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The Toxic Custard Workshop Episoder 116 to 120
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*****************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************
***********PARTS ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN TO ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY**********
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
_______________________________________________________________________________
WherethehelldidIputToxicCustard
/
___________ ____ _ _ ______ __ _ /_
|___ ___// ___|| |_| |\ __// || | / \ Toxic Custard Workshop Files
\ / | |___ | | | | \ _\ | || || ** | Number one-hundred and sixteen
\/ \____\|_____| \_| |_||_| \__/ Written by Daniel Bowen
5th October 1992
WHERETHEHELLDIDIPUTIT SYNDROME
I think everyone who has ever lived must have suffered from the
wherethehelldidIputit syndrome. One day, you'll be innocently minding
your own business, and *ping* suddenly you think, "Gee, what I could E
really use right now is an X. Now, where did I last see that really v
great X that I had?" And do you find it? Do you instantaneously e
remember where you left it when you last saw it? Does a particular r
drawer or cupboard spring to mind straight away which you happen to
know was the last sighting of your X? No, of course not. It could be h
bloody anywhere, and you won't find it, not in this lifetime. You could a
spend the rest of your days searching high and low, moving hell and d
high water to find it, but let's face it, when it comes down to it,
you're just going to have to bite the bullet and go out and shell out a
for a new one, aren't you.
And fate decrees that within minutes of triumphantly walking into "
the house after purchasing your brand new X, the most deluxe model in W
the entire city which you saved for three weeks without eating to buy, h
you will, of course, naturally, stumble across your old X, in some e
Godforsaken location, which, although frighteningly accessible, you r
never thought of looking at before. e
Bummer, eh? t
And if you're wondering, I've lost my D25 gender changer thingy. h
e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
e
Okay, it's "thankfully short honest-to-God story from childhood" time. l
I hate to drag out the cliches, but this really happened, okay? Okay. l
Everyone knows about Uri Geller and his spoon bending. Well I had a d
friend, and he'd heard about this. And he wasn't impressed. And he told i
me so. He said "there's nothing special about that.. bending spoons.. d
anyone can do that." And he showed me. He picked out a teaspoon from I
the cutlery drawer, held it in his two hands, and bent it. p
u
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
i
THE INVERTEBRATORS t
"
Tonight we investigate the scandalous operations of Roger Reilly. Roger
Reilly's company, "Rocket Ripoff Merchants Inc." has conned money out p
of several dozen very thick people in this country. r
Jane and John Wilson were two of the extremely stupid people who o
have fallen foul of Roger Reilly's Ripoff and have consequently b
contacted us so that we can broadcast to the nation how gullible they l
are. e
m
JOHN: Well, this man knocked on the door, and he said "Hi, I'm from ?
Roger Reilly's Rocket Ripoff Merchants Incorporated, and if you'll give
me lots of money, I promise to never see you again." And of course, we W
thought that was a good idea, and we even signed the contract he gave e
us, agreeing to hand over large sums of money to him, but we never l
dreamed that this would happen. l
And what actually happened? d
o
JOHN: He took lots of our money, and we never saw him again. n
'
But isn't that what he said would happen? t
JOHN: No, he said he'd never see us again, not the other way around. t
That's completely different, and it wasn't in the contract we signed. h
We just feel as though we've been cheated. We're finding it hard to i
make ends meet now that that money has gone. n
k
Yes yes, save us the sob story about losing your job and having to make
money by performing acts of depravation with toadstools. w
e
JANE: It's just been so awful, these last few months. Thank God now
we've contacted you and got our plight on television. That'll solve c
everything. a
n
Well, don't think that calling us in is actually going to solve
anything; we're just here to get ratings. d
Anyway, we chased up Roger Reilly's Ripoff Merchants Incorporated o
at their multi-storey building floating on Sydney Harbour. Mr Reilly
predictably declined an interview on camera, so we decided to smash a
down the front door, argue our way past his receptionist, and end up n
chasing him out of the building with the camera wobbling y
uncontrollably, down the road to his luxury car with the leather seats, t
six doors, three toilets and spa facilities, where he would drive off h
so the viewers could see what a completely and utterly rich bastard con i
artist he was. But unfortunately, he changed his mind and decided to n
give us the interview after all. g
Mr Reilly, what do you say to the accusations that you are taking money a
from your customers without giving them anything in return? b
o
ROGER: Well, it's true. u
t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i
It's all very well to say that we just had a state election, and that t
that's giving the people a choice, but what choice did we really have? .
