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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
********************PARTS NINETY-SIX TO ONE HUNDRED*************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Icky Toxic Custard (Just once I hope)
\___ __ \ __ \ \ \ __ \ _ \ _ toxic custard workshop files
\ \ \ \ \ \ _ \_ ` \ \ number 96 - 18th april 1992
\_ \___ \_____ \_ ___ \_____ written by daniel bowen.....
A lump appeared on my head on Friday evening. Unexpectedly, and I
suddenly, it burst out of the right side of my forehead. Two theories
were quickly developed as to the reason for this: s
(1) My brain was trying to escape h
(2) I was growing a second head. (This would have been a most o
inconvenient location for a second head, an offshoot of the u
first. I would have looked at the world from an angle due to the l
weight.) d
Anyway, a couple of hours later it vanished. So the remaining, third
theory, is the most plausible: p
(3) It was an alien from the planet Tharg. But it was only visiting. r
o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - b
a
Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, despite the vicious, inhumane and nasty b
thawing in Cold War relations, scientists and researchers have l
continued to invent great new ways of zapping people, animals, y
buildings and other things in ways that the Russians, Latvians,
Ukrainians and all the other -ians can only dream about being able to a
afford. p
An exciting new development designed to simultaneously occupy o
America's young has been.. developed. Young acne-ridden Americans have l
been asked to give up their spare time (which they were probably o
spending in McDonald's anyway) to make loadsa money being on standby g
for the US Air Force. In the event of a bombing mission, the young i
persons are taken up in a bomber, where they lean out of the windows, s
and all squeeze their spots in unison, dropping millions of droplets of e
pus onto the unsuspecting, and consequently very sick-feeling and
embarassed enemy. (Simulated bathroom mirrors are provided in the t
bomber to aid the bombing personnel.) o
Other fine and related examples of American ingenuity include the
vomit bomber, the shit bomber and the computer guided fart. A Pentagon t
spokesman denied all knowledge of this, and upon being confronted with h
irrefutable evidence of it claimed that it was really great, because it e
caused supreme humiliation to the enemies of democracy, peace, justice,
Coca-Cola, the American way, decency, George Bush, clean language, e
decent living clean married heterosexuals, Dr Pepper, the stars and n
stripes, Chrysler, New York style grafitti, bubble gum, and the CIA t
division of niceness and fun people who hand out free balloons. Not to i
mention the FBI, NASA, UCLA, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, LAPD, NBA, NFL, and a r
shitload of other acronymic organisations. And it was really great e
because, he said, "they use only naturally occuring bodily fluids."
w
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
r
MEDICAL COLUMN (Displayed horizontally due to space restrictions) l
d
I think I have a new disease: Brian Adams Song Tune Arrangement Recital
Disorder. f
o
Climb in your shelter darlin'! r
Don't you know the blast is bright!
You will never see another daylight! t
h
(Short guitar solo accompanied by "Yeah! and Whoo!") e
They got their missiles flyin' s
Those countries they have gone beserk e
Now the whole world is a gonna be nurked c
o
C'mon baby - oh yeah c'mon etc yeah baby c'mon etc yeah n
d
Got your life to lose
Just the world and you i
And don't it feel great that you're gonna die? t
You'll never see another daylight. e
m
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .
Bowen Seminars present a FREE lecture. "Discover and harness your NURK B
power!" Yes folks, Daniel Bowen has travelled the world (*) imparting u
the secret of NURK power to the masses. Many of us are born with t
brains, and all of us that are have hidden, unused NURK power in them.
Will yours remain dormant, or will you take advantage of it, and let it t
lead you to success and great heights? h
- Alexandra the Grate harnessed her NURK power and ruled (some of) e
the world! (For a little while). n
- Julian Caesar ruled Rome for lots and lots of years, but little ,
did he know that Brutus had harnessed his NURK power and bought himself
a new knife. The phrase "beware the ides of March" has been translated I
by experts to "beware the power of NURK."
