home from our place New Years' Eve
dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu - -| You might think Volvos have good drivers
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | But proving not is Gran's internal bleed
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TCWF 231a, "Toxic Custard Reheat #2", was sent on 9/1/95 to
subscribers only, and included Ingredients (24), Macbeth (21),
StuffED (24), WrongTimePhone (27), Video Guide (41), Police & Fire
Games (41), Golf Report (45) and Custard (38).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Toxic Airlines Flight 232 to nowhere..."
----. ----. ----. TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
.---' ---< .---' Number 232 - 16th January 1995
|____ ____| |____ Still written by Daniel Bowen... Nope, haven't
managed to ditch the old TCWF yet... it's still grabbing me by the
arm and dragging me in front of the keyboard every week. And to start
off the year, I'd like to introduce you to the power of thought. The
power of thought is a wonderful thing. It enables us to imagine
things beyond what actually exists. It makes it possible for us to
consider philosophical and theological questions far beyond the
realms of common sense. For instance, imagine if you were two-
dimensional... if you walked at exactly the right angle in the rain,
you wouldn't get wet.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
If God hadn't wanted us to fly, he wouldn't have given us Frequent
Flyer points. And so we all climb into gigantic metal birds that buzz
around the skies. Am I the only one who thinks something that big
shouldn't be able to move, let alone fly? Oh yeah, for sure, it all
seems to work, but surely according to basic physics, it shouldn't.
(I think the rule I'm thinking of is the one where something bloody
heavy will invariably fall into the ground and crash in a screaming
heap.)
So, I've been investigating it all, and finally discovered how
aeroplanes fly. The whole aircraft is subject to a LGDF - a Local
Gravity Denial Field. During flight, everyone in the plane suspends
their belief in gravity.
There's something alarming about flying. Especially if you don't
trust the LGDF principle (and let's face it, who the hell would?). In
one incident last year, an Singapore-bound jet had to return to
Sydney after more than 10% of the passengers on board decided that
gravity did exist after all. But if all is well, you'll get to your
destination in one piece. And so will the plane. (Whether or not your
luggage will is the subject of much debate.)
It begins quite calmly enough, taxiing around the airport, watching
the air stewards miming out where the emergency exits are. Suddenly,
the engines thrust, and you're pushed back in your seat, and before
you can say you think you saw the wings wobble, you're off the
ground, which is moving away from the plane at a very alarming angle.
And as the plane banks, you again get the impression that the ground
is falling towards you. Or perhaps vice versa.
From then on it's pretty dull, until you near your destination, when
once again the ground comes towards you... there's a bit of a thump,
and all those fancy reverse thrusters and brakes and stuff slow you
down and you eventually end up taxiing around again, to the terminal.
Easy.
That's the theory. Some of you may have read in the Australian press
on the weekend about a bunch of Heroin smugglers being caught. The
relevance to this topic will come apparent in a moment. Look for the
asterisk.
I took a company-paid trip to Sydney on Friday. We missed our flight
back, and had to rebook for a 1945 flight. (Obviously I mean 7:45pm,
not the-same-year-the-second-world-war-ended. Well, no, not
obviously, or I wouldn't have had to clarify it, would I.)
Anyway, the amended itinerary went something like this.
1820 Arrive Sydney airport.
1825 Check-in.
1830 Bluff our way into the Golden Whinge Club.
1945 Hear boarding call. Head for the terminal.
1955 Board plane. Grab headphones for Elvis medley miming session
during trip.
2000 Pilot says hello, and that he'll be taking off shortly, and
flying the plane very fast. (Really! I think I like this
guy! Normally I'd think "get the hell off the microphone
and do some more safety checks or something". But this guy
was good.)
2010 Pilot says he's very embarrassed, but the little truck thing
that's meant to push us out onto the runway has run out of
fuel.
2025* Two more people come down the aisle, have a few words with
two people, one of whom is in the row behind us. The former
two arrest the latter two, before taking them off the
plane! Shit?! Yep, two heroin smugglers, who (according to
the newspaper) had white powder in their luggage... hmmmm
2030 Pilot owns up to lying through his teeth, and prepares for
take-off. Let the Elvis medley miming session begin!
