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The Toxic Custard Workshop Episoder 126 to 130
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*****NUMBERS 126 TO 130***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)*****
"21st Century Toxic Custard"
___________ __________________ __________________
|TOXIC CUSTA| |Written by Daniel | |at he has. But he'|
|RD WORKSHOP| |__________ Bowen i| |s usua ___________|
|FILES - Num| __________|n one o| |lly ok|___________
|ber 126, 14| |f thos ___________| |ay onc _____ e he'|
|th of Decem| |e mome|___________ |s take|_____|n all|
|ber, 1992. | |nts of insanity th| |of his medication.|
|___________| |__________________| |__________________|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON...
Charity. The Brotherhood of St Lawrence sent around one of those
collection bags last week. So we put our used tinnies in it - they'll T
get a surprise when they pick it up on Monday morning! Now, don't think h
I'm unsympathetic to the poor, but it's their own fault - they're only e
poor because they don't have any money. They should cheat the dole like
everyone else. We managed to get Fred on an invalid pension, and he's Q
just thick. And that doesn't stop him working as a brickie most days u
Now, I know what you're thinking; you're thinking "old bitch, cheating e
the Social Security.." Well I have to. 'Cos taxes are so high. If we e
didn't cheat, we'd never have any money for smokes or booze. n
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
w
A WORD ABOUT TECHNOLOGY a
Never listen to any sales pitch that claims a miracle new "21st s
Century" device. It's bound to be crap. By the time that the 21st
century actually arrives, they'll be calling marvy new stuff "22nd i
century". The 21st century is nine years away, for heaven sakes. How n
insulted do you think we would be if back in 1983 they had been
claiming that the latest gadgets were "1990s technology"? Yes, the O
latest brand-new incredible 1990s technology- the Commodore 64 x
computer!!... the IBM PC-XT!!!... the incredible new VHS f
video-recorder! (with cord remote control!!!!)... o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
d
This week a new Police Art Exhibition opens at the State Bank Centre
Galleria in Melbourne. Amongst the many creations on display by members y
of the police force are: e
- portrait of suspect climbing through house window s
- diagram of truck collision in South Road t
- montage image of wanted man Arnold Psychopath e
- cubist rendition of a bank hold-up r
- line sketch in chalk of corpse d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
y
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 8
t
Inspector Sideburn, substitute detective from the temp agency, had o
reached a dead-end in his hunt for the armed robbers. So he backed out
of the No Through Road and went back to the local police station to do o
somethingking in his office. Sideburn thought about the problem for a p
while, considered his promise to beat up some suspects by episode e
eight, and decided to get out of the office and go and find some n
suspects to beat up. A promise was a promise, after all. He had made
the pledge in the pub, the Chicken And Bucket, a few days ago, to the a
author, in an effort to ensure that the story kept moving.
In the Chicken And Bucket, there were rumblings. Not to mention two n
vomits, one collapse and no less than four drunken stupors. It was back e
here that Sideburn made his way, to hunt out a few criminal types, to w
get a drink, and most of all, to try and win back his money off that
damn poker machine. After collecting a dubious-looking beverage from m
the barman, he spied a likely-looking suspect: "Scar" Seymour, infamous a
for being a buddy of the nasty, a foe of the friendly, and loose of the r
bowel. r
Sideburn sidled his way over to Seymour and sat down next to him, i
taking care to hold his nose in the least obvious way possible. "Scar" a
Seymour let one of his killer glares loose in Sideburn's direction, but g
it flew past him and hit some poor bastard coming out of the gents'. e
"What the fucking hell do you fucking want, Sideburn, you fucking
cunt?" g
"Cut the pleasantries Scar. I'm here on business." u
"Oh yeah? Is that a fucking fact? Number ones or number twos?" i
Sideburn decided to show him which of the two, and picked up Scar d
by the lapels on his grey jacket and dragged him towards the toilet. a
The other patrons were quite used to this sort of thing, and hardly n
took any notice. After all, what people wanted to do in the toilet was c
their business, and anyway, the condom machine was fully stocked. e
But Sideburn had other matters on his mind this time, and he shoved
Scar into the toilet, into the unoccupied (and significantly less c
clean) cubicle and thence into the toilet bowl, before flushing. He e
muttered something about scum before dragging Scar back out and somehow n
squeezing his head into the clean and hygienic warm air hand-dryer for t
a few seconds. The auto-beam went into action, and Scar got an instant, r
and very bad, blow wave. e
Scar was quite shook-up by this, and became more placid. As one .
would.