- Robert Pershing Wadlow learnt about his NURK power at a very k
early age, and reached great heights, although success eluded him. i
- Edmund Hillary discovered the secret of his NURK power, and n
reached some of the greatest heights and success possible when he d
became the first man to mount Eve Rest. a
- Randolf Hitler practised and used his NURK power until early
1943, when the war began to turn against him. l
- Don F. Kennedy's NURK power got shot to pieces in an early i
episode of "Dallas". k
- Ranald Regan went to the Bowen Seminar in 1979 and made use of e
his NURK power to become Resident of the Untitled Stakes. But then he d
deserted NURK power and relied on astromoners, and lost his residency.
i
Yes, you too can make full use of your limited mental power! Harness t
your NURK today! .
.
.
(*) Within the Greater Melbourne area only
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's been a long day, and a not-quite-so-long
Toxic Custard. And that's the end of it. And
now for a blatant plug. Back-issues are STILL
available (geez, why don't they take them off
my hands?) For info on how to get your grubby
little mits on them, reply to this thing, or
send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | If you think (or not) Rocket Roger should
Melbourne, Australia | return to the Net, send mail now to the
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | author, at bsmith@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | It may be your only chance to read the
awesome Hero Licence and KFC gags!
(Aww geez Daniel, did you HAVE to put that
in your .signature?)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Toxic Custard... just once
Toxic Custard Workshop Files#97, 25th May 1992. Written by Daniel Bowen (sorry)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever noticed that McDonald's are like banks used to be? You never know
which queue to get into. With a little work, all those jokes that
applied to banks before they introduced Customer Traffic Control (C.T.C E
- absolutely no danger to the environment. As far as we know) now apply v
to McDonald's. e
Not that the bank's system of shepherding everyone is without r
fault, mind you. The number of times you see the "ordinary" customers y
queuing up in the "Customer Enquiries and Overseas Transactions and b
Other Special Stuff Like That That Everyday Twerps Can't Afford" is o
amazing. Still, they're usually ignorant old ladies. Or what about the d
bank robbers completely skipping the "Armed Robbery" queue and going y
for the tellers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
o
Well, the LA riots are over, and Dan Quayle has found the cause. t
"Murphy Brown". The US government is moving quickly to condemn Candace e
Bergen and have the "Murphy Brown" producers completely humanely
executed in not more than 15 minutes worth of gas-chamber fun. The t
whole of the USA will then return to complete calm, and police can h
resume their honest and fun harassment peacefully. "Murphy Brown" will e
be replaced in the tv schedule with something horrifyingly sickenly s
sweet and nice. A brand new programme - developed as a consequence of e
Dan Quayle's suggestions, will premiere next week.