Cool huh? Well worth the delay. Hmm... I wonder if their tickets are
refunded? (Probably the least of their worries...)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 28 of Heaps
1378 AD
Rival Popes elected in Rome and Avignon. In the end, they meet in
the ring to fight 15 rounds for the Papacy.
1381
Heavily taxed, tied to the land as serfs (how very awkward... I
wonder what kind of rope they used?), the peasants revolt under
Twat Tyler. Oops, sorry, WAT Tyler. Tyler is murdered and the
rising crushed, but from this time serfdom gradually declines until
the 1950-60s, when it is revived, and serf culture spreads widely,
particularly on the American west coast.
1384
Death of John Wycliffe, who has attacked abuses in the Church of
Rome, and ordered a translation of the Bible into English. Oh...
my... God! The nerve of the man! Wanting people to know what
they're praying about! Wycliffe particularly opposed the priests
who abused the Latin sermons, and included sections that requested
that they receive copious amounts of gold, silver, jewels, and oral
sex.
1385, 88
Scots invade England; Richard II takes Edinburgh. Ever noticed how
much bloody British history there is in this thing? It's because
I'm copying ummm, err, I mean *adapting* from an English history.
All the same, I might chop it down a little. Anyway, the Scots are
victorious at Otterburn. Okay, who the hell named this town
Otterburn? That's really not very nice. They couldn't name it after
the rolling hills, or the deep forest. Oh no, that had to name it
after cute aquatic fish-eating carnivores on fire. Yuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*Yawn*, that's another Toxic Custard
over and done with. If you'd like to
catch up on back-issues, they're
available by FTP or WWW. Enquire at
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided no modifications are made.
-- _______
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia-| //\\==//\ A
Computer Power Education, ITS R&D--| //||==/\\/\ D a n i e l ' s
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu--------|''''`` B r a i n
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu----------| P r o d u c t i o n *
*Does this look
even remotely
like a brain?+
+No.#
#Oh well.
PS. The Pope arrives in Australia this Wednesday. Same day as Bill
Gates. This may provide the opportunity to determine whether or not
they are one and the same person. Think about it! You never see Bill
and John Paul together at the same time, do you? For all we know,
Bill walks out of his Redmond HQ, gets into a phone box and comes out
wearing white robes... "Bringing affordable software to the mass home
computer market and making a packet of money in the process? This
sounds like a job for... SuperPope!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Almost dead Toxic Custard"
tcwft###t###t#w#t#w###wftcwf t o x i c c u s t a r d
tcwftc#ft#wft#w#t#w###wftcwf w o r k s h o p f i l e s
tcwftc#ft###t#####w#tcwftcwf # 2 3 3 , 2 2 n d J a n
According to the papers, Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping has slipped
into a coma, and is not expected to live much longer. At least,
that's what his daughter says. The Chinese Government, well known for
always telling the truth, claims he's in very good health... "for
someone of his age" (90).
It sounds like Russia was ten years ago. What is it about Communist
countries that makes them lie about the health of their aging
leaders? Are they paranoid that the rest of the world will think
their Meals On Wheels is no good? So much so that they have to keep
claiming that their glorious leader is up and about and playing
squash regularly, when in fact he's been dead for two months?
It seems to me that they need to change the way they choose their
leaders. They should revise the application form. And ensure that
the person applying fills it in themselves, so they don't get any
more embarrassing incidents of putting in dead people as leaders, who
have to be propped up against a wall on the Presidential Balcony
during parades. The application form should start off something like
this:
APPLICATION TO HEAD A COMMUNIST DICTATORSHIP/PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC
1. Are you in good health? (That is, do you fully expect to see out
the decade without the aid of a life-support machine, or should we
stop asking you silly questions and call the undertaker right now?)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It's such a bummer that I've grown. It's not nearly so easy to enjoy
the park playground equipment anymore. Sure, the roundabout thing is
cool (and one of the best ways to induce vomiting without resorting
to alcohol or banned substances). But most of the rest are far too
small. It's a squeeze getting onto the swings. Ditto the slides. And
the monkeybars lack real challenge, because my feet reach the ground.