"Now Scar, I think you know why I'm here."
"To fucking generally terrorise innocent crims and look tough in
your shitkickers?"
"Yeah. But stop swearing, will you? You're just going to shock the
readers."
"Oh c'mon, the fucking readers never get offended by this shit
anymore, it's all so fucking predictable."
"So gimme the info!"
"Look Sideburn, I never fucking touched those sheep. It was my twin
fucking brother.."
"Not that! The robbery. Who did it?"
"I dunno Mr Sideburn, fucking honest I don't."
"Oh yeah? Shall we see if that nose of yours likes the smell of the
urinal?"
"All right, all right! I heard Jake might be fucking around doing
something."
Sideburn smiled a smile so big you could see the three gaps in his
teeth. He thanked Scar for his trouble, tipped him ten cents, returned
to the bar, finished his drink, plus one more, plus another, plus one
for the road, staggered out and drove back to his office to sleep it
off. He slept long and snored loud, until he woke suddenly in episode
nine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Join us next time for the '92 TCWF Christmas
Special! And if you'd like to give some poor
sod (or sodette) a special gift of a bunch
of TCWF back-issues, they're all available
by ftp. Reply to this message, or send mail
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne, Australia------------| "We all live in a mellow submarine..."
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| - The Jamaican Beatles
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
_______________________________________________________________________________
"Christmassssssy Toxic Custard"
T
O X
I C C
U S T A
R D W O R
K S H O P F
I L E S 1 2 7
2 1 s t O f D e
c e m b e r 1 9 9
2 W r i t t e n B y
D a n i e l B o w e n
|
#####
#####
Christmas comes but once a year
And just now, it is quite near
So get your shopping into gear
For all the rellies you hold dear
Or next time you will get mere
Socks and ties you'll never wear* *rotten rhyme, eh?
And year after year after year after year
Crap presents from all far and near
Christmas comes but once a year
And when it does, drink lots of beer
But don't get drunk and eat your ear
Or all your friends will no doubt jeer
So on second thoughts, forget the beer
Just fall asleep and you will hear
The sound of Santa and reindeer
Skulling all your nice cold beer
Christmas comes but once a year
But down in Oz it's downright weird
With sun, heat and roos, but no deer
No snow, ice or polar bears*
So how does Santa's sleigh get here?
The last line comes soon I fear
I don't know what to write, oh dear!
So I'll wimp out and mention Germaine Greer
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE TWELVE QUOTES OF CHRISTMAS
1. I hate Christmas. It's so bloody nice.
2. Who is this guy Noel, anyway?
3. Christmas is totally sexist. The tree is such a phallic symbol, and
Father Christmas is just symbolic of child-abusing fat uncles.
4. We've only got a flue; I hope Santa's been on a diet.
5. Whatever you want for Christmas, you're not getting it.
6. Boxing day is when you work your way through the house, throwing out
all the boxes.
7. Be looking out for that annual tv news story about the eccentric
Finnish bloke who rides around in a sleigh wearing a Father
Christmas outfit.
8. Christmas comes but once a year. If it came twice, then the
Christians would be confused. And the retailers would be
over the moon.
9. Australia isn't the ideal environment for sleighs. In Australia,
it's rumoured that Santa does his rounds in a milk truck.
Pulled by kangaroos. Flying, rather than bouncing, I presume.
10. The week after Christmas is to recover from Christmas dinner just
in time for the New Year's Eve parties.
