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The Toxic Custard Workshop Episoder 101 to 105
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*****************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************
**************PARTS ONE HUNDRED AND ONE TO ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE*************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Note Quite Late ToxiCustarde
##### #### | | ##### TOXICE CUSTARDE WORKSHOPE FILESE
| | | | | #### Numbere 101 - Mondaye twentye-seconde ofe June 1992
| #### ##### | Writtene bye Daniele Bowene ande Dane Quayle
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, the Dane Quayle incident has brought into perspective a major
problem of our modern society: the problem of illegiblacy. The luck of
wrotten skulls in some so called "developed" countries is quiet
appealing. But did yoo know that 93% of Federal politicians are
illegible? No, nyther did eye, befour eye red thee damning report on
educational standards what woz written by someone or other. Illegiblacy
figures do in fact vary widely amongst the different professions. TCWF
has made up these exclusive figures, which we are bringing to you, as
part of our policy of truth no matter what even if we get beaten up in a
dark alley for saying it by some heavy gangster type who doesn't like the
truth when it insults the dignity and honour of his mother's catfish:
- Politicians 93% - Computing students 74%
- Arts students 99.4% - Authors 95%
- Arts lecturers 99.8% - People reading this list 93.07%
- Household pets 100% - People who write train timetables 96%
- Police 93% - Radio DJs 96%
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hi there dudes, you're tuned to Dipstick FM, playing the all-old boring
combination of the best rock of the 60s, 70s, 80s and 90s along with all
the shit as well. And this is Mick Dickhead with you until 5pm tonight,
when the decent DJ gets a go at the mike. Until then, stay with us on
Dipstick FM for a musical load of old crap, and even more of my inane
comments between the songs. And now on Dipstick FM, here's our tenth
Bryan Adams track in the last five hours.. this is "Everything I Sing, I
Sing It To Annoy *You*". Nice one, Bryan...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TCWF SURVEY RESULTS
There were only 16 responses to the Toxic Custard survey in TCWF#99. The
conclusion that has been reached is that 93.07% of TCWF readers can't
read. Researchers at the Custard Research Annex Presentiment laboratory
expect that further survey results will arrive in the coming week, *or
else*. So further investigation of results has been postponed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE VERY BRIEF AND INCOMPLETE TOXIC GUIDE TO HOLIDAYS IN REVERSE ORDER
CHRISTMAS (25 December) - celebrates Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the
exact birthdate of whom is unknown. Many celebators dress up as big fat
men with beards during this time. Scholars believe this is an attempt
at frightening the kids into going to bed early.
CUSTARD DAY (13 August) - when people all over the world show their
complete indifference to the anniversary of the first Toxic Custard in
1990 by failing to celebrate in any way whatsoever.
EASTER (somewhere around March or April or sometime whenever the monks
decided it was going to be this year. Jeez, must be a pain for people
who make diaries) - celebrates the glory of Pilutder and Yrubdac, the
Roman Gods of chocolate and long weekends with lots of football.
SHROVE TUESDAY (ditto, I think. Actually, who knows?) - the day when
people stuff themselves with pancakes, and get well and truly shriven.
AUSTRALIA (26th January) - a day when the patriotic members of Australian
society celebrate all that is great about Australia, and the little that
is great about Australian history, by having a barbecue, getting drunk
and getting breath-tested and arrested on the way home.
NEW YEAR'S DAY (1st January) - time to recover from New Year's Eve.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Welcome back to Dipstick FM. This is Mick Dickhead with you, and let's
take some calls. And first on the line is Geoff from Wantirna... how are
you, Geoff?
- I'm good thanks Mick. How're you?
I'm as great as a shitty DJ can be, Geoff. Now, what are you calling for?
- Well gee Mick, I guess I dunno.
Fantastic. And now let's go on to our next caller, it's Wayne from
Footscray - what a dump! Whatssup, Wayne?
- Hi Mick. I'm just calling to say you're a complete fuckwit.
That's great Wayne! Love you too. And Wayne, don't hangup, because you're
a Dipstick FM **WINNER**!! As the fiftieth person to air those sentiments
on the radio in the last five weeks, we'll be pleased to send you a
complimentary Dipstick FM full-colour stereo-vision wart remover! Whoa,
hold on to your hats, listeners.. and be a Dipstick FM **WINNER**!! Next
on the line is mum. What's your beef?
- Mick, you're dinner's ready.