"Niggers" is a delightful family comedy about a black family in the w
south. They pick cotton, get beaten regularly, and are slaves to the o
whitefolk on the plantation, but by golly when they get home of an r
evening, there's some laughs! And they're all exploited happily ever d
after. s
Dan Quayle himself has seen a preview episode, and described it as
a "realistic, thought provoking picture of America's past", before c
being notified that it was in fact set in the present. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
e
Megabogue are to tour again. Megabogue's "Heavily In Debt" tour f
commences under the Westgate freeway on Thursday 28th of May. Slasher u
Rists, an occasional spokesbogan for the band said at a press l
conference to well-protected journalists: "Yes. We is goin' on tour l
again. 'Cos we still need the dosh." y
Megabogue's hard-hitting metal sound has been compared to the :
demolition of a bloody big building by some critics. Others have
described it as "pure crap. A new sound from the downtrodden F
non-working class of the inner suburbs. It's complete shit." The band l
is well known around Melbourne for carving out it's own niche and o
falling into it, with music that no-one can understand or appreciate. b
Rists admits this fact, saying that the only regular followers the b
band has are psychiatric inmates on weekend leave. That's why the band's l
concerts are never during the week. They do however occasionally play e
at prisons, as their sound is known to contain rare and imperceptible
waves that put people to sleep. d
To coincide with their tour, Megabogue have released a new single i
through a division of MoccaSIN records, the "Ripoff" label. (So called n
because people who buy the single really do get a single: there is no B g
side). The song has been widely acclaimed as a stab at the various
elements of today's society that the author has a personal grudge d
against. o
n
"SHITS", by S. Rists g
Sprayin' walls, kickin' kids s
Walkin' the streets, dodgin' pigs q
Smashin' windows, stealing vids u
These are a few of my favourite gigs i
g
Stuffing bananas down my pants g
On street corners, squashing ants l
Home late, shouting at parents y
Sprayin' my stuff all over the Gents
d
It's the parents, it's the cops o
It's the wardens, it's the jobs o
It's the God Squad, it's the wops -
It's the teachers, it's the lollypops d
o
I don't care, they're all gits n
Ganging up on me, I'm at my wit's.. g
Every single person, give me the shits
Every single being, complete fuckwits d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i
b
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... b
Candles. Candles can burn in hell for all I care. I don't give a shit l
for candles. Why use candles in these enlightened days of electricity? e
Bloody electricity bills, that's why. Imagine the bill the 7-11 must
burn up - that's why their prices are so high. m
And then there's gas. Every time the little gas man comes around to o
check the gas meter, I'm out. And invariably I get back from the shop y
where I was getting a carton of milk, or I get back from the mailbox, k
or I get back from a quick pilgrimage to Mecca, or I get back from the e
toilet, and I find a little card informing me that while I was out, the
gasman visited. It strikes me that the gas people could save a shitload f
of money just by getting their gasmen to wait a few extra seconds. Then o
they wouldn't have to make all those silly cards. n
And on the subject of idiots at the door, what about those Jehovah's g
Mormons? I'm getting sick of them. My neighbour's got the right idea. .
He lights the fire up in his livingroom so they can see the flames. And
he's put up a sign on the door saying "ENTRANCE TO HELL. ANYONE OF ANY
DENOMINATION WELCOME. KNOCK SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SIX TIMES." That
usually gets rid of them. Only a few have made it past the "EMOCLEW"
mat. And I haven't seen them again. I wonder what happens to them? I
also sometimes wonder how he gets such big flames from that fireplace
of his. S
The other annoying thing is the little kids coming around at o
Hallowe'en. Here's what I do: I watch by the window for them coming up
the garden path, then I get my husband Fred, who is dressed in a t
special ghastly monster suit that I made him to open the door, h
surrounded by darkness and scare the little buggers shitless by roaring e
"TRICK OR TREEEEAT!" They run off so fast, they leave their bags of r
sweets behind. e
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That woz another of them Toxic Custard Workshop
Files. The rest of 'em can be got; reply to this
for details, or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne, Australia | "601 - Number of the bus!"