11. Rudolph, will you and your nose stop showing off!
12. Excuse me driver, is this your sled? Have you got your reindeer
license handy?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE TOXIC CUSTARD INTERVIEW
Yes folks, this time we've managed to track down that elusive man of the
moment, Mr Santa Claus. We looked up Claus in the phonebook, and we found...
S. M. Claus of Cheltenham, Victoria. Bet you never knew he lived downunder, eh?
Anyway, we gave him a buzz and asked if he was Santa Claus, and he said "No!
Bugger off, I'm just a distant cousin." But before he hung up in disgust, he
did give us the right number. So, we made sure we were signed up with the
Telecom North Pole Flexiplan, and gave him a ring. And here's what happened.
GOOD MORNING. CLAUS ENTERPRISES, YOU WANT 'EM, WE GIVE 'EM.
- Good morning. Is that Santa Claus?
NO, THIS IS CHIEF ELF FRED SPEAKING.
- Ah. Is Santa there please?
ERM.. I'LL JUST SEE. SHALL I SAY WHO'S CALLING?
- Just tell him it's Toxic Custard
SANTA! A MR. CUSTARD FOR YOU!... HE'S JUST COMING.
- Thank you.
YO, SANTA HERE. HOW YOU DOIN', MAN?
- Good morning Santa. Sorry to bother you at such an obviously busy time, but
we were wondering if we could interview.
WHAT IS UP MAN? YOU WANT TO WISH FOR SANTA TO BRING YOU SOMETIN'? YOU GO
THROUGH MY REQUESTS SECRETARY, PLEASE.
- No no, we actually wanted to know how you got the job.
WELL, I SAW THE POST ADVERTISED, AND I APPLIED, YOU KNOW? IT ISN'T OFTEN THAT
SOMETHING THIS PROMISING COMES ALONG. NICE LODGINGS... COMPANY SLEIGH... THE
CHANCE TO HHHHHHHO YOUR HEAD OFF... AND THE JOB ONLY TAKES ONE MONTH A YEAR.
WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR? NOW WHAT YOU DAMN CHILDREN WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? YOU
WANT A NEW GHETTO-BLASTER? I GOT SOME LOVELY WEED HERE FOR YOU, MAN.
+
=|= S E A S O N S G R E E T I N G S
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen. ==|==
-- ===|=== or, re-arranged,
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | ====|====
Melbourne, Australia------------| | S E E G I A N T N O S E S (rg)
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| #####
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | #####
_______________________________________________________________________________
"Nevesforewopehtotowt Toxic Custard"
F A R E W E L L T O
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Toxic ********** ***********
Custard ********** *********
Workshop ********* *********
Files ******** *********
Number 128 ******* ******************************
28th of ******** *******************************
December ******* ********************************
Farewell to ninety-two
What a funny year it's been
With Windsor castle burnt to a crisp
And taxes for the Queen
While Charles and Di untied the knot
Anne re-tied her rope
But Fergie and that Texan guy
Just wanted a quick grope
America showed how it loved
To be ruled under Bush
Now all George can do is say
About the Contras, "Shhhh!"
Spaniards went Olympic mad
With all the usual stuff
S While much to Dan Quayle's dismay
o Murphy got up the duff
,
This state got a new gov'
w And I don't want to be rude
h But it now looks like we all have
a Been well and truly screwed
t
Batman flew, and flopped again,
w The Pope went under the knife
i Custard readers went without
l While I married my wife
l
They said the recession would end
h But they were wrong again
a Jobs down, deficit up
p *AND* those bloody late trains
p
e The USSR fell apart
n Toxikistan free at last
Yugoslavia tried the same trick
i Which was a complete blast
n
A Korean sect thought the world
' Had reached the apocalypse
9 The troops arrived in Somalia
3 And even shut up peaceniks
?