Okay mum, I'll be right there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's about all of this week's Toxic Custard.
We hope you'll join us next time, when you'll
hear Daniel Bowen say "That's about all of
this.." (etc). Those of you who are suicidal
enough to want to read old ToxiCustardWork-
shopFiles may wish to stick around long
enough to read that details about back-issues
are available by replying to this message, or
sending mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,-------/
Melbourne, Australia------------------/ World's biggest cat
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au---------/ does world's biggest dropping!
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----/
_______________________________________________________________________________
Squashed And Toxic Apple Nightmares!
| --- . -- ---- TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
|---- ---- | | | | | | | ___| Numero a hundred and two
| | | | | |-- | | | | 29th of June, 1992
---- ---- - - | | -- ---- Written by Daniel Bowen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ace heavy metal band and generally destructive type people Megabogue
went on trial early last week. They'd been accused of putting
subliminal messages on their albums, thinly disguised in the backwards
speech between and during tracks (See TCWF 20) which has caused the
proliferation of suicidal tendencies in their fans.
The charges of Incitement To Murder With Blood Gushing All Over The
Place were made by Mrs Mabel Redneck, who claimed that her son, Ray, D
had hacked himself to death with the family potato peeler. It was not, e
she said, "a pretty sight. And the fries were awfully red that night." a
But the family did find solace in the reduced supermarket costs since r
the suicide. "We all regularly praise God for this miracle", she added.
o
Justice Clancy Oldfart in the Supreme Court ruled that the jury hearing h
the case would have to hear the entire album, both forwards and
backwards, as well as back-to-front and upside-down. A spokesman for d
MoccaSIN records gladly supplied sample tapes and albums, and commented e
that thank Christ the trial had brought some much needed publicity to a
the band. Ace Megabogue guitarist Harry "headbanger" Wall was quoted as r
saying "fuck off" to anyone who so much as breathed in his direction. ,
After some three hours of listening to Megabogue music, the jury i
retired to a tiny little iddy-biddy room to consider the evidence. When t
nothing was heard by the evening, a check by a courtroom official found
that they had all decapitated themselves in the jury room with a b
concealed meat-cleaver, and the judge declared a mis-trial, as was his e
wont. a
t
Mrs Redneck and her family left the court speedily and without comment, s
bound for a church memorial service to the slowing sales of the local
vicar the Reverend Skilbey's "Sing-a-hymn-for-Him" album. m
e
Megabogue Inc. declared their complete innocence, appealed for calm
amongst their fans, and asked that the public be allowed to purchase w
as many of their records as is humanly possible. Ace drummer Slasher h
Rists said from his wheelchair that "the fuckin' law ain't gonna y
fuckin' nail us to the fuckin' wall for this. Why should we fuckin'
get into fuckin' trouble for this fuckin' kid fuckin' toppin' himself, y
when there's probably fuckin' thousands more we ain't fuckin' heard o
about yet!" u
The band rushed out their new single, "Sing Anything To Add Nonsense" p
to take full advantage of the publicity, and, commented ace bass e
guitarist Bonk Mee, "to make a helluva load of money." Ace rhythm o
guitarist Vimmy "The Thorn" Halen added that "you should buy our bloody p
records, or else." l
e
Here, exclusive to Toxic Custard readers, are the lyrics to the new l
Megabogue hit (they hope), "Sing Anything To Add Nonsense". i
k
e
SING ANYTHING TO ADD NONSENSE by Slasher Rists
s
What do the fans know? i
What do they care? d
Slash lost his limbs e
Playing Truth or Dare w
a
Those gits know sod all y
They're all brainless twats s
They listen to our music
Then go mad with an axe m
e
CHORUS: s
Sing anything to add nonsense s
We sing anything we like a
Sing anything to add nonsense g
'Cos we're fed up with these mikes e
s
They play this stuff backwards
Why play it at all? s
As long as they pay us o
We don't mind at all
m
Who cares for Christianity u
We certainly don't c
And when you've heard this song h
You probably won't .
.
CHORUS 2: .
Sing anything to add nonsense
Don't matter what the words are
Sing anything to add nonsense
Can you still see the scars?
'Cos Natas is everything
Take it from us
Natas will see yer right
When you bite the dust
So what do you wait for?