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au |
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | - Lori Bowen
_______________________________________________________________________________
Weakly Toxic Custard
________ _____ __ __ ______ _____ ____
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
__ __ __ __ __ _____ ______ ____ NUMBER 98 - 1ST JUNE, 1992
__ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ __ CAREFULLY CRAFTED IN ITS
__ _____ ______ __ _____ ____ ENTIRETY BY DANIEL BOWEN.
To those readers confused by the constantly occasional references to
the Naked Wasp appearing herein: Contrary to popular and completely
wrong opinion, the Naked Wasp is NOT a student newspaper. The Naked
Wasp is a cult movement centred around bizarre sexual practices with T
insects. And anything else the editors tell you is a complete lie. h
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
A CAT'S DIARY. Woke up. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. r
Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Ate. e
Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came a
in. Ate. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went l
out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Went out. Came in. Ate. Went to sleep. l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
___
/ \ b
/ \ a
Out of the sky, here he comes.. AMNESIA MAN! A M N E S I A d
... Faster than a flying thingy! /\_______/\
... More powerful than a loco-whatsit! / M A N \ t
... Jumps tall things in a single thing! / \ h
i
Look, up on the ladder! Is it a painter? Is it a plumber? No! It's n
AMNESIA MAN!!!! g
The city at night. Fraught with danger. Cartoon people duck in and a
out of darkened alleys, not pausing for a moment lest the readers get b
bored. A scream, a shout. People run for cover, as a bank robbing o
escaped convict runs across the street, brandishing a gun and a big bag u
labelled "Big Bag", and wearing a pair of pyjamas with arrows and t
numbers painted all over them.
His name: Tex Sutor. His profession: armed and legged robbery. His t
problem: he didn't know banks are closed at night. His other problem: h
well, we won't go into that at the moment. e
People keep running for cover. It's raining and they don't want to s
get wet. Tex is running too, escaping the forces of law and order, who e
as always are elsewhere, which isn't a lot of help, but then, when is
it ever? s
But as always, Amnesia Man is ready. He's watching. He's trying to i
remember where he put his tights. He's trying to find a phonebox d
without anyone in it. By some kind of fluke, he's there. He's on the e
spot. He's at the scene. He works in the building across the street w
from the bank. As a night janitor. And without a word, he's doffed his a
coveralls and broom, and donned his Super Hero Ironstrength Truss (tm), y
and all the other bits and erm.. things. He stalls. He curses. He s
bought the wrong size at the superhero supply shop.
But Tex Sutor has troubles too. Someone has stolen his stolen m
getaway car. Bummer. He really liked the owner's taste in fluffy dice, e
too. And although the radio was stuck on 3MP, the seats reclined. So s
Tex runs for it. Luckily he has his monthy travelcard on him, and leaps s
onto (and into) the first bus he sees. a
But Amnesia Man isn't far behind, and as he fumbles with change for g
the ticket, A.M. spots Tex in the back seat of the bus, making gestures e
at the following police cars. Our hero springs down the bus as it moves s
rapidly from the stop, squashing three grannies going home after Friday
night shopping for kinky underwear, and stepping on some little brat's i
head. He leaps towards the back seat, bringing his hand firmly down on s
Tex's right shoulder.
"Tex Sutor..." he says loudly. "I.. Erm.. what am I doing on this t
bus? It doesn't even go past my stop." h
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
t
The back yard lit up with a flashing light
Was it the cops, or UFOs in fli t
h
This poem has been scrapped. Why? Because we at TOXIC MEGAPRODUCTIONS e
PTY LTD are determined to throw up oops, throw out the old, the boring y
and the not very funny stuff, and come up with new and exciting ways to
tickle your bones. Funny ones at that. r
How do we do this? We do this by drivelling on about TOXIC e
MEGAPRODUCTIONS PTY LTD and by Christ, it works. We only need to a
mention the well-known phrase "How much would you expect to pay?" once l
and half of you are pissing yourselves laughing. Or so we think. l
As the registered authors of Toxic Custard, TOXIC MEGAPRODUCTIONS y
PTY LTD are utterly sick of spelling out their name in full every
time someone mentions the name of TOXIC MEGAPRODUCTIONS PTY LTD in this a
bit. Don't you wish we'd left in the poem? The poor tiny minded little r
drip who's typing this crap does. In fact, he's so utterly and totally e
sick of typing all this useless shit, he's just about to
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
MAFIA FAMILY GO FOR A PICNIC t
o
Hey! You kids. Shuddup or you'll go swimming in da lake with a couple t
of bricks, you know what I mean? So sugar, did you pack da ham a
sandwiches? What?! You may wind up eatin' dust instead of sandwiches, l
bitch, you know? Kids, will you for Chrissake be quiet, or do I have to
get out da violin case... d
Hey Johnny.. you got dis week's payment? 'Cos you gotta very nice o
train set, don't you? You wouldn't want it to have a bad crash now, w
would you? No, course you wouldn't. And Jenny.. how about your payment n
for dis week? 'Cos Barbie is very beautiful, yeah. And you know, when e
she's out alone, waiting for Ken to pick her up.. well, you know.. you r
wouldn't want anything to HAPPEN to her, would you? No.. dat's good.. .