It's been a year both good and bad
W But don't despair, you see
e For all in all it can't be worse
l Than nineteen ninety-three!
l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
h
o WARNING!
w DO NOT READ THIS NOTICE
s People who read this notice will be burnt alive in a cauldron of
h boiling oil, cut up into little pieces and fed to the alligators. But
o first, we'll torture these people. We'll be really nasty. We'll call
u them names. We'll subject them to endless poetry. And when they're
l really really sick of that, *then* we'll burn them alive.
d No! First, before we're really nasty to them, we'll be really nice
to them, just to make the nastiness that little bit more nasty. We'll
I give them cakes. We'll take them for picnics in the country. We'll give
them big parcels with fluffy teddy-bears inside. And *then* we'll be
k really nasty to them.
n But wait! Before we're really nice to them, we'll be impartial to
o them! We'll ignore them mercilessly. We'll pretend to be interested in
w what they're talking about, but actually pay no notice whatsoever.
? We'll contradict them, interrupt them, agree and then contradict them
again all in the same sentence. And *then* we'll be really nice to
- them.
I - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
'
m MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 9
n Inspector Sideburn had a name. Jake. It wasn't *his* name, it was a
o name he'd picked up in a pub toilet. Normally he protected himself
t against picking up things in toilets, but in this case, it was a name
he'd been looking for. Inspector Sideburn, you see, was hunting the
b culprits of an armed robbery which had been committed what seemed like
l a lifetime ago. And probably was. So, as the author munched his way
o through yet another Toblerone, Sideburn knew that this name would be
o handy.
d The name "Jake" was, Sideburn postulated, connected to the surname
y "McGiggin". Jake McGiggin was a well known person of criminal
tendencies, which in Sideburn's book, made him a villain. McGiggin was
N also owner of McGiggin's Rock Quarry ("We Love Getting Our Rocks Off").
o So Sideburn decided that he should go and discuss his suspicions,
s beliefs, worries, personal problems and possible solutions with
t McGiggin. Man to man. Or, allowing for suitable police back-up, man to
r man with half-a-dozen heavily armed colleagues. And he didn't mean
a fellow police officers with thick elbows.
d When Sideburn got to the quarry with his henchmen err colleagues,
a he found Mr McGiggin, and sat him down in the obligatory darkened
m office with one piercingly bright lamp to have a little chat. In fact
u Sideburn had brought along with him a special police van equipped with
s such an office. The Intimidating Room Module was a recent police
, development which had revolutionised interviews.
"Well Jake. I hear you've been up to a thing or two."
a "Err... yeah. Well, you know, I *did* buy a new dinner set for my
m mother-in-law's birthday. But I didn't think that was a criminal
offence no more, Mr Sideburn."
I "Shut up Jake. Now just listen. Stop playing games. Put the chess
? set away. I wanna know about the robbery."
"Robbery? What robbery?"
The interrogation err interview carried on like this for several
dozen more paragraphs. But as luck would have it, the readers were
spared of this, and picked up the story just as Sideburn left the
quarry, without a confession, without any evidence, but with a rather
bad mood, which he relieved by kicking the police station cat when he
got back.
He had to admit it - he just couldn't crack this case. It had him
bewildered. There were less leads to this case there were leads in a
pet shop at the end of "Take Your Dog For A Walk" week.
There was only one solution. One which would be predictable to
those readers more acquainted with the ways of these pathetic stories.
Call in the experts. They'd solve it. The pros. The Australian Royal
Security Establishment.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yes, Popsicle finally makes an appearance
next week in Toxic Custard! But I still
wouldn't recommend holding your breath
until then, because you'll suffocate. For
details about olde Toxic Custard
Workshoppe Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Good luck for the New Year, and try not to
Melbourne, Australia------------| get squished during the after-Christmas
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| sales. Also try to avoid falling through
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | glass doors, being trampled on the
escalators, but above all, GET THAT BARGAIN!
_______________________________________________________________________________
"Junk Toxic Custard Mail"
N Starting MONDAY!!! We present the COMPLETELY FUCKING
TOXIC RIDICULOUS PRICES sale! Bargains to be had by whoever
NUMBER has the most elbow power! [Limited stocks only]
FILES
TWENTY * shove your way to the Home Entertainment department
A for televisions only $50 each! [7 only!]