When it all comes down to it, we had no choice. None. Which ever way we
voted, we were going to end up with a premier whose initials are J.K. B
a
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ d
YOU have been READING the 116th TOXIC custard.
Bloody AWFUL, wasn't it. IF you'd like TO read l
the BACK issues, may I suggest that YOU reply u
to THIS message, or SEND mail to c
TCWF@GNU.AI.MIT.EDU right now. k
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ,
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
-- m
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | E.T. reminds me of an old woman a
Melbourne, Australia------------| on the tram the other day: t
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| wrinkled, making funny noises, e
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | and very bad posture. .
_______________________________________________________________________________
Piss weak Toxic Custard
In article <1992Sep29.164718.12569@topaz.ucq.edu.au> in aus.jokes,
slaterk@topaz.ucq.edu.au writes:
> The toxic custard workshop files are a complete and utter waste of reading
> time.
> I can't see how students or otherwise can afford time spend so much time
> compiling and editing such shit.
Quite right, it's a huge and complete pile of horse shit with half-a-
million stinking flies flying around just dying to sink their fangs
into it! The authors deserve to be chopped into small bits and put
through the digestive system of a female rhino on heat before being
scooped up and flattened by a forty ton steam-roller going 20
kilometres over the speed limit.
Let's face it, no-one finds TCWF funny. For instance, I can't stand
the fucking thing. And that's good enough for me. I'm telling you, If
my eyeballs so much as catch sight of the letters T C W and F in that
order, they explode, covering everything and everyone around me with
various limbs and dubious bodily substances.
Every single issue, should they not cause my head to blow up,
causes me to fall asleep at the keyboard. No, not fall asleep,
regurgitate. Yuck, there's vomit all over the screen, and in between
the keys, and everything.
Oh CHRIST, here comes another one!
---t--c--w--f--1--1--7------------------------WFTC-Toxic Custard Workshop Files
******* ***** * * ******* * * ****** FTCW Custard Workshop Files Toxic
* * * * * * * * * TCWF Workshop Files Toxic Custard
* * * * * * ***** * * * CWFT Files Toxic Custard Workshop
* ***** * * * * * *---WFTC-Number 117-12th October 1992
I'm fed up with X brand condoms
They're all full of little holes
The rubber isn't smooth and soft G
And kids aren't a current goal o
I won't buy no more cheapo bread o
It tastes like complete crap d
Eat too much and end up dead
Dead as ten kamikaze Japs m
And as for low price t-shirts o
They really just don't fit r
They lose their shape, sleeves fall off n
They're a festering pile of shit i
I'll steer clear of no name videos n
They jam in the machine g
Spew tape in all directions ,
Picture quality's obscene
I've put a ban on budget cat-food w
The cats will just ignore h
And if per chance they try a bit a
It's thrown up on the floor t
Cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap e
More cheaps than a bird cage v
Bargains low price cheap reduced e
All made for less than the minimum wage r
No more bargain garbage bags
They split and spill, you see y
They leave the neighbourhood smelling worse o
Than a bucket of KFC u
Those cheap batteries piss me off
Running down like others don't a
Leaking acid every where r
Turning Bee Gees to baritones e
I'm sick of Home Brand wipers .