you're learnin' kid, you're learnin'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's all for this week. Toxic Custard will
most likely return next week. Most likely it
will be just as lame as this week. If you'd
like to read a previous week's, reply to
this week's, or send mail during the week to
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Selfism is a religion concentrating
Melbourne, Australia | on the self - praying for yourself.
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | Worshipping yourself. Did you know
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | 97% of yuppies are Selfists? No. But
you could guess. Further, many of them
are illegitimate. Selfist bastards.
_______________________________________________________________________________
What ABOUT Toxic Custard?!
_______ _____ ____ ____ ____
/ / / / / / / / / TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
/ / / / / /__ /___/ /___/ Number 99 - 8th June 1992
/ /____ /__/__/ / ____/ ____/ Written by Daniel Bowen
COMPUTER VIRUS NEWS A
The latest strains of computer viruses are getting more and more n
deadly, as the battle against computers rages on. The self-proclaimed d
Anti-Automation Front have secret research labs all over the world,
dedicated to planning and implementing viruses designed to wreak havoc n
on the computing world. Although it's known that this will only affect o
those in the computing world who make use of pirated software, which w
has been estimated to be 99.999999999999999999999999999994%. (Note that ,
this figure is subject to statistical error.)
The latest news is that the AAF biological experts have come up t
with a revolution in computer viruses - viruses that physically exist. h
New germs, bred over the last six months, have been developed that e
physically live on floppy diskettes, spreading through systems by
jumping onto drive heads and breeding there, before jumping off again a
onto other disks. l
A particularly virulent strain, known as the July the Fifth Haifa p
King Kong Bastard Virus has been identified as particularly dangerous. h
After it disables the computer system, it expands and suddenly leaps a
out of the screen, strangling the user in a violent bloody angonisingly b
spectacular orgy of screaming death. Nice, eh? e
t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
f
You know the author's reached desperation point when he resorts to o
r
***THE 2ND TOXIC CUSTARD READERS' SURVEY!***
d
Your returned answers will be filed and used as fodder for personal y
vendettas against you in future lives. s
l
1. What the hell are you reading this crap for? e
A. My mother forced me to. x
B. I am a deranged psychopath who gets off on this sort of thing. i
C. I can't quite remember right now. I think I might have started c
when the.. umm.. what was the question again? s
D. Other. (Please specify) .
2. Do you really think anyone is going to fall for your pathetic excuse N
given in question one? o
A. Probably not, but stuff you, shit-head. !
B. Absolutely. Whoever compiles these things is obviously as moronic
as a small lump of green cheese on holiday in Cairns. W
C. Who cares? I don't. You don't. Nobody does. a
D. I don't like any of these answers, and I'd like to stuff them i
all down your throat and make up my own. (Please specify) t
.
3. Wouldn't you prefer to be doing something else?
A. Yes, I'd rather be reading something funny. H
B. Yes, I'd rather be vacuuming the cat. o
C. Yes, but it's all part of the therapy. w
D. Yes. Goes without saying, doesn't it?
E. No. Pathetic, isn't it? Oh, you're asking the questions. Sorry, I a
forgot. b
o
4. How many questions do you think there are to go? u
A. Three. t
B. Two.
C. Five. t
D. Four hundred and fifty-seven. h
E. None. I'm sick of this and I'm not doing any more. e
5. Are you one of those radical and excellent dudes who are totally and a
mindboggingly brilliant and never bother to read the actual content of l
TCWF but instead just read the sideways message and have consequently p
failed to spot these questions? h
A. No. a
B. No but only because I didn't think of that. b
e
6. Do you think anybody really cares about any of the answers you are t
giving?