WORKSHOP
R D U B * wrestle into the Whitegoods department for big
I JANUARY fridges the sizes of houses with 60 compartments
T D each now only $200!!!! [5 only!]
T FOURTH
BOWEN N E * bayonet your way past the crowds into Furniture and
N E DANIEL be the only one in your street to have a $3000
N leather lounge suite for only $10! [5 only!]
D
* machine-gun everyone and you might have the chance
of grabbing full-scale working replica of the Space
Shuttle, at a never to be repeated price of only 50
cents!! [1 only!]
* shop your way into casualty! Break two legs and
get a third limb of your choice, free!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Oh wow man... I think I must have, like, died. That is, all my vibes
are like, being separated from my physical existence... I guess wearing S
that bike helmet would have been a pretty groovy thing to do after all. y
Whoa, spaced out, man.. this is quite a view... all sorts of colours d
and rainbow effects... Whoever's on this gig must have a Quantel. I n
never had a trip as groovy as this... Hey, my life just, like, flashed e
before me... wow, all those memories... my first pair of flares... tie- y
dying my shirts... tie-dying those socks... underwear... buying those -
groovy crystal spiritual fulfilment beads, man, what a bargain at only
$15 each... getting my first Donovan album (I dunno why God gave Jason t
Donovan the same name, man.. it's just not justice)... missing out on h
getting any chicks at Woodstock 'cos I was too shy, and didn't wanna e
sexually threaten them with chat-ups, and didn't know any chat-ups, and
was nine thousand miles away... Groovy... wide ties... hey, this is o
just last month! ... long collars... corduroy jackets, oh yeah, I love n
all that stuff... getting my first lecturing job at the arts faculty, l
yeah... ah, what a life... y
GOOD MORNING. c
i
Oh, hi man! I was just, like, relating to my environment, you know? t
y
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
w
Well, judging from, like, your sort of red colour scheme, those bad h
karma horns and shit... you're... the devil? e
r
CORRECT. AND YOU, HIPPY, WILL SPEND ETERNAL DAMNATION AMONGST THE e
NEVER ENDING FLAMES IN THE PITS OF HELL. WITH ALL THE OTHER HIPPIES.
t
Yeah? Cool! h
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 10 s
h
That's right, it was the part of the story that the readers (7 asylum o
inmates, 3 bored computer scientists, a kid waiting for some mould to p
grow, and an old sea captain with one leg living in a lighthouse who p
had nothing better to do) had been awaiting for no less than eleven e
weeks! The actual appearance of Mr Popsicle in a Popsicle adventure. (I r
would have labelled it "a Popsicle story", but it didn't sound dynamic, s
action-packed, and thrilling enough).
Yes, Inspector Sideburn had given up on his meagre resources and a
equally meagre brainpower finding the culprits to the big armoured car r
robbery, and had called in the Australian Royal Security Establishment. e
The ARSE was even now under threat from a Royal Commission, enquiring
as to whether it should have to change its name. Not in the interests m
of decency and seriousness mind you; just as a little bureaucratic o
exercise. All Australian government organisations are required by law r
to change their names at least once every ten years, to keep the e
alarmingly large Department of Namechangers operational. It is they at
the DoN that are responsible for designing and printing all the new d
stationery, logos (logoes?), moving offices, and all that other a
time-and-money wasting stuff that government departments do which n
completely confuses anyone who wants to ring up to find out which form g
they have to fill in for a heart transplant. e
Anyway, Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the r
(currently) ARSE arrived at Dung Hill Police Station in a fairly o
low-key way. u
Inspector Sideburn (who shall be known forthwith as Sideburn) s
greeted them in the lobby of the station, and was surprised to see that
Inspector Unnecessary-Violence (who shall be known forthwith as The t
Inspector, to save space in TCWF, and to prevent confusion between the h
two Inspectors; jeez, couldn't one of them have been a sergeant, or a a
superintendent?) was fairly drenched in blood, and appeared to have n
someone's arm hanging out of his top pocket.
