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The Undead Rise Dammit 03
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/\/\OO/\/\ ASCII BAT AND STUFF PROUDLY PRESENT /\/\OO/\/\
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THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
AN EZINE FOR ZOMBIES
YOU THERE! YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE! STOP READING NOW!
THIS IS THE THIRD TURD FILE AND WHILE THAT RHYMES, THE FILE WILL NOT!
Hello zombies old and new alike! It's ASCII BAT reporting live (haha, I just
made a funny!) from the front. Today I'm going to answer some questions that
have made there way to us in our short existence. Since we have no contact
infos in our files, this message was forwarded to us by angstmonster.org.
Since this took place, they were kind enough to give us our own contact at the
site: turd@angstmonster.org. Feel free to continue to email us with your
stories and thoughts about zombies. It'll give us something to read in between
munching on yummy yummy brains. It's a shame though, not every zombie out
there gets the chance to much on yummy yummy brains. This being the holiday
season and everything, we'd like to send a very important message to the world
about those zombies who don't get the chance to gnaw on brains:
Dear World, (yes all of you)
We are zombies,
We eat brains,
Sometimes they are yummy,
Sometimes they belong to the insane,
And when they do,
We just chew,
Because we're zombies,
And we eat brains.
"But ASCII BAT" they ask,
"How many zombies go unfed?"
"Too many zombies,
All of them UNDEAD!!!"
Please keep that in mind, not every zombie you encounter on a daily basis got a
chance to eat a juicy brain on Thanksgiving Day. So if you have a brain you
aren't using (I'm especially talking to you AMERICANS out there!!!) think about
donating it to your neighborhood zombies. Even if it's not Thanksgiving, don't
deny that zombie his juicy brain.
Now... onto the letter!
"Dear ASCII BAT and STUFF,
I was just wondering what zombies ate for Thanksgiving. You see I recently
became a zombie when the smelly kid at school that everyone makes fun of
decided to bite me. It turns out this kid was really a zombie and that's why
he smelled. Now we've formed a zombie family and taken over a lunch table in
the cafeteria for our Thanksgiving feast. Any suggestions on what we should
have?
-StEWWy and the Smelly Kid"
StEWWy and Smelly Kid-
I don't know about you guys, but around here me and STUFF like to eat brains.
There isn't nothing like a chewy gooey juicy piece of proteiny brain to fill
up all your zombie needs.
You mentioned Thanksgiving feasts and it made me think of a couple of extra
special good feasts we had one time. A few years back when STUFF and I had
just met, we were at an annual ZOMBIE'S EATING A FAMOUS BRAIN FOR THANKSGIVING
fest, eating the brain of none other than Hitler! (It's true! Hitler's brain
was stolen by a group of ninja zombies for the fest. Recovered from these
weird NWO/Illuminati types, the brain was sought after for many years by our
kind. We didn't know what kind of powers it would possess for us so we ate in
great festivities.
It was unfortunate when each of the high ranking zombies of our order decided
upon eating pieces Hitler's brain that we would put all of our efforts toward
ridding the world of Jewish people. Some of my closest zombie friends at the
time (including the zombie girl I was to marry) was Jewish. But if I told you
anymore, I'd be betraying an oath of silence that was taking shortly after that
failed Thanksgiving festival of the zombies. Just know that it wasn't pretty.
You should really research people before you start eating their brains. If it
was me in your position, I'd not eat the brain of a fascist dictator ever. But
I digress, we musn't mention this topic EVER AGAIN!
Are you sure that the Smelly Kid who bit you is really a zombie? Maybe he's
just smelly. But then why would he bite you? It's obvious to me that the
Smelly Kid is just a vampire want to be. But because he smells, he's really
bad at it and can't figure out that zombies are not vampires. Maybe you can't
figure that out either and this is why you are not a zombie. You should just
stick to eating turkey like everyone else. Even the most unpopular non zombie
kids in the world are eating turkey today. So stop trying to offend someone's
culture because you wanna be one of them fringe cool kids.
FUCK YOU FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A ZOMBIE!
lots of love and yummy yummy brain goodness,
-ASCII BAT
END OF TURD #3
WRITTEN BY: ASCII BAT
11-28-02