A. Probably not, but the thing said to send answers back, so I f
thought I'd better. Not that I'd let myself be intimidated by a o
small minded git like that. No, not me. I'm strong. I'm my own r
man/woman! I have my own free will! Hahahahaha! Stuff you!!
B. Yes, in order of frighteningness, the author, me, everybody else, s
the CIA, ASIO, the KGB, Telecom, my boss, and the small worm I l
stepped on in the garden yesterday. e
e
7. How many questions do you think there are to go now? p
A. Three less than when you last asked. y
8. Would you like to skip question nine? p
A. Yes. e
o
10. What was your favouritest ever TCWF bit? p
A. Romeo and the neighbours (19) l
B. The cat's diary (64) e
C. God's Own Database (61) ?
D. All these are crap. In fact, the whole thing is crap, but the bit
that only made me throw up marginally less than all the other M
crap is ..... (Note for the survey-inhibited: please specify.) o
s
Send all your answers by e-mail to the usual address, which this week t
happens to be tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, or if you can't be bothered l
wrestling with your mailer, scrawl them out by hand and send them to: y
Toxic Custard Limited Offer SuperDuper Win Absolutely Nothing Offer
And Survey Entry Competition Offer For The Chronically Stupid Z
PO Box 141 *BUT!!* If you're reading this thing after s
Southland, VIC 3192 1992, don't bother!! You'll have (almost) ,
Australia no chance of reaching me here. And it'll be
too late to answer the survey anyway. m
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
Well, thank God that's over for another week. t
Hey, what can I say - I'm under pressure, h
I've got exams, my brain exploded, I can't i
think of anything in the remotest but amusing n
and my cat vomited all over the keyboard. k
Honest. I'm telling you.. mushy hands. Euch. s
Anyway, if you'd like to grabyaselfacopy of .
any old TCWF's, reply to this, or send email
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne, Australia | I've got an eight-bit computer,
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au | and I'm not afraid to use it!
TCWF STUFF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
_______________________________________________________________________________
Centesimal Toxic Custard
TCWF100 - the Toxic Custard Workshop Files - number one hundred -
15th June 1992 - written by Daniel Bowen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MR POPSICLE AND INSPECTOR UNNECESSARY-VIOLENCE SEARCH FOR THE MEANING OF LIFE
The call had come. Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the
Australian Royal Security Establishment were about to tackle their most
difficult case yet. It wasn't just the trickiness of the handle, it was the
uncracked combination on the locks, too. And as for the little wheels on the
bottom, they were downright diabolical.
Nevertheless, and neverthemore, (and neverthetwainshallmeet), the call came
through to the ARSE office. And it called "Hello! How are you today? We want
you to go on a mission to help save the world. We want you to discover THE
MEANING OF LIFE. And we don't mean the movie. This is a quest co-ordinated by
the Earth Summit in Rio. We originally offered it to the CIA, but they said
they'd rather be being subversively right-wing in Third World countries such as
Ethiopia, Pakistan, Britain, Australia and Kansas. So, it falls to you, the men
and wo.. oh. Well, just the men of ARSE, I suppose - to discover, for the whole
of humanity, the meaning of life. Can you do it?"
"Well, we'll give it a whiz", replied Popsicle. So they did.
Popsicle and the Inspector went down, as they always did, to the ARSE
laboratory, to check with Doc Wedge about the meaning of life, and discovered
it to be quite a little mystery they had got themselves into.
The Doctor was conducting research involving small furry little cutesy
animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and deafening noises. But for the purposes
of experimentation, he used substitutes, these being small furry little cutesy
animals, cosmetics, bits of string, and the three able-bodied members of
Megabogue, whose talking alone was generally enough to be not only damaging to
the ears, but to the brain as well. But from behind the especially constructed
completely and utterly soundproof walls, it was only mildly deafening.