"What happened to you? Riot?", asked Sideburn, quite reasonably t
under the circumstances. h
"Nah.. post-Christmas sales", replied the Inspector, trying e
gallantly but unsuccessfully to push the arm down into the pocket.
"What, crowd control?" N
"Nah.. I wanted to get one of those cheap tellies. Some bitch of an e
old lady got ahead of me on the escalator. Lucky I had my chainsaw with w
me."
They made their way to one of the many briefing rooms. Where they Y
were briefed. The details of the briefing aren't brief enough to be e
brought to you here, within the all too brief confines of this episode, a
so a brief briefing of the briefing will occur in the *next* episode. r
And make sure you're wearing your briefs. '
s
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been a not-brief-enough episode of that E
briefly funny but now just plain dull written v
concept statement, the "Toxic Custard Workshop e
Files". Briefly, back-issues are available on
request. Brief details can be obtained for a r
brief time only from tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ srellev
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne, Australia---------------| ECONOMY
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au--------TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | SIGNATURE
Nominations are now being taken for the Inaugural TOXIC CUSTARD INTERNATIONAL
BASTARD OF THE YEAR AWARD (1992). The award will be presented in Toxic Custard
in a few weeks, to the individual person who is voted by readers to have been
the worst insufferable git during 1992. This award has been posthumously made
to Adolf Hitler for the years 1938 to 1945 inclusive. To nominate an
individual for the 1992 award, just reply to this mail, or send your
nomination to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu by Friday 15th of January.
_______________________________________________________________________________
"Elvis don't read Toxic Custard"
___ __
TOXIC | / \ / \ 11th January 1992
CUSTARD | __/ | | Written by Daniel Bowen
WORKSHOP | \ | |
.................FILES...|..\___/...\__/.......................................
Let us make one thing clear. Elvis *is* dead. I should know - I
killed him. It was back in those heady days of the late seventies... You
know how it is, you're in the backyard of the block of flats, 'cos you're
only seven years old, playing cricket with a bunch of people you don't Y
like, but hey, they're the neighbourhood kids, so you have to play with i
them to keep up that illusion of peaceful coexistence.. Inevitably some k
smart-arse with the cricket bat, who probably *owns* the cricket bat (so e
in other words, he makes the rules), manages to hit the small soggy grey s
tennis ball (it was dry and yellowish one summer three years ago) flying ,
over the fence.
So, after much arguing, you're bullied into going to get the ball by I
the bully, who has swiped the bat and is swiping most of the other kids
with it... and you don't want to end up in intensive care... which is t
where you think you'll end up if you don't get the ball back pronto... so h
you climb the old rickety wooden fence, picking up about five splinters i
in the process, into the overgrown garden next door. n
You know it's overgrown, because at that age, the grass comes up to k
your neck. And you've seen those stupid wildlife shows talking about
snakes living in long grass, so you're scared shitless of being strangled t
by a python, or bitten by a tiger snake, and you're wishing you hadn't h
worn shorts today, even though it's forty degrees in the shade. e
You see movement ten feet to your left, somewhere in the grass, and
you spot the tennis ball, no doubt displaced for a moment by a passing r
snake. So, grabbing a nearby hanging branch from one of those lethal i
looking plum trees that looks like it would stick two dozen thorns in you g
if you even considered climbing it, you edge your way to where you h
thought you last saw the ball. And all the time, behind you, six pairs of t
eyes edge their way over the fence, looking for any movement from the -
house that the garden is attached to. h
The ball is there. You reach for it carefully, wary of any poisonous a
snakes or spiders, or wild animals like leopards or cheetahs which may at n
any moment leap out at you and tear you to pieces. Such are the fears of d
little kids. You throw the ball back over the fence, and start to run to
safety, when the worst possible thing happens. The back door of the house m
runs, and the grumpy fat man who lives there comes out. And he says: a
"Son. Whatcha doin'?" r
"Just getting our ball back, Mr Presley." g