They drip all on the floor
They fall apart like El Al planes T
And soak up bugger all h
e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
s
TRANSYLVANIA WATERS - a real life drama looking into the everyday lives i
of a family of vampires. This week, Noeline denies she has a blood d
addiction problem, and gets an apology from the Federal Health e
Minister. Paul and Dione stay out after dawn accidentally, and Laurie w
narrowly dodges half a dozen angry viewers armed with wooden stakes. a
y
PS. Isn't Noeline Donaher a dead-ringer for Noeline Hogan!?! s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - m
e
ROCK NEWS - THE CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF **MEGABOGUE** s
s
Megabogue, the all-Australian very heavy-metal bastard band currently a
in the USA on their "Touring The USA" tour, have been kicked out of the g
Four-Star Garbagio Hotel in San Francisco. The band haven't actually e
been fortunate enough to be booked for any concerts while in America,
but decided to go ahead with the tour anyway just to try and gain some i
publicity, a ploy which has failed utterly. s
Hotel manager Mr Martin Believable claimed that members of the band
had systematically demolished the entire building by first visiting s
every single room and smashing in the bathroom mirrors, throwing the a
television sets out of the windows, upturning the beds, some of which d
still had one or more guests in them. Harry "Headbanger" Wall, the lead l
guitarist then placed explosives to structurally weaken the hotel while y
bass guitar player Bonk Mee moved in with bulldozers and one of those
big balls on the end of a chain that you always see demolishing crews d
using. Rhythm guitarist Vimmy "The Thorn" made several suggestive e
comments about balls, and other parts of the anatomy to passing women. p
The end result was that the hotel building, and quite a few around l
it, were razed. Developers have offered to buy the site and turn it e
into a multi-storey car park instead. t
Megabogue's manager R. Orf-Severely discounted accusations that it e
was all just a big publicity stunt, and pointed out the unexpected d
result of the entire band, their entourage of three, and himself,
ending up imprisoned for four years. He said that naturally the band t
would be putting forward an appeal, prepared by their unfortunately low h
paid and under-qualified attorney. i
s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, that was Terrible. Custard Wasn't Funny w
for the one-hundred and twelfth week running. e
Big bloody surprise. Pathetic. Irresponsible. e
Shameful. Slanderous. Worthless. Erroneous. k
Arthropodic. Kaput. And if you'd like more .
rotten terrible back-issues, reply to this, or
send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Apparently the end of the world is due on the
Melbourne, Australia------------| 19th of October... which is a bummer for my
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| sister, whose birthday is the day after. I
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | guess we save on presents this year, eh sis?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Apocalyptic Toxic Custard
\\ ///// \\ // =====\ Toxic Custard Workshop Files || || //'`\\
\\--- // \\ /\ // | || No. 118 - 19th October 1992 || || >>--<<
\\ //// \\//\\// | || Written by Daniel Bowen || || \\__//
Infamous Russian serial-killer Andrei Chikatilo has been sentenced to
death, and is officially now in "Death-Queue". He has also been accused
of battering his wife. The state prosecutor provided evidence, A
including an order form for an extra extra extra large frying pan, and p
several gallons of batter. He is expected to be executed just as soon o
as the Russian military can get together enough bullets and working c
guns for the firing squad, enough bricks for a wall for him to stand a
against, and a qualified bricklayer. l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
p
MEANWHILE, IN THE WHITE HOUSE t
i
BUSH: Godammit, we need action in Yugoslavia now! After those stoopid c
debates we need to show the world who's boss. And show them it's ,
me, preferably. We have to show that we can maintain the peace in
Bosnia as well as we did in Kuwait. s
e
GENERAL EAGLEBURGER: Well Mr President, here's a plan we at the i
Pentagon have drawn up. There's Yugoslavia there. Now, if we send s
the troops in here to separate the Serbs and the Bosnians... m
i
BUSH: Just a moment General. Now, where are the oilfields? c
,
EAGLEBURGER: Sir, there are no oilfields.