Crawling through the mud in those little concrete tunnel things seems
to have lost some of the appeal it used to have. And remember those
round things you got inside and turned the wheel in the middle and it
went round and round?
The other thing I can't do anymore is run around like a maniac
without being stared at. Heck, even trying to balance walking along a
wall doesn't avoid the attention of passers-by. Doesn't mean it's not
fun though.
Of course, it has its benefits. Once upon a time, when in the toy
shop, I'd have to badger my parents for a toy. Now I can just buy it.
Ahhh... the joys of having a disposable income. And since I'm about
to be a father, I'll have a perfect cover for buying toys. Brilliant.
Maybe I can even rebuild my (once not insubstantial) Lego collection.
Sadly, I sold it off during my teenage Recreation Infrastructure
Rationalisation years. Though it surprises me a great deal that not
even one Lego block has managed to follow me into adult life. Christ
knows, back then, they used to get *everywhere*.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Part 29 of Far Too Many
1399 AD
English Parliament deposes Richard II, and accepts the Duke of
Bereford as King Henry IV. Oh wow guys, like People's Revolt, you
know. Down with the king! Yeah! Power to the common man! Yeah!
Let's throw out the bloodsucker, and put someone else in charge! A
real person! Someone who understands the plight of us working
people! A commoner! A starving, poor bastard trying to make a
living from the soil! Yeah! Ummm... how about... umm... the Duke of
Bereford?
1415-22
Henry V (the next Henry, the one after the previous one) is bored
one Saturday afternoon, and decides to renew the war against
France. He gets as far as Harfleur and Agincourt before telling
everyone it was only a joke. Nobody believes him by this point, and
by 1420 the French recognise him as the next king, and give him a
spare princess to stop him getting bored on future Saturday
afternoons. He dies in 1422, and the war continues.
1429-31
The English overcome all French resistance except in Orleans.
That'll be Old Orleans, as opposed to New Orleans. There they are
driven off by Joan of Arc, and a few friends. They capture her
later and burn a steak for her. Oh, sorry, burn her *at* the stake.
1445
Johann Gutenberg perfects a device that will be used in future
centuries to bring people all the latest racing results and bingo
competitions: the printing press. He sets up his printing business
in Mainz. The United Scribe And Hieroglyphists Union set up a
picket outside, but to no avail.
1453
The Eastern empire ends, as Constantinople falls to the Ottoman
Turks, who sweep into Greece and across to the Danube, bringing
their blue toilet ducks with them. (Da da da da... da... dum dum,
dum dum...)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello. In our sealed section (available
only by request), we reveal the full
torrid details of how to get back-issues
of Toxic Custard, by FTP and WWW! Send
your perverted, depraved request in a
plain brown wrapper to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided no modifications are made.
-- \ /
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia|TCWF is . . . . A\-------/
Computer Power Education, ITS R&D-| D|a\n i/e|l ' s
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------| B|r a.i n|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| P|r/o d\u|c t i o n
/-------\
Graphic artist's rendition / \
of my brain exploding--->
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate Toxic Custard"
== =.. .@ @@@ @/ // Toxic Custard Workshop Files
==== ===. ....@ @@@ @/ ///// Number 234, 29th January 1995
==== ===. ....@ @ @ @/ /// written by Daniel Bowen
==== ===.. .@@ @ @@/ /////
THINGS I HATE #1
When I'm about to get on the train... I hear a click, which sounds
like the doors being released. So I start to open the door, and it
won't budge. I continue to tug, while the people behind me wait
patiently. After a few seconds trying, I say "I don't think it's
working", and move towards the next door along. The guard, obviously
waiting for precisely this moment, releases the door, and the person
who was behind me opens it with no effort whatsoever.
(What do I do then? I keep walking, get on board, and bury my head in
a book, what do you think?!)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
There is a saying about postal deliveries, which goes something like
this. "When the postie comes to deliver a parcel, you will either not
be home (in which case you'll have to collect it from the post office
later), or you'll be totally unprepared for anyone to knock on the
door at that particular moment". Well, it goes something like that,
anyway.