Doc Wedge shouted above the din for a while before giving up and using
semaphore. He told Popsicle and the Inspector of the great mysteries of life,
the wonder of creation, and all that stuff, and advised them to sod off so he
could get on with the experiments before the government inspection team
arrived.
They went back to their office, and Popsicle, having been on a deep and
meaningful fully frontal opalescentally and psychologically valid management
course, took out a dictionary and a marker pen and worked out the essence of
their task on the white-board. Which, by the time he had finished three days
later, read as follows:
the inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message
belonging to
the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones,
characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to
reproduce and respond to stimuli
This confused Popsicle somewhat, especially the last bit which had a lot of
long words. But Inspector Unnecessary-Violence was on the ball. He wasn't
confused one little bit, which was because he'd gone to the toilet. But when he
got back, he had a brilliant idea, even if he said so himself, which he did.
This proclaimed brilliant idea, which was so proclaimed by all of him, was to
visit the visiting visitor from the very far east (the western half of Wrangel
Island in fact - you can't get much further east than that). The visiting
visitor was none other than Doctor Ligneous Demagogue-Ophthalmia, well known
expert on all things meep and deaningful.
So, Popsicle, using his karate skills, three bananas, a gun and a loose
haddock, managed to get an audience with the mysterious and small Doctor
Demagogue-Ophthalmia (who, for the purposes of saving precious letters in this
issue of TCWF, will from here on be known as "Doctor D") between two of his
lectures at some of the widespread communal centres and shopping precincts in
the city. These had been built in the late sixties by the Hippy Haven Holism
Corporation, which had proclaimed that it would bring a new experience in,
like, really good vibes when dudes like get the stuff, you know?
So, Popsicle and the ever-increasingly sceptical Inspector managed to talk
to Doctor D in his speeding limousine VW:
POPSICLE: Good evening Doctor. I wonder if my colleague and I might have a word
with you.
DOCTOR D: Certainly officer. Though I must warn you, my solicitor is only an
international phone-call away, and that I have managed to con someone in
your government into giving me diplomatic immunity.
INSPECTOR: Listen weasle, you don't fuckin' get a fuckin' brief until we've
said so, right? So cough up. Punk.
POPSICLE: No no Doctor. We're hoping you might be able to help us.
INSPECTOR: So give us the names, Liggy. Otherwise you're goin' down for
everything. Do yourself a favour. Mick and Jim don't owe you nothin'.
DOCTOR D: Really Mr Popsicle. I - driver, accelerate past those hitch-hikers
will you? Try and get some of that puddle in their faces - Mr Popsicle,
I'm not sure I can help you.
POPSICLE: All we want to know, Doctor, is the meaning of life.
INSPECTOR: So give us the meaning now, creep, and we'll put in a good word.
DOCTOR D: Oh, well, if that's all it is. I'll tell you. Come closer. And listen
carefully. For I shall reveal to you that which I have told my many
followers, who are all so high they haven't got around to telling anyone
else about it. The meaning of life is sought by many, and but a few have
the real knowledge- that which I am about to reveal to you. Gentlemen, the
inner, symbolic, or true interpretation, value, or message belonging to
the state or quality that distinguishes living beings from dead ones,
characterised chiefly by metabolism, growth, and the ability to reproduce
and respond to stimuli is
_______________________________________________________________________________
Sorry folks but the 100th serving of Toxic Custard is cut short due to
unexplained file behavior. At the moment of this writing, I, your Sysop,
have heard rumors that TCWF is currently still producing this horrible
substance with issue numbers in the 200s. If you know the whereabouts of any
Toxic Custard Workshop Files beyond #100, please upload them to your most
hated Sysop's BBS and be thankful that you no longer have an account there.
In the meantime, au revoir and good r/i/d/d/a/n/c/e/ night.
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