It's great to be dead
Pick up that axe Eugene
And chop off your head
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's all for this week. And if you think writing
another Megabogue song was a good way of copping-out
by writing more lines faster, you're completely
right. So what? Your reading loss, my time gin. I
mean gain.
Provided I don't get "discovered" in the next
seven days, Toxic Custard will be back this time next
week. Back-issues are still available for absolutely
positively probably no cost whatsoever. For details,
send email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ S w m a s
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ i a e g u
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ d y s e c
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ e s s s k
_______________________________________________________________________________
Something Something Toxic Custard
___
\__ ___ \ Toxic Custard Workshop Files
\ \ \ \ \__ Number 103 - 6th of July 1992
\ \___ \__\__\ \ Written by Daniel Bowen
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello and welcome to the one-hundred and third Toxic Custard. And this
Toxic Custard is an attempt to enter the Guinness Book of World Records I
- we are going to try and bring you the *fastest* Toxic Custard ever
written. It began at 9:26pm Sunday the 5th of July, Australian time, f
and a quick check with the experts tells us that it's already into its i
twelfth line after only three and a half minutes. At this rate, it n
should take just under an hour to get to the TCWF regulation length d
maximum of 124 lines. Why 124 lines? Well, it's a secret. We'll be back
with more of this amazing record breaking attempt after this bit: i
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... r
Shopping. Oh the cruel twist of fate that sees us struggling to control e
shopping trolleys around the supermarket on Saturday afternoon. Piled a
high with red spot superdooper mega specials for one week only which no l
other supermarket within a ten metre radius can match. l
So every week we steer the trolley down the aisles, dodging the y
stupid little twerps who've been given the "Junior Shopper" trolleys.
What an epitaph. It's a warning. They'd freak if they knew just how o
much of their lives and how much of their money would be spent in d
supermarkets when they got tall enough to push the demonic anarchistic d
vicious bastard trolleys from hell the rest of us have to put up with.
You also have to steer around the legions of little old men in t
dirty patched jackets who are at the "1Kg bag of carrots only 79 h
cents!" display, busily moving back and forth from the scales, weighing a
every bag to see which one has the most carrots. They probably aren't t
even that crazy about carrots.
Gradually the shopping list the size of a telephone book starts to s
look more satisfactory, as items get marked off, until you realise that o
there's no way you can find the can of Continental Cook'n'Eat Cream of
Potato-Leek Chunky Economy-size soup that you've always wanted. They m
probably changed the colour of the label and you don't recognise it. a
Finally, just when you think the ordeal is over and you think you n
can escape, comes the CHECK-OUT. Of course, you noticed earlier during y
your shopping that the check-outs weren't very crowded. Now it's
naturally a completely different story. The crowds around the only p
three open check-outs resemble those old films of people outside the e
hotels where the Beatles stayed in 1964. And the pace of the poor o
deluded poverty stricken teenagers who are so poor they have to work p
here is slower than the pace of a snail on a slow-motion replay of the l
final of the North Laverton Turnip Planter's League competition of e
1985.
It's not that I'm sexist of course, but I try and get a girl on the w
check-out, since the boys on check-outs have invariably been kidnapped a
from the stores department where they don't need brains, they just need n
to recognise an empty shelf and what the hell is meant to go on it. t
I won't even talk about the dreaded "priiiiice check!"
And of course the compulsory scratch, sniff, collect, spend and win t
competition cards. Which compel all members of the human race to shop h
there and collect little cards which they drop behind the fridge never e
to be seen again. I often consider behind the fridge to be the last s
frontier eluding the grasp of man. We've explored the moon, we're e
getting up to the planets as soon as we've built a rocket big enough,
we've mastered the bits of the sea we're not dropping barrels of waste s
into, and the north and south poles are a doddle, but does humanity as i
a whole really know what's behind the fridge? d
e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
a
Fantastic! Well, it's 9:46pm and we're down to the sixty-fourth line of y
this week's record-breaking Toxic Custard! Those of you who would claim s
that the speed of writing is in some way effecting the humour can of
course go sod off and bury yourself in a vat of man-eating worms with t
hepatitis. Meanwhile, we'll keep right on going with this: h
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i
n
Hey folks! Sick of paying <insert exorbitant price here> for your g
favourite music?! Then you should quite definitely join the s
T O X I C M U S I C D I R E C T S A V E R C L U B !
b
It's the newest and liveliest music club, whatever that's meant to a
mean. What's even better is, it's absolutely not affiliated with the c
Toxic Direct Music Saver Club you've been reading about in the k
newspapers and watching on "The Investigators" lately. By joining .