c
BUSH: You mean these guys are tearing each others throats out and a
there's no oil involved? That's crazy. Maybe we can sell them some? t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
c
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... l
McDonald's. We all know how unfashionable McDonald's is - but why is y
McChuck's still so irresistible? How do those two famous and highly s
suggestive golden arches keep dragging in millions of people year after m
year? Is it the snazzy uniforms worn by the teenage delinquents who i
carry the food from the dispensing machines and ovens to the counter? c
Is it the crappy Muzak of the best of the Beatle's hits - for all ,
intents and purposes a musical SIN. "Hey Jude" loses most of its spirit
when transferred to the organ. Is it the wonderfully leafy fake plants? i
Or perhaps the decor? Some people just can't resist trying to grab l
those window seats with the pretend leather covering on the back l
(though not on the actual seat bit where your bum goes, heaven forbid). i
All the atmosphere of a landing on the moon. t
And then of course, there's the food. The shakes, for which the e
straw provided is not even remotely approaching adequate for the task - r
an industrial strength vacuum cleaner might be more suitable; the pure a
fresh orange juice with that great taste of plastic cup; the t
flesh-melting HOT apple pie; the infamous Chicken McSomethings; and the e
two all-beef patties blah blah blah on a rather sickly tasting ,
sesame-seed bun. (Ever taken a close look at a slice of cheese supplied
on a McDonaldsburger? Euch! If a Swiss cheesemaker ever accidentally d
came up with one of those, he'd be shot.) i
Let's not forget those plastic recycled trays with the paper c
recycled public service messages plastered all over them. How the hell t
are you meant to read them without spilling your fries, someone else's i
shake and all the mayonnaise from your stupidly named Filet'o'Fish all o
over the table, the floor, and the person-next-to-you's genitals? n
But for all this - the gruesome surrounds, the mediocre food, why i
do people go? Why?! 'Cos they know what they're getting, that's why! f
(That's why I go! Do you? Yeah?) i
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - c
.
OH, GOOD MORNING. I SAW THE SIGN OUTSIDE, "TORTOISES WANTED", AND I .
THOUGHT I'D APPLY.
O
Ah but, sir, you aren't a tortoise. I would venture to say that you k
don't even remotely resemble a tortoise, not in way, shape, size or a
form. Or, for that matter, demeanour. y
,
NO NO, NOT ME, ALTHOUGH I MUST CONFESS THAT THE PROSPECT OF TAKING UP
SUCH A POSITION DOES NOT REPEL ME TO A LARGE EXTENT. NEVERTHELESS, I o
INTEND TO OFFER NIGEL HERE AS AN APPLICANT TO THE POSITION OF TORTOISE. k
a
Erm, this is Nigel, is it? y
,
YES.
I
But this so-called "Nigel" appears to be a large half-a-walnut shell
painted green with four matchsticks and what I presume to be a small c
section of Italian sausage attached to one end. a
n
GERMAN, ACTUALLY. '
t
German. I see. Well, Mister.. erm..
t
ANTSBOTTOM h
i
Well Mister Antsbottom, though your presentation of your no doubt good n
companion Nigel for this position is undoubtedly first-rate (I like the k
little bow-tie, by the way), I'm afraid that Nigel really isn't of the
calibre required for this most demanding of reptilian positions. o
f
OH. WELL, I SUPPOSE IT WAS WORTH A TRY, WASN'T IT.
a
Quite so. Good day. n
y
WELL, BYE BYE. C'MON NIGEL. I TOLD YOU HE'D REALISE YOU WERE A TURTLE, t
BUT WOULD YOU LISTEN? h
i
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
Your eyeballs have been host to another bum-trickling g
issue of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. If your
eyeballs would like a gander at a selection of the t
TCWF's of the golden ages of 1990 and 1991, please o
don't hesitate to email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for full .
and frank details. . g
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ...ereh o
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | And for those of you who don't believe today
Melbourne, Australia------------| is the end of the world.. just you wait!
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| The entire population of the planet may get
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | obliterated, but boy, will the laugh be on
you!
AND NOW FOR THE INAUGURAL TOXIC CARTOON WEEKLY FILE. To see it, you
need to save it to a file and uudecode it. Then bung it into a program
you can see GIFs with. If you have any problems, seek out your local
computer geek.