I took a day off last Friday, and so quite naturally was still in my
pyjamas, pottering around the house by the time 10am came around,
along with the postie. And I answered, in my PJ'S, rather than have
to traipse to the post office later. Embarrassment forced me to try
and explain to him that no, I'm not a dole bludger lazing around all
day and scrounging off the system. Honest. I pleaded with him that I
was a well-paid computer person who just happened to be having a day
off, lazing around playing video games.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THINGS I HATE #2
When I'm munching on an apple. And as I chew a mouthful, I notice the
grower's label, and decide "I'll peel it off in just a moment". And I
take another few bites. And I chew another mouthful, take another
look at the apple... and the label has gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Holy shit, Part 30 already?!
1455 AD
A late end to the Hundred Years' War (which started in 1337), which
is disastrous for England, who are charged 18 years overdue fines
on all the weapons and armour they borrowed. Just when they thought
there'd be an outbreak of peace, the Duke Of York and Henry VI get
into an argument at the Chelsea Flower Show, and so begins the Wars
Of The Roses.
1476
Caxton buys the first printing franchise off Gutenburg, and sets up
his own printing business in England. He advertises heavily that
he's the "only printer in the country. Caxton, for all your
printing needs." Unfortunately, few of the population can read, let
alone want business cards printed.
1478
Inquisition begins in Spain.
No. Not a word.
*No*. No mention will be made of whether it was expected or not.
Can we move on to the next item please?
1483-85
Major arguments, many of them involving proclamations, huge
feasts, murdering people in towers, etc, between Edward IV, Edward
V (and sibling), Richard III, Henry Tudor, etc, etc. Why can't
these people all just get along in peace and harmony?
1487-88
Bartholomew Diaz, Portugal, rounds the Cape of Good Hope, which was
originally called the Cape of Oh Shit Look At The Size Of Those
Waves Man The Lifeboats Dear God You Know I've Always Looked Up To
You Hey Where Did We Put The Bailing Buckets.
1492
Ferdinand of Aragon and Isabella of Castile, whose marriage unites
Spain, finally free the country from the Moors by capturing
Granada. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes them 503 years later when I
am unable to think of anything funny to say about them.
1492-96
Christopher Columbus, an Italian in Spanish service, is busy in
central America, discovering places. He also discovers he should
have taken more than five changes of underwear, because it's a long
way between laundromats.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THINGS I HATE #3
CDs that have lots of songs, but don't show the track numbers against
the songs on the listing, so you have to use a combination of trial,
error and basic mathematics to find the one you want. This can be
particularly deadly when listening to compilations featuring artists
who, not to put too fine a point on it, make you violently throw up.
One slip-up counting what track number you want, and you might find
yourself having to use a CD player covered in vomit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, okay, I admit it. The rumours are true.
Toxic Custard back-issues are available by ftp
and WWW. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided no modifications are made.
--
Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia| All opinions related above
Computer Power Education, ITS R&D-| are my own, naturally. You
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------| couldn't possibly think
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| otherwise, could you?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Genuine replica Toxic Custard"
ToxicCustardWorkshopFiles235WrittenByDanielBowen6/2/95
======================================================
SPECIAL OFFER!
Collect 50 wrappers from Toxic Custard, attach $50,000,000 for
postage and packing(*), and we'll send you a free miniature Toxic
Custard delivery truck. These model T Ford trucks date back to the
1920s, when Toxic Custard was hand-delivered to households, fresh
every morning.
Back then of course, Toxic Custard was not the complex set of spoofs
it is today. Although delivered daily, it was always the same joke.
The editor back then, Jeremiah Bowen, began the family business in
early 1905, anticipating the humour boom of the 1900s. Toxic Custard
therefore actually predates the now hugely popular rec.humor.funny,
Whiteboard News and UGA Humor lists, which were established several
months later.
Nevertheless, Toxic Custard was successful even through the
depression, when its "Penny Per Punchline" price was considered a
bargain. Toxic Custard was sent to Australian troops fighting in
World War 2. Inspired by the Cold War, "The Adventures Of Senor
Popsicle" began in 1953. The "Toxic History Of The World" began in
1961, and the "Toxic Custarpedia" ran from 1971 to 1974. Current
editor Daniel Bowen took over from the ailing Jeremiah in 1982. And
Toxic Custard continues from strength to strength.