TMDSC, you can build your collection of music so it literally bulges
out of your house and down the road, and what's more, every month we B
show you a new and exciting way to smash through your credit limit! u
t
And as an introductory offer to fool you into joining our club, we're
offering dozens of CDs at the amazing price of <insert super bargain s
really cheap price here>!! We GUARANTEE that you already have all the o
half decent ones in your collection, but we are determined to get rid
of all the other crap NOW! And if you join now, we'll throw in, at no b
extra cost, a free and very useless head cleaner that fell off the back e
of a lorry. It's worth $9.95! And now it's FREE! You'll never need
anything to lose somewhere down the back of the stereo amongst all the i
wires and old cassettes again! t
.
So, join now! Every two months you'll receive a free copy of the club's
full colour four page catalogue err magazine that gives a raving review H
of every product offered, no matter how bad it is. Yes, Toxic Music o
Direct Saver Club is a music store in your own home. By joining, you'll o
have the luxury of shopping at home, without ever having to see the r
album cover, read the sleeve notes, listen to a couple of songs on the a
headphones, or any of those tedious things we all hate doing in record y
shops. So join now - Toxic Music Direct Saver Club - the music club ,
that makes us more.
y
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - i
p
Well, we're fast nearing that magic 124th line, so let's get on with e
the formalities and then we can check our stop watches! e
,
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's (almost) all of this week's Toxic Custard, e
so bugger off and read something else. Back-issues t
are still available for those who can be bothered c
getting off their bums and replying to this, or .
emailing tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ The only people who ever
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ use the word "Antipodes"
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ are those who don't live
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ here.
10:18pm and TCWF is written. It jist hast obe roofread and thenits finsihed.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Mind numblingly Toxic Custard
* * * ***** * * * ****** ***** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
* * * * * * * * * * Number 104 - 13th July 1992
***** * * ***** * * ***** * * *
* * * * * * * * * * * Written by Daniel Bowen O
* *** ***** ***** * * ****** *** n
c
BUY A BURGLAR ALARM TODAY! e
BUY THE NEW "DAYLIGHT ROBBERY" BURGLAR ALARM!
a
- Installs easily in your house, with only ten hours scurrying around g
the skirtingboard with a mass of colourful spaghetti wiring followed by a
as many desperate phonecalls to the electrician as you have the i
strength for n
- Instantly warns when the cat is detected coming back from having a
crap in the garden t
- Goes off constantly when you're out, annoying the neighbours h
- Loud enough to piss off people who live nearby, and quiet enough not e
to be heard by passing police patrols
- Not recognised by any known insurance companies f
- Fails completely to operate when your house actually gets burgled a
t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
l
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
Caps. What is it with these American basketcase ball caps the kids are f
all wearing? You know, the ones with New York Yankees, LA Looters, San i
Francisco Shakers, and all that. One I saw proclaimed "Cincinatti n
Reds". What sort of a lefty baseball team is that? What are they over g
there, commo? Lefto... Pinko... Ohio... Alcoholo... Bozo.. Groucho, e
Harpo, Marco Polo, and all that. r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
f
T H E M E N U
f
BREAKFAST a
--------- t
e
SAUSAGES AND EGG SPECIAL: Half a sausage, some bacon fat and an
unhatched chicken fried for two minutes together with the f
caffeine of your choice .................................... $6.95 u
c
CEREAL BREAKFAST: All the tiny crumbs from down the bottom of k
the cereal box plus bonus freshly squeezed cow juice, *AND* s
spoon provided at no extra cost ............................ $1.95
u
TOAST: Bits of bread burnt to a crisp with a luscious spread p
of yellowish stuff on the top .............................. $1.85
a
FOOD FOR THE CIVILISED AMONGST US WHO AREN'T ALIVE BEFORE MIDDAY n
---------------------------------------------------------------- d