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end
_______________________________________________________________________________
Star jumping Toxic Custard
TOXIC __ __ ______
CUSTARD | | | __ | Number 119 Written by
WORKSHOP | | |____ | 26th October 1992 Daniel Bowen
-----------------FILES--|__|__|______|-----------------------------------------
AEROBICS FOR AMPUTEES: Okay, now let's have star jumps.. oh.. erm..
well, half-star jumps.. for those of you missing arms, just jump and T
throw your remaining arm outwards... for those missing legs, put both h
arms out but obviously only one leg, otherwise you'll fall over. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
g
Have you heard that new Brian May song, "Too Much Love Will Kill You"? r
Lovely, lovely. A marvellous tribute to the late Freddie Mercury. But e
that new REM song, "Drive"... well, all I can say is, anyone who still a
refers to today's youth as "Hey, kids!" is obviously unaware that he's t
got a serious credibility problem. The last one to get away with "kids" e
was Pete Townshend in nineteen sixtysomething. s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
AEROBICS FOR AMPUTEES: Now I wanna see push-ups.. err no, that's a bit w
impractical. Let's try touching your toes! If you have them all. Oh, i
shortage of hands. How about one foot at a time then? s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
o
MR POPSICLE RETURNS! for a nerve-boring brain-dulling story of mystery m
and adventure and violent acts.
i
The scene: A street, very like the one you or I might live in, in fact, n
I think it's mine. Though it could be yours. Or anyone's, for that
matter. Just your average boring suburban street, full to the brim with t
average boring people who moved there because the real estate agent h
told them it was going to be pretty average and boring, rather than e
bloody scary and quite interesting (in a macabre sort of a way), as
it's about to get, on or about the next paragraph. But that's what you u
can expect if you believe everything a real estate agent says. They n
should be called fake estate agents, for all the bullshit they spin. i
(A footnote here, which shouldn't be here, since it's meant to be a v
footnote, but it won't fit in my shoe right at the moment, because my e
foot's in it instead... I know some of you lot are sick and tired of r
Popsicle, but hell, he's the only one of my characters with whom I can s
develop some sort of developing narrative story. So there. Oh, and e
*ALSO*, why does listening to The Who double my creative output?)
Anyway, back on this boring and normal (I can't say average c
anymore, since the events that are about to happen here will render it a
un-average for at least the next fifteen minutes) street. The Smiths at n
number 65 were just settling down to dinner when they heard a loud
banging from the back yard. Not at their peril, they ignored it, b
thinking it to be just the budgie indulging in heavy metal music again. e
In fact the banging in the back yard was no less than an armoured
truck, absolutely chocka with dosh. It was a special Armaguard delivery f
bound for the Channel 9 TV studios, for a filming of "Sale of the o
Century". You know that bit where Tony Barber or whoever that u
non-entity who replaced him announces the cash jackpot that no-one's n
won for the fifty-seventh year in succession at the end of the show, d
and they get the camera on the two security guards with the least
dandruff and fleas they could find, grinning inanely because they think i
the entire audience are looking at them in awe (the audience is n
actually slobbering over the quite plainly ridiculous amount of cash in
the transparent box next to them). That's where the money in the truck t
was bound. But there was one problem. The dosharooney company was in h
the throes of a horrifying and unexpected attack of flu. Well, okay, e
that makes two problems, the second of them being that due to a staff
shortage during the flu epidemic (for want of a better word), the "
company had assigned to the particular delivery that we are concerned W
in (and concerned at, because it's taking so long to get past the o
description of it and into the real story) two of the most cautious and m
guarded guards they had. Which wasn't a problem in itself. But what was a
a problem was that neither of these guards had quite mastered the n
reading of maps. John and Jane jumping up hills with big red balls and '
running around with small dogs who never licked their own testicles (or s
John's for that matter), they could handle. But plonk these two down in
front of the ol' Melways, and they were lost. If Rand McNally himself D
had arrived to personally guide them through the area, they still would a
have been lost. A collaboration of the greatest explorers of history y
could not have saved them. They were well and truly up shit street "
without a puddle of a clue where they were going.