(*) Fairly elaborate postage and packing, obviously.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In this day and age, with the fear of AIDS, and rampant homophobia,
is it really necessary to blame yet another thing on homosexuals?
Holland seem to be blaming this whole flooding thing on their weak
dykes. Dykes are people too, you know. Why should they always be the
ones to stand up to the flooding? I say we all get our support behind
our Lesbian sisters. (Actually, I don't think my sister *is* lesbian,
but you know what I mean).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In our last exciting History instalment, Christopher Columbus
discovered Central America, the Spanish Inquisition got underway, and
the Wars Of The Roses got off to a flying start. What wacky events
will happen this week? Who will discover whom? Who will declare war
on whom? Set against the background of a world half undiscovered by
the other half, who are far too busy being irritable and burning each
other at the stake to discover anything, we present:
TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD
Blimey, Part 31, will it ever end?
1497-1503 AD
Amerigo Vespucci explores Mexico, part of the East coast of
America, and the South American coast, making a note of all the
really good coffee shops. At one stage Amerigo and two crew mates
put on big hats and ride around calling themselves "The Three
Amerigos", but it's only a passing phase.
1498
Vasco de Gama discovers a sea-route from Europe to India. During
voyages below deck, he also discovers what are later mispelt as
Gamma Rays. Unfortunately, he has no idea what they do, what they
look like or what they are, so the discovery remains untold.
1498
Columbus lands on the mainland of South America. He immediately
finds a native village and demands to be taken to a dry-cleaner,
having not changed his underwear for six years.
1502-4
Columbus discovers Trinidad, but manages to overlook Tobago. Christ
knows how he missed it, for heaven's sake, it's right next door!
1509
Sebastian Cabot explores the American coast as far as Florida, but
is unfortunately shot in the first of the now infamous Floridan
tourist murders.
1513
James IV of Scotland invades England, but has his arse whipped at
Flodden. Now James, that really wasn't very clever, was it? No.
Now, you go over into the corner and be quiet. No dessert for you
tonight young man.
1517
Martin Luther, founder of Protestantism, nails to the church door
at Wittenburg his condemnation of many practices of the Church of
Rome. Amongst these are:
- leaving jam on the butter knife
- placing the boiled eggs in the egg cup pointy-end down
- leaving the toilet seat up
and - using the remote control to change channels without asking
anybody if they were watching
1519
Cortes conquers Mexico. That's all. With three little words, a
nation crumbles under invasion. "Cortes conquers Mexico". <Author
rummages for another book> Shit, until I just looked it up in
another book, I didn't know that Cortes was a Spanish conquistador.
Apparently he decided to crush the whole of Mexico after the Aztec
king, Montezuma, told the nation that Cortes had a very small
penis.
1519-22
Ferdinand Magellan sails around the world for the first time. With
the proviso that he himself only makes it as far as the
Philippines. Oh well. But he does manage to name the Pacific Ocean.
Not a bad feat. And he writes a book later adapted for modern times
by Jules Verne, entitled "Around The World In 3 Years And 27 Days".
1520
Martin Luther publicly burns the Papal Bull excommunicating him,
proclaiming it to be Papal Bullshit. Protestantism spreads easier
than soft-spread butter through Europe. In Switzerland it is
established by Calvin, whose followers in France, the Huguenots
(pronounced "Hugenose"), get really pissed-off with the Catholics,
who have quite small noses. In Scotland the Reformation, as this
great movement is called, triumphs by 1560, largely owing to the
teaching of Calvin's disciple, imaginary tiger Hobbes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You probably don't really want to know that
Toxic Custard back-issues are available by ftp
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Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
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--
Daniel Bowen, in sometimes sunny, sometimes not, Melbourne, Australia------
Work: bowed@cpgen.cpsg.com.au (Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project)
Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu------------------
All opinions are naturally my own. Who else would want them?---------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
Copyright (c) 1994, 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed
without profit provided this notice remains intact.
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