MARINATED KEBABS: Two tender bits off a cow, thrown into the s
microwave for ten minutes until well and truly charcoaled e
and radioactive, served with a bunch of potato bits cut n
into smaller bits and a dollop of tomato sauce ............. $8.95 d
s
SPARE RIBS: Five delicious ribs off a cow with the minimum
of meat, grilled over a slow heat for five minutes and m
served with a big baked potato on a plate .................. $7.50 e
AMERICAN STYLE SPARE RIBS: Five delicious ribs off a cow s
with the minimum of meat, grilled over a slow heat for p
five minutes and served with a big baked potato on a plate i
stolen from the Hyatt Regency Los Angeles ................. $10.50 n
n
SUPER HOT DOG: Twelve inches of moist firm sausage in a bun ..... $4.50 i
n
FISH AND CHIPS: One and a half fish fingers, straight from the g
packet with a dozen huge sized French fries. I&J's finest!.. $8.95
i
BLOODY BIG BURGER WITH THE LOT: A toasted bun cut in half, n
with sesame seeds which have all fallen off sprinkled on t
top, a coating of delicious margarine, a super-fine slice o
of all Aussie condemned beef, and all the leftovers from
yesterday we can find ...................................... $5.50 t
h
PIZZA: What do you think this is, bloody Pizza Hut? Piss off! e
PASTA: A bunch of long floppy Italian stuff in meat sauce, s
direct to you from the supermarket frozen food section...... $7.25 i
d
SOUP OF THE DAY: Well, yesterday to be precise .................. $3.75 e
w
DRUMSTICK: We especially breed mutated chickens with eight legs a
each to help cater for the legions of gullible people who y
ask for this delicacy. Leg off a chicken cooked with a load s
of unidentifiable gunk sprinkled over it ................... $4.95
w
CHICKEN BREAST: A succulent piece of breast you can really get o
your lips around ........................................... $4.50 r
l
CHICKEN SURPRISE: All the other bits of the chook we have left d
over. Guts optional......................................... $1.95
o
DRINKS f
------
c
COFFEE: Concentrated caffeine in a mug with some water .......... $1.50 r
u
TEA: Some weed we got from a bloke in Flinders Lane one d
Saturday night served in a cup with some boiled H2O ........ $1.50 .
CAPPUCINO: Like the coffee, but fifty cents extra ............... $2.00 O
r
CAFE LATTE: Like the cappucino, but fifty cents extra ........... $2.50
s
*NOTE: Cutlery, politeness and untardiness charges apply* o
m
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
That's enough of this gunk for this week. t
Toxic Custard returns next week, and if h
you're really unlucky enough to be around i
for it, tough. Back-issues are still n
available for those of you stupid enough g
to ask at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Or reply
to this message. Toodleloo. .yawyna ,taht ekil
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ Isn't annoying how you get those
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ bits of stuff between your toes?
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ Why doesn't someone invent some
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ podiatral floss?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Just as well it's Toxic Custard
##################
==================
==## %% $$$$$$$$%%$$$$$$
==## %% $$ %%
==## %% $$%%$$$$%%$$
======%%==$$%%====%%
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_______________$$_______________
| "Toxico Imparo Virules Thingo" |
|________________________________|
The one hundred and fifth
Toxic Custard Workshop Files
Presented to the public at large on the twentieth day of July
in the year of our LORD nineteen-hundred and ninety-two
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HI, YOU'VE REACHED THE ROMMELS ON 123-4567. 'COS WE HAVE THIS STUPID
PHONE-NUMBER, WE KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY A LITTLE KID LEARNING TO COUNT
WHO'S TRYING TO PRACTICE ON THE PHONE, OR A PRANKSTER TRYING TO FIND G
OUT WHO HAS THIS PHONE NUMBER. WELL, YOU'VE GOT OUR ANSWERING MACHINE, o
AS WE'RE SICK OF ANSWERING TO YOU TWERPS ALL THE TIME. IF YOU REALLY o
WANT TO TALK TO US, LEAVE A MESSAGE AND WE'LL EITHER CALL BACK WHEN AND d
IF WE CAN BE BOTHERED, OR INTERRUPT YOU SUDDENLY JUST BEFORE YOU HANG
UP, IF WE HAVE THE ENERGY TO GET OVER TO THE PHONE IN TIME. <Beep!> s
o
Duh, hi Mick. This is Tezza. I'm just like leaving a message on yer m
machine. Can ya call me back? And if I'm not here, I'll be somewhere e
else. Cheers mate, bye. t
- - h
i