Those of you with higher quality minds, refined and practised in h
the art of memory will remember that the armoured truck in question was o
passing through the back yard of a family in a normal street in a r
normal suburb. The truck in fact also passed through two sections of r
the fence surrounding either side of the back yard before making its o
way onto an empty block next door back towards the familiar sight of r
gravel. The drivers of the truck naturally thought this was good. They s
thought it was the best luck to happen on this trip since they'd c
narrowly missed running over sixty school kids on an excursion to a o
traffic island, five kilometres back. p
There were others who also thought it was good. But it wasn't the e
local residents, it was the Ruthless gang of thugish bank robbers lying
in wait for the truck, further down the street. Ruthless, utterly c
Ruthless. For amongst all their members, there was not one who had been o
named Ruth. In this respect, the gang were also Morrisless, Lesless, l
and Charless. Not to mention Dickless. (Dick appears later in the u
story). m
The truck continued in its merry way, with one guard firmly n
gripping the wheel in his steady hands, and the other firmly gripping a .
1972 edition of a street directory for the outer eastern suburbs of
Cairo upside down in one hand while the other hand scanned the page
looking for map reference F4.
*What will happen? Will the Fredless gang get away with the money?*
*Course they will, otherwise there'll be no crime for Popsicle and*
*his mates to investigate! No informers to beat up! No prisoners*
*to assault in the cells! Call that a story? Do me a favour! Find*
*out all this stuff in the next thrilling episode of Mr Popsicle!!*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mr Popsicle appears courtesy of the
Association Of Famous Spies And Law
Enforcers. For previous Popsicle
adventures (which are in previous
TCWFs, naturally), contact the usual
boring address for information.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | I bought a beeswax candle,
Melbourne, Australia------------| but I think I've been
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| ripped off. It smells more
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | like honey to me.
Here's the second TCWF cartoon, "A Toxic Halloween"
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end
_______________________________________________________________________________
Green and red Toxic Custard
____ ___ ____ ___ _
/ || \ // || || || /|| / \ // \\ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES..
|| || || || ||__ || ___/ || || Sillily Written by Daniel Bowen
.||. \\___ ||/\|| || .||. /____ \\_// Number 120 - 2nd November 1992
This issue of Toxic Custard promises to be the most recent in at least
a week, and the very first to feature spotted pie vans flying
diagonally into the lake whilst singing a rendition of "When I'm Sixty F
Four". TCWF 120 will also feature an estimated 9 completely utterly i
obvious lies, along with 13 bendings of the truth, and around 20 r
exaggerations. s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
While it's widely rumoured that green M&Ms are an aphrodisiac, little P
is known about the powers of the other coloured M&Ms. Recent fictional h
research has shown a number of properties and reactions that the a
different colours of M&Ms have: r
- medium brown, when eaten in large quantities can act as a
laxative. If more than 10 are eaten within half an hour, the L
patient err eater is liable to be stuck on the toilet for three a
days or more. p
- dark brown is known to expand people's feet, by up to three sizes. .
Which can be more than a little awkward if they have shoes on at .
the time. t
- orange may cause the eater to unknowingly donate huge sums of h
money to bizarre religious sects of various persuasions e
- yellow will often cause all the hair to fall out, and a sudden and n
rapid disproportionate expansion of the genitalia
- red can cause some discolouration of the eyes and may, in extreme Y
cases, lead to communist tendencies a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
k
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... e
Society's problems. There are a number of problems that society faces l
today. And most of them could be solved if the politicians could only
be bothered getting off their lazy parliamentary arses and doing some R
real work, instead of shouting at each other all day and night and day o
long and actively seeking to burn everybody's money while doing so. s
Firstly, reorganise weekends. No-one should have a break on the e
weekends; they should all be allocated to special weekend slavery n
workshops, to get the economy working again. b
Next, all advertising executives should be shot. Now where, you may a
ask, is the logic behind this? Simple. We all watch loads of tv. With u
no advertising, this should save about thirty percent of the average m
person's television time, which could be put to good use working in .
slavery instead. Great! .