"Son. Now that ball was flyin' over my grass... Now... I want that i
ball." n
And he starts to waddle forward, and you're terrified, and all your
friends are yelling "Come here, come on!"... and you run back to the i
fence, throwing your stick away, and start to scramble over. s
What do I hear behind me as I climb the fence? Oh God, the stick has
flown into Mr Presley's head and implanted itself in his brain! And now a t
big snake has leapt out of the tree and is strangling him! And blood is r
spurting out everywhere, and he's screaming garbled words, "Are you y
lonesome, but lay off of my blue seude party at the county jail..." and i
so on. n
So we all ran for our lives. Back over the fence, Mr Presley came to g
a rather unpleasant end. And we always played cricket in the *front*
garden of the block after that. And we never went after wall-leaping t
tennis balls ever again. Well, it could happen to anyone, couldn't it. o
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 11: The Briefing n
v
Inspector Sideburn, who was getting sick of this case, was handing it a
over to newly arrived Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of d
the Australian Royal Security Establishment. The case, which was e
beautifully leather covered with lovely brass locks, had been annoying
Sideburn since the very early episodes. He just never seemed to get t
anywhere with the case. After a while he had realised that this was just h
how the author had written this story, but it still annoyed him somewhat. i
It annoyed Inspector Unnecessary-Violence somewhat too. He'd been s
doing something very enjoyable before being interrupted for this case. He
couldn't remember what he had been doing, but he was quite sure it had s
been fun. p
Popsicle was less annoyed. Although he'd been watching Drop The Dead a
Donkey when called up for this, he usually looked forward to new and c
challenging investigations with relish, mustard, and a couple of pickles. e
So, in the briefing room of Dung Hill Police Station, which was one .
of the best rooms in the building for a briefing, the briefing began.
Sideburn, with the aid of complicated diagrams of the crime scene, I
lots of glossy 8x10" photos with a label on the back of each one, and t
numerous bags full of evidence, explained the whole story for the benefit '
of the ARSE team, and for any readers who might have forgotten the s
original plot.
"While the traffic lights were fiddled with to stop the armoured d
truck, a huge gun was waved in the faces of the driving guards, who e
opened the door of the van." f
"An inside job then?" suggested Inspector Unnecessary-Violence. i
"Why do you say that?" n
"Oh, I don't know. It just seemed like an intelligent thing to say." i
"Erm. Right", continued Sideburn. "We think they escaped on bicycles, t
but we lost them a couple of kilometres away, where the trail of dropped e
money stopped." l
"Leads?" asked Inspector Unnecessary-Violence. y
"Erm..." said Sideburn, looking half at him, half at Popsicle.
"Don't worry about him", said Popsicle, "he's been on a debriefing m
course: 'How to get 90% of the information at a briefing using just 7 key o
phrases'." v
"Forensic?" asked Inspector U-V. e
"Leads? Well, I did get a tip that Jake McGiggin might be involved. d
But if he was, he wouldn't tell me. Which I thought was quite reasonable,
in the circumstances", replied Sideburn, rubbing a bruise on his neck. s
"Any previous?" i
"Well Sideburn", interrupted Popsicle. "We'll see what we can do on n
this one. I think we may be able to show you a thing or two about solving c
crime, too. Anything else we need to know, Inspector?" e
"Witnesses? Reward posted? Informants?"
l
AND SO, WITH INSPECTOR UNNECESSARY-VIOLENCE STILL ASKING SHORT, QUICK a
QUESTIONS, AND NOT WAITING FOR ANY REPLY, WE LEAVE POPSICLE UNTIL NEXT s
WEEK, WHEN THE *REAL* MYSTERY BEGINS. HAVE A NICE WEEK. t
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
w
TOXIC CUSTARD *BASTARD OF THE YEAR* (BOTY) 1992 e
Keep those nominations flowing in! You have until this Friday, the 15th e
of January to put in nominations. The voting will begin next week. k
Nominations please to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu (or reply to this mail). .
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne, Australia------------| Just when you thought it was safe
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| to buy an atlas... CZECHOSLOVAKIA!!
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
Copyright (c) 1992, 1993. May be freely reproduced without profit
provided this notice remains intact.
For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