DUH, HI, YOU'VE REACHED TEZZA CARLSON'S PHONE. TEZZA'S EITHER OUT OF n
THE HOUSE OR OUT OF HIS HEAD RIGHT NOW, SO JUST LEAVE A MESSAGE, OKAY? g
<Beep!>
a
Hi Tezza. This is Mick here, returning your call. Can you call me back s
sometime? Hey, did you see the Cats on Sunday? Heh heh. Oh, don't
forget you owe me a beer. Seeya. t
- - h
e
HI, YOU'VE REACHED THE ROMMELS AGAIN. WE GOT COMPLAINTS FROM PRANKSTERS
CALLING LONG-DISTANCE THAT OUR ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE WAS TOO LONG, c
SO WE'VE CUT IT DOWN A BIT. SO, EITHER SOD OFF OR LEAVE A MESSAGE. a
<Beep!> s
e
Duh, Hi, this is Tezza again leaving a message for Mick. Yeah Mick, the
Cats were good. Who won, anyway? You know me Mick, I'm not too good wiv m
numbers. And that beer - well, I thought you owed it to me, tosspot. a
Call me back. Bye. y
- -
b
DUH HI, YOU'VE REACHED TEZZA. HE'S OUT SPRAYING PHONE-BOXES RIGHT NOW, e
SO IF YOU COULD LEAVE A MESSAGE, HE'LL GET BACK TO YOU. <Beep!>
a
Yo Tezza, this is Mick. Don't spray the box in Ralton Parade, okay? I n
use it for phoning the TAB. I forget who won the game, mate. One team d
or the other, it usually is. See that umpire though? What a dickhead.
Just 'cos one bloke punched the other bloke in the face. So sure he s
ended up in hospital with a concussion and a bruised brain and injuries o
to his eye, but hell, it's part of the game, innit. You could be right m
about the beer, I don't remember. But I do remember that thing what you e
borrowed off me. So could you get it back to me pronto, 'cos I need to t
use it. h
- - i
n
YES, YOUR FINGERS HAVE COUNTED TO SEVEN AND YOU'VE REACHED US. NOW g
CONGRATULATE YOURSELF AND HANG-UP, OR SPEAK AFTER THE TOME. <Beep!>
e
Duh hi Mick, this is Tezza again. I don't know how come I never get to l
speak to you, but I remember what I borrowed off you what you wanted s
back. Yeah. It was the manual to your answering machine. Don't worry e
about the umpy mate, me and the lads from down the road saw him after
the match in the carpark and congratulated him. We managed to get rid t
of the crowbar down the canal. Seeya. w
- - o
.
DUH, THIS IS TEZZA'S ANSWERING MACHINE. HE'S OUT MUGGING OLD LADIES AND
TAKING THEIR PENSION CARDS RIGHT NOW, BUT LEAVE A MESSAGE AND HE'LL GET W
BACK TO YER. <Beep!> h
a
Hi Tezza. Yeah, I need that manual back. I can't turn off my answering t
machine. And I don't know which button to press to answer the phone
when I pick it up. I can change the message, call back, but I can't a
turn the bloody thing off or answer. Any ideas? Call me back. m
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I
The latest news is that a Qantas jumbo-jet flying over the Pacific has o
made radio contact with a US Navy ship and threatened to drop twenty n
hours worth of toilet waste on them unless they met the Qantas pilot's
conditions, which were: a
* that the ship immediately change course b
* that the ship's captain sing the Mickey Mouse club theme song ten o
times over international distress call frequencies u
* that the ship's crew dance the polka naked from the waist down t
while sailing into Pearl Harbor (sic) ?
and * the entire US Defense (sic) department and services staff, and
the President of the United States be placed on special rations of W
pigs' snot for the next three weeks e
l
No decision had been made about the demands at the last report, but l
Presidential staff were said to have been chewing it over. No comment
was made about rumours that White House chef of staff Walton h
Eagleburger had been seen at the local store ordering pigs' snot. o
Although a White House sauce said that Eagleburger was also Washington w
DC district purchaser for Kentucky Fried Chicken, which would explain
his behaviour. He also said that President Bush drew the line at s
broccoli, but that he was quite impartial to the smell of pigs' snot in h
the morning. o
u
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ l
You've thankfully reached the rear-end of another batch d
of Toxic Custard. If you'd like to view previous
Custards, send a self-stamped and addressed envelope by I
email to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, and we'll send you the
details back by return of post. k
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen o
-- ____ w
Daniel Bowen, Monash University,---/ ___/ __\_> ?
Melbourne, Australia--------------/ / /
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au-----/ \
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-/ AUSTRALIAN W(R)IT
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