Other people who should be shot and killed as soon as possible
include environmentalists, schoolkids, unionists, vandals, mental w
patients, transvestites and comedians. Not to mention loud-mouthed h
people who sho
ut their opinions constantly at people who couldn't care o
less, that's what really gets up my nose...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
i
MR POPSICLE RETURNS! again, for the second episode in this foot-numbing l
adventure mystery l
The scene: the precis of the last episode. A very ordinary episode, b
almost identical to the one you might have read last week. If you e
bothered. If you didn't just skim through this crap, perhaps only
reading the sideways message in the right-hand margin. Anyway, for n
those of you who would like to be reminded, an armoured truck is about e
to be ambushed and robbed by a Ruthless gang of psychopathic thug x
lunatic bank robbing-type-people armed to the gums with various deadly t
paraphernalia. ,
The truck continued roving the streets in an aimless way, in the
same way that an insect flies around looking for someone's nostril to P
explore. The gang's plan was to surround the truck at a set of traffic a
lights and pretend to offer to clean the windscreen. u
One of the gang's team, the one who was the most experienced in l
electronics, having taken advanced lessons in fuse and light bulb
replacement at the School Of Handyman Hints And Tips, crouched by the H
traffic light control box (number 3932, call 882-8111 in the event of o
failure) until he saw the van in the distance. He then used his sawn- g
off screwdriver set to open the control box and press what he hoped a
were the buttons to change the traffic lights to red and make the n
demonic little red man appear in the pedestrian subdivision of the ?
traffic lights.
The armoured truck's driver, despite having difficulty with maps, W
had mastered that most significant of road-laws which equates red with e
"STOP!", in much the same way as the red and green on banks' withdrawal l
and deposit forms subliminally suggest what we should do with our l
hard-earned dosh. Anyway, to cut what could very easily become a long ,
story short(er), the driver stopped. And so did the truck.
The gang went into action. And, having briefly wiped the windscreen w
with a couple of old and crusty wipers they got cheap from a window- e
cleaner supplies shop liquidation sale, two of them, who shall remain
nameless for the time being (in order to maintain a certain mystery c
about their identities, with the purpose of keeping the story just a a
little bit mysterious), went up to either side of the front of the n
truck and asked, in return for their dubious cleaning services, for the
contents of the armoured truck. o
Now, the guards might have been partial fools, but they weren't n
total idiots. After all, they'd both joined Armaguard after failing to l
get into the police force, which has to count for something, doesn't y
it? Assuredly. And if the gang really honestly thought they were going
to be able to fool the guards into handing the considerable amount of h
money in the truck over as easily that, then they had another thing o
coming. Luckily for the gang, though, they didn't actually think that, p
which meant that they *didn't* have another thing coming. They'd done e
their homework, and had decided that the best way of getting the guards .
to hand over all the money was to wait until they'd wound down one or .
more of the windows of the cab, and then to stick a bloody big, and .
preferably threatening looking, gun in their faces.
So they did.
*So what happened? And when will the maniacal goodguys of*
*the Australian Royal Security Establishment actually*
*make it into the story? Well, some of these answers,*
*and more answers to some of the questions you don't even*
*want to consider asking, will all feature in the next*
*incredulous episode of the Adventures Of Mr Popsicle.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That's all for this week. More or less next
week. And last week. And the week before.
In fact, for lots of previous weeks, why not
enquire about back-issues?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (C) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | I think I've got it worked out.
Melbourne, Australia------------| If Robin Williams has a beard in
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| a film, it's a drama... if he's
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | clean shaven, it's a comedy!
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. All rights reserved.
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen |
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | "Water is the thingo of life"
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
