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The Undead Rise Dammit 05
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THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
AN EZINE FOR ZOMBIES
IF EVER THERE WAS A BETTER ZOMBIE CHEF!
THE FIFTH BEST TURD EVER!
I feel as I have left something out of my last writing to my fellow zombies. I
am also a world renown chef. As some may have guessed, I specialize in
brains. Oh, you don't think I am a very good chef? Well this next tale will
prove my statement. Last week I received a phone call from a Mr. Takeshi
Kaga. For those who do not know he is the founder of a place called Kitchen
Stadium, where the television show Iron Chef is held. Well he had gotten wind
of my expertise in cooking and wanted to have me on the show. I gladly
accepted being a huge fan of the show myself. So I travel out to Kitchen
Stadium in Japan to be on Iron Chef. I get to the show, and I see they have
given me two short asians as assistants. Well these asians seemed to have
rather large heads. So I decided that it would be best if I just ate their
brains and got it over with. Now this almost got me disqualified, but I
reasoned with the chairman, basically I told him I would eat his brains if he
disqualified me. So he let me stay in the contest. We start taping and no one
wanted to get close enough to me to tape me, well you know me being a zombie
and all. so we are standing there, me by myself and iron chef morimoto on the
other side with his assistants. The chairman comes out, and says due to the
enormous gratitude for me that he has, he will be doing an ingredient suited
for me. He goes on by saying he racked his brains, and then it hit him. He
pulled the curtain, and what rose up? Loads and loads of brains. The theme
ingredient was brains. I was so excited being it was my specialty. I run up
to the place where the brains are being held and grab all the best brains. I
had to taste test some to make sure they were good brains. I almost fainted at
the quality of the brains. They were the best brains I had ever tasted. I
went back and decided on four dishes to make. Since I ate the brains of my
assistants, I was on my own. The first dish was a special creation I had
thought up. Honey Nut Brains with Summer salad. This was brains that were
fried with honey, brown sugar, cinnamon and walnuts. The salad has many
different ingredients in it. Then I made a Brain smoothie. It was brains,
champagne, lemonade, and orange peels. I topped that with vanilla ice cream.
The fourth dish was brain kabobs. These were to be cajun style also. I had
batter the brains and deep fry them. Also on the kabobs were yellow peppers,
shitake mushrooms and vidalia onions. These were marinated in blood of a
creole person, their blood is what gives it the cajun flavor. Then grilled to
a perfect state. The last dish was to be a stew. It was basically New England
Brain Chowder. I steamed the brains so they would retain all of their flavor.
Then I added them to the already cooking chowder. Decided the chowder needed
cracker, I made a brain log, and then baked it to make croutons for the
chowder. The battle soon ended. I felt relieved and accomplished at the same
time. I just knew my brain dishes would win. When we got to the tasting the
judges didn't want to have me in the room, as they didn't want to criticize me
and then me eat their brains for it. So I sat outside waiting. They judged my
dishes and then they judged the iron chef's dishes. I could hear them complain
how horrible his dishes were. I felt nothing but joy. I knew I had a chance
now. We were waiting for the verdict when Morimoto came to me and said fuck
you zombie I will eat your brains. At that time I realized everyone around me
was a zombie. They all were zombies and were ganging up on me trying to eat my
brains. This time I knew I had to do something. I knew what I had to do, but
didn't want to reveal myself to all of these zombies. But I had no other
choice. I had to turn into my super zombie self. I was actually a
zombie-vampire that couldn't be killed. I turned into this, and ate everyone's
brains and drank their blood. We zombie-vampire can never be killed. I was
the head zombie-vampire. If you wanna fuck with me, I will eat your brains
then drink your blood.
END OF TURD #5
WRITTEN BY: STUFF
12-21-02